What makes men fall in love

I just read the article What makes men fall in love and you know what, I think it's very possible that Saaed could be on his way there with me. I think I got really freaked out, because he wasn't the converstionalist I would want, and yet he would still have the ability to hurt me if he cheated or treated me wrong, and I freaked out.

I am not saying it was meant to be between us, just that if I had not gotten jealous and suspicious, I think it's possible he was falling for me. It's all for the best I guess. :(

(Now I am feeling like I miss him, but I have only started missing him when I started reading this article)

Oh speaking of men...Yesterday my 50 year old captain touched my face in front of the First officer and said "Isn't she pretty? Look at her eyes" I thought he meant it in a cute little niece way, but now I am thinking differently. Then, this morning the Gate Agent gave me his number, and then, on that same flight, a passenger wrote a poem that he said I inspired him to write! Geez, I guess a week of weight watchers is doing me good!

He called

I couldn't answer.

I don't know what the hell I am doing. I feel confused.

I want to talk to him again and for everything to be alright, but for what? If he became my boyfriend I think I could enjoy it but he's not the one.

UH I have such an ache in my throat. I don't know what I am doing.

Maybe I should stay with him and NOT have a relationship, thats what he wants, thats what I want. Maybe I should call him and tell him that. I just dont know.

I am so damaged sexually. I started way too young, and I pushed myself into it when I wasn't ready. Sometimes I envy the crazy women who wait for marriage and have no idea that their husband is a bad lover.

I'm not just damaged sexually I am damaged in relationships. My dad's drinking really royally fucked me up.

I don't like how I am sounding right now. I am sounding like a victim not someone empowered. I wonder if it is the anxiety from losing the Risperdal. I am feeling so damaged and difficult to manage right now. I got so rediculously jealous when imagining Saaed was dating other girls. I wouldn't be like that with the Risperdal.

I hate this feeling of not being able to trust my own feelings. I am a basketcase. I am not thinking like the calm rational woman I consider myself to be. I just feel like a wreck. It would be easier to just make Saaed go away. But if I can't deal with these emotions, how can I ever have a relationship with someone more suited for me? Oh shit...thats the anxiety talking "what if, what if...bla bla bla"

I am contemplating calling him. Errrrrr. I just dont know

7:55

If Saaed was going to call, he probably would have called by now. Too bad, I could have farted into the phone.

Just kidding, I'm sort of sad, but it saves me from being the one to cut things off. I just don't want to be having sex with someone without a relationship, it's too hard to keep myself from developing feelings. Too much work.

Just talked to Saaed

I am imagining the Saaed relationship wont happen. I got upset to get a text message "Hi Jasmine" sue me. No, I can't stop him from dating other people, he's not my boyfriend, but I don't want to waste my time if we aren't going in the direction of a relationsip, I told him that and suddenly he wants to let me go!

You know what that means? He's a P-U-S-S-Y. He can't stand up to me.

I wonder if I sound like a Psycho. I just might. He may never call me again. I may never answer again. Let's be honest, I have a gut instinct, unlike usual I should listen to my gut. Do I have to feel foolish before I let him go? I guess I always want to take it to that point so I don't have to worry about "What if?"

And I think I have to let him go unless he tries to win me back, because sex if I don't trust him wont be any good.

Screw him

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Afterthought: Yeah, fuck him. He is not winning me. That is the man's job, to make a woman want to sleep with him, by making her feel good. Letting me go when I am just telling him "dont waste my time if we arent going anywhere" is not the right response. Why? Because I am right, he doesn't want to settle down, and if he does, it's because he wants to settle down with a "nice" girl (like he thought I was before I was firm with him) after he has had "his fun." My gut knows this, but I am avoiding accepting it because I don't want to be alone (and because he is so hot!) I am seriously contemplating not answering the phone if he calls again

Farmers Tan

I spent 2 weeks in Africa and when did I get a sunburn? Here at home in the North of the US! I have a rediculous farmer's burn on my arms from shopping at a neighborhood garage sale in a nearby suburb.

Have I blogged about Hafiz yet? I didn't blog about Uganda much at all did I? I guess I was spending my time being there instead of blogging about it, I really owe it to myself to blog some of my memories from there.

Well one of my best memories was going to the orphans primary school. There is a lot to say but since it is 1:25AM I will just say there was one orphan with a green shirt on who just shined. Jennifer was teaching the kids camp songs, and he participated and had a great time. He was 13 but with no attitude. When we left we both commented on him, and I couldn't get him out of my mind. In the US he would be the class president, the validictorian, but where he was he may not even get to go to college.

I asked Joseph if the kids from the orphan school go to University. Joseph said "thats our goal" I asked if he went to government school if he'd have a higher chance of going to University and he said yes. Fast forward to today, I am Hafiz's sponsor. So today I bought a lot of stuff for Hafiz' family at the garage sale. Unfortunately it might be a waste of money to ship it all.

There has been so much to blog about. I wish so much I was blogging more right now, so I can remember this amazing time in my life, but I suppose I was barely blogging when I was dating Charles either, and that was an amazing time of my life too.

Speaking of dating, Saaed called me today. According to him "Jasmine" was meant for me. He always says "hello beautiful, or hello sunshine, or hello georgeous" so according to him "Jasmine" was another nickname for me "a flower that blooms at night." He was convincing but he had 2 days to come up with a story.

Maybe (probably) my gut is correct, but if not, then I am pushing away a really hot and sweet guy. But come on, if my intuition is telling me something, then there is probably something there. But maybe I am full of anxiety about him because he could hurt me if I let myself develop feelings, because I would fall in love, even deeper then with Charles, who I wasn't physically hot for. And I am still smarting from the failure of the Charles relationship, so any new relationship would be hard.

Apparently he will be back on Monday. I have told him I think he is a ladies man, and his response was "what do you think?" to which I said, "Uh...I think you are a ladies man" If he's not then I sound like such a dork, and if he is then I sound like a dork. I just cant win can I?

Maybe I will give him a chance (if I can allow myself to) just so I don't regret it in the end. My prediction is he is a player, and I will be able to say "I told you so" in the end. Or worse, what if he is infatuated with me and my citizenship. I dont know what it is, I just cant let my guard down with him. I want so much for him to be sincere, though, because he is very sweet and very hot.

Time for bed. Funny story, I thought my roommate was out of town so I emptied out my bedroom into the living room and she came home. At least I left her a voicemail telling her I was going to.

Saaed is a player

You already know that my intuition sent up red flags the other night when talking to Saaed about his night on the town, and now I just recieved a text message from him saying "Hi Jasmine."

Maybe Jasmine is an affectionate term in pakistan, yeah right.

It's not like he's doing anything wrong, we arent commited, but I think it is safe to say that a commitment isn't on it's way either, and would I trust him enough now anyway?

I have to remember, he also woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me, the first time was fine, but the second time he knew I didn't want to be bothered and needed my sleep.

I worry that I am going to be just too jaded to fall in love again. How can I get excited about anyone? Its not that I think love is impossible, Im just not holding my breath, and I think that my bad attitude keeps me form caring. Nah, not giving a shit is the way a girl gets a guy right?

I don't even feel hurt, just annoyed.

Day 3 & 4 of reduced Risperdal

Besides having a hard time functioning before coffee this morning I have been fine today, even cheery, but last night was a different story.

Instead of calling the new guy Saddiq I am going to call him Saaed. I went straight to Saaed's from work, planning to spend the night, fuck his brains out, and head back to work in the morning. As we walked to his place he said "you should have been there Saturday" (he went to a club) I said what happened? And he didn't have much to say. All of a sudden Ice Queen took over me. I was smiling on the outside, but in the inside I was thinking "that fucker! I am having sex with him and he is picking up chicks"

I took a shower while he made dinner and I was fuming in there! But why? He's not my boyfriend and who's to say I wouldn't date another person if I was asked out. What I felt like was a fool. I felt like he is using me for sex, he is a sweet talker and smoothie and I am just a notch in his bedpost. I decided to go home. I REALLY didn't want to have sex, not feeling cheap and stupid like this.

I got out of the shower and told him my plan. I said I will go home after dinner because I want to sleep tonight "get it? SLEEP" I said. He said I should stay, and I could sleep. I thought "good- I got out of having sex." He was embracing me and kissing me and I was just stiff, I didn't want him touching me. I said "I'm going to lay down on the couch, wake me up when the foods ready"

I laid down but didnt fall asleep. I realized that the way I was thinking is the definition of "a psycho" what people call their exes. No, I was not behaving psychotic but I think the word means, when discussing dating, people who act irrational. I realized if a guy were to be the same way (if he told me about it- I didn't tell Saaed what was going on inside my head) that I would find it unacceptable. So I chilled out and enjoyed the evening.

Before bed I told him "No groping before 5AM" (when I spent the night last week he started initiating things in the middle of the night) Well when the sun was not out yet I woke up and just wrapped my arms around him affectionatly. Next thing I know he is wrapped around me, on top of me, taking of my underwear. I asked "what time is it?" he said "time to have some fun" I said "no fun before 5" and he said "I think it's 5." I let him have sex with me, though I didn't participate much. Afterwards I checked the clock, it was 4:30. I called him on it and he said "It's almost 5" what a fucker.

In the end, my extreme jealousy (likely increased by losing the Risperdal) is really stupid. Lets face it, he's not a boyfriend he's a lover. We don't have flowing conversations, they are mostly about how beautiful I am or how our day was. (favorite subjects of mine.) I am sure I will lose interest in him once the novelty of having sex with such a great looking guy wears off.

In the end, I want to love Charles again. I really do. I saw him the other day and videotaped him, and watching the videotape makes me smile. He is back in Kenya for 2 months now, his mom is sick, I hope she doesn't die. He is pretty rude, he keeps trying to get me to kiss him, I need to be more forceful about stopping him, instead of laughing it off as a joke. Let's be real here, I am stringing him along. My words say "we are over- time to move on" but my body language (and heart) says "wait for me to get these other guys out of my system- then we can get married." Thing is, as long as he is bugging me for kisses, I don't want him, I can't imagine wanting him back until he backs off and gives me my personal space. I think it's me that needs to move on.

Wish me luck as the withdrawl continues!