You already all know I am a dork. You do if you read my blog, anyway. But I'm okay with being a dork, it's better to be a dork and know it than to be a dork and think your cool.
So guess how I am cleaning my room (which I hate doing, just like dishes) I am reading a page on blogexplosion then putting away or straightening 5 things, and then reading a new page. It's a distraction from the fact that I am being productive, and I am getting hits to my blog while I am at it.
Ha ha, I love how dorky I can be!
Back to work!
Showing posts with label Blogging. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Blogging. Show all posts
Monday, August 20, 2007
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Dear Blog,
Why dont I want to turn to you anymore? You have helped me through so much, in fact, you have helped me become the person I am right now, so why would I give up on a good thing?
Maybe it's because I want to break from the life I had before Uganda, full of lonliness and isolation. Maybe I have reached the level where I don't need the crutch of the blog to coax me into living my life. Maybe I am not-depressed enough that moments of happiness arent as few and far between, so they don't stay in my mind as much as they used to.
I also am coming out of my shell now, I don't live inside my own head as much. When I was inside my own head my writing was so good, because it was like I was able to imprint my thoughts right onto the computer, but now I have moved my life out of my brain and into my home, and am starting to live outside my home too, so there is so much more activity in my brain, so I am not as good at capturing thoughts and transferring them to the page.
I won't give up on you blog, I owe you so much. You not only have helped me work out my feelings, you are an amazing record of the life I lead. If now my life is going very well I want to return and enjoy it in the future. Just as my mom's diarys gave me a window into her mind after she died, you could give my children a window into my mind after I die. Wouldn't I want them to see the joy in my life, not just the sorrow?
I am contemplating making a public myspace that I will show to my friends and family. Maybe part of the reason I am not as into blogging is I want to connect with the people in my life the way I have with myself and the readers of this blog. I have used this blog to inspire me to live a life exciting enough to blog about, how much more inspiring would it be to try to live a life exiting enough to share with my family and friends.
I will always value you though blog, you introduced me to myself, and I am very grateful.
Maybe it's because I want to break from the life I had before Uganda, full of lonliness and isolation. Maybe I have reached the level where I don't need the crutch of the blog to coax me into living my life. Maybe I am not-depressed enough that moments of happiness arent as few and far between, so they don't stay in my mind as much as they used to.
I also am coming out of my shell now, I don't live inside my own head as much. When I was inside my own head my writing was so good, because it was like I was able to imprint my thoughts right onto the computer, but now I have moved my life out of my brain and into my home, and am starting to live outside my home too, so there is so much more activity in my brain, so I am not as good at capturing thoughts and transferring them to the page.
I won't give up on you blog, I owe you so much. You not only have helped me work out my feelings, you are an amazing record of the life I lead. If now my life is going very well I want to return and enjoy it in the future. Just as my mom's diarys gave me a window into her mind after she died, you could give my children a window into my mind after I die. Wouldn't I want them to see the joy in my life, not just the sorrow?
I am contemplating making a public myspace that I will show to my friends and family. Maybe part of the reason I am not as into blogging is I want to connect with the people in my life the way I have with myself and the readers of this blog. I have used this blog to inspire me to live a life exciting enough to blog about, how much more inspiring would it be to try to live a life exiting enough to share with my family and friends.
I will always value you though blog, you introduced me to myself, and I am very grateful.
Friday, March 16, 2007
Lonely night watching YouTube
Oh well, I can't seem to embed the YouTube videos.
Basically tonight I felt really down when I got home. Tonight my sister Linda was crying at her house and it made me want to cry, so I thought tonight when I was feeling down that maybe if I could find a video of someone crying it would set me off and I could feel some release.
I found a video of Dane Cook talking about needing a cry, I wanted to post it. It is funny and it is exactly what was hoping to experience. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLDoJvAdrBM
I did get a cry out, on a video called "Tears of Iraq" where a little child sings "Oh Allah, the streets are stained with blood and death" with video of the Iraqi and American victims of the war in Iraq. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asu-WrzrdN8 But those tears were fleeting, because it is impossible for me to cry about feeling lonely when I am thinking about people with real problems.
Then I saw a video called "Saving Grace" that reminded me of myself, in the end, where the hot girl holds up a sign that says "I need 1,000,000 hits to stop me. Save me" It amazes me that this is universal enough that it makes it on a video. I look at my statcounter dozens of times a day, seeing a new hit gives me a little mental reward, that someone out there is aware of my existance. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WCzS5S0kA4
But I couldn't find a good video of someone crying, so I didn't get that long, good feeling cry I was hoping for. I got really depressed for a short period there, but I think thanks to therapy, I could see I was pulling myself down there, and so I brought myself back to reality.
But I did figure out why I am sad. I am very lonely. My roommate left, and she is the closest friend I have made in a long time. Also, for the first time in about a year, I am truly alone. I have no-one to love. Charles may still love me, and I still love him, but the relationship is gone. Alan hurt me pretty bad, and now Ashram is calling me mean, which is unfair, but still hurts.
So now its just little old me, forced to confront myself, with all of my baggage. I know now that I can't live alone. I need my own room, but alone just doesn't work. I need enough distraction to keep me in the present, and not bogged down by the emptiness of being without my mom, and the memories of living in squalor with my dad. Sure I should continue therapy so these things don't bog me down so much, but being distracted helps.
It's going to be a-okay Diana, you'll feel better soon
Basically tonight I felt really down when I got home. Tonight my sister Linda was crying at her house and it made me want to cry, so I thought tonight when I was feeling down that maybe if I could find a video of someone crying it would set me off and I could feel some release.
I found a video of Dane Cook talking about needing a cry, I wanted to post it. It is funny and it is exactly what was hoping to experience. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLDoJvAdrBM
I did get a cry out, on a video called "Tears of Iraq" where a little child sings "Oh Allah, the streets are stained with blood and death" with video of the Iraqi and American victims of the war in Iraq. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asu-WrzrdN8 But those tears were fleeting, because it is impossible for me to cry about feeling lonely when I am thinking about people with real problems.
Then I saw a video called "Saving Grace" that reminded me of myself, in the end, where the hot girl holds up a sign that says "I need 1,000,000 hits to stop me. Save me" It amazes me that this is universal enough that it makes it on a video. I look at my statcounter dozens of times a day, seeing a new hit gives me a little mental reward, that someone out there is aware of my existance. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WCzS5S0kA4
But I couldn't find a good video of someone crying, so I didn't get that long, good feeling cry I was hoping for. I got really depressed for a short period there, but I think thanks to therapy, I could see I was pulling myself down there, and so I brought myself back to reality.
But I did figure out why I am sad. I am very lonely. My roommate left, and she is the closest friend I have made in a long time. Also, for the first time in about a year, I am truly alone. I have no-one to love. Charles may still love me, and I still love him, but the relationship is gone. Alan hurt me pretty bad, and now Ashram is calling me mean, which is unfair, but still hurts.
So now its just little old me, forced to confront myself, with all of my baggage. I know now that I can't live alone. I need my own room, but alone just doesn't work. I need enough distraction to keep me in the present, and not bogged down by the emptiness of being without my mom, and the memories of living in squalor with my dad. Sure I should continue therapy so these things don't bog me down so much, but being distracted helps.
It's going to be a-okay Diana, you'll feel better soon
Thursday, March 03, 2005
pro-anorexia
Can anyone fill me in a little on Blog ettiquette?
When someone posts a comment what should you do if you appreciate it? What should you do if you want to tell them what an asshole they are and what you think of their mother? I couldnt't find anything on "blogger" Is there a webpage someone can lead me to?
Well as for now I want to say thanks to the people who commented. Is it also good ettiquette when you read a blog to comment?
I have gotten two little comments and they are going to keep me at it. Blogging felt cathartic the minute I began, just to write to "somebody" without having the accountability of writing it to someone you know who might say "what a loser" or "I am so worried about her." By the way... Its totally cool for you to say "what a loser" to me, because I don't know you...so shoot. But think of this, what if a 11 year old girl related to what I had to say, and you said "what a loser" and she read it. Now you are telling a sweet 11 year old girl she is a loser. I bet you feel bad about yourself now. But back to what I was saying...it feels good to write this stuff anyway, but to have people say nice things felt great...thanks!
This brings up a memory. About 3 years ago I was a creative city girl in a conservative small-town college. VERY lonely, and very isolated. I spent alot of time looking at "pro-anorexia" websites/blogs. I related so much to these sick young people, and it felt good to see I wasn't alone in my nightmare. But these sights were such a celebration of being sick, and they helped me fall deeper into illness. I would love to offer one person that feeling of comfortable, anonymous camraderie, but to be able to show the joys of HEALTH, not suggest that illness is a bottomless pit that doesn't end. It would feel so good to know (or imagine) that my pain could help guide someone into a doctor's office, or help them see that depression doesn't last forever. BTW, I hope that "spider" only relates to my messy, messy room and bone-head boyfriends, not to all of this mental-health sturm und drang, but one way or another, thanks alot for your nice comment! If you ever publish your blog publicly I would love to see it :)
It is again time for my beloved roommate to arrive. I want to get the dishes done so she wont be upset that I am home sick. I would hate to live with me right now...to be more lethargic than usual is saying alot! I have decided to psuedo-name my roommate "Emma." it just seems appropriate.
When someone posts a comment what should you do if you appreciate it? What should you do if you want to tell them what an asshole they are and what you think of their mother? I couldnt't find anything on "blogger" Is there a webpage someone can lead me to?
Well as for now I want to say thanks to the people who commented. Is it also good ettiquette when you read a blog to comment?
I have gotten two little comments and they are going to keep me at it. Blogging felt cathartic the minute I began, just to write to "somebody" without having the accountability of writing it to someone you know who might say "what a loser" or "I am so worried about her." By the way... Its totally cool for you to say "what a loser" to me, because I don't know you...so shoot. But think of this, what if a 11 year old girl related to what I had to say, and you said "what a loser" and she read it. Now you are telling a sweet 11 year old girl she is a loser. I bet you feel bad about yourself now. But back to what I was saying...it feels good to write this stuff anyway, but to have people say nice things felt great...thanks!
This brings up a memory. About 3 years ago I was a creative city girl in a conservative small-town college. VERY lonely, and very isolated. I spent alot of time looking at "pro-anorexia" websites/blogs. I related so much to these sick young people, and it felt good to see I wasn't alone in my nightmare. But these sights were such a celebration of being sick, and they helped me fall deeper into illness. I would love to offer one person that feeling of comfortable, anonymous camraderie, but to be able to show the joys of HEALTH, not suggest that illness is a bottomless pit that doesn't end. It would feel so good to know (or imagine) that my pain could help guide someone into a doctor's office, or help them see that depression doesn't last forever. BTW, I hope that "spider" only relates to my messy, messy room and bone-head boyfriends, not to all of this mental-health sturm und drang, but one way or another, thanks alot for your nice comment! If you ever publish your blog publicly I would love to see it :)
It is again time for my beloved roommate to arrive. I want to get the dishes done so she wont be upset that I am home sick. I would hate to live with me right now...to be more lethargic than usual is saying alot! I have decided to psuedo-name my roommate "Emma." it just seems appropriate.
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