I am on my way to my first online personals date.
My instincts are already telling me no. He keeps using the word "zen" to describe Buddhism. He said in an e-mail "There are many kinds of Zen" I even corrected him indirectly by saying "Have you ever explored any other branches of Buddhism besides Zen? Like Tibetan Buddhism or Theravada Buddhism?" I don't think it worked.
He also told me he was going to wear a wig, an obvious joke, and I said, "what kind of wig are you going to wear?" and that was his cue to say "I was thinking a big red afro" or something, instead he said "I was joking." UH, just writing this I don't even want to go on this date. Oh well
I think it might be hasty to decide no without meeting them, but no, I don't mean that, this date is going to suck.
Wish me luck!
Showing posts with label Buddhism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Buddhism. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Monday, May 07, 2007
White people in robes
I really feel the desire to find a sanga (spiritual community) right now, but as I research it online, I find all of these white people in robes. Their hair may be short, but I know a former hippie when I see one.
I'm a hippie, I know I'm a hippie, but I can't help but feel really self concious in a room full of white people bowing and meditation. Thats the point, I AM a hippie, and so when I see all of these like minded people, I am looking at myself. I think they look a little silly, frankly. All the bowing looks silly. Bowing is powerful, it helps you to break down the ego, but, it looks silly.
I think what I have to do is meet with a head of a sangha, and maybe tell them how I am feeling. I bet if I did they would laugh and say something that makes me at ease. (Or something that challenges me, not puts me at ease, but is useful to me)
I am such a western stereotype that I want to walk in a room and be surrounded by Asian monks. But I don't want to walk into a room full of Asian monks and be me, I want to walk into a room full of Asian monks and be me on the inside but on the outside blend right in.
I will say, the Asian monks I have run into I REALLY liked. They really had a peaceful aura about them. I think that the difference between them and these whiteys is the self conciousness. And I shouldn't say whiteys I should say American whiteys because I can only speak of my own people. The whiteys, as peaceful as they are, were raised in America. I am sure if I saw an Asian-American monk they would have that same self conciousness.
But I keep saying SELF conciousness. By labeling them "whiteys" I am strengthening the ego's belief in "self." Maybe I am right on target by seeing myself as an Asian male monk. I am recognizing that we are the same, but for some reason I am resisting seeing myself as the same as my hippie bretheren.
Am I ashamed of my background and the person I am inside? I am a hippie child, running around in the rain in thrift store clothes. I have been judged negatively and not understood why. Perhaps if my mom was still alive I would have rejected the rejection, not internalized it. I am proudly a hippie, but yet I still distance myself from the hippies. (the ones not in my family that is)
I think that is the trick, talk to the head person. Talk about it.
I'm a hippie, I know I'm a hippie, but I can't help but feel really self concious in a room full of white people bowing and meditation. Thats the point, I AM a hippie, and so when I see all of these like minded people, I am looking at myself. I think they look a little silly, frankly. All the bowing looks silly. Bowing is powerful, it helps you to break down the ego, but, it looks silly.
I think what I have to do is meet with a head of a sangha, and maybe tell them how I am feeling. I bet if I did they would laugh and say something that makes me at ease. (Or something that challenges me, not puts me at ease, but is useful to me)
I am such a western stereotype that I want to walk in a room and be surrounded by Asian monks. But I don't want to walk into a room full of Asian monks and be me, I want to walk into a room full of Asian monks and be me on the inside but on the outside blend right in.
I will say, the Asian monks I have run into I REALLY liked. They really had a peaceful aura about them. I think that the difference between them and these whiteys is the self conciousness. And I shouldn't say whiteys I should say American whiteys because I can only speak of my own people. The whiteys, as peaceful as they are, were raised in America. I am sure if I saw an Asian-American monk they would have that same self conciousness.
But I keep saying SELF conciousness. By labeling them "whiteys" I am strengthening the ego's belief in "self." Maybe I am right on target by seeing myself as an Asian male monk. I am recognizing that we are the same, but for some reason I am resisting seeing myself as the same as my hippie bretheren.
Am I ashamed of my background and the person I am inside? I am a hippie child, running around in the rain in thrift store clothes. I have been judged negatively and not understood why. Perhaps if my mom was still alive I would have rejected the rejection, not internalized it. I am proudly a hippie, but yet I still distance myself from the hippies. (the ones not in my family that is)
I think that is the trick, talk to the head person. Talk about it.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
New Kadampa Tradition
Okay, I sent an email to the boy in LA about the New Kadampa Tradition.
The way I wrote it was "I was researching what lineage I wanted to follow, and I found this info about NKT, did you know there is all this controversy?" He has never been with another "Sangha" (like church pretty much) so this is his only exposure to Buddhism he's had (a girlfriend got him into it- how else do people get into cults?) So it could be that he, like any westerner, has no clue what is normal and not normal Buddhist teachings, so if they tell you "pray to this diety and you get material wealth" they have no idea that that is not Buddhist. I can say, however, that the moment I saw the webpage he directed me to, I felt that something wasn't right about it.
If he never writes to me again, I know he's a cult member.
The way I wrote it was "I was researching what lineage I wanted to follow, and I found this info about NKT, did you know there is all this controversy?" He has never been with another "Sangha" (like church pretty much) so this is his only exposure to Buddhism he's had (a girlfriend got him into it- how else do people get into cults?) So it could be that he, like any westerner, has no clue what is normal and not normal Buddhist teachings, so if they tell you "pray to this diety and you get material wealth" they have no idea that that is not Buddhist. I can say, however, that the moment I saw the webpage he directed me to, I felt that something wasn't right about it.
If he never writes to me again, I know he's a cult member.
Friday, May 04, 2007
Too good to be true?
On the personals site I have connected with a guy in LA who bakes and likes chubby women. He has a cute writing style, is very cute, and is creative. Yes, he lives in LA, but if he was Mr. Perfect...maybe I could move to a sunny climate.
So today I asked him what lineage of Buddhism he practiced (because I am trying to pick one) and he said it was the New Kadampa Tradition
I haven't read much about it, BUT, the NKT is criticising the Dalai Lama who I happen to think is pretty cool. I haven't looked into what the specific criticims were, but if you are a cult, and people are criticising you, it often helps your case to try to discredit them as leaders. (I think this organization says the Dalai Lama is not the actual reincarnation of whoever he is supposed to be the reincarnation of. That type of stuff is unimportant to me, I am still on the fence about reincarnation anyway)
Something like Buddhism could be easily exploited into a cult, becuase we are so unfamiliar with it that someone can tell us "Buddhism says this" and we wont know any better. I am so glad I am a "Bookstore Buddhist" because I have a little background on Buddhist teachings.
This guy seems sweet, I wont give up on him yet, maybe I can convince him to visit a center with a different lineage.
So today I asked him what lineage of Buddhism he practiced (because I am trying to pick one) and he said it was the New Kadampa Tradition
I haven't read much about it, BUT, the NKT is criticising the Dalai Lama who I happen to think is pretty cool. I haven't looked into what the specific criticims were, but if you are a cult, and people are criticising you, it often helps your case to try to discredit them as leaders. (I think this organization says the Dalai Lama is not the actual reincarnation of whoever he is supposed to be the reincarnation of. That type of stuff is unimportant to me, I am still on the fence about reincarnation anyway)
Something like Buddhism could be easily exploited into a cult, becuase we are so unfamiliar with it that someone can tell us "Buddhism says this" and we wont know any better. I am so glad I am a "Bookstore Buddhist" because I have a little background on Buddhist teachings.
This guy seems sweet, I wont give up on him yet, maybe I can convince him to visit a center with a different lineage.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Just an ordinary week
This week I...
Spent the night in a condo in Ashville, hiked, and ate meatballs with the parents of my captian.
Took a manila folder out of the garbage discarded by a famous poet, now own a rough draft of a poem, probably written by him, maybe never published, as well as other writings (I will never sell it)
Met a SECOND Buddhist monk.
Contemplated seriously getting back with Charles. Still contemplating it.
Made a BIG DECISION (will fill you in once it's complete)
Visited with an aunt and cousin.
Woke up at 3:20AM my time
Observed myself chatting comfortably in the homes of 2 upper middle class families.
Registered for a 10K walk/run
Cant remember what else, I have been awake 21 hours
bye :)
Spent the night in a condo in Ashville, hiked, and ate meatballs with the parents of my captian.
Took a manila folder out of the garbage discarded by a famous poet, now own a rough draft of a poem, probably written by him, maybe never published, as well as other writings (I will never sell it)
Met a SECOND Buddhist monk.
Contemplated seriously getting back with Charles. Still contemplating it.
Made a BIG DECISION (will fill you in once it's complete)
Visited with an aunt and cousin.
Woke up at 3:20AM my time
Observed myself chatting comfortably in the homes of 2 upper middle class families.
Registered for a 10K walk/run
Cant remember what else, I have been awake 21 hours
bye :)
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Oh my Buddha!
Today was weird (but cool!)
I ended up at work early becuase I had given myself a lot of extra time to get there, and managed to avoid the worst traffic by taking small highways. I turned in some paperwork and did my first turn for the day.
When I got to the elevator to my crew lounge there was a Buddhist monk sitting on one of the seats. I went up to him and asked him if I could buy him lunch. I don't know if this was weird of me to offer, I read that in Asian buddhism people do nice things for the monks to improve their Karma, so I hope it wasn't too weird to him. He didn't understand me right away (I think he was Tibetan) but he said "I already ate" I said "okay" and left. That might have been weird, but I just didn't want to bug him I guess.
I went downstairs to pickup the rollerbag the company buys for F/As of one year senority, and brought it up the elevator. As if all the Buddhas and Bottisatvas told him I was coming up at that moment, when the door opened the monk was looking in my direction with a gentle smile on his face. Oh my god I wanted to talk to him so bad! He was sitting there so peacefully, I just wanted to be in his presence. I smiled and waved at him and he nodded and smiled. I kept going towards the exit, but wished he had accepted lunch, or that I had offered him ice cream or something. But I didn't want to bug him, so I went back to my car, but in the glowy-est mood just having been around him. The presence he gave off is the presence I want to have, and I just felt calm and happy :)
On my flight to Tennesee a sort of loud blonde flight attendant sat in the front seat. We chatted a little, she was telling me of how she was planning to cheat on her husband. It was what she had to do, apparently, to stay married to him. She was in her late 30's and I could tell by looking at her that she was at one time very attractive. She had a California accent too young for her face. I looked at her and could see how some of the girls I am jealous of today will be in the future, and knew I didn't want that.
She ended up telling me that she was going to rehab. She was obviously scared, but covering it with a smile. She told me about the night before, when she got really drunk and made out with a 22 year old. She told me about the time she kissed a professional football player, and when his wife found her number in his phone he tried to cover it up by saying she just wanted tickets- which could get her in more trouble than sex would!
I happened to have the Buddhism book "Letting go of the person you used to be" Yes, it was a corny as hell thing to do but I gave it to her. She may throw it out the moment she reads the first page, or she or someone there might get some comfort from it. I found it kind of weird that I happened to bring this particular book on the day I was meeting someone who desperately needed to let go of some "attachments" and "clinging."
If I am ever going to apply for mainline (she works for mainline) now is the time! I'm too tired to go into the details, but I would build senority fast, and my pilots are going to strike soon, so maybe I should "strike" while the iron is hot. Something to think about.
I ended up at work early becuase I had given myself a lot of extra time to get there, and managed to avoid the worst traffic by taking small highways. I turned in some paperwork and did my first turn for the day.
When I got to the elevator to my crew lounge there was a Buddhist monk sitting on one of the seats. I went up to him and asked him if I could buy him lunch. I don't know if this was weird of me to offer, I read that in Asian buddhism people do nice things for the monks to improve their Karma, so I hope it wasn't too weird to him. He didn't understand me right away (I think he was Tibetan) but he said "I already ate" I said "okay" and left. That might have been weird, but I just didn't want to bug him I guess.
I went downstairs to pickup the rollerbag the company buys for F/As of one year senority, and brought it up the elevator. As if all the Buddhas and Bottisatvas told him I was coming up at that moment, when the door opened the monk was looking in my direction with a gentle smile on his face. Oh my god I wanted to talk to him so bad! He was sitting there so peacefully, I just wanted to be in his presence. I smiled and waved at him and he nodded and smiled. I kept going towards the exit, but wished he had accepted lunch, or that I had offered him ice cream or something. But I didn't want to bug him, so I went back to my car, but in the glowy-est mood just having been around him. The presence he gave off is the presence I want to have, and I just felt calm and happy :)
On my flight to Tennesee a sort of loud blonde flight attendant sat in the front seat. We chatted a little, she was telling me of how she was planning to cheat on her husband. It was what she had to do, apparently, to stay married to him. She was in her late 30's and I could tell by looking at her that she was at one time very attractive. She had a California accent too young for her face. I looked at her and could see how some of the girls I am jealous of today will be in the future, and knew I didn't want that.
She ended up telling me that she was going to rehab. She was obviously scared, but covering it with a smile. She told me about the night before, when she got really drunk and made out with a 22 year old. She told me about the time she kissed a professional football player, and when his wife found her number in his phone he tried to cover it up by saying she just wanted tickets- which could get her in more trouble than sex would!
I happened to have the Buddhism book "Letting go of the person you used to be" Yes, it was a corny as hell thing to do but I gave it to her. She may throw it out the moment she reads the first page, or she or someone there might get some comfort from it. I found it kind of weird that I happened to bring this particular book on the day I was meeting someone who desperately needed to let go of some "attachments" and "clinging."
If I am ever going to apply for mainline (she works for mainline) now is the time! I'm too tired to go into the details, but I would build senority fast, and my pilots are going to strike soon, so maybe I should "strike" while the iron is hot. Something to think about.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
I feel really whole
Visiting my mom's side of the family really replenishes me, really recharges my batteries. I know not everyone can say that about their families. I feel very fortunate.
Right now I feel very whole, or more accurately, I feel like I can see who I am, and can see the direction I am supposed to go. I feel like I know what I should do next.
I dont know the exact definitions of the words tantra and yoga, but I think they involve unity, like having every aspect of your life be spiritual. I feel really greatful, Buddhism makes sense to me. I feel so greatful to have a philosophy that I can study that makes me say "I agree with that" instead of how I feel about Christianity which I don't agree with, except for alot of the things Jesus preached about. Going without some sort of spiritual structure is not a place I felt comfortable in. Reality, the universe and my role in it is always at the center of my mind. Trying to figure it out on my own is like reinventing the wheel, I feel so greatful that Buddhism is fitting so well with the things I discovered for myself.
I know that I should be continuing to study Buddhism, and should join the local zen center, to get some guidance on how to start meditating. I know that tantra &/or yoga (are they the same thing?) should also be included. I don't know much about them, I just know that tantra includes sexuality and yoga includes excercise, and those are two things that I have always found spiritual, and I am excited that maybe these things could possibly be a prt of a lifestyle.
I know that I should stay at my airline and finish my degree in Psychology. Psychology is my passion, I am talented in understanding it, I am talented in empathy, and my Psycholgy studies would fit very well into my spiritual studies.
I know that I want to fit into mainstream America. I am American. I need to stop feeling shame about all of the unhealthy aspects of our culture and instead focus on what we do right (we do many things very well) and work to heal what is unhealthy about our culture. I never want to become a person who uses too flowery of words, "insider jargon" I want to be a person who a mainstream American will look at me, and see what we have in common, instead of seeing what is different. More importantly, I want to look at a mainstream American and see what we have in common, instead of what is different. I want to be at peace with "my people" and my culture, I don't want to dissociate myself from them like it is so tempting to do. Maybe the term I should use is Mainstream White America. I think that is the most accurate term.
And as for men, that should fall into place if I am doing these things. If I am following my passion, being my truest self, the person for me should be easier to find, because they will be able to identify who I am more easily if I am truely, authenticly being me.
Yay
Right now I feel very whole, or more accurately, I feel like I can see who I am, and can see the direction I am supposed to go. I feel like I know what I should do next.
I dont know the exact definitions of the words tantra and yoga, but I think they involve unity, like having every aspect of your life be spiritual. I feel really greatful, Buddhism makes sense to me. I feel so greatful to have a philosophy that I can study that makes me say "I agree with that" instead of how I feel about Christianity which I don't agree with, except for alot of the things Jesus preached about. Going without some sort of spiritual structure is not a place I felt comfortable in. Reality, the universe and my role in it is always at the center of my mind. Trying to figure it out on my own is like reinventing the wheel, I feel so greatful that Buddhism is fitting so well with the things I discovered for myself.
I know that I should be continuing to study Buddhism, and should join the local zen center, to get some guidance on how to start meditating. I know that tantra &/or yoga (are they the same thing?) should also be included. I don't know much about them, I just know that tantra includes sexuality and yoga includes excercise, and those are two things that I have always found spiritual, and I am excited that maybe these things could possibly be a prt of a lifestyle.
I know that I should stay at my airline and finish my degree in Psychology. Psychology is my passion, I am talented in understanding it, I am talented in empathy, and my Psycholgy studies would fit very well into my spiritual studies.
I know that I want to fit into mainstream America. I am American. I need to stop feeling shame about all of the unhealthy aspects of our culture and instead focus on what we do right (we do many things very well) and work to heal what is unhealthy about our culture. I never want to become a person who uses too flowery of words, "insider jargon" I want to be a person who a mainstream American will look at me, and see what we have in common, instead of seeing what is different. More importantly, I want to look at a mainstream American and see what we have in common, instead of what is different. I want to be at peace with "my people" and my culture, I don't want to dissociate myself from them like it is so tempting to do. Maybe the term I should use is Mainstream White America. I think that is the most accurate term.
And as for men, that should fall into place if I am doing these things. If I am following my passion, being my truest self, the person for me should be easier to find, because they will be able to identify who I am more easily if I am truely, authenticly being me.
Yay
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