It's about 2:30 AM. My insomnia makes sense right now, because I have been staying up so late recently, but I am tossing and turning here at the hotel. I came downstairs because I thought writing out what is on my mind might help, but there is a REALLY annoying REALLY flamboyant guy in the room. He reminds me of my old roommate, and he's loud, and annoying, so I am not feeling more calm.
Here's what's stressing me, I was reading craigslist for fun, and this guy was writing about how women are shallow and wont date him because he's disabled. I wrote him a compassionate note with suggestions (including dont look for dates on Craigslist) and for some reason I kept the conversation going.
I think it's for the same reason I like to meet people from different countries and social groups, I thought it would be interesting to meet a disabled person and if their cool, be friends. But why didn't I think of the complications???
I'm a woman, he's a desperately horny man. I can't be positive but I think I have seen a few ad's from him and he sounded desperate. So now I am meeting him, with a normal (hopefully) attitude about meeting someone, but he is coming in eager, with little experience (I imagine) and he is going to have no game and I am going to be annoyed and never want to hang out with him again.
Swear to god, I could fall in love with a guy in a wheelchair, if he was completely normal mentally. But how "normal" mentally can you be if you have spent your whole life being so different? I just want to have coffee and talk about music, and maybe even physical therapy. But he has already showered me with compliments over the e-mail, and it makes me very uncomfortable. Not because he's in a wheelchair, because he's coming on too strong.
I want to take away everyone's pain. I have pity dated people before, just trying to boost them up, and sometimes it really worked, but at my expense. I am having major anxiety about this, and I have learned in life that it's important to follow my instincts.
So what do I do? I will for sure workout before meeting him, because it will make me calmer. But what do I do to calm myself tonight? Generalized Anxiety disorder is a bitch, and I think even though the risperdal made me gain weight, I will gain just as much weight from the extra anxiety without it.
Can't win.
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Saturday, September 29, 2007
I feel sick about it
Twice I have forgotten my passport, and I have forgotten my ID badge before. All very important things you must have, and it reflects very poorly on me to not have them.
Well today I forgot my badge again. My gut told me I was better off saying I was sick than admitting to forgetting it. I feel like I am in less trouble that way, and I don't have to face delayed passengers, but I hate doing it.
I sincerely feel sick. I guess I always do. But the anxiety of lying makes me feel even sicker, and ruins the fun of a day (or more) off. And I have to come up with a good strategy- do I call in again tomorrow, to make it look like a more genuine illness?, (and to not have to work 6 consecutive days) or do I go back tomorrow, and suggest maybe I had eaten a bad breakfast (which prevents the suggestion of going to the doctor)
The funniest part of all of this is I made extra sure that I had my passport. DUH!
I hope I keep my job
UPDATE: The anxiety put me dead to sleep. I slept between 10:30AM and 3:45PM. I dreamt that I was in a gym glass, (although I am 30) and they wanted us to get into groups of 4. I was having a difficult time getting into a group because they kept shifting around, and I found myself getting resentful, I felt that at 30 years old this was undignified, and I walked out. I was wearing no pants or socks, and it was snowy outside, but I only lived 2 blocks from home.
As dreams do I was in a car, then not, and I ended up getting really far from my house. At one point there was a van, and I walked through the van to cross the street. I asked the people in the van if they would take me the last two blocks, and instead they took me really far to a trailer park that they were all staying in. They were fans of a band and follwed the band around the country. Some of the people loved me, one in particular hated me. After awhile the one who didn't like me invited me to leave, and I did, and myself and a few others got robbed before we even were out of the trailer park!
When I finally got out of the trailer park I was very happy, but of course I got lost again. I saw a girl slouching and frowning, and I said "hey, smile!" and when she stood up straight and smiled she kept falling over. Dreams are weird. I think I woke up before getting home.
I'm not as anxious now I guess. But I think I should probably try to go to work tomorrow, if lying makes me this anxious.
Well today I forgot my badge again. My gut told me I was better off saying I was sick than admitting to forgetting it. I feel like I am in less trouble that way, and I don't have to face delayed passengers, but I hate doing it.
I sincerely feel sick. I guess I always do. But the anxiety of lying makes me feel even sicker, and ruins the fun of a day (or more) off. And I have to come up with a good strategy- do I call in again tomorrow, to make it look like a more genuine illness?, (and to not have to work 6 consecutive days) or do I go back tomorrow, and suggest maybe I had eaten a bad breakfast (which prevents the suggestion of going to the doctor)
The funniest part of all of this is I made extra sure that I had my passport. DUH!
I hope I keep my job
UPDATE: The anxiety put me dead to sleep. I slept between 10:30AM and 3:45PM. I dreamt that I was in a gym glass, (although I am 30) and they wanted us to get into groups of 4. I was having a difficult time getting into a group because they kept shifting around, and I found myself getting resentful, I felt that at 30 years old this was undignified, and I walked out. I was wearing no pants or socks, and it was snowy outside, but I only lived 2 blocks from home.
As dreams do I was in a car, then not, and I ended up getting really far from my house. At one point there was a van, and I walked through the van to cross the street. I asked the people in the van if they would take me the last two blocks, and instead they took me really far to a trailer park that they were all staying in. They were fans of a band and follwed the band around the country. Some of the people loved me, one in particular hated me. After awhile the one who didn't like me invited me to leave, and I did, and myself and a few others got robbed before we even were out of the trailer park!
When I finally got out of the trailer park I was very happy, but of course I got lost again. I saw a girl slouching and frowning, and I said "hey, smile!" and when she stood up straight and smiled she kept falling over. Dreams are weird. I think I woke up before getting home.
I'm not as anxious now I guess. But I think I should probably try to go to work tomorrow, if lying makes me this anxious.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Progress
I am still frustrated with my habit of being lazy and isolated in the house on sunny days. This is not healthy behavior, and if I am going to fight this depression, I need a lifestyle that is fun, not depressing like this.
I can say, today I did lay around (I even took a nap!) but at least I enjoyed it. Well, I didn't enjoy it, but I was able to laugh about it, laugh at myself instead of berating myself. I spent a lot of time reading about spoiled celebrities, and thought about how I judge them, yet am laying around like a trust fund baby.
But instead of focusing on what I haven't accomplished, lets look at what I HAVE! First off, the apartment and my room are fairly clean, my weight is down, I am surviving without Risperdal, and I am so much more social than I used to be.
When I think about it, I have come SO FAR, that I can imagine myself being the person I want to be eventually. I really want to be neat and be healthy in shape. It can happen.
Tell you what...right now I really feel like I don't want to be dating, I just am insecure about my lifestyle, and how I look, and don't want people to see it, well why dont I give myself a break? If I wait until I am 31 to try to meet someone I will not be that much behind the mark. I think I should give myself until my 31st birthday to push myself to date again.
I am progressing, and I think the reason my focus on the isolating, lazyness issue, is because I have accomplished or am accomplishing other goals, and this is the next one to tackle. Weight loss is not something I can accomplish without order, order in my house gives me energy and self-esteem.
I have made progress, I am doing GREAT! I am not perfect, far from it, but I am improving, and will continue to improve if I encourage myself instead of beating myself up, because that will make me want to quit.
AND, a BIG DEAL...I haven't been worried that I am falling into a depression for a long time! I ALWAYS worry about that. I am hoping that this is a sign that I am seeing myself in a different way, no longer "pathologizing" myself.
I can say, today I did lay around (I even took a nap!) but at least I enjoyed it. Well, I didn't enjoy it, but I was able to laugh about it, laugh at myself instead of berating myself. I spent a lot of time reading about spoiled celebrities, and thought about how I judge them, yet am laying around like a trust fund baby.
But instead of focusing on what I haven't accomplished, lets look at what I HAVE! First off, the apartment and my room are fairly clean, my weight is down, I am surviving without Risperdal, and I am so much more social than I used to be.
When I think about it, I have come SO FAR, that I can imagine myself being the person I want to be eventually. I really want to be neat and be healthy in shape. It can happen.
Tell you what...right now I really feel like I don't want to be dating, I just am insecure about my lifestyle, and how I look, and don't want people to see it, well why dont I give myself a break? If I wait until I am 31 to try to meet someone I will not be that much behind the mark. I think I should give myself until my 31st birthday to push myself to date again.
I am progressing, and I think the reason my focus on the isolating, lazyness issue, is because I have accomplished or am accomplishing other goals, and this is the next one to tackle. Weight loss is not something I can accomplish without order, order in my house gives me energy and self-esteem.
I have made progress, I am doing GREAT! I am not perfect, far from it, but I am improving, and will continue to improve if I encourage myself instead of beating myself up, because that will make me want to quit.
AND, a BIG DEAL...I haven't been worried that I am falling into a depression for a long time! I ALWAYS worry about that. I am hoping that this is a sign that I am seeing myself in a different way, no longer "pathologizing" myself.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Happy BirthdayDay
Today I went to 2 birthday parties. The first one was Linda's. I was planning to get up at 8, shave my legs and put self tanner on, but instead I woke up at 10, when linda planned to call me. (and when I was planning to be ready BTW)
It all worked out (for me anyway,) her tire popped, and she needed to get it repaired, & by the time I was up and ready and on the way, she said she was moving the party to her house, when I arrived I was able to help her clean, and get some last minute supplies.
One thing I noticed was how crabby Linda was. I knew how she was feeling, and I could see she wasn't able to calm herself down/cheer herself up. I was thinking about how I am usually able (lately anyway) to talk myself down and shift out of a tense, snippy mood like that. She did calm down, but it really made me reflect on my perception of myself as a "disordered" person. A lot of times I would think something was wrong with me because I would be so tense, and I wasn't able to see that everyone gets tense, everyone gets crabby, & everyone gets down in the dumps, no one is always happy and always perfect.
I can also see that a lot of what was wrong with me was not my biology, but my thinking patterns & resulting behaviors. I have been off of Risperdal for awhile, and frankly I am just fine without it. I am having some challenges, and I havent read a book since stopping, but most of the changes I can handle. I also enjoy that I am more enthusiastic and energetic. I was reflecting on the fact that I was in AFRICA, and wondering if I would have appreciated it more without Risperdal. I am also, of course, happy about the weight loss.
After Linda's party I went to TGIFridays to see Mary Anne, a former flight attendant from my airline. I was so proud of how not nervous I was, and I loved being out. One of Mary Anne's nieces really took a liking to me. She kept coming and talking to me and at the end of the night she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. That kiss lingered on my cheek for a long time. At the party was a pregnant pilot, a pilot that just had a baby, and other family members with children were there. It has gotten easier, but that huge hug and kiss on the cheek just warmed my heart like I couldn't believe. Something that was also a little shocking to me was the girls little sister asked me if I was married, and I said no, and she asked me if I wanted to be. And at the end of the night the girl who really liked me said I should get married and have kids. (out of the blue) It totally came out of nowhere, could they see the domesticity written on my forehead? I dont know, but I just loved those kids.
Also, I was proud of a conversation I had with my little friend. Mary Anne said "her name is the name of a goddess" and the little girl asked what a goddess was. I said "well many people tell stories to explain the way the world works, and the greeks said that gods and goddesses lived on a mountain and controlled things." The little girl said "thats bad, right?" and I said "some people think it's bad" and she asked "do you think it's bad?" and I said "not really." It was perfect. It wasn't preachy, but it was honest and descriptive. I wanted to pat myself on the back for that one.
I ate too much today but I had fun. I am really pleased with how far I have come in my social anxiety. I used to have social phobia, and I could say that that is probably cured. I still get anxious, but I get better and better every day. Some people even compliment me on how outgoing I am. I am very proud.
What a nice day.
It all worked out (for me anyway,) her tire popped, and she needed to get it repaired, & by the time I was up and ready and on the way, she said she was moving the party to her house, when I arrived I was able to help her clean, and get some last minute supplies.
One thing I noticed was how crabby Linda was. I knew how she was feeling, and I could see she wasn't able to calm herself down/cheer herself up. I was thinking about how I am usually able (lately anyway) to talk myself down and shift out of a tense, snippy mood like that. She did calm down, but it really made me reflect on my perception of myself as a "disordered" person. A lot of times I would think something was wrong with me because I would be so tense, and I wasn't able to see that everyone gets tense, everyone gets crabby, & everyone gets down in the dumps, no one is always happy and always perfect.
I can also see that a lot of what was wrong with me was not my biology, but my thinking patterns & resulting behaviors. I have been off of Risperdal for awhile, and frankly I am just fine without it. I am having some challenges, and I havent read a book since stopping, but most of the changes I can handle. I also enjoy that I am more enthusiastic and energetic. I was reflecting on the fact that I was in AFRICA, and wondering if I would have appreciated it more without Risperdal. I am also, of course, happy about the weight loss.
After Linda's party I went to TGIFridays to see Mary Anne, a former flight attendant from my airline. I was so proud of how not nervous I was, and I loved being out. One of Mary Anne's nieces really took a liking to me. She kept coming and talking to me and at the end of the night she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. That kiss lingered on my cheek for a long time. At the party was a pregnant pilot, a pilot that just had a baby, and other family members with children were there. It has gotten easier, but that huge hug and kiss on the cheek just warmed my heart like I couldn't believe. Something that was also a little shocking to me was the girls little sister asked me if I was married, and I said no, and she asked me if I wanted to be. And at the end of the night the girl who really liked me said I should get married and have kids. (out of the blue) It totally came out of nowhere, could they see the domesticity written on my forehead? I dont know, but I just loved those kids.
Also, I was proud of a conversation I had with my little friend. Mary Anne said "her name is the name of a goddess" and the little girl asked what a goddess was. I said "well many people tell stories to explain the way the world works, and the greeks said that gods and goddesses lived on a mountain and controlled things." The little girl said "thats bad, right?" and I said "some people think it's bad" and she asked "do you think it's bad?" and I said "not really." It was perfect. It wasn't preachy, but it was honest and descriptive. I wanted to pat myself on the back for that one.
I ate too much today but I had fun. I am really pleased with how far I have come in my social anxiety. I used to have social phobia, and I could say that that is probably cured. I still get anxious, but I get better and better every day. Some people even compliment me on how outgoing I am. I am very proud.
What a nice day.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
I CANT FAH-KING SLEEP!
Its 4:30 AM, and I am not nearly close to sleeping. As it is now, I could clean my room for all I care.
There are many reasons why I think it's happening, number one, I didn't eat enough today. I am cutting down on my eating, and since my appetite is less from stopping the risperdal, I hardly need to eat, and I am not eating as much as I should (today anyway.) Today I had a HUGE omelette, toast, coffee, and a hummus sandwich. The omelette could count as two meals, but I should have some snacks too. I would get something to eat, but it would wake up my roommate, who complained to Jennifer about me "stomping around and rattling dishes"
And that is another reason I think I am not sleeping, I just had a rotten day with Jennifer. She is completely impossible, and since she is not my roommate anymore, I really dont need to walk on egg-shells do I? I was thinking about how she was complaining about her friend being evil for calling her friend matthew "mean" then when I suggested she might not be evil Jen got mad at me, because she just wants to believe her friend is awful, my suggesting another angle was "defending her unacceptable behavior" and then later in the day Jennifer said that Matthew is mean. What a bunch of crazy.
I also feel really humiliated to learn that my roommate was upset about me not cashing checks soon enough. If she is mad at that, but doesnt show it, what else is she mad at? (one thing- she hates when I soak recyclables. She throws them from the sink, into the recycling, unwashed)
Then I am anxious because I posted a roommate ad, and its a lot of excitement. I am thinking I want a man, because I am so tired of women's bullshit (like not telling me they are mad, or being rediculously sensitive where you cant even try to cheer them up) but I am afraid if I live with a man I will either sleep with him, or want to sleep with him. Both would be bad. Maybe a gay man would be perfect- nah, they are the biggest bitches of them all!
I drank an energy drink at 4 today, I am sure that didnt help matters much. I want to SLEEP! AAAAH! I am supposed to show the apartment tomorrow!
There are many reasons why I think it's happening, number one, I didn't eat enough today. I am cutting down on my eating, and since my appetite is less from stopping the risperdal, I hardly need to eat, and I am not eating as much as I should (today anyway.) Today I had a HUGE omelette, toast, coffee, and a hummus sandwich. The omelette could count as two meals, but I should have some snacks too. I would get something to eat, but it would wake up my roommate, who complained to Jennifer about me "stomping around and rattling dishes"
And that is another reason I think I am not sleeping, I just had a rotten day with Jennifer. She is completely impossible, and since she is not my roommate anymore, I really dont need to walk on egg-shells do I? I was thinking about how she was complaining about her friend being evil for calling her friend matthew "mean" then when I suggested she might not be evil Jen got mad at me, because she just wants to believe her friend is awful, my suggesting another angle was "defending her unacceptable behavior" and then later in the day Jennifer said that Matthew is mean. What a bunch of crazy.
I also feel really humiliated to learn that my roommate was upset about me not cashing checks soon enough. If she is mad at that, but doesnt show it, what else is she mad at? (one thing- she hates when I soak recyclables. She throws them from the sink, into the recycling, unwashed)
Then I am anxious because I posted a roommate ad, and its a lot of excitement. I am thinking I want a man, because I am so tired of women's bullshit (like not telling me they are mad, or being rediculously sensitive where you cant even try to cheer them up) but I am afraid if I live with a man I will either sleep with him, or want to sleep with him. Both would be bad. Maybe a gay man would be perfect- nah, they are the biggest bitches of them all!
I drank an energy drink at 4 today, I am sure that didnt help matters much. I want to SLEEP! AAAAH! I am supposed to show the apartment tomorrow!
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Starting Fresh
A few days ago I was lamenting the fact that 2 of my single friends are leaving the city. Jennifer is going to grad school in Arizona, and Emma is taking a 10 month position in Bangladesh. I was sad and upset, but after today, I am okay with it.
I am sad about Emma leaving, but Jennifer I am glad about. I love her, I really do, but she drives me up the fucking wall. She is a dominant personality, and has some unhealthy thinking patterns that she is too stubborn to recognize, and far too defensive to have them pointed out.
Today she was complaining that her friend said her friend/lover Matthew is mean. Well, he is sortof mean. So she complained and complained about how wrong it was for her friend to judge her so, and I kept trying to point out that her intentions were probably good. (No, I did not mention that I also think Matthew is mean)
At one point Jennifer said "WHY DO YOU KEEP DEFENDING HER?" and I made a point to counter her as vigorously has she stated it, because she intimidates to get her point across. I let her know that sometimes she has a negative perspective on things, and that I was just making sure she could see that there may have been only concern, not malice and judgement coming from her friend.
I wont go into the conversation any deeper, but needless to say you cant win with Jennifer. Its her way or the highway. That is how I relate to her, I just let her have her way, because arguing with her is just so annoying. She wants her way, she gets it. It's not that rewarding a good percentage of the time.
Now that she will be going to Arizona I will have her in small bits, and only over the phone, so I can hang up when she starts getting impossible, which is often.
Another thing that at one point in my life would have stressed me out is my roommate (Jennifer's friend) is going to grad school too. All this time I thought her and I were fine, but it turns out that she had made comments about me to Jennifer. I am sure it was just venting, not talking smack, but its still annoying to hear about it third hand. Jennifers dumb way about relaying the message adds to the abnoxiousness of the whole thing, but who cares? Because she is leaving in a week.
I have to face the fact that I will be judged for my lifestyle, even if it is because of depression. In fact, the fact that I acknowledge the depression as the cause of the isolating and procrastinating probably makes people judge me more, because it's seen as an excuse, not simply a reason, or one of many challenges that I have faced, one, like many others, I will be successful at, but am yet to overcome.
But it is at the top of my list to deal with. Laying in my bed surfing the internet on a sunny day is not how I want to live my life. I am living the lifestyle that worked for me when I was depressed, but I am not depressed now, and I need to break these habits, or I will be depressed again.
What I am planning to do on my anti-social days is this, if I am going to be alone, I might as well be alone at the gym and the coffee shop. I hopefully will go to the gym, take a shower, and then look at gossip sites at the coffee shop. I have NO problem being a complete bum, who does nothing but lift weights and drink coffee, as long as I am a happy bum. Right now, I am not a happy bum.
The great news is, a new roomate doesnt ever need to know about my gossip in bed on a sunny day habit. He or she will only see what I present to them, so I can try to make my bum habits part of my past.
A fresh start is great. I feel lucky, not stressed
I am sad about Emma leaving, but Jennifer I am glad about. I love her, I really do, but she drives me up the fucking wall. She is a dominant personality, and has some unhealthy thinking patterns that she is too stubborn to recognize, and far too defensive to have them pointed out.
Today she was complaining that her friend said her friend/lover Matthew is mean. Well, he is sortof mean. So she complained and complained about how wrong it was for her friend to judge her so, and I kept trying to point out that her intentions were probably good. (No, I did not mention that I also think Matthew is mean)
At one point Jennifer said "WHY DO YOU KEEP DEFENDING HER?" and I made a point to counter her as vigorously has she stated it, because she intimidates to get her point across. I let her know that sometimes she has a negative perspective on things, and that I was just making sure she could see that there may have been only concern, not malice and judgement coming from her friend.
I wont go into the conversation any deeper, but needless to say you cant win with Jennifer. Its her way or the highway. That is how I relate to her, I just let her have her way, because arguing with her is just so annoying. She wants her way, she gets it. It's not that rewarding a good percentage of the time.
Now that she will be going to Arizona I will have her in small bits, and only over the phone, so I can hang up when she starts getting impossible, which is often.
Another thing that at one point in my life would have stressed me out is my roommate (Jennifer's friend) is going to grad school too. All this time I thought her and I were fine, but it turns out that she had made comments about me to Jennifer. I am sure it was just venting, not talking smack, but its still annoying to hear about it third hand. Jennifers dumb way about relaying the message adds to the abnoxiousness of the whole thing, but who cares? Because she is leaving in a week.
I have to face the fact that I will be judged for my lifestyle, even if it is because of depression. In fact, the fact that I acknowledge the depression as the cause of the isolating and procrastinating probably makes people judge me more, because it's seen as an excuse, not simply a reason, or one of many challenges that I have faced, one, like many others, I will be successful at, but am yet to overcome.
But it is at the top of my list to deal with. Laying in my bed surfing the internet on a sunny day is not how I want to live my life. I am living the lifestyle that worked for me when I was depressed, but I am not depressed now, and I need to break these habits, or I will be depressed again.
What I am planning to do on my anti-social days is this, if I am going to be alone, I might as well be alone at the gym and the coffee shop. I hopefully will go to the gym, take a shower, and then look at gossip sites at the coffee shop. I have NO problem being a complete bum, who does nothing but lift weights and drink coffee, as long as I am a happy bum. Right now, I am not a happy bum.
The great news is, a new roomate doesnt ever need to know about my gossip in bed on a sunny day habit. He or she will only see what I present to them, so I can try to make my bum habits part of my past.
A fresh start is great. I feel lucky, not stressed
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
A nice moment between dad and I
I dont think I wrote about the nice moment my dad and I had the other day. I couldn't sleep at my grandparent's/dad's the other day because the walls were caving in on me because I was having traumatic flashbacks of living under my dad's care, but I made the choice to lie to my family, and say it was the ticking of the clocks that kept me awake. What good would it do to rub it in?
I had told him that night that he sometimes makes things more complicated than they need to be, and I reflected on how so much of what I had to un-learn in therapy I learned from him, and so he is still suffering from things I have overcome.
The next day when we were alone I mentioned this, how so much of what I have un-learned I learned from him, so if he went to therapy it could unlearn these things and reduce his stress. I also mentioned that one advantage I have over him is I am open to trying different things, and he is very stubborn. But if he could be less stubborn and more open he could benefit a lot from it. He has said in the past that he is too busy, so I loaned him a well respected book "the anxiety and phobia workbook"
His response was very receptive. He even said "I would love to be more like you" that is almost as good as hearing "I was not a good parent to you, and you deserved better."
I also think, that in the safe place as an adult that I am in, the "daddy daughter game" should continue. He needs to think of himself as a decent parent more than I need the justice of having it acknowledged that my childhood was ruined by his parenting and alcoholism, and that so much of the mental problems I face today are bcaust of him. the only danger I have to avoid is falling into the trap of hoping he will play the role of parent that I need, because he often lets me down, not that that is what he wants.
Wow, he just e-mailed me.
I had told him that night that he sometimes makes things more complicated than they need to be, and I reflected on how so much of what I had to un-learn in therapy I learned from him, and so he is still suffering from things I have overcome.
The next day when we were alone I mentioned this, how so much of what I have un-learned I learned from him, so if he went to therapy it could unlearn these things and reduce his stress. I also mentioned that one advantage I have over him is I am open to trying different things, and he is very stubborn. But if he could be less stubborn and more open he could benefit a lot from it. He has said in the past that he is too busy, so I loaned him a well respected book "the anxiety and phobia workbook"
His response was very receptive. He even said "I would love to be more like you" that is almost as good as hearing "I was not a good parent to you, and you deserved better."
I also think, that in the safe place as an adult that I am in, the "daddy daughter game" should continue. He needs to think of himself as a decent parent more than I need the justice of having it acknowledged that my childhood was ruined by his parenting and alcoholism, and that so much of the mental problems I face today are bcaust of him. the only danger I have to avoid is falling into the trap of hoping he will play the role of parent that I need, because he often lets me down, not that that is what he wants.
Wow, he just e-mailed me.
Loving my dad makes me sick
Last night I loved my dad a little bit. I was spending the day at my grandparent's (and his) house because other family was in town, and I softened up a bit. I was laying on the couch in the living room about to doze off and my dad came down for a cigarette. Before going outside he told me he was having an excruciating toothache, and will likely (finally) get them all pulled and get dentures.
You see, my dad has barely any teeth. He took a medication called parnate in the 90's and literally woke up with teeth coming out of his mouth. Is this shocking and upsetting to you? Now imagine it's your dad telling you this. He also was obsessing (as he does) about loaning me an external drive for my uganda photos. I reminded him twice that I can just put them on a DVD and they will be fine. He did this again recently, he was trying so hard to get me a computer bag from the things he has. He had one that would have worked, but it had a devider in it, so he kept obsessing, saying "I will saw the devider out" when I had already said I would just keep looking for a bag at a thrift store. He does this, he makes a simple thing complicated.
The obvious connection between these two things is that they are heroic efforts that he does on his daughter's behalf. He wants to be important in my life, and he is well aware that he isnt (not in a positive way) and so even though I have already stated I have a solution, he still will stick to his train of thought about fixing my problem until I have told him twice "no dad, a solution has been reached"
Another offputting thing about him is that he appears not to listen, ever. I will tell a story and he will smile blankly and say "oh!" when it is really not the right response to the comment or story. I wonder what he is thinking about when I am talking, and why he responds at all if he isn't listening. He did that a lot to me as a kid, but it's just peculiar now.
Last night after he finished his cigarette and went back to bed my anxiety was in full force. I haven't felt that anxious since before I started risperdal. I felt like I was a child again, living with my dad, and I felt that awful desire to escape, with no way out. However I had a way out. I knew that I needed to get home, so I could remember that I am an adult now, I am safe, and I am not tied to him. I left a note on the table and drove home, at my grandparents, in the car, and at home I cried a little, but I felt safe again, and fell asleep just fine.
What I think I have to be careful of is loving him in the wrong way. When I love him "as a dad" I am tying myself to him. Boundaries between parents and kids are naturally more pourous than with other people, I think. Or maybe he has terrible boundaries, and is always trying to suck me back in. Either way, boundaries are everything. I have to keep remembering that him and I are seperate beings, his choices and crazyness are him, not me. Since my adolecence my dad has felt like an energy sucking black hole, like I should put all my attention onto him and his issues, and none will be put on my upbringing. My aunt said that he didn't even think it was a big deal that I was having sex at 13!
Frankly, I want nothing to do with him. He is awful to look at and smell, and he has brought more pain and suffering into my life than anything good. But he's still my dad, and I can't pretend he doesn't exist can I? Uh, I dont like where this is going. I dont think it is safe to have any more than a superficial relationship with that man. He has hurt me so many times, I feel sick just thinking about him. I owe him nothing.
On the other hand, do you hate a family member who is retarded, or has alzheimers? It's really the same thing. But it's unhealhty to turn to someone with downs syndrome or alzheimers, and expect fully healthy things from them- especially for them to be a parent. Thats just the thing...he was an unfit parent, and many of the mental problems I have are a result of that. Let me be aware of that and move forward without the wish that he can ever be more.
Its so sad. I worshiped him when I was a little girl. I loved him more than my own mom. Thats what was so hard, to feel that way about him, and to want that feeling back, but to be hurt every time I trust him. I feel so bad for him. He makes an outcast of himself by his appearance. People must assume its meth because of his teeth, I just cant imagine how isolated he must feel.
I wish I could save him, but I tried for years, life doesn't work that way.
You see, my dad has barely any teeth. He took a medication called parnate in the 90's and literally woke up with teeth coming out of his mouth. Is this shocking and upsetting to you? Now imagine it's your dad telling you this. He also was obsessing (as he does) about loaning me an external drive for my uganda photos. I reminded him twice that I can just put them on a DVD and they will be fine. He did this again recently, he was trying so hard to get me a computer bag from the things he has. He had one that would have worked, but it had a devider in it, so he kept obsessing, saying "I will saw the devider out" when I had already said I would just keep looking for a bag at a thrift store. He does this, he makes a simple thing complicated.
The obvious connection between these two things is that they are heroic efforts that he does on his daughter's behalf. He wants to be important in my life, and he is well aware that he isnt (not in a positive way) and so even though I have already stated I have a solution, he still will stick to his train of thought about fixing my problem until I have told him twice "no dad, a solution has been reached"
Another offputting thing about him is that he appears not to listen, ever. I will tell a story and he will smile blankly and say "oh!" when it is really not the right response to the comment or story. I wonder what he is thinking about when I am talking, and why he responds at all if he isn't listening. He did that a lot to me as a kid, but it's just peculiar now.
Last night after he finished his cigarette and went back to bed my anxiety was in full force. I haven't felt that anxious since before I started risperdal. I felt like I was a child again, living with my dad, and I felt that awful desire to escape, with no way out. However I had a way out. I knew that I needed to get home, so I could remember that I am an adult now, I am safe, and I am not tied to him. I left a note on the table and drove home, at my grandparents, in the car, and at home I cried a little, but I felt safe again, and fell asleep just fine.
What I think I have to be careful of is loving him in the wrong way. When I love him "as a dad" I am tying myself to him. Boundaries between parents and kids are naturally more pourous than with other people, I think. Or maybe he has terrible boundaries, and is always trying to suck me back in. Either way, boundaries are everything. I have to keep remembering that him and I are seperate beings, his choices and crazyness are him, not me. Since my adolecence my dad has felt like an energy sucking black hole, like I should put all my attention onto him and his issues, and none will be put on my upbringing. My aunt said that he didn't even think it was a big deal that I was having sex at 13!
Frankly, I want nothing to do with him. He is awful to look at and smell, and he has brought more pain and suffering into my life than anything good. But he's still my dad, and I can't pretend he doesn't exist can I? Uh, I dont like where this is going. I dont think it is safe to have any more than a superficial relationship with that man. He has hurt me so many times, I feel sick just thinking about him. I owe him nothing.
On the other hand, do you hate a family member who is retarded, or has alzheimers? It's really the same thing. But it's unhealhty to turn to someone with downs syndrome or alzheimers, and expect fully healthy things from them- especially for them to be a parent. Thats just the thing...he was an unfit parent, and many of the mental problems I have are a result of that. Let me be aware of that and move forward without the wish that he can ever be more.
Its so sad. I worshiped him when I was a little girl. I loved him more than my own mom. Thats what was so hard, to feel that way about him, and to want that feeling back, but to be hurt every time I trust him. I feel so bad for him. He makes an outcast of himself by his appearance. People must assume its meth because of his teeth, I just cant imagine how isolated he must feel.
I wish I could save him, but I tried for years, life doesn't work that way.
Friday, July 20, 2007
I feel optimistic
2 days no risperdal
You know what? I think I am going to survive without risperdal. I will be a little too hyper and a little too tense, but I will cope. I have learned a lot about what is reasonable to get upset about and what isn't, and after being a calm person for 2 years, thats normal to me now, so I don't think I can go back to how I was before.
Also there is a lot of good things about being off risperdal. My weight for one. Also I am more energetic and feel more emotions, making me more likely to cry- which is a great catharsis.
I think I am going to make it
You know what? I think I am going to survive without risperdal. I will be a little too hyper and a little too tense, but I will cope. I have learned a lot about what is reasonable to get upset about and what isn't, and after being a calm person for 2 years, thats normal to me now, so I don't think I can go back to how I was before.
Also there is a lot of good things about being off risperdal. My weight for one. Also I am more energetic and feel more emotions, making me more likely to cry- which is a great catharsis.
I think I am going to make it
Thursday, July 19, 2007
No Risperdal
When I went to visit my family I had the worst time getting ready to go. i kept pushing back the time I said I would go, and I seriously considered not going. That would have been so stupid. I hung out and giggled with my girl cousins, walked around a beautiful lake, had a picnic with the whole family (including my awesome grandpa) and distributed Uganda souveniers, and had a campfire with smores. I didn't feel a moments depression when I was there (and I have before when I was there)
So yesterday I decided I felt strong enough to taper down to no risperdal. So today was my first day without.
I started out just fine, but on my flight to white plains I nearly lost it. People were getting up when they werent supposed to and one guy was so stupid that I wont even tell the story. At the end of the flight I said "I was in Uganda where people live in mud huts, and they have more class than these people" and I turned my head and there was the jerk-off. Ha ha
I went with the pilots to the restaurant in the hotel, and the waitress was so rude that I told the pilots "you know what? I can't deal with this...I'm going for a bike ride" (the hotel has bikes :) ) I am glad I did, the bike ride helped.
I think I might not take it tonight either, though I worry I might be making a mistake. Maybe I should be doing this under the observation of a professional, though I think if I feel too weird I can just take it again and then call someone.
I'm not happy to go back to being hyper and irritable. Although there are some plus sides, I am more bubbly and I laugh harder. Maybe I can just learn to contain myself a little, and keep my composure and it will be fine.
And some sleep would help
So yesterday I decided I felt strong enough to taper down to no risperdal. So today was my first day without.
I started out just fine, but on my flight to white plains I nearly lost it. People were getting up when they werent supposed to and one guy was so stupid that I wont even tell the story. At the end of the flight I said "I was in Uganda where people live in mud huts, and they have more class than these people" and I turned my head and there was the jerk-off. Ha ha
I went with the pilots to the restaurant in the hotel, and the waitress was so rude that I told the pilots "you know what? I can't deal with this...I'm going for a bike ride" (the hotel has bikes :) ) I am glad I did, the bike ride helped.
I think I might not take it tonight either, though I worry I might be making a mistake. Maybe I should be doing this under the observation of a professional, though I think if I feel too weird I can just take it again and then call someone.
I'm not happy to go back to being hyper and irritable. Although there are some plus sides, I am more bubbly and I laugh harder. Maybe I can just learn to contain myself a little, and keep my composure and it will be fine.
And some sleep would help
Sunday, July 15, 2007
The Rght Direction
I think that my realization that I was dwelling on my crabbiness and misery and making it worse has done me some good. I still have done my share of laying in bed with my computer on my lap, but eventually I was up and cleaning my house. I cleaned the bathroom, kitchen and living room, and now I am finally tackling my bedroom.
My therapist told me that you can't unlearn what you have learned. It makes sense. I may have flirted with the idea that I am unloveable and a failure, but now that I am aware that that is untrue, I wasn't able to hold onto it for long. I eventually had to admit to myself that I am not a loser, but in fact very smart and tenatious, and that I will cope with the increased anxiety, I will be imperfect, but it is time that I learned that that is inevitable.
Wish me luck that I finish cleaning my room. My instincts say I will :)
My therapist told me that you can't unlearn what you have learned. It makes sense. I may have flirted with the idea that I am unloveable and a failure, but now that I am aware that that is untrue, I wasn't able to hold onto it for long. I eventually had to admit to myself that I am not a loser, but in fact very smart and tenatious, and that I will cope with the increased anxiety, I will be imperfect, but it is time that I learned that that is inevitable.
Wish me luck that I finish cleaning my room. My instincts say I will :)
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Dwelling
So I'm miserable, so the tinyest tasks seem like moving mountains, that is all very unfortunate, but I am making it worse by the way I dwell on it.
I am supposed to visit my family in the north of my state this week, and my patterns are to want to cancel. I am miserable, so instead of seeing my family and being partially distracted from my misery I should stay home and lie in my bed where I can give my misery my undivided attention?
When I get by myself my mind just starts going on and on. I will never be married. I will never have a family. If I was married with a family I would screw them up. I will be the crazy aunt/cat lady. I am the worst employee in the world, I will never have a good career. I will never make a comfortable living. And on, and on, and on.
Wait...that is the exact discription of the broken record in my head that I hate, and was happy to get rid of with the Risperdal! So part of the trick will be saying "the record is playing again" and disregard the thoughts as being as false as a Schitzophrenic's hallucinations.
So yes, I will probably get married. I will not only eventually meet a great guy, I will probably be meeting a new man within a few months. I didn't marry Charles because he is not Mr. Right (it still pains me to write that) and I will find someone as good as Charles, but who fits me better (or maybe I'll marry Charles)
I will have children, and I will likely be too crabby sometimes, but I will not screw up my children's lives just because I yell now and then.
I will have many jobs in my life. I will not be stuck where I am, and I will not have to be a waitress, and if I am, it wont be forever. I will find a way to help people somehow.
I have come a long way. Just because I am feeling a little depressed doesn't mean I have to go back to the depressed behaviors I have practiced in the past. I might not be happy at times, I will for sure be so irritable I could explode, but it will pass, and I will learn how to manage my anger.
I am going to my family's and I am going to stay on top of things as much as I can. i wont be perfect, but that doesn't make me dispicable. My temprament might not be as naturally pleasant as I wish it was, but that doesnt mean I am a bad person, or that I am unpleasant all the time.
I am supposed to visit my family in the north of my state this week, and my patterns are to want to cancel. I am miserable, so instead of seeing my family and being partially distracted from my misery I should stay home and lie in my bed where I can give my misery my undivided attention?
When I get by myself my mind just starts going on and on. I will never be married. I will never have a family. If I was married with a family I would screw them up. I will be the crazy aunt/cat lady. I am the worst employee in the world, I will never have a good career. I will never make a comfortable living. And on, and on, and on.
Wait...that is the exact discription of the broken record in my head that I hate, and was happy to get rid of with the Risperdal! So part of the trick will be saying "the record is playing again" and disregard the thoughts as being as false as a Schitzophrenic's hallucinations.
So yes, I will probably get married. I will not only eventually meet a great guy, I will probably be meeting a new man within a few months. I didn't marry Charles because he is not Mr. Right (it still pains me to write that) and I will find someone as good as Charles, but who fits me better (or maybe I'll marry Charles)
I will have children, and I will likely be too crabby sometimes, but I will not screw up my children's lives just because I yell now and then.
I will have many jobs in my life. I will not be stuck where I am, and I will not have to be a waitress, and if I am, it wont be forever. I will find a way to help people somehow.
I have come a long way. Just because I am feeling a little depressed doesn't mean I have to go back to the depressed behaviors I have practiced in the past. I might not be happy at times, I will for sure be so irritable I could explode, but it will pass, and I will learn how to manage my anger.
I am going to my family's and I am going to stay on top of things as much as I can. i wont be perfect, but that doesn't make me dispicable. My temprament might not be as naturally pleasant as I wish it was, but that doesnt mean I am a bad person, or that I am unpleasant all the time.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
I want my mom
My last post got me thinking. What is my very favorite addiction? Boys :) This has been the case since I turned 12, and went from an ugly duckling to a swan. I have found attention intoxicating, and have felt at my worst when I was obese and not getting any attention.
Boys provide attention, sex, and companionship, the perfect trifecta for someone in my position. I am constantly walking around with an empty hole in me. I used to have a mom who took me to the library, fed me whole wheat foods, and took me to dozens of doctors. She cared about the person I would turn out to be. She made me clean my room, finish my spinach, eat my applesauce with bran sprinkled on it. Then she died, and I moved in with my dad (my hero at the time) and step-mom. They put me in my room with a TV and bought me things. I always felt like a third wheel there. Home didn't feel like home. It was like I was on my bi-weekly custody weekends, just for an extended period of time. Then of course my step-mom left and my dad started drinking and I became completely invisible. There was a roof over my head and food in my belly, but I was still completely invisible.
This all happened when I was developing, so this hole in my heart is permanent. It cant be filled, because the only thing that can fill a hole like that is a loving parent. But boys make me forget about that hole. They pay attention to me, so I don't feel invisible. The give me sex, so I get the touching, embracing, and cuddling that a person needs, and they give me companionship, so I am not so lonely.
Problem is, I am fearful I can't have a healthy relationship. I am still so broken up about Charles letting me down. It was hard for me to let myself love someone, I was willing to give up good sex, maybe for my entire life, in order to be loved like I was by him. But he abandoned me too. Just like my mom, just like my stepmom, just like my dad. How can I open my heart again? I really trusted that Charles loved me, and maybe he did, but he wouldn't give me what I need.
I cant be alone like this. I cant stand the feeling that if I disappeared no one would know. I know I do this to myself, I isolate myself, but sometimes my social interactions feel so unsatisfying. I dont want to have a normal adult relationships. I want my mom. I don't want an Aunt who has been good to me. I want MY MOM. Its her job to love me. I don't have to feel like a burden, it's her job. I'm entitiled to a moms love. I don't have to say thank you. Its just there. Its my right.
Unfortunately, a relationship will never be like that. I will never replace the love of a mom with a man. A sexual relationship is a relationship between equals. You can't melt into another person like you can with a mom (in fact, melting into someone is a sign of unhealthy boundaries.)
So knowing the hole will not be filled, where do I go from here? Fortunately right now I am crying, which is very rare for me, and I think is very healthy. I suppose I can remind myself that the future is not bleak, and the only way it is bleak is if I convince myself it is, and create a self-fufilling prophecy.
I write this with a desperation. As if maybe I can be convincing enough, that my lonliness will be clear enough, and my mom will realize she made a mistake to die, and she'll come back, and my depression and anxiety will go away. Oh my god I am 30. I cant spend fifty more years like this. There is no medication that can safely take the edge off this constant pain. I can't just continually eat to numb it anymore. I can't have sex with people I don't love to quiet it anymore. I can't take up drugs or alcohol, or develop a different eating disorder to distract myself. I got to do something else.
Maybe what I need is to grieve again. I know I made an effort to appear strong, and when my dad started drinking I completely made an effort to prove I was strong, to be strong for him too.
What I also can't do is kill myself. I have to get that thought out of my head. It's just a distraction from solving the problems of my depression and anxiety. It may end my pain, but it would cause problems for people around me. I now have made a promise to a boy in Uganda that I will pay for his education, if I killed myself I would kill his dream. I would upset my friends, I would make them wish they could have done something. I would upset my family who lost their sister and mom. And my dad, he might never recover. He would likely start drinking again, he might even kill himself.
I really need to listen to what I am writing here and take it as red flags. I need to get back into the therapist who can remind me that I am a drama queen, and that things arent so dire. I mean my god, my life is pretty fucking great. It is really great, but I am able to convince myself that it's not. In fact, I may be having a sad mood right now, but I am actually pretty happy for much of the time (I am right? I can still enjoy things, right?) Uh! I think so, I... uh!
Maybe I should go to bed. It's 11:30, there is no reason why I have to be awake right now, wallowing, and digging a deeper and deeper hole of depression for myself. Thats what therapy teaches, to cut that cycle out. I hope I have done that.
Boys provide attention, sex, and companionship, the perfect trifecta for someone in my position. I am constantly walking around with an empty hole in me. I used to have a mom who took me to the library, fed me whole wheat foods, and took me to dozens of doctors. She cared about the person I would turn out to be. She made me clean my room, finish my spinach, eat my applesauce with bran sprinkled on it. Then she died, and I moved in with my dad (my hero at the time) and step-mom. They put me in my room with a TV and bought me things. I always felt like a third wheel there. Home didn't feel like home. It was like I was on my bi-weekly custody weekends, just for an extended period of time. Then of course my step-mom left and my dad started drinking and I became completely invisible. There was a roof over my head and food in my belly, but I was still completely invisible.
This all happened when I was developing, so this hole in my heart is permanent. It cant be filled, because the only thing that can fill a hole like that is a loving parent. But boys make me forget about that hole. They pay attention to me, so I don't feel invisible. The give me sex, so I get the touching, embracing, and cuddling that a person needs, and they give me companionship, so I am not so lonely.
Problem is, I am fearful I can't have a healthy relationship. I am still so broken up about Charles letting me down. It was hard for me to let myself love someone, I was willing to give up good sex, maybe for my entire life, in order to be loved like I was by him. But he abandoned me too. Just like my mom, just like my stepmom, just like my dad. How can I open my heart again? I really trusted that Charles loved me, and maybe he did, but he wouldn't give me what I need.
I cant be alone like this. I cant stand the feeling that if I disappeared no one would know. I know I do this to myself, I isolate myself, but sometimes my social interactions feel so unsatisfying. I dont want to have a normal adult relationships. I want my mom. I don't want an Aunt who has been good to me. I want MY MOM. Its her job to love me. I don't have to feel like a burden, it's her job. I'm entitiled to a moms love. I don't have to say thank you. Its just there. Its my right.
Unfortunately, a relationship will never be like that. I will never replace the love of a mom with a man. A sexual relationship is a relationship between equals. You can't melt into another person like you can with a mom (in fact, melting into someone is a sign of unhealthy boundaries.)
So knowing the hole will not be filled, where do I go from here? Fortunately right now I am crying, which is very rare for me, and I think is very healthy. I suppose I can remind myself that the future is not bleak, and the only way it is bleak is if I convince myself it is, and create a self-fufilling prophecy.
I write this with a desperation. As if maybe I can be convincing enough, that my lonliness will be clear enough, and my mom will realize she made a mistake to die, and she'll come back, and my depression and anxiety will go away. Oh my god I am 30. I cant spend fifty more years like this. There is no medication that can safely take the edge off this constant pain. I can't just continually eat to numb it anymore. I can't have sex with people I don't love to quiet it anymore. I can't take up drugs or alcohol, or develop a different eating disorder to distract myself. I got to do something else.
Maybe what I need is to grieve again. I know I made an effort to appear strong, and when my dad started drinking I completely made an effort to prove I was strong, to be strong for him too.
What I also can't do is kill myself. I have to get that thought out of my head. It's just a distraction from solving the problems of my depression and anxiety. It may end my pain, but it would cause problems for people around me. I now have made a promise to a boy in Uganda that I will pay for his education, if I killed myself I would kill his dream. I would upset my friends, I would make them wish they could have done something. I would upset my family who lost their sister and mom. And my dad, he might never recover. He would likely start drinking again, he might even kill himself.
I really need to listen to what I am writing here and take it as red flags. I need to get back into the therapist who can remind me that I am a drama queen, and that things arent so dire. I mean my god, my life is pretty fucking great. It is really great, but I am able to convince myself that it's not. In fact, I may be having a sad mood right now, but I am actually pretty happy for much of the time (I am right? I can still enjoy things, right?) Uh! I think so, I... uh!
Maybe I should go to bed. It's 11:30, there is no reason why I have to be awake right now, wallowing, and digging a deeper and deeper hole of depression for myself. Thats what therapy teaches, to cut that cycle out. I hope I have done that.
I lost my temper today
It hasn't been great since cutting my Risperdal dose. It has been very sad, in fact. I was getting used to myself being a certian way, easygoing, happy, pleasant, and then I had to cut the Risperdal dose. Now I am much more irritable, and I feel like I am not myself anymore, and the person I am I don't like.
Today we were returning home from Canada, and we were sent to a gate with customs, so the rampers werent familiar with our plane. They knocked, and were supposed to wait until I opened the door, but since they were unfamiliar with our plane they just kept knocking then opened the door themselves. I looked out the door and snapped "I wasn't cleared to open the door yet!" and then when they just sort of stood there, not putting the railings down, I pulled out the pins myself and slammed the railings down. Geez! What a bitch! Those rampers probably felt stupid, they may have never encountered a CRJ before and I made a big scene about it. I feel like such a jerk.
Since being so irritable and stress prone I am no longer hungry for children, but it's not in a good way, like I am not obsessed anymore, instead it's in a sad way, I just know I can't handle kids, and I question if I can even have a relationship, so I no longer see kids as within my realm of possibility anymore. Oh how sad. And I haven't even gotten off the Risperdal all the way. I feel the person that I am melting away and being replaced with a tense bitch. I feel really unloveable, mostly because I don't like myself anymore. I am judgemental of people who scowl or snap at people, I am judgemental of alcoholics and angry people, and now look at me, I am in the shoes of those people again. (Not alcoholics, but I can see how easy it is to become one)
I was in Office Max the other day and a guy was really eager to help me. I just thought to myself that he really ought to keep his distance, because the closer he gets the uglier he will realize I am, because I am really, really crabby and unpleasant on the inside. You know thats where I chose the last name "Crabtree" for myself right? Because I am so regularly crabby.
One thing that has made a big difference? I bought a Homedics Shiatsu Massage Cushion for myself. It was $150 and worth every penny. I guess the way food or sex can bring much needed pleasant sensations, this can too, but without the negative side effects.
Time to go back to therapy
Today we were returning home from Canada, and we were sent to a gate with customs, so the rampers werent familiar with our plane. They knocked, and were supposed to wait until I opened the door, but since they were unfamiliar with our plane they just kept knocking then opened the door themselves. I looked out the door and snapped "I wasn't cleared to open the door yet!" and then when they just sort of stood there, not putting the railings down, I pulled out the pins myself and slammed the railings down. Geez! What a bitch! Those rampers probably felt stupid, they may have never encountered a CRJ before and I made a big scene about it. I feel like such a jerk.
Since being so irritable and stress prone I am no longer hungry for children, but it's not in a good way, like I am not obsessed anymore, instead it's in a sad way, I just know I can't handle kids, and I question if I can even have a relationship, so I no longer see kids as within my realm of possibility anymore. Oh how sad. And I haven't even gotten off the Risperdal all the way. I feel the person that I am melting away and being replaced with a tense bitch. I feel really unloveable, mostly because I don't like myself anymore. I am judgemental of people who scowl or snap at people, I am judgemental of alcoholics and angry people, and now look at me, I am in the shoes of those people again. (Not alcoholics, but I can see how easy it is to become one)
I was in Office Max the other day and a guy was really eager to help me. I just thought to myself that he really ought to keep his distance, because the closer he gets the uglier he will realize I am, because I am really, really crabby and unpleasant on the inside. You know thats where I chose the last name "Crabtree" for myself right? Because I am so regularly crabby.
One thing that has made a big difference? I bought a Homedics Shiatsu Massage Cushion for myself. It was $150 and worth every penny. I guess the way food or sex can bring much needed pleasant sensations, this can too, but without the negative side effects.
Time to go back to therapy
Friday, June 29, 2007
Two weeks on a half dose of Risperdal...Should I stop altogether?
I have been depressed on and off for the last few days, including suicidal ideation. It is time now for me to stop taking Risperdal altogether (after talking to my Psychiatrist first) and I feel iffy about it.
I just HATE being anxious, and the anxiety just makes me depressed right away. Who knew? I am just so sensitive to the littlest bits of stress. It's terrible.
I think that part of the problem is my thinking patterns, I feel anxious or depressed and then I "globalize" it, meaning I extend my moment of discomfort into my whole life, and I assume my whole life will feel the way I am feeling at that moment, and I get more depressed. I also have been feeling awful after being dumped, I was dumped because I flew off the handle, and that makes me feel like an undesirable partner, which makes me think I will die alone and then of course I feel depressed then (can you see these unhealthy patterns? I feel tense because the canada dry is in the back of the cart and therefore I will die alone!)
I am hoping I can stave off a permanent depression by deep breathing, working out more (and tracking my Weight Watchers points- 3 days so far!) And socializing more. I also plan to do the well respected "Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" And I am definately going back to therapy.
But I am still mad. When I get anxious like this I get so stuck in the feelings of unfairness. Maybe I wouldn't be this anxious if I had a mom. Maybe I wouldn't be this anxious if my dad wasn't drunk my whole adolecence. Why did I have to get punished with this brain chemistry when my life was already so shitty?
Maybe I will stay at a half dose of risperdal until the bottle runs out. Otherwise it will go to waste anyways. I will ask my doctor.
I am hopeful for the best. I cant say I haven't grown in the last 2 years at all, that it was just the Risperdal helping me, so I can't say I will go back to being like I was. I just hope I can get married and have a family one day. I don't want to be an outsider anymore. I want what everyone else has.
I just HATE being anxious, and the anxiety just makes me depressed right away. Who knew? I am just so sensitive to the littlest bits of stress. It's terrible.
I think that part of the problem is my thinking patterns, I feel anxious or depressed and then I "globalize" it, meaning I extend my moment of discomfort into my whole life, and I assume my whole life will feel the way I am feeling at that moment, and I get more depressed. I also have been feeling awful after being dumped, I was dumped because I flew off the handle, and that makes me feel like an undesirable partner, which makes me think I will die alone and then of course I feel depressed then (can you see these unhealthy patterns? I feel tense because the canada dry is in the back of the cart and therefore I will die alone!)
I am hoping I can stave off a permanent depression by deep breathing, working out more (and tracking my Weight Watchers points- 3 days so far!) And socializing more. I also plan to do the well respected "Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" And I am definately going back to therapy.
But I am still mad. When I get anxious like this I get so stuck in the feelings of unfairness. Maybe I wouldn't be this anxious if I had a mom. Maybe I wouldn't be this anxious if my dad wasn't drunk my whole adolecence. Why did I have to get punished with this brain chemistry when my life was already so shitty?
Maybe I will stay at a half dose of risperdal until the bottle runs out. Otherwise it will go to waste anyways. I will ask my doctor.
I am hopeful for the best. I cant say I haven't grown in the last 2 years at all, that it was just the Risperdal helping me, so I can't say I will go back to being like I was. I just hope I can get married and have a family one day. I don't want to be an outsider anymore. I want what everyone else has.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Anxiety Depression Link
This is exactly why I post my diary online. Because there are things that I discover along the way that could help someone else going through the same things.
I have learned that pressuring myself to do something doesn't work, but I am observing how much this is true.
This morning I had to leave at 8:55AM, and I couldn't get myself to get out of bed, even at 8:49, and I desperately needed a shower. I knew at that moment I was feeling depressed, and that disappoints and confuses me (I am tapering an anti anxiety medicine, not anti depressant)
So I thought about calling in sick. I knew that if I did it right away I would be calling 2 hours prior to my showtime and so would not get a miss-trip. Well then I realized, 2 hours? But I only need one hour to get to work, I didn't have to leave until 9:55!
My depression was suddenly gone, I was able to get out of bed. I was unable to get out of bed 1 minute ago when I was feeling anxious, but once the anxiety was gone, I was able to get up! So the anxiety and depression are closely linked! Maybe I need to relax myself during depressed times and the depression may lift.
"Why Zebra's dont get Ulcers" is a great book that touches on this connection.
Okay, I now have 10 minutes before I need to go- but no pressure!
I have learned that pressuring myself to do something doesn't work, but I am observing how much this is true.
This morning I had to leave at 8:55AM, and I couldn't get myself to get out of bed, even at 8:49, and I desperately needed a shower. I knew at that moment I was feeling depressed, and that disappoints and confuses me (I am tapering an anti anxiety medicine, not anti depressant)
So I thought about calling in sick. I knew that if I did it right away I would be calling 2 hours prior to my showtime and so would not get a miss-trip. Well then I realized, 2 hours? But I only need one hour to get to work, I didn't have to leave until 9:55!
My depression was suddenly gone, I was able to get out of bed. I was unable to get out of bed 1 minute ago when I was feeling anxious, but once the anxiety was gone, I was able to get up! So the anxiety and depression are closely linked! Maybe I need to relax myself during depressed times and the depression may lift.
"Why Zebra's dont get Ulcers" is a great book that touches on this connection.
Okay, I now have 10 minutes before I need to go- but no pressure!
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
The nicest breakup I ever had
Well I called him back, and we chatted kindly, he was not a pussy, he was willing to talk right away, and he said I was probably right, we should go our own ways. But he wants to be friends, of course, as is polite to say.
Looking at the situation now I feel like I behaved like a psycho. I behaved unbalanced, because my emotions were (are) unbalanced, and...
I just called him again, I told him it would help me to know that my instincts were right, that he just wants to play the field right now. He said only partly, that he would also like to settle down and have kids. I said "okay, then it's my loss, I have made mistakes before and I can see that I have made one." He said I don't have to be so formal, that we have gotten to know each other for some time now. I thanked him and asked him to initiate any friendship, since I am too chicken.
He thinks I am nuts. I broke the spell and behaved like a "psycho." The fact that he doesn't want me back is proof that he is a healthy guy and worthy of my time, now that I have pushed him away.
He's an idiot- who calls someone "Jasmine" anyway?
Okay- to look at the situation in a healthy way, I made some mistakes. I should have waited to talk to him when I was calm, instead of railing on him, saying "look, if we are looking for different things than it's just fine, we can go our own ways. I dont want to waste my time." I unleased all the anger I have about my dad, and every guy who has treated me as unimportant, on him.
I cant erase it, its done. I can learn from it and not do that again. I also CANNOT beat myself up about it! That is my old pattern. There will be no internal shouting at myself "Diana your so stupid, you screwed it up" I am only allowed to say "that is so unfortunate, please learn from this Diana and dont do it again."
And I just thought of this. I have been used so much for sex because I am hopelessly naive about it. No one taught me the birds and the bees, no one taught me how to look out for myself with boys, so I always just assumed that when someone was having sex with me regularly that they liked or cared about me at least somewhat. So I got terribly hurt because I could not see the blaringly obvious signs that I was only a plaything. So now I am stuck with the belief that anyone I am sleeping with regularly could potentially see me as a plaything, even when the signs point to no, I am not. I wish I would have explained to him that it was sweet naivete that led me to be hurt in the past, instead of making it appear like a pattern that I may behave unstable like this on a regular basis.
HMMMM, I am regretting my part in this so much right now. I think I screwed up. Learn from it Diana, Learn from it
Looking at the situation now I feel like I behaved like a psycho. I behaved unbalanced, because my emotions were (are) unbalanced, and...
I just called him again, I told him it would help me to know that my instincts were right, that he just wants to play the field right now. He said only partly, that he would also like to settle down and have kids. I said "okay, then it's my loss, I have made mistakes before and I can see that I have made one." He said I don't have to be so formal, that we have gotten to know each other for some time now. I thanked him and asked him to initiate any friendship, since I am too chicken.
He thinks I am nuts. I broke the spell and behaved like a "psycho." The fact that he doesn't want me back is proof that he is a healthy guy and worthy of my time, now that I have pushed him away.
He's an idiot- who calls someone "Jasmine" anyway?
Okay- to look at the situation in a healthy way, I made some mistakes. I should have waited to talk to him when I was calm, instead of railing on him, saying "look, if we are looking for different things than it's just fine, we can go our own ways. I dont want to waste my time." I unleased all the anger I have about my dad, and every guy who has treated me as unimportant, on him.
I cant erase it, its done. I can learn from it and not do that again. I also CANNOT beat myself up about it! That is my old pattern. There will be no internal shouting at myself "Diana your so stupid, you screwed it up" I am only allowed to say "that is so unfortunate, please learn from this Diana and dont do it again."
And I just thought of this. I have been used so much for sex because I am hopelessly naive about it. No one taught me the birds and the bees, no one taught me how to look out for myself with boys, so I always just assumed that when someone was having sex with me regularly that they liked or cared about me at least somewhat. So I got terribly hurt because I could not see the blaringly obvious signs that I was only a plaything. So now I am stuck with the belief that anyone I am sleeping with regularly could potentially see me as a plaything, even when the signs point to no, I am not. I wish I would have explained to him that it was sweet naivete that led me to be hurt in the past, instead of making it appear like a pattern that I may behave unstable like this on a regular basis.
HMMMM, I am regretting my part in this so much right now. I think I screwed up. Learn from it Diana, Learn from it
He called
I couldn't answer.
I don't know what the hell I am doing. I feel confused.
I want to talk to him again and for everything to be alright, but for what? If he became my boyfriend I think I could enjoy it but he's not the one.
UH I have such an ache in my throat. I don't know what I am doing.
Maybe I should stay with him and NOT have a relationship, thats what he wants, thats what I want. Maybe I should call him and tell him that. I just dont know.
I am so damaged sexually. I started way too young, and I pushed myself into it when I wasn't ready. Sometimes I envy the crazy women who wait for marriage and have no idea that their husband is a bad lover.
I'm not just damaged sexually I am damaged in relationships. My dad's drinking really royally fucked me up.
I don't like how I am sounding right now. I am sounding like a victim not someone empowered. I wonder if it is the anxiety from losing the Risperdal. I am feeling so damaged and difficult to manage right now. I got so rediculously jealous when imagining Saaed was dating other girls. I wouldn't be like that with the Risperdal.
I hate this feeling of not being able to trust my own feelings. I am a basketcase. I am not thinking like the calm rational woman I consider myself to be. I just feel like a wreck. It would be easier to just make Saaed go away. But if I can't deal with these emotions, how can I ever have a relationship with someone more suited for me? Oh shit...thats the anxiety talking "what if, what if...bla bla bla"
I am contemplating calling him. Errrrrr. I just dont know
I don't know what the hell I am doing. I feel confused.
I want to talk to him again and for everything to be alright, but for what? If he became my boyfriend I think I could enjoy it but he's not the one.
UH I have such an ache in my throat. I don't know what I am doing.
Maybe I should stay with him and NOT have a relationship, thats what he wants, thats what I want. Maybe I should call him and tell him that. I just dont know.
I am so damaged sexually. I started way too young, and I pushed myself into it when I wasn't ready. Sometimes I envy the crazy women who wait for marriage and have no idea that their husband is a bad lover.
I'm not just damaged sexually I am damaged in relationships. My dad's drinking really royally fucked me up.
I don't like how I am sounding right now. I am sounding like a victim not someone empowered. I wonder if it is the anxiety from losing the Risperdal. I am feeling so damaged and difficult to manage right now. I got so rediculously jealous when imagining Saaed was dating other girls. I wouldn't be like that with the Risperdal.
I hate this feeling of not being able to trust my own feelings. I am a basketcase. I am not thinking like the calm rational woman I consider myself to be. I just feel like a wreck. It would be easier to just make Saaed go away. But if I can't deal with these emotions, how can I ever have a relationship with someone more suited for me? Oh shit...thats the anxiety talking "what if, what if...bla bla bla"
I am contemplating calling him. Errrrrr. I just dont know
Monday, June 25, 2007
Summoning the Domestic Goddess
Oh god! Yesterday morning I got up at nine and cleaned the hell out of my room. I got tired around 1PM and then pretty much quit around 3:30. I thought that was fine, that I would rest for the rest of the day, and then start up again this morning on a rampage. But I'm not on a rampage. I am a lazy bum.
This is my problem, the house is moderately neat, and I am ready to quit. If I quit cleaning when the house is moderately neat, it will never be CLEAN. I want my house to be CLEAN. I want it to look like this again. And I want to give keeping it that way a try. I am so tired of having a messy house. I am so tired of not being able to find things. I am so tired of going on vacation, or on a trip for work, and being sad to be home. My apartment is very nice, it's the way I keep it that is depressing.
Okay, this post is inspiring me. And according to the picture, I have been on Risperdal for 2 years, not one. All the more reason to go off it now, I am used to being calmer, so it should be an easier transition to go off of it. Besides being crabbier and hornier I have barely noticed the reduced risperdal, and that was during withdrawl symptoms. I feel optimistic.
Okay, lets give this cleaning thing a try.
This is my problem, the house is moderately neat, and I am ready to quit. If I quit cleaning when the house is moderately neat, it will never be CLEAN. I want my house to be CLEAN. I want it to look like this again. And I want to give keeping it that way a try. I am so tired of having a messy house. I am so tired of not being able to find things. I am so tired of going on vacation, or on a trip for work, and being sad to be home. My apartment is very nice, it's the way I keep it that is depressing.
Okay, this post is inspiring me. And according to the picture, I have been on Risperdal for 2 years, not one. All the more reason to go off it now, I am used to being calmer, so it should be an easier transition to go off of it. Besides being crabbier and hornier I have barely noticed the reduced risperdal, and that was during withdrawl symptoms. I feel optimistic.
Okay, lets give this cleaning thing a try.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Risperdal tapering, problem #1
12:58AM Atlantic time
This is my first time in the atlantic time zone, very exciting if the day wasn’t so shitty
Now I am tasting the feeling of reduced risperdal when a stressor is involved. My airline has instituted a new carryon policy (the old one was bad enough) saying a person can bring one carryon onboard, and a purse counts as this carryon. There was a scary man who was yelling and in a rage, I didn't deny him boarding because I didn't think he would actually hurt me, but that didn't stop me from being afraid of him, and I was really upset for the whole flight, and had to hold back tears. I felt like I used to feel before I started Risperdal, really overwhelmed.
I have to learn how not to carry stress from past events (the scary man) or the future (future scary men) into the present. There are no scary men right now, so I shouldn’t be worried about them until it happens. I have had the habit of being anxious about events that could happen in the future. This is a lesson I learned on risperdal, and one I should carry with me as I go off of it.
UPDATE:
Some good news is according to what I have read, there are withdrawl symptoms from going off risperdal, so maybe the level of anxiety I am experiencing is not what I will face in the future. I have rebounded from the anxiety I experienced yesterday (I write this at 1PM the next day) so maybe I have un-learned some anxiety-disorder behaviors.
Wish me luck!
This is my first time in the atlantic time zone, very exciting if the day wasn’t so shitty
Now I am tasting the feeling of reduced risperdal when a stressor is involved. My airline has instituted a new carryon policy (the old one was bad enough) saying a person can bring one carryon onboard, and a purse counts as this carryon. There was a scary man who was yelling and in a rage, I didn't deny him boarding because I didn't think he would actually hurt me, but that didn't stop me from being afraid of him, and I was really upset for the whole flight, and had to hold back tears. I felt like I used to feel before I started Risperdal, really overwhelmed.
I have to learn how not to carry stress from past events (the scary man) or the future (future scary men) into the present. There are no scary men right now, so I shouldn’t be worried about them until it happens. I have had the habit of being anxious about events that could happen in the future. This is a lesson I learned on risperdal, and one I should carry with me as I go off of it.
UPDATE:
Some good news is according to what I have read, there are withdrawl symptoms from going off risperdal, so maybe the level of anxiety I am experiencing is not what I will face in the future. I have rebounded from the anxiety I experienced yesterday (I write this at 1PM the next day) so maybe I have un-learned some anxiety-disorder behaviors.
Wish me luck!
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