This is the second, or third night that I am up worrying, regarding Wheelchair Dude. The first and second time I was worried he might like me. I wrote him an honest e-mail telling him I wasn't physically attracted to him, and his response said he was just fine with it, but he is coming on very strong, saying we'll be friends forever and being way "too much."
I really want to be his friend. He is a person who was born with a degenerative disease, likely will not live another decade, and chose to leave his comfortable home where he was taken care of by his parents and start a business. I, for one, am pretty impressed and pretty inspired by that. But I am afraid that he will be hurt. And I suppose it's disrespectful to think of him as vulnerable when he is an adult just like me, but on the other hand there is no question that a person who was disabled since a young child is going to have a different experience than me, so I just fear that---
You know what, it's not him I'm worried about, it's me...I am getting red flags, left and right about him. If he weren't handicapped I would run for the hills from him. Not out of fear of physical harm, but of his terrible boundaries. I am having anxiety about him because his boundaries are terrible, and he wants to suck me into his life and fill the hole of loneliness with me. It's clear as day.
So what is the best move? Run for the hills or tell him "Dude! When you are all clingy and shit, people don't like that" I already did that a little. He wrote me something about how "we owe it to ourselves to lay it all on the table" and I said "uh...thats not healthy, I learned that in therapy and, you should like, go there" (paraphrasing)
I think that's what I'll do. I will spell out my boundaries and if he crosses them I'll say "I don't want to be your friend because of this, this, and this. I imagine most people don't like that, so you shouldn't do that, that has nothing to do with your wheelchair."
And may I say one thing about this dude. He wants a "normal" woman to be attracted to him. I guess we all want that, but he wrote on a craigslist ad that women are shallow. Well he doesn't have disabled friends, nor does he date disabled people, so give me a break. Who's shallow?
Uh, I feel so much better having written this. Some people just have a vibe that puts me at ease, this guy has a vibe that makes me tense. Thats the energy sucker vibe. The bad boundaries vibe. My instincts are very good. They only fail me when I try to overrule them with my mind. I don't think this is going to end well. Well, maybe it will, but it wont if I don't assert my boundaries strongly.
Showing posts with label Therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Therapy. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Sunday, July 15, 2007
The Rght Direction
I think that my realization that I was dwelling on my crabbiness and misery and making it worse has done me some good. I still have done my share of laying in bed with my computer on my lap, but eventually I was up and cleaning my house. I cleaned the bathroom, kitchen and living room, and now I am finally tackling my bedroom.
My therapist told me that you can't unlearn what you have learned. It makes sense. I may have flirted with the idea that I am unloveable and a failure, but now that I am aware that that is untrue, I wasn't able to hold onto it for long. I eventually had to admit to myself that I am not a loser, but in fact very smart and tenatious, and that I will cope with the increased anxiety, I will be imperfect, but it is time that I learned that that is inevitable.
Wish me luck that I finish cleaning my room. My instincts say I will :)
My therapist told me that you can't unlearn what you have learned. It makes sense. I may have flirted with the idea that I am unloveable and a failure, but now that I am aware that that is untrue, I wasn't able to hold onto it for long. I eventually had to admit to myself that I am not a loser, but in fact very smart and tenatious, and that I will cope with the increased anxiety, I will be imperfect, but it is time that I learned that that is inevitable.
Wish me luck that I finish cleaning my room. My instincts say I will :)
Friday, March 16, 2007
Lonely night watching YouTube
Oh well, I can't seem to embed the YouTube videos.
Basically tonight I felt really down when I got home. Tonight my sister Linda was crying at her house and it made me want to cry, so I thought tonight when I was feeling down that maybe if I could find a video of someone crying it would set me off and I could feel some release.
I found a video of Dane Cook talking about needing a cry, I wanted to post it. It is funny and it is exactly what was hoping to experience. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLDoJvAdrBM
I did get a cry out, on a video called "Tears of Iraq" where a little child sings "Oh Allah, the streets are stained with blood and death" with video of the Iraqi and American victims of the war in Iraq. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asu-WrzrdN8 But those tears were fleeting, because it is impossible for me to cry about feeling lonely when I am thinking about people with real problems.
Then I saw a video called "Saving Grace" that reminded me of myself, in the end, where the hot girl holds up a sign that says "I need 1,000,000 hits to stop me. Save me" It amazes me that this is universal enough that it makes it on a video. I look at my statcounter dozens of times a day, seeing a new hit gives me a little mental reward, that someone out there is aware of my existance. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WCzS5S0kA4
But I couldn't find a good video of someone crying, so I didn't get that long, good feeling cry I was hoping for. I got really depressed for a short period there, but I think thanks to therapy, I could see I was pulling myself down there, and so I brought myself back to reality.
But I did figure out why I am sad. I am very lonely. My roommate left, and she is the closest friend I have made in a long time. Also, for the first time in about a year, I am truly alone. I have no-one to love. Charles may still love me, and I still love him, but the relationship is gone. Alan hurt me pretty bad, and now Ashram is calling me mean, which is unfair, but still hurts.
So now its just little old me, forced to confront myself, with all of my baggage. I know now that I can't live alone. I need my own room, but alone just doesn't work. I need enough distraction to keep me in the present, and not bogged down by the emptiness of being without my mom, and the memories of living in squalor with my dad. Sure I should continue therapy so these things don't bog me down so much, but being distracted helps.
It's going to be a-okay Diana, you'll feel better soon
Basically tonight I felt really down when I got home. Tonight my sister Linda was crying at her house and it made me want to cry, so I thought tonight when I was feeling down that maybe if I could find a video of someone crying it would set me off and I could feel some release.
I found a video of Dane Cook talking about needing a cry, I wanted to post it. It is funny and it is exactly what was hoping to experience. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLDoJvAdrBM
I did get a cry out, on a video called "Tears of Iraq" where a little child sings "Oh Allah, the streets are stained with blood and death" with video of the Iraqi and American victims of the war in Iraq. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asu-WrzrdN8 But those tears were fleeting, because it is impossible for me to cry about feeling lonely when I am thinking about people with real problems.
Then I saw a video called "Saving Grace" that reminded me of myself, in the end, where the hot girl holds up a sign that says "I need 1,000,000 hits to stop me. Save me" It amazes me that this is universal enough that it makes it on a video. I look at my statcounter dozens of times a day, seeing a new hit gives me a little mental reward, that someone out there is aware of my existance. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WCzS5S0kA4
But I couldn't find a good video of someone crying, so I didn't get that long, good feeling cry I was hoping for. I got really depressed for a short period there, but I think thanks to therapy, I could see I was pulling myself down there, and so I brought myself back to reality.
But I did figure out why I am sad. I am very lonely. My roommate left, and she is the closest friend I have made in a long time. Also, for the first time in about a year, I am truly alone. I have no-one to love. Charles may still love me, and I still love him, but the relationship is gone. Alan hurt me pretty bad, and now Ashram is calling me mean, which is unfair, but still hurts.
So now its just little old me, forced to confront myself, with all of my baggage. I know now that I can't live alone. I need my own room, but alone just doesn't work. I need enough distraction to keep me in the present, and not bogged down by the emptiness of being without my mom, and the memories of living in squalor with my dad. Sure I should continue therapy so these things don't bog me down so much, but being distracted helps.
It's going to be a-okay Diana, you'll feel better soon
Friday, March 04, 2005
Only a virus
I went to the doctor- get this it's only a freaking cold! Well yesterday I had a fever so cold THIS! I think I am the only person in the world who wishes that they could be sicker, but when I am knocked on my ass, I at least want to hear I have Tuberculosis or something so I am not some fucking woos! Poor baby, she has a cold.
In all honesty, times like these are when having a mental illness really affect my life. If someone were to say "poor baby, you have a cold" they would be under the assumption that without a cold I am well. The truth is, my life has a constant baseline of not feeling well, its like having a cold ALL THE TIME. I have good days, but most days I have to lift myself out of bed and propell myself forward, thinking the whole time "just keep going, keep going" Adding a cold to this is just too much. Actually I think I am being dramatic. I wasn't able to get going thursday so I checked my temperature and saw that indeed I am sick, otherwise I would have gone to work, I may have returned home, but I would have still gone. I am going back sunday, crappy-feeling or not.
I am realizing something. As much as I wish to will myself out of these health issues my damn body isnt allowing it. I pushed myself too far this month, I was too social and I didn't allow myself enough days off. What frustrates me is I had such a wonderful day the other day. I felt so average. And when I am average, it makes me above average, because I have all of the wisdom and gratitude that I have earned from my years of pain. It was such a good day (couple of days) I saw my family, went shopping, dyed my hair, the day after I got back I went to work, had breakfast with an awesome F/A, went to lunch with my mentor and her fabulous friends, went to class and went to work at the end of the day. It was an awesome day, problem is, when I fill my days so full like this I feel pressure to maintain momentum, and I shut down. It is such a fantasy to me to be that energetic all the time (or howabout 1/4th of the time!) I could get so much done! AHHHHH I cant wait to start therapy!
Heres a great thing. I used to be so ambitious. I know its in me. I have a drive that I can get/do whtever I want (well, within my body's permission!) When I remember that drive, I am excited, because I feel that drive in context of my health, and I think I am going to get alot accomplished. My dream used to be to be a campaign manager, or a published physical therapist....now its to be healthy! My life is already so fucking awesome, if I was healthy I could enjoy it, that would be so great, its really something to look forward to.
The fact that I am able to sit upright and type is a good sign. It just goes to show the power of the placebo. I saw that I had a fever, and I couldn't move. I will say one thing to prove I am DEFINATELY SICK! (in the body or head...that is the question!) This morning the nurse told me that she had a 10:00 appointment available AWESOME! I said to myself "I am going to be extra early, I am going to show up at 10:30" I looked at the bus schedule and everything. I didnt realize this faux-pas until I was walking to the bus stop! Now I am an air-head, but not that bad! So good thing I was not on a plane right now. A terrorist could come up to me and say "Let me in the flight deck door" and I would have called the captian and been like "A terrorist wants to get into the flight deck, thats not allowed, right?" I am kidding OF COURSE! But I can see myself making a stupid mistake and causing a delay, or making the company look bad (look worse.) If I am in a state like that, I am not going to be on top of things enough in an emergency. Besides, people just hate it when you sneeze in their diet sierra mist.
Come to think of it...having a cold is going to serve me pretty fucking well! I can get things done, but have an excuse to rest. I can see my girlfriends (& go shopping for a wedding dress YAY) but still go back to work, and I have a cute little doctors note to show that I am sick, but I came back anyway... what a MODEL employee!
In all honesty, times like these are when having a mental illness really affect my life. If someone were to say "poor baby, you have a cold" they would be under the assumption that without a cold I am well. The truth is, my life has a constant baseline of not feeling well, its like having a cold ALL THE TIME. I have good days, but most days I have to lift myself out of bed and propell myself forward, thinking the whole time "just keep going, keep going" Adding a cold to this is just too much. Actually I think I am being dramatic. I wasn't able to get going thursday so I checked my temperature and saw that indeed I am sick, otherwise I would have gone to work, I may have returned home, but I would have still gone. I am going back sunday, crappy-feeling or not.
I am realizing something. As much as I wish to will myself out of these health issues my damn body isnt allowing it. I pushed myself too far this month, I was too social and I didn't allow myself enough days off. What frustrates me is I had such a wonderful day the other day. I felt so average. And when I am average, it makes me above average, because I have all of the wisdom and gratitude that I have earned from my years of pain. It was such a good day (couple of days) I saw my family, went shopping, dyed my hair, the day after I got back I went to work, had breakfast with an awesome F/A, went to lunch with my mentor and her fabulous friends, went to class and went to work at the end of the day. It was an awesome day, problem is, when I fill my days so full like this I feel pressure to maintain momentum, and I shut down. It is such a fantasy to me to be that energetic all the time (or howabout 1/4th of the time!) I could get so much done! AHHHHH I cant wait to start therapy!
Heres a great thing. I used to be so ambitious. I know its in me. I have a drive that I can get/do whtever I want (well, within my body's permission!) When I remember that drive, I am excited, because I feel that drive in context of my health, and I think I am going to get alot accomplished. My dream used to be to be a campaign manager, or a published physical therapist....now its to be healthy! My life is already so fucking awesome, if I was healthy I could enjoy it, that would be so great, its really something to look forward to.
The fact that I am able to sit upright and type is a good sign. It just goes to show the power of the placebo. I saw that I had a fever, and I couldn't move. I will say one thing to prove I am DEFINATELY SICK! (in the body or head...that is the question!) This morning the nurse told me that she had a 10:00 appointment available AWESOME! I said to myself "I am going to be extra early, I am going to show up at 10:30" I looked at the bus schedule and everything. I didnt realize this faux-pas until I was walking to the bus stop! Now I am an air-head, but not that bad! So good thing I was not on a plane right now. A terrorist could come up to me and say "Let me in the flight deck door" and I would have called the captian and been like "A terrorist wants to get into the flight deck, thats not allowed, right?" I am kidding OF COURSE! But I can see myself making a stupid mistake and causing a delay, or making the company look bad (look worse.) If I am in a state like that, I am not going to be on top of things enough in an emergency. Besides, people just hate it when you sneeze in their diet sierra mist.
Come to think of it...having a cold is going to serve me pretty fucking well! I can get things done, but have an excuse to rest. I can see my girlfriends (& go shopping for a wedding dress YAY) but still go back to work, and I have a cute little doctors note to show that I am sick, but I came back anyway... what a MODEL employee!
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Baseline
AAAAAAAHHHHHHH
I am sitting at home AGAIN
With plenty to get done AGAIN
I am not feeling totally paralyzed, but I just had a cup of coffee.
How did I get on here in the first place? Snooping around, trying to see if I could find an ex pre-boyfriend's blog. Hoping to find something in there like "I really regret not listening to her, I should have respected her space, I am respecting her space now, and my life has been touched by her, and I will never treat another person like that again" I didn't find anything like that. Hmmm. I did however find the picture of his old/current flame that he basically BEGGED me to look for.
I miss the idea of him. Someone who sees all of my best qualities and is aware of my negative qualites but accepts the whole package. I also enjoyed the idea of his high sex drive, however I didn't know a high sex drive meant leg-humping and being completely ignored when I say "I am not turned on any more, please finish."
I will say this much, having him around DID improve my mood a bit. It taught me to look forward to life because what are some of the funnest things in life? Love and Sex. I suppose I forgot. I stopped being picky enough. I also LOVED dying my hair. FUCK YOU all of you men who love red-heads, go find someone else, I am brunette!
I have a trip tomorrow. Today is my official "anxiety day" and I haven't even acknowledged that I have to start getting ready. My room is LITERALLY a mountian of clothes. I really have improved quite a bit, but I keep slipping. I know I can get control of my room but 5 day trips, 2 classes a week, and me being even a tiny bit of a good friend leaves so little left over. I can't wait to start therapy. My therapist could write a book about me. I have so much work to do on myself, but I am excited because I know alot of what is wrong. I can fix those things that i know about, and while I am sure new things will emerge, I can at least see some structure going on in there.
I can't help but feel great when I compare myself now to how I was 10 years ago. It was as if I was floating. Therapy seems sort of silly while you are doing it. Well, not silly, just too simple. You have the pleasure of talking about things of importance to you and having a kind ear listen, but all the while you are re-framing the way you think! Fixing what is mis-arranged. I have been helped by therapy so much in the past, and at that point I was such a stressed out kid I have no clue how anything got through, today I am so (relatively) with it, and tough. I just can't wait. And I can say this much...all of these men this year have not been completely a waste. I have learned ALOT and I know that I need to keep looking, and at the same time, only keep those who treat me well enough. Sorry Batman.
I must stop myself before my roommate comes home. If I were her I would move to Timbuktu also. I am such a messy, messy girl.
I am sitting at home AGAIN
With plenty to get done AGAIN
I am not feeling totally paralyzed, but I just had a cup of coffee.
How did I get on here in the first place? Snooping around, trying to see if I could find an ex pre-boyfriend's blog. Hoping to find something in there like "I really regret not listening to her, I should have respected her space, I am respecting her space now, and my life has been touched by her, and I will never treat another person like that again" I didn't find anything like that. Hmmm. I did however find the picture of his old/current flame that he basically BEGGED me to look for.
I miss the idea of him. Someone who sees all of my best qualities and is aware of my negative qualites but accepts the whole package. I also enjoyed the idea of his high sex drive, however I didn't know a high sex drive meant leg-humping and being completely ignored when I say "I am not turned on any more, please finish."
I will say this much, having him around DID improve my mood a bit. It taught me to look forward to life because what are some of the funnest things in life? Love and Sex. I suppose I forgot. I stopped being picky enough. I also LOVED dying my hair. FUCK YOU all of you men who love red-heads, go find someone else, I am brunette!
I have a trip tomorrow. Today is my official "anxiety day" and I haven't even acknowledged that I have to start getting ready. My room is LITERALLY a mountian of clothes. I really have improved quite a bit, but I keep slipping. I know I can get control of my room but 5 day trips, 2 classes a week, and me being even a tiny bit of a good friend leaves so little left over. I can't wait to start therapy. My therapist could write a book about me. I have so much work to do on myself, but I am excited because I know alot of what is wrong. I can fix those things that i know about, and while I am sure new things will emerge, I can at least see some structure going on in there.
I can't help but feel great when I compare myself now to how I was 10 years ago. It was as if I was floating. Therapy seems sort of silly while you are doing it. Well, not silly, just too simple. You have the pleasure of talking about things of importance to you and having a kind ear listen, but all the while you are re-framing the way you think! Fixing what is mis-arranged. I have been helped by therapy so much in the past, and at that point I was such a stressed out kid I have no clue how anything got through, today I am so (relatively) with it, and tough. I just can't wait. And I can say this much...all of these men this year have not been completely a waste. I have learned ALOT and I know that I need to keep looking, and at the same time, only keep those who treat me well enough. Sorry Batman.
I must stop myself before my roommate comes home. If I were her I would move to Timbuktu also. I am such a messy, messy girl.
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