Ok, so my heart has been broken, so I don't want a boyfriend, and my new goal in life is to only have sex if it is with a boyfriend, or soon to be boyfriend. So what is a hor-nay girl to do?
I am proud of myself from this weekend. There is a musician in Toronto who I have the hots over the internet for, and he has the hots over the internet for me. But, like every musician, he appears to be quite slutty, or at least he seems to think the world revolves around him. He has been quite rude over IM, hanging up abruptly, making me think he is responding to something I wrote, and he has my phone number, has never called, and hasn't given me his (not that I asked for it either)
Well we were supposed to meet on one of my overnights this weekend, and I didn't feel confident that he wasn't thinking something would happen. So I intentionally did not shave my legs (which I have done before to try to stop something from happening) I told him online about it in the afternoon, and his response was "ewww! Gross!" and I am not sure why it pissed me off. I too, think it's gross (sorry hippies ;) ) I think it looks very manly, but that was the point, It could keep sex from happening. I guess it made me mad because a guy who cares about you would be cautious about how you would feel. They might say "eww" but it shouldn't matter because when you sit and have a conversation with me, my pants are on. Also, I have hairly legs, its because I am lazy/have not had/will not have sex for awhile. I am not a freak because of it. The hair grows there. He's probably the kind of guy who would be grossed out by pubic hair. Stoopit. (oh, and side note- the not shaving trick rarely works. They usually want me anyway)
So I was really proud of myself. I was still willing to see him, but I took the phone off the hook at midnight. I know these types of guys. He would finally call at 2AM. I remember staying up late for Detroit guy, just to have him act like a ghetto asshole when I was starving to death and dead tired waiting for him so I could give HIM a present. Ideeot. I also took the windows IM program all the way off my computer. I have no desire to speak to him anymore. If he comes to my city on tour, great, if not, who cares. The only thing I got from our friendship was inspiration to make music (and to ask Mike for more attention) besides that, the only thing Toronto musician dude has to offer me is annoyance.
So good for me. I am hornay as a MF, but turned down some cheap and easy sex, (I was on my period which helped, I doubt he would be respectful about it) I have two other potential victims in my sights. One is Sadiq, He is back in my life, sortof, but he was bad in bed. He came in like 30 seconds, which was fine the first time, but the second time it just seemed selfish. He also woke me up in the middle of the night for sex when I asked him specifically to wait for 5AM. That was so selfish and rude. I am still pissed about that. Victim #2 I dont think I could resist if he came on to me. We went on a date from an online dating service back in the day, and we hung out the other day and he was cool. We are going to see Eddie Izzard next month, and we will be in close quarters because we are both going in female drag, and I am doing his makeup, which means being close up, and lots of touching. I just think I am too weak to turn down some safe dick right now. I am having dreams about it for some reason.
Poor me. My life is really difficult.
(wow! It has been 4 months since I have had sex! Good girl!)
Showing posts with label Sadiq. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sadiq. Show all posts
Friday, May 02, 2008
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Day 3 & 4 of reduced Risperdal
Besides having a hard time functioning before coffee this morning I have been fine today, even cheery, but last night was a different story.
Instead of calling the new guy Saddiq I am going to call him Saaed. I went straight to Saaed's from work, planning to spend the night, fuck his brains out, and head back to work in the morning. As we walked to his place he said "you should have been there Saturday" (he went to a club) I said what happened? And he didn't have much to say. All of a sudden Ice Queen took over me. I was smiling on the outside, but in the inside I was thinking "that fucker! I am having sex with him and he is picking up chicks"
I took a shower while he made dinner and I was fuming in there! But why? He's not my boyfriend and who's to say I wouldn't date another person if I was asked out. What I felt like was a fool. I felt like he is using me for sex, he is a sweet talker and smoothie and I am just a notch in his bedpost. I decided to go home. I REALLY didn't want to have sex, not feeling cheap and stupid like this.
I got out of the shower and told him my plan. I said I will go home after dinner because I want to sleep tonight "get it? SLEEP" I said. He said I should stay, and I could sleep. I thought "good- I got out of having sex." He was embracing me and kissing me and I was just stiff, I didn't want him touching me. I said "I'm going to lay down on the couch, wake me up when the foods ready"
I laid down but didnt fall asleep. I realized that the way I was thinking is the definition of "a psycho" what people call their exes. No, I was not behaving psychotic but I think the word means, when discussing dating, people who act irrational. I realized if a guy were to be the same way (if he told me about it- I didn't tell Saaed what was going on inside my head) that I would find it unacceptable. So I chilled out and enjoyed the evening.
Before bed I told him "No groping before 5AM" (when I spent the night last week he started initiating things in the middle of the night) Well when the sun was not out yet I woke up and just wrapped my arms around him affectionatly. Next thing I know he is wrapped around me, on top of me, taking of my underwear. I asked "what time is it?" he said "time to have some fun" I said "no fun before 5" and he said "I think it's 5." I let him have sex with me, though I didn't participate much. Afterwards I checked the clock, it was 4:30. I called him on it and he said "It's almost 5" what a fucker.
In the end, my extreme jealousy (likely increased by losing the Risperdal) is really stupid. Lets face it, he's not a boyfriend he's a lover. We don't have flowing conversations, they are mostly about how beautiful I am or how our day was. (favorite subjects of mine.) I am sure I will lose interest in him once the novelty of having sex with such a great looking guy wears off.
In the end, I want to love Charles again. I really do. I saw him the other day and videotaped him, and watching the videotape makes me smile. He is back in Kenya for 2 months now, his mom is sick, I hope she doesn't die. He is pretty rude, he keeps trying to get me to kiss him, I need to be more forceful about stopping him, instead of laughing it off as a joke. Let's be real here, I am stringing him along. My words say "we are over- time to move on" but my body language (and heart) says "wait for me to get these other guys out of my system- then we can get married." Thing is, as long as he is bugging me for kisses, I don't want him, I can't imagine wanting him back until he backs off and gives me my personal space. I think it's me that needs to move on.
Wish me luck as the withdrawl continues!
Instead of calling the new guy Saddiq I am going to call him Saaed. I went straight to Saaed's from work, planning to spend the night, fuck his brains out, and head back to work in the morning. As we walked to his place he said "you should have been there Saturday" (he went to a club) I said what happened? And he didn't have much to say. All of a sudden Ice Queen took over me. I was smiling on the outside, but in the inside I was thinking "that fucker! I am having sex with him and he is picking up chicks"
I took a shower while he made dinner and I was fuming in there! But why? He's not my boyfriend and who's to say I wouldn't date another person if I was asked out. What I felt like was a fool. I felt like he is using me for sex, he is a sweet talker and smoothie and I am just a notch in his bedpost. I decided to go home. I REALLY didn't want to have sex, not feeling cheap and stupid like this.
I got out of the shower and told him my plan. I said I will go home after dinner because I want to sleep tonight "get it? SLEEP" I said. He said I should stay, and I could sleep. I thought "good- I got out of having sex." He was embracing me and kissing me and I was just stiff, I didn't want him touching me. I said "I'm going to lay down on the couch, wake me up when the foods ready"
I laid down but didnt fall asleep. I realized that the way I was thinking is the definition of "a psycho" what people call their exes. No, I was not behaving psychotic but I think the word means, when discussing dating, people who act irrational. I realized if a guy were to be the same way (if he told me about it- I didn't tell Saaed what was going on inside my head) that I would find it unacceptable. So I chilled out and enjoyed the evening.
Before bed I told him "No groping before 5AM" (when I spent the night last week he started initiating things in the middle of the night) Well when the sun was not out yet I woke up and just wrapped my arms around him affectionatly. Next thing I know he is wrapped around me, on top of me, taking of my underwear. I asked "what time is it?" he said "time to have some fun" I said "no fun before 5" and he said "I think it's 5." I let him have sex with me, though I didn't participate much. Afterwards I checked the clock, it was 4:30. I called him on it and he said "It's almost 5" what a fucker.
In the end, my extreme jealousy (likely increased by losing the Risperdal) is really stupid. Lets face it, he's not a boyfriend he's a lover. We don't have flowing conversations, they are mostly about how beautiful I am or how our day was. (favorite subjects of mine.) I am sure I will lose interest in him once the novelty of having sex with such a great looking guy wears off.
In the end, I want to love Charles again. I really do. I saw him the other day and videotaped him, and watching the videotape makes me smile. He is back in Kenya for 2 months now, his mom is sick, I hope she doesn't die. He is pretty rude, he keeps trying to get me to kiss him, I need to be more forceful about stopping him, instead of laughing it off as a joke. Let's be real here, I am stringing him along. My words say "we are over- time to move on" but my body language (and heart) says "wait for me to get these other guys out of my system- then we can get married." Thing is, as long as he is bugging me for kisses, I don't want him, I can't imagine wanting him back until he backs off and gives me my personal space. I think it's me that needs to move on.
Wish me luck as the withdrawl continues!
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Lonely
I just went on a date with the man I will call Sadiq. He's so cute, so affectionate, so nice, but I am finding it hard to connect with him. He invited me up to his apartment today, but I will see him tomorrow (and I'm tired) so I decided not to go. The moment was uncomfortable, so I decided to call him and talk to him as I drove home.
It is too difficult to get him to say much. The things I can finally draw out of him arent very detailed anyway.
I am tired as fuck. I am going to bed now instead of moping.
I keep thinking about Charles, I feel as if I already married him, but I forget, he left me looking like an absolute fool for 5 months. I am holding on to something that wasn't the real thing. He claims he made a mistake and can learn from it but some mistakes you cant make if your really invested in a relationship.
I swear I wont die alone. I will find someone. Sadiq is proof. He is showing me that I can get near perfection. If I can get near perfection like him, then I am doing okay. God he is good looking.
It is too difficult to get him to say much. The things I can finally draw out of him arent very detailed anyway.
I am tired as fuck. I am going to bed now instead of moping.
I keep thinking about Charles, I feel as if I already married him, but I forget, he left me looking like an absolute fool for 5 months. I am holding on to something that wasn't the real thing. He claims he made a mistake and can learn from it but some mistakes you cant make if your really invested in a relationship.
I swear I wont die alone. I will find someone. Sadiq is proof. He is showing me that I can get near perfection. If I can get near perfection like him, then I am doing okay. God he is good looking.
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