How to be happy

My right blinker wasn't working for quite some time, and last night I FINALLY replaced it, I felt so happy!

Now I am sorting my laundry (nearly all the clothes I own is dirty- hee hee) and I feel a little better the less messy my room is. So why am I laying in bed typing this post instead of continuing?

I think the key to making myself happy has got to be to accomplish things. When my room is completely clean it makes me so happy. I just have the issue that when I push myself too hard my system shuts down, like an overstimulated baby, so just saying "get it done" doesn't work for me.

Hmmmm, what did work was paying myself for my work. I gave myself a wage and bought clothes. The clean house made me happy, and the clothes made me happy. Maybe I will do that again, although I don't have any money to spare if I am going to Uganda/possibly going to mainline.

I have some bad habits that are really holding me back. I would like to stop that.

Personal Ads really do a number on my ego

I am not really photogenic, so taking pictures for a personal ad and not getting any responses (well I have been hotlisted, but by someone in New Mexico whos headline reads they are a "sex magician")

If I was thinner I would be more photogenic, I look alot like Julia Stiles, and she is "interesting" looking, but since she is thin her "interesting" looks pretty.

I just took a new pic, I don't love it 100% but it shows my long hair and my old pic didn't. I hope It changes the attention I get

Woah is me

...And the BIIIIIIIIIIIIG news is...

I applied at Mainline!

You heard me! I am going to apply and interview, I am not certian I will work there, but I have decided to go this far, and make my decision after I am (hopefully) offered the job.

If I had my druthers I would stay where I am and just get paid more. Mainline F/A's are SO CRABBY and I will have to work with them, when I would rather work alone. I will have to put up with cliqueiness, but I think I am ready to handle that.

There were two deciding factors, the big one is they are hiring like 1000 people, so the sooner I get in the more senority I will have, and I can be based where I live (I would never have the courage to take a pay cut & have to switch bases.)

The second deciding factor is I am SOFA KING tired of being SOFA KING poor! I can't afford a condo, I can't afford to have kids, and if I stay where I am I am going to end up 50 in the same financial place. I can survive being poor now, but I want something to show for my life's work when I get older.

Will I get the job? Well Lorraine got hired there! BWAH HA HA HA HA

Undisgusting sex

I just wanted to draw your attention to a website www.nerve.com it is a sex website that is really smart, and makes sex look awesome, not disgusting.

Speaking of disgusting, get this. I was talking to a former flight attendant, and she was grilling me for the gossip. I said "oh! I kissed my first pilot" and she asked who. When I told her his name, she said "oh, I kissed him too, he kisses tons of flight attendants." UHHHHH! I feel so dirty. Here I was, thinking that he was this sort of dorky guy "with no game," worthy of my attention, and here he was, all along, this donky guy, with "I don't have game-game" unworthy of my attention! I don't want sluts! I'm the slut! I reward the non-slutty guys for being not sluts. Come on!

I was SOOO turned on after that encounter that I was contemplating putting a note in that pilot's v-file. I was going to put my number, and write "if you don't know who this is, don't call" I was thinking I would write that because he would know who it was. But apparently that would not be the case! And he was saying "I am a relationship guy, so I haven't had any action for like a year" what a prick!

I feel so stupid, but I am glad that I refused to have sex with him!

I'm really tired! I don't want to do this!

I am so tired. I was up 21 hours yesterday and then woke up this morning at 8 to do a 10K (which ended up being a 5K, because we took a wrong turn)

I am so tired I can't think, and figuring out how to non-rev to Uganda is hard as hell! I have never done it, and there are so many legs of the trip! Jennifer needs to know when I will be there tomorrow, and I have no way of telling her that answer! For all I know I will be in the Amsterdam airport for a week!

I really need to take a nap, this is too hard for me

Just an ordinary week

This week I...

Spent the night in a condo in Ashville, hiked, and ate meatballs with the parents of my captian.

Took a manila folder out of the garbage discarded by a famous poet, now own a rough draft of a poem, probably written by him, maybe never published, as well as other writings (I will never sell it)

Met a SECOND Buddhist monk.

Contemplated seriously getting back with Charles. Still contemplating it.

Made a BIG DECISION (will fill you in once it's complete)

Visited with an aunt and cousin.

Woke up at 3:20AM my time

Observed myself chatting comfortably in the homes of 2 upper middle class families.

Registered for a 10K walk/run

Cant remember what else, I have been awake 21 hours

bye :)

I have BIIIIIIIIIIIG news!!!!!!!...

...but I'm not telling you what it is until it's for sure

Oh my Buddha!

Today was weird (but cool!)

I ended up at work early becuase I had given myself a lot of extra time to get there, and managed to avoid the worst traffic by taking small highways. I turned in some paperwork and did my first turn for the day.

When I got to the elevator to my crew lounge there was a Buddhist monk sitting on one of the seats. I went up to him and asked him if I could buy him lunch. I don't know if this was weird of me to offer, I read that in Asian buddhism people do nice things for the monks to improve their Karma, so I hope it wasn't too weird to him. He didn't understand me right away (I think he was Tibetan) but he said "I already ate" I said "okay" and left. That might have been weird, but I just didn't want to bug him I guess.

I went downstairs to pickup the rollerbag the company buys for F/As of one year senority, and brought it up the elevator. As if all the Buddhas and Bottisatvas told him I was coming up at that moment, when the door opened the monk was looking in my direction with a gentle smile on his face. Oh my god I wanted to talk to him so bad! He was sitting there so peacefully, I just wanted to be in his presence. I smiled and waved at him and he nodded and smiled. I kept going towards the exit, but wished he had accepted lunch, or that I had offered him ice cream or something. But I didn't want to bug him, so I went back to my car, but in the glowy-est mood just having been around him. The presence he gave off is the presence I want to have, and I just felt calm and happy :)

On my flight to Tennesee a sort of loud blonde flight attendant sat in the front seat. We chatted a little, she was telling me of how she was planning to cheat on her husband. It was what she had to do, apparently, to stay married to him. She was in her late 30's and I could tell by looking at her that she was at one time very attractive. She had a California accent too young for her face. I looked at her and could see how some of the girls I am jealous of today will be in the future, and knew I didn't want that.

She ended up telling me that she was going to rehab. She was obviously scared, but covering it with a smile. She told me about the night before, when she got really drunk and made out with a 22 year old. She told me about the time she kissed a professional football player, and when his wife found her number in his phone he tried to cover it up by saying she just wanted tickets- which could get her in more trouble than sex would!

I happened to have the Buddhism book "Letting go of the person you used to be" Yes, it was a corny as hell thing to do but I gave it to her. She may throw it out the moment she reads the first page, or she or someone there might get some comfort from it. I found it kind of weird that I happened to bring this particular book on the day I was meeting someone who desperately needed to let go of some "attachments" and "clinging."

If I am ever going to apply for mainline (she works for mainline) now is the time! I'm too tired to go into the details, but I would build senority fast, and my pilots are going to strike soon, so maybe I should "strike" while the iron is hot. Something to think about.

You can buy Happiness

I woke up this morning at the casino hotel, Ashram was talking to me in his sleep- in Hindi. I pressed snooze a few times and started getting ready for work.

Yesterday I drove the 40 minutes to the casino to pick up Ashram and take him to the mall. As I wrote before, he is a consultant at the Casino, he lives in 3 cities, so he has no car here. I arrived 38 minutes late, thanks to traffic and a misleading detour sign, and we started off by stopping at a Thai restaurant, where Ashram told me that he was religiously not allowed to eat Mock Duck (???)

We arrived at the mall and first thing went to a DVD/Video game store. He told me he owns 3 video game consoles, and bought a PS3 (maybe- I cant tell the machines apart) when it was 1,200 dollars.

We went to the GNC store where he showed me the "Tony Little Gazelle" suggesting he would buy it for me for my birthday. It was a large and rediculous machine, sort of like Tony Little himself.

We passed by Bath and Body works, and I wanted to go inside to see if they had "happiness," a lotion that someone had used on the airplane, that smelled amazing. An enthusiastic girl told me about the lotion, but I looked at the price and a 4 oz bottle cost $6. I thanked her and left. Ashram and I spent the next 5 minutes debating the merits of spending 15 dollars on a bottle of lotion. I explained to him that I will spend $50 on a bottle of perfume, but $15 for lotion seems just silly to me.

There was an Express for men with a Claire's boutique next door, I said I would peek in to Claire's while he looked at Express. I walked in and pretty much walked back out. It was even crappier than I remembered it being, but when I went to Express Ashram was nowhere to be found! As usual the creepy Express people were up my butt right away, so I got out right away, but then I looked around and he was gone! I went back in describing him, they said he came in but then left.

I was so annoyed, I walked to Old Navy to look for him, since he had brought it up, when I walked back to the entrance of the store, there he was, with a bag with the lotion in it. It was so fucking sweet and romantic. Too bad on the drive there I was thinking "see Diana, this is why people can't marry for convienence, because you literally CANNOT STAND the person eventually." The way I feel for him is the way I felt for my Jr. High boyfriends. It's just fun having a cute "boyfriend-type" never mind that I think he is rediculous half the time.

So I felt really touched. I don't suppose I needed to, because buying someone something is only as difficult as having the money to do it, but it made me feel special and cared about. I guess I am a product of my consumerist society.

OH! And I forgot to mention that he was saying that I should get a kiosk at a mall, and run a business like he had, (he had a watch kiosk.) I said jokingly that I'd do it if he'd be my financial backer and he said he would! He seemed very serious, while I was intrigued, but keeping my head on straight. If I could think of a product that I would be happy selling 10 hours a day it would be a fun thing to imagine, though I am learning that Ashram, while sweet, is a pain in the ass, and would not be someone I would want to sign any legal paperwork with, even though I imagine I would be the one benefiting, not him.

On the drive to the casino we got in an arguement where he was basically telling me my career goals aren't good enough. That I should be willing to give up my job that I love in order to make more money. I suppose it is my own fault, because I whined to him about the money I make, but my feelings were genuinely hurt, I have brought myself up, from the brink of suicide, to being a happy person, the last thing I need is someone (besides myself) telling me I'm not good enough. Bear in mind this guy was suicidal 3 years ago, so I don't think he has very healthy thinking either, but I was just annoyed with that whole arguement. This guy has no sense. But an hour later we were at the hotel making out! So who has no sense? He is a very sexy and sensual kisser.

I sort of wish he never bought me the lotion. I need to nip this relationship in the bud (again) and him buying me the lotion just makes me feel guilty. But forget that! I have spent more on gas going back and forth than he did for that lotion.

Tired of real life

My last post was my 666th post. I don't think the Caramel Cookie people would be happy.

Well I have had two nice and productive days. I was ready for more, but now I am running out of steam.

I got nominated for a position on the Union, after learning that others are running (meaning I am not needed) I decided to decline, but even so, I have to send a fucking fax. Then, there is a 10K that I am going to walk with my sister Linda next week so I have to sign up for that.

Also, I am going to take Aslam to the mall (he is only a consultant in my city, so he lives at a hotel casino in the boondocks, with no car) so I have to get myself cuted up, clean my car and have my bags packed for work.

I know this all doesn't sound like much, but I have stuff to get ready for the Uganda trip. I would really rather be working on organizing my bedroom.

I will get it done, I swear I will. I guess the answer is to just push forward and do what needs to be done. Maybe I will record it so I will feel motivated.

The best cookies on earth

I am not getting paid for this, my whole reason for posting this is because I can still taste these cookies in my mouth, and I want to record where to get these cookies in a place I cant lose it, because if I couldn't eat them again, I might die.

I was cleaning the plane in Toronto, when I found an unopened bag of these cookies. The bus with the passengers was long gone, so the cookies were mine, all mine.

They were these crisp waffles with a cinnamon taste, in between the waffles was this sticky, chewy caramel. They were so delicious. Unbelievable.

I think I will buy some for my family this christmas (well, I haven't checked the price- if they are expensive I'll just buy them for myself)

They are called "Caramel Cookie Waffles"
Dutch Brothers bakery goods
1707 17th st W
Billings, MT 59102

http://www.caramelcookiewaffles.com/

It pains me to write this post. I really want to eat some. Unfortunately I never fly to billings, so I don't know if I can get them unless I buy them online. Wish me luck.

Another successful day?

Yesterday was a success I have decided. I got a lot accomplished, and with very little anxiety. But I need to continue. I have a lot to accomplish.

A month or so ago I was so happy, this happiness attracted attention, and then I was even happier. That happiness was a result of getting my room really clean, if I continue to clean and can get to that level of clean again, I predict my mood will be very good. I want to make that a goal for these days off (I especially want my room to be clean when I return from Uganda)

It's nearly two and I haven't started yet. I feel really weird, I think it's because I drank one of those "enviga" drinks. I bought it because it was the cheapest of all the energy drinks, but what I didn't think of is based on what they advertise, it is basically like drinking a diet pill. I know from experience that diet pills are terrible for mental health, so I am not sure if I should drink them. I bought 6 of them with the intention of having them by my bed so I could get up earlier, I am not sure how I will use them.

Right now I am watching the Montel Williams show discussing Cho Sung-Hui. I am still so facinated. I think understanding him can help us understand aspects of our culture. One thing that was interesting to me was reading about an albino rapper who noticed that white kids picked on him in the cruelest ways, they would say "your mom didn't want you" "you are a freak" really dehumanizing things, but the black kids would say "come on Casper, lets go" teasing, but still treating him like a human. I guess people would entertain themselves by trying to get this Cho guy to talk. He was so shy that he wouldn't even respond if you said hi to him, but they would still pick on him like that, the most defenseless kid possible. I hope that a dialogue about bullying continues in the US.

Okay, enough about that. The show is almost over, I have to get my focus back. I owe myself to have a clean house. I deserve to be happy. I deserve a clean house. I am perfectly cabable of doing this...ugh!

Love your Neighbor

MMMMM

I just went upstairs, and what I did with my neighbor is not fit for print.

I'm lonely, (and horny) and he is such a sweet guy, I just feel so safe around him, I feel like I can be as wild and honest as I want to be, and he doesn't judge, he appreciates it. And I feel like I can do something like this. I went up to visit him, and immediately when it was done I left so he could go to sleep, but I didn't feel used or seedy, I just felt fine. I didn't feel judged by him, again, I felt appreciated.

Unfortunately, at his age he has some sexual problems too. He wasn't going to give me any sex tonight, but things perked up after we talked awhile.

I really just want to find Mr. right, get married, buy a house, and make babies. I am sick of sleeping with my neighbor, or making out with a pilot, or looking at people on yahoo personals. I keep wondering if Charles is Mr. right, and that I am just afraid of commitment, or that I am racist or xenophobic. But he tried again tonight, if he's Mr. right, wouldn't I jump to it? Is anyone going to be good enough in my eyes? I wonder. I wonder if I am preoccupied with sex. I wondered also if I was preoccupied with money, but now I see that I am not.

I feel frustrated with all this dating and sex stuff. I want the love and trust I had for Charles, plus the sex I had with Alan. And with a guy who has his shit together like Charles. Maybe I should go back to my therapist (she seems to think I am done) but for that matter, she said she thought it was over with Charles.

I will go to bed now. I sort of wish I hadn't written this post, because I was basking in the afterglow, and now I feel sad. Unless I was going to feel sad anyway. Who knows.

Charles (again)

I hung out with Charles today. He said when I got back from Uganda he wanted us to try and work things out. I don't know what to do. I love him so much, and I am lonely, but I am pretty certian it's over.

He came over to the house and we even kissed a little. I felt something, but then I really wanted to stop. I question if my lack of chemistry had to do with the depth of our love, like it was just too intimate for me, and I couldn't stand the idea of loving someone and letting go of that distance.

I don't know what to write, really. But I do know that when he left I felt better, whatever that tells you.

Uh

Yay for me!

Well, I half cleaned my room. It is still not how I like it, there is a cardboard box full of stuff to be sorted, a pile as big as a mountain full of dirty clothes, and the rug needs vaccuuming, but it looks like a messy human being lives here, not a mental case.

It's funny, I was a little dissociated when I did it. I felt like I was cleaning up after someone else. It was the healthy me cleaning up after the sick me. And I am feeling hopeful that the sick me can stay underwraps for awhile.

Thats the thing. I am not seeing my depression related problems as "me" anymore, I am seeing them as the sickness. That is a really good thing about going to therapy, it has taught me not to see depression as my identity, which I definately did. My identity is a very nice, smart, funny and analytical. The things that are attached to the depression are symptoms of the sickness, not me. I have depression, not am depression.

Well, the reason I stopped cleaning was I was at a stopping point, and have something I need to focus on, my taxes. I have to get them done so I can have money for Uganda. I really should have been more proactive in the money situation, I have been spending a lot and not doing all the money things I should. I still don't know what the tickets are going to cost me, well and there are a lot of things not done yet. Okay, I am feeling anxious now, time to get back to work.

Bye!

Depressing Habits

I used to get so upset when seeing myself through a roommate's eyes. I knew that I was incapable, without extreme effort, of living the outgoing, active lives that they led, but from the perspective they saw me with, all I did was lay around. I rarely went out, I rarely did anything. To their eyes I was a bum, when I knew I was depressed and couldn't help it.

Fast forward to today. I am no longer depressed, but what have I been doing a lot lately? Laying around in front of my computer, doing nothing. Now I am an actual bum. There is no medical excuse now. My lifestyle sucks. I have bad habits left over from my depression, and that is depressing.

Fortunately I have felt really bored lately. The computer isn't providing me with the escape I want, quite the opposite, I am feeling the desire to escape my computer. Some great news is yesterday, I felt like the same girl at home as I feel like at work. Usually I feel like a happy, smart, pretty girl at work, but when I get home I feel like a hideous loser. Yesterday I was able to see that I am a happy, smart, pretty girl behaving the way a hideous loser does. That needs to stop.

So the biggest step has to be my room. It was clean when I dated Alan, and that was a revelation to me. I LOVED being the girl with the clean room (when it is clean it is very pretty, I have a cute international decorating style)

Lets try cleaning it now instead of laying on my back reading online gossip.

Bitter

I had "Sexual Intelligence" hosted by Kim Catrall on HBO on in the background. It was such a nice show, I had a warm fuzzy feeling the whole time it was on, until they talked about orgasms.

The people started to talk about having orgasms with their partners. I never have had one with a partner, I have never even gotten close with a partner! I am jealous and angry about that.

I think that I really screwed myself up by losing my virginity so young. Mix that with a father who my mother obviously shouldn't have chosen and I am far too unwilling to let go of control, to allow myself to relax enough to have an orgasm. I am physically able to have them, many of them, but not with a partner. I can't even give myself one while with a partner.

If I write much more about this I feel like I could cry, but I am far too tired to write much longer. I am so sad, I just can't really let anyone in. I really can't get myself to trust anyone. I did trust Charles, but he let me down, and when it happened, that little voice in my head said "of course." My idea of a man is my dad, who let me down when I was very fragile, so I can't comprehend a strong man who would not fall apart when times got rough.

I am not writing any more because I am tired. But that sucks. I think I deserve love and orgasms. I think everyone does.

On a happier note...

I am feeling so sad and anxious right now, it's time for a distraction.

I have expressed my feelings about Scientology and cults, about how I could have been at risk in the past, well now I am at risk again...I have found my charasmatic leader

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=116218060

The best part has to be the knitted stuffed uterus.

Also:

http://www.vaginapower.info/

The Virginia Tech Shootings, Mental Illness, Fear

A strange loner with an obsession with Jesus, known for harrassing girls. Sounds familiar to me, ewwwww.

I told a story last month about a guy trying to give me Jesus literature. I have seen him a number of times, he has given me Jesus literature before, he had this long face with sunken cheeks and large strange eyes. After thinking about it that day, I remembered a strange experience in the grocery store, where a man with a strange long sunken face came up to me, stood in my personal space, and started talking to me. (I can't remember, but I may have asked him to not stand in my personal space, again, I don't remember)

I remember months later walking through the University library, and seeing a warning posted on the door with a picture of this same man with a long face and sunken in cheeks. He had been harrassing campus girls, I felt shaken about my experience with him, and grateful it didn't lead to more.

So after seeing this killer, and seeing that he had many warning signs, suddenly the guy I met, who's face turned blank when I rejected his literature, seems like more than an oddball. He doesn't have an eccentric vibe. He has a heavy vibe.

I haven't seen the long faced man at my gym since that night. I am not going to be afraid to go there, even if he's there, but I have to be honest when I say that I feel some genuine fear thinking about him. There are people like this Cho, who have fallen through society's safety net (not even to protect the public, but to protect the severely mentally ill) and I feel like I can say confidently that the long faced man is one of them.

Wow, what I am feeling right now is real, it's not paranoia. That's just awful.

*Afterthought* I think I might have a nightmare tonight. I had security training class at work today also. That is a lot of anxiety for one day.

My baby is going home

Sweetie Sanjaya is going home.

Thats okay, he has star quality. He is more than a Willam Hung

I predict Sanjaya is going home tonight

http://www.alexyssktylorvaginapower.com/akt/index.php

I take it all back!

Last night I could have done Yoga when I got home, but instead I played online and wrote a Haiku on a goosip site and I won!

http://www.mollygood.com/celebrities/someone-haiku/someone-haiku-20070417.php

And I thought I was making bad choices this week!

The Haiku:

Reality Show
"Take Loudmouth to the Projects"
I call that "Good Times"

(About Anne Colture posing with Jimmie Walker)

A good thing

You know, having written the last post, I realize I don't really feel "depressed" lately, just really lazy and bored...and fat

Pull it together Di

A few months ago I told my therapist "I am worried I might be falling into another depression" expecting her to be as concerned as I was about it. Instead she said "Your probably going to heve to pay attention to that your whole life" CRAP!

I guess depression is like weight loss. You don't get to go on a diet, lose 25 pounds and then go back to eating like you did, you have to watch what you eat and be active forever to keep the weight off. So my depression is like that too. I have to take my medication, excercise and eat right, go to bed at a reasonable time, be social, think in a healthy way and stop myself when I start thinking self-hating thoughts, and avoid triggers.

I have screwed up on two of those this week. The other night I spent 2 hours reading a profoundly sick girl going crazy on some random person's website. It was really facinating, the way watching serial killer documentaries is facinating, but I shoudn't have done it. Staying up late to read a website is bad enough as it is, expecially when I had an early show in the morning, but reading something like that is what a therapist would call "a trigger."

I am blessed with strong sensitivity and empathy. This is something that will make me a good parent and a good friend. Unfortunately, however, it, if not tempered with strong boundaries, makes me really vulnerable around sick people. I have the ablilty to feel another's pain, and I am good at imagining myself in another's shoes, but when someone's brain is really twisted you should not put yourself in their shoes, becuase your brain will feel twisted too.

I learned this lesson already, twice. 5 years ago one of the things that pushed me into my suicidal depression was pro-anorexia websites I spent hours visiting. Reading this girl's crazy rants seemed like innocent entertainment at the time, but for an hour or so after reading them I felt sort of paranoid and vulnerable. I felt so aware that predators like her are all over the internet. It was scary to imagine that someone like her could be reading my blog, so I felt like I didn't want to post anymore!

I am over the whole "scared of the internet psychos" phase, but the repercussions of staying up so late are still here. I ended up staying up late last night too, and I woke up this morning (if you want to call it "morning") and feel sluggish and lazy. I need to pull myself together, hit the gym, do some cleaning, and eat better foods.

Thats whats pissing me off too. I am SO TIRED of paying such close attention to what I eat! After starting the Risperdal I am the same weight as I was before i started it, but I am so much more cautious about my eating now. I wish I could see some rewards for my good habits instead of just not-gaining. (And yes- Risperdal has been worth every pound- generalized anxiety disorder feels like a noisy tape player is playing the same shit in your head at all times, not letting you think of anything else- the weight gain is so worth it)

I have come very far. Besides a messy room and a lazy streak I am not much different than the average college-dropout, which is saying a lot comparing myself to the girl who wanted to kill herself because she couldn't get a college degree. I'm not the person I want to be yet, but isn't that what life is all about? Trying to become a better person?

Okay, enough laying in bed navel-gazing. Lets get to the gym!

--Oh and side note...this is a lesson to me, if I persue a degree in Psychology, I have to remember I am not cut out to be a therapist (to adults anyway) Can you imagine me trying to treat the crazy girl from the website? I would be a mess!

Am I hoping for too much?

What I want is to fall in love, and sex like this, at least now and then. Am I asking for too much? Are my expectations too high?



I keep worrying that they are. I am really porking out right now too, which doesn't help matters any.

I had a boy-meeting experience on the plane today. I commented on a man's pin, and he mentioned another pin, that said "stop driving." He tries to drive as little as possible, so I told him about my 5 year car-free life, and my "cars are coffins" water bottle. We clicked. He was balding, maybe late 30's, and maybe shorter than me, but there was something there.

I chatted with him a second time when serving drinks. He was able to identify the Greek and Roman names for the goddess I am named after, and what she is the goddess of. He told me he played accordion (and some other instrument) for a living! He seemed so nice, a calm, confident (but not cocky) look in his eyes...but then I realized, he doesn't wear deodarant. FUCK!

I sat in my jumpseat thinking about it. The reason I click with so few (American) guys is because I am talking to the mainstream guys! I am a hippy on the inside, and so my match is supposed to be a hippy. But I could not handle the idea of dating an accordion player who didn't use deodarant. Accordion player, fine, but I can't be with a guy who doesn't use deodarant!

Plus, the idea of dating a hippy, I feel so much like they would judge me. I am so mainstream. I drink soda with artificial sugar, I work in one of the most polluting industries, I vote for Democrats instead of Greens.

It's like I am neither one. I am not mainstream enough for the mainstream boys, and I am not hippy enough for the hippies. I'm this strange amalgam.

He didn't ask me out. I really thought he would, but oh well. Minus the funk, I was really hoping to get to know more.

I regularly wonder if I should get back with Charles. I really loved him alot. He would be a good father. Of course I wont get back with him, but I think about it a lot.

Nah, I am keeping hope alive. I think I will meet the right guy. In time to have kids? Maybe not. But eventually.

Writing you from another planet, also known as the American South

Okay, technically I think where I am is considered the "mid-south" but lawd-ahl-maighty" this place feels southern to me.

We have a 4 hour and 45 minute sit here, so I have been hanging out, playing on the computer and buying food and beverages.

The first place we went was Lenny's, an EXCELLENT sub shop, if you get a chance to, go there. The kid at the register had a headphone in his ear! Yes, he was listening to music while he served us! Then, there was a girl wiping the table and chatting on the telephone! You would have thought that that was as weird as it gets, but no. Later on I went to Starbuck's and a girl was sitting at a table, eating her sandwich, and she says "can I help you ma'am?" I said "uh...can I have a Venti skim Latte?" so she yells to the girl behind the machine "Venti skim Latte!" I was closer to the girl at the machine, but somehow that was how it was going to go. To make it even funnier, a woman came out from the back and asked if I had been helped. Apparently it was possible that I hadn't been helped, standing there for 2 minutes.

At least these people have been nice. Weird, but nice. It sure beats Detroit, where sometimes they seem mad at you for wanting to buy a bagel. I have stood there for 2 minutes not having a soul acknowledge me, this time without having someone come out from the back.

I have to admit I have a little grudge against this "slow southern style" this trip. We were in Canada and someone in dispach (in the south) screwed up our numbers so much that we sat on the ground for an hour. I had two condescending passengers and I even smarted off to one of them (I never do that!) -He was pointing at his watch saying "we sat on the ground for an hour, I only have one day at home and that really ate into it" and I said, in the tone you would tease a friend in, not a mean tone "Oh! I wish I would have realized that back then" Oops! But come on, what does he accomplish telling me we were late? I DIDN'T DO IT! There was also a douche in the exit row who, when someone stood up when we were taxiing, and I had to make a friendly announcement "once everyone is seated we are legally allowed to move the plane" he decided to point at his watch. Oh yes! Breaking federal law is perfectly reasonable so you can make your connecting flight. Both of these condecending dicks pissed me off, but the people who really pissed me off were the people in dispach, who's fault it actually was (it was probably a new guy, but if he was trained appropriately and paid well enough to attract smart people then maybe he wouldn't screw up so bad)

So for the f'rners reading this blog, there you have it. Unfair stereotypes of an entire region of the United States based on my experiences from one city. Hee hee, and two posts ago I was ranting about such things.

Send hate mail and death threats to my e-mail address in my profile.

The men in my life (this week anyway)

It has been another week full of men, but I am not in that amazing mood I was in a few weeks ago (beautiful weather may have been a big part of that mood) So I will start from the beginning.

First off, remember Ullrick? He was the steroid-using bodybuilder who seduced me into buying training sessions from him, and provided me with great motivation to work out. Well he bailed on me and all the sessions, he left the gym (the owner suggested to me that there had been other problems with him) and I called him a number of times, and he ignored me.

So I went to the owner, who gave me the two sessions I paid for (even though Ullrick said he'd give me 4 for the price of 2) and I was set up with a new trainer Brahman...everybody all together now *swoon.* Brahman was very professional, friendly, but not trying to seduce me, he was SOOO HOT, he looked like Justin Guarini without the weird hair and weird nose job.

Brahman started me out on the leg press machine at like, 40 pounds lighter than I usually do. I had told him over the phone that I wanted an all-core workout, so I said "what exactly are you having me do here" and he said "uh...this is called the leg press" I reminded him that I wanted an all core workout and he said "your sure?" and I said yes.

It was hard, but I survived it. He said that my stomach was a lot stronger than I had said it was. I couldn't believe those words were coming from his mouth! I was so happy. He told me I was going to hurt like hell in two days, and boy was he right, I could hardly roll over in bed this morning. I have been stiff like a granny all day today. I love it, I cant wait for more.

After my workout I went to Ashram's (the casino hotel) as I have started to develop an affection for him. During the evening we chatted, and I learned that he tried to kill himself 4 years ago. I don't know what more to write about it really. He is opening up to me, but I still find it hard to understand how he thinks. I think I know that we aren't destined to be together in the future. But, we had the hottest, most aggressive kissing session. Including him lifting me up and putting me on the sink. My god, if we were having sex it would have been so hot. MMMM. The only way we will have sex, however, is if we are in a relationship. I am not sure if I want a relationship (beyond what we have) if I already know we dont have a future. Oh well, one day at a time.

So the next morning I get a call from scheduling. They switched me onto a Canada flight because someone else couldn't fly there. I am so grateful this happened because I had a Canada overnight on my schedule already, and no passport. So fortunately I had time to drive home and get it.

I got to work extra early, so I sat in the crew lounge and played on my computer. Over walked him, the Pole. I met him on his first day here. A cute white guy with an accent. Tall, brunette, and an accent, plus a nice smile. I couldn't believe it he seemed sort of "impressed" with me. He was definately out of my league in my opinion. Well fast forward to today and he has put on some weight. He's still very cute, just a little chubby.

So he walks right to my direction, I am 99% sure he came over especially to talk to me, and right away with a warm smile I said "I think I met you on your first day here." We chatted and had an interesting conversation. He is polish but lived in Germany since he was 10. His perspective on the United States surprised me, he had positive things to say about it that I wouldn't expect to hear from a European. I enjoyed talking to him.

I have absolutely no doubts that he is interested in me, and I am interested in him too, but I am not sure if his interest is the kind I want. He mentioned that he spent college "chasing girls" and I think he said "chasing girls" a SECOND time too, so I wonder if he just likes girls in general, not me specifically. I look forward to seeing him again (but DAMN! I just realized he's not from my same base, CRAP! CRAP! CRAP!)

That night I saw a mainline pilot I had met and hung out with on St. Patricks day (the night I turned down hot ass cowboy-swagger pilot) him and I discussed going to a country western bar after the flight. I had an uncomfortable feeling about it all. The conversation was choppy (you know, fighting for the next thing to say) and when I asked him if he had a roommate he hesitated. I backed out of going out, truthfully saying I was tired. I am glad I did. I was tired, and I might go out with him another night, but I just didn't look forward to it. I can't read the guy, he could be a nice guy who is mildly socially awkward, or he could be married and acting weird because he is hoping to cheat on his wife. Who knows, who cares.

So now I have 2 more days left of my trip. I hope I will have something new and interesting to report.

Shut the fuck up Whitey

I read gossip sites much too much, and this has become apparant during the Imus flap, here I am, embarrassed to see a public figure behave in that way, grateful to see him fired (while well aware that it was about money not morals that he was fired) but am shocked that so many gossip sites and people on them are opposed to it!

I think it all boils doen to the fact that us white people still haven't shaken the belief that we are "it." We are special. Let's be honest, we think we are on a higher level then "them."

It's a hard transition. White men used to be "it." There was a heirarchy, and right on the top of the hierarchy was the white man, the crown jewel, in all his glory. The good jobs would go to white men, white men were the heroes in story books and movies, the rest of us would be the best off if we kept white men happy, on their terms. These glorious fifties that we all hail as "the good old days" were glorious for white men. The experiences for everyone else weren't so glorious.

So what a shock now for white people, to have to be taken off that pedestal. It feels to us that people from other races have power over us, because it is such a change for us to be considered no better than them, and to be held to the same standards as they are. We are even experiencing some of what others have for years, being judged unfairly by the color of our skin. We cry "foul!" at these horrible experiences, citing the 6 or 7 times in our lifetime we have been unfairly judged or treated by the color of our skin, not bothering to notice that people of other races experience such things 6 or 7 times a week, and have their whole lives, including the time they were children, their formative years.

I bought into the heirarchy myself, not because I am a bad person, but because of the messages our culture sends us. I would possibly never have changed if it wasn't for a half-black roommate of mine in the past, who forced me to look at myself and my beliefs in the meanest way she could. She wasn't as patient and compassionate as the millions of black people out there who think about white people "forgive them, they know not what they do" instead she saw my ignorance as malevolence, and shamed and humiliated me for it. I am no longer friends with her, and I don't think I deserved the unfair treatment I recieved from her, but since I am an introspective person it forced me to examine my beliefs (I think it would solidify a more intentional racist's beliefs.) I can see why the transition of power is so hard on whitey. It was very hard on me to "lower myself" in my eyes as no longer being the center of the universe.

Part of it is intelligence, or the willingness to examine our beliefs. It is so much easier to say in response to economic statistics regarding black and white people and say "Black people do things wrong, white people do things right" then to see that there are power structures in place, historical patterns passed down from generation to generation, and a vicious cycle in poverty. But thinking that way is complicated. It is so much easier to continue to think the same way.

Is it whitey's fault that many black people are in poverty? Nope. It is the fault of power structures set up by and upheld by white people. These power structures benefit white people, so white people are unlikely to challenge them, because it is human nature to try to get the most possible for yourself. So it is up to each individual to improve their own lot in life, and it sucks when the odds are so stacked up against some people, and not others. So when a black person makes an unfair comment about a white person, it is not the same as when a white person making an unfair comment about a black person. Racism is always bad, but white on black racism is an "Action" black on white racism is a "RE-action."

When someone stole my bigwheel when I was a little girl, my mom told me to see how I felt, and not to steal from others. So next time whitey, you are treated unkindly just because you are white, instead of hating another race more, make extra sure that you don't inflict that same pain on someone else.

Send your hate mail and death threats to my e-mail address in my profile.

Caught in the act

After sharing psycho-blogger-encounter stories with Monkey's human, I decided to take a little trip down memory lane, of my encounter with an unbalanced blogger.

I met her on my blog the first week I started mine, in no time the suicide threats started. It was quite the whirlwind.

Fortunately, I can't remember her name, and I like it that way, but I did remember the name of the guy she was having an affair with. So today, for the fun of it, I decided to go spy on his website.

There it was right on the first page "Smile *Diana's very uncommon real name*" I nearly had a heart attack! It was some poem he had wrote that coincidentally had my name in the title, as the first post, on the day I was spying on him.

If I could remember her name I might try to spy on her site, but I think she took all of her blogs down, because the police took her kids away after learning, via her blog, how unstable she was behaving in front of her children...god bless those kids, I hope they are doing well.

Moral of the story...BE CAREFUL ON THE INTERNET!

The brain is a funhouse mirror

I have gained a few pounds in the last few weeks, so you would assume that my image in the mirror would be negative 100% of the time, instead it's so random.

Today I saw myself naked when I stood up and saw the cutest little body. Mushy but compact arms and legs, a nice round butt, and a cute little pot belly. But on another day, even when I weigh less, I might see the hugest most unsightly hips and love handles. On these days my mood can just fall apart, "knowing" that my body is so "awful."

I think the lesson to learn here is that the mood that sees the cute body is the right one. A man, looking at a naked body, is probably going to like it. If he doesn't like chubbier girls, he will have noticed that I am chubby while my clothes was still on.

The trick is to keep that confident mindset. Last month when I was in that mindset I was a man magnet. This lesson is for men too. You can be short, bald, fat, or all of the above, but if you are genuinely confident you can be attractive.

Thinking your ugly is so dumb. It makes you ugly. Now I am going to take my nightgown off and admire myself a little longer.

Is it WRONG to be attracted to an animal?

I have known that I was somehow different, and I thought maybe I was a lesbian, but I tried sex with a woman and didn't enjoy it. Now I am starting to think that I know what it is I want, it's male, but its not human. I think I am in love with a monkey!

First of all, I think there is nothing wrong with this. A monkey is still a primate, we share a lot of the same DNA, so it is not perverted, like impregnating a Llama would be. And if you saw him, you would love him too! Wait! Let me introduce you to him, but remember, I love him, so please don't hit on him.

We have common interests, he is a pilot!

He has money

He practices good hygiene

And he is attentive in bed

He's even a talented rapper:



God he's so cute!

Being morbidly obese

Right now I am watching the documentary Fat: what no-one is telling you

I sincerely hope a lot of people will watch this documentary. It is facinating scientifically, but it is also important in the way fat people are treated.

There is someone like me, I was pretty fat, but now I am "chubby." I am passibly attractive and accepted in society. But morbidly obese people are not. They are called cruel names, mocked, and ignored, and I can't believe how cruel people can be. I can look at my experience and say to a morbidly obese person "you should do this" but I have to remember that our bodies are different.

Many people seem to think that morbidly obese people are simply people who eat huge amounts of food and don't excercise. This is true much of the time, but what smaller bodied people don't seem to understand is how much harder it is for a morbidly obese person to follow a healthy lifestyle than someone else.

We all have to buck up and eat healthy foods and excercise, but we have to understand that the same diet and excercise will have different results on different bodies, and that some people have more challenges to making these choices.

Please be compassionate

Young Boys- YUM

MMMMMM, I have a new crush! On my roommate Raina's little brother!

He must be 25 (I could be a older woman making his age seem older to appear less pervy) he is super tall, and very cute and nerdy, but in a confident way. He has the rockabilly type glasses, and matched an orange sweatshirt with a green shirt.

I kind of think he digs me, which is saying something, because I have my hair slicked back in a ponytail with no makeup and a huge zit where Cindy Crawford had her beauty mark.

I won't persue a thing. He is likely too young, and that would be weird with Raina being my roommate. But its nice to have a pretty boy coming around the house to drool over and flirt with :)

Larry Birkhead is Dannilyn's father!!!!

Yaaaaay!

It is so refreshing to see a father fighting for his baby, instead of the crap you se on Maury, with trailer trash denying their own children. I hope he gives her a good and normal life :)

Here's a Haiku I wrote for Mollygood.com

What will Howard do?
Larry Birkhead is the dad
No one left to kill

I think mine's the best.

Wish me luck!

Bears for the Babies!

Guess what!

I got in contact with an organization that has volunteers make teddy bears for aids orphans, and they are giving me 50 bears for the orphanage that I am going to!

Not only that, but they need a contact in Uganda to pick up bears from the post office, and take them to orphanages in the area! So not only are they helping me, I am helping them!

I am also excited about the fact that I have an excuse to take the kid's pictures! I have this fantasy of taking each childs pic, putting it in a frame, and sending it to them, let's see if I can actually accomplish it though.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Placebo Sick

This morning I had 5 shots for 6 vaccinations shoved into my arms. I got these for my trip to Uganda in may. I was told that they would make me feel sick, so now I am laying around in bed, pretending like I feel sick, but I suspect I don't really feel sick, I think I am placebo sick.

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, but I had 2 cups of coffee, so there is no way I am actually feeling sick, or if I am, it's because I bought a bag of 50% of easter jellybeans and ate most of it.

Feel sorry for me

I feel really whole

Visiting my mom's side of the family really replenishes me, really recharges my batteries. I know not everyone can say that about their families. I feel very fortunate.

Right now I feel very whole, or more accurately, I feel like I can see who I am, and can see the direction I am supposed to go. I feel like I know what I should do next.

I dont know the exact definitions of the words tantra and yoga, but I think they involve unity, like having every aspect of your life be spiritual. I feel really greatful, Buddhism makes sense to me. I feel so greatful to have a philosophy that I can study that makes me say "I agree with that" instead of how I feel about Christianity which I don't agree with, except for alot of the things Jesus preached about. Going without some sort of spiritual structure is not a place I felt comfortable in. Reality, the universe and my role in it is always at the center of my mind. Trying to figure it out on my own is like reinventing the wheel, I feel so greatful that Buddhism is fitting so well with the things I discovered for myself.

I know that I should be continuing to study Buddhism, and should join the local zen center, to get some guidance on how to start meditating. I know that tantra &/or yoga (are they the same thing?) should also be included. I don't know much about them, I just know that tantra includes sexuality and yoga includes excercise, and those are two things that I have always found spiritual, and I am excited that maybe these things could possibly be a prt of a lifestyle.

I know that I should stay at my airline and finish my degree in Psychology. Psychology is my passion, I am talented in understanding it, I am talented in empathy, and my Psycholgy studies would fit very well into my spiritual studies.

I know that I want to fit into mainstream America. I am American. I need to stop feeling shame about all of the unhealthy aspects of our culture and instead focus on what we do right (we do many things very well) and work to heal what is unhealthy about our culture. I never want to become a person who uses too flowery of words, "insider jargon" I want to be a person who a mainstream American will look at me, and see what we have in common, instead of seeing what is different. More importantly, I want to look at a mainstream American and see what we have in common, instead of what is different. I want to be at peace with "my people" and my culture, I don't want to dissociate myself from them like it is so tempting to do. Maybe the term I should use is Mainstream White America. I think that is the most accurate term.

And as for men, that should fall into place if I am doing these things. If I am following my passion, being my truest self, the person for me should be easier to find, because they will be able to identify who I am more easily if I am truely, authenticly being me.

Yay

Happy Easter!

He's in trouble again

Awwww, I don't know why I am defending this guy who cheats on his wife, but the basketball coach I chatted with on the plane is in trouble again, and I think it's just sad.

He's been suspended for anti-semetic remarks, but what the remarks were along the lines of "Jewish people stick together" and "they have great security on the israeli airline."

From the articles defending him it sounds like alot of his inner circle are Jewish (including an ex wife) so I think what he said was probably very unsophisticated, but malice free.

I felt this feeling like I could help him when I met him, I wish I had his number so I could say something, I am not sure what. In the end its dumb that I thought I could help him, maybe that is his personality, he seemed so raw and vulnerable, but in an endearing way. I hope he doesn't turn to alcohol or drugs to get through this.

What is going on with my head?

I will start with my nightmare, it was so horrible. I dreamt that there was a delay, and so I left the plane to hang out in a gazebo, and then while sitting in the gazebo I realized that I am never supposed to leave the plane while a passenger is on so I tried to run back to the plane before anyone noticed I left. Then I couldn't find the plane for the life of me, and I ran into the union president, and she just shook her head and said "man that's bad, wish there was something I could do for you." My job was completely gone, and I was devestated. It really drilled in the point how much I love my job.

But why was I having nightmares in the first place? Because I drank two Red Bulls at night, becuase I went to Ashram's hotel, and he was staying up all night so he could catch his 5AM taxi to the airport.

Yes, Ashram again. He got his job back that he quit! I guess they needed him so much that a manager above the one who called him "irresponsible" asked him to come back and now he will deal directly with her, not with the other guy anymore! Wow! Being a data architect has it's perks!

Here's whats screwed up. I really liked him last night. We cuddled and kissed for a short time (I stopped it, but partly because I was SOOOO TIRED.) He was asking me if I liked kids and if I was a "homely girl" (a girl who does things in the home) because it was in the movie "The Guru" (I bought it, I just love that movie.) Maybe it was the Guru that got me so mushy. It has a woman with an unusual sexual lifestyle, and an Indian man who sees that she is a lady, deserving of love anyway. Maybe seeing that, mixed with knowing Ashram for a longer time, and not being fresh from the rejection by Alan, I felt like I really liked him.

Why did I not like him? Well, for one he said something positive about George Bush, I can't think of a bigger turn off. I brought it up the other day and I asked him if he would ever vote for George Bush, he said no. Then there was the fact that he doesn't seem to think I am beautiful, but then when I looked into his eyes last night he said "you think I don't find you beautiful, but the truth is you are too beautiful" or something like that. And I appreciate that he sees personality first (and doesn't seem to have a big ego about his appearance, even though he is told alot by his family that he is handsome)

Maybe I am lonely? Maybe I am excited by the idea of a family, and I see a man who could afford babies as well as give me pretty Indian babies and a wedding with a pretty sari? (positive racism? sure, but I am still thinking it) I am sort of feeling worried that I won't find Mr. right in time for me to have kids...am I enthusiastic because I am seeing a good prospect?

But I also think he is cute, and he has a cute and analytical personality, and is kind. Am I trying to keep myself from liking him to prevent myself from only liking him for his money and ethnic heratige? Thats dumb, because every thing that is positive in a person contributes to what you like about them, so if I am feeling like I am liking him, it's okay if those are contributing factors of why, as long as those aren't the ONLY factors.

But I know we would butt heads, we already do a little. But butting heads is probably better than it was with Charles, where I just worshiped him and wanted to do anything that made him happy, even when it made me unhappy.

I feel anxious thinking about Ashram. I feel like I want to hold back, because I don't want to allow myself to develop feelings for him. Is this a cue that he is wrong for me? Or is it a cue that he could be right for me and I am scared?

At least I am able to take it slow. I said I wanted to keep the kissing sweet and innocent while I figured out how I felt, and he didn't push me, though he did make fun of me when I said breasts count as sweet and innocent.

Maybe I should just live in the present and enjoy his company. I keep driving one hour there and back to see him, so there must be something going for him.

I don't want to think about it anymore right now.

My annoying pesrsonality quirk

I am grateful for therapy, because some of the rejection I recieve in my life is a response to my behavior. I got to discuss my roommate Jennifer with my therapist, and one thing I have learned about myself is I come on way to strong!

I see myself doing that with my new roommate Raina already. I am offering to help too much, it comes from the right place, but I am too much in her business. If she wants my help she will ask for it.

So I am going to back of and leave her be. It's what I prefer to do anyway. It's like I feel obliged to be all in her face, I don't want to do it, and she doesn't want it either. Weird. You learn new things all the time.

Men want virgins who fuck like whores

I am watching the Greg Behrendt show right now, and he said that men are excited to know that we are really into sex too. I have decided in my life that this isn't true.

I have made the decision to keep my sexual history kind of mum, until the relationship has progressed awhile. Men don't see a woman with 30 something partners as someone liberated, hedonistic, or self serving, they see it as negative. I bet you ANYTHING that that is why Alan started to change his feelings about me. It was around the time that we started having sex, and I was a hungry pent up animal at that point, that he changed. I think it was his schooling too, but I honestly think that guys don't like the idea that a woman has had other performances to compare them to.

I have changed in my sexual habits and beliefs, but that doesn't mean I am ashamed of my exploration in the past. I was NEVER a sinner, except of course when I would play with peoples hearts, but that is a sin because it hurts someone, sex only hurts someone if there is manipulation or malice involved. (And of course there is that inconvenient attachment that women get after sex, that is something to be factored in)

I will never lie about my past, lying would suggest I am ashamed, I'm not, but I'm not going to volunteer info anymore. So I say Greg is wrong. Men only like to imagine that women think about sex all the time if the thinking about it started after she met the man.

New roommate, EYYYYYYYYYEEE!

My new roommate should be here any minute. I am nervous! I guess I don't feel that nervous right now, but I have been lately.

I met her briefly. She is the cousin of my last roommate's friend Matthew. Matthew is kind of icky. He cheats on his girlfriends (never been faithful to one) and he has the type of sense of humor where he makes fun of a person without including them in on the joke. Like the other day he was saying to me that he likes "a real woman" as in, a curvy woman. I said "oh yeah, you like 'a little junk in the trunk' do ya?" I assumed he was just flirting with/hitting on me. Come to find out skinny women are his ideal. He was making fun of me, and I wasn't in on the joke. I also overheard him saying to Jennifer that his cousin sure got fat. What a jerk.

But according to Jennifer I will like the new roommate, I will call her Raina. She was just in Nicaragua doing aid work. Apparently she is really into public policy too. Maybe she can get me into it again.

I'm going to go to bed if she doesn't get here already. I can't wait to listen to my hypnosis Mp3s again ;)

I got my BABYBACK BABYBACK BABYBACK BABYBACK

Oh I missed it so much! My laptop is back! I fried the cord by plugging it into the plane, and so I had to wait for the company to give me a new cord.

It was good for me I am sure. Just to have a little break from having a computer attached to my body, but I am still glad to have it back. My old tangerine imac is limited, if not for the computer's speed, from my body's willingness to sit on a chair that long.

YAAAY

Oh Shit!

I had to poo, so just for fun I weighed myself before hand to see if going poo really makes you lose weight.

When I weighed myself afterwards I gained a pound!

Huh?