Bitter

I had "Sexual Intelligence" hosted by Kim Catrall on HBO on in the background. It was such a nice show, I had a warm fuzzy feeling the whole time it was on, until they talked about orgasms.

The people started to talk about having orgasms with their partners. I never have had one with a partner, I have never even gotten close with a partner! I am jealous and angry about that.

I think that I really screwed myself up by losing my virginity so young. Mix that with a father who my mother obviously shouldn't have chosen and I am far too unwilling to let go of control, to allow myself to relax enough to have an orgasm. I am physically able to have them, many of them, but not with a partner. I can't even give myself one while with a partner.

If I write much more about this I feel like I could cry, but I am far too tired to write much longer. I am so sad, I just can't really let anyone in. I really can't get myself to trust anyone. I did trust Charles, but he let me down, and when it happened, that little voice in my head said "of course." My idea of a man is my dad, who let me down when I was very fragile, so I can't comprehend a strong man who would not fall apart when times got rough.

I am not writing any more because I am tired. But that sucks. I think I deserve love and orgasms. I think everyone does.