How to be happy

My right blinker wasn't working for quite some time, and last night I FINALLY replaced it, I felt so happy!

Now I am sorting my laundry (nearly all the clothes I own is dirty- hee hee) and I feel a little better the less messy my room is. So why am I laying in bed typing this post instead of continuing?

I think the key to making myself happy has got to be to accomplish things. When my room is completely clean it makes me so happy. I just have the issue that when I push myself too hard my system shuts down, like an overstimulated baby, so just saying "get it done" doesn't work for me.

Hmmmm, what did work was paying myself for my work. I gave myself a wage and bought clothes. The clean house made me happy, and the clothes made me happy. Maybe I will do that again, although I don't have any money to spare if I am going to Uganda/possibly going to mainline.

I have some bad habits that are really holding me back. I would like to stop that.

Personal Ads really do a number on my ego

I am not really photogenic, so taking pictures for a personal ad and not getting any responses (well I have been hotlisted, but by someone in New Mexico whos headline reads they are a "sex magician")

If I was thinner I would be more photogenic, I look alot like Julia Stiles, and she is "interesting" looking, but since she is thin her "interesting" looks pretty.

I just took a new pic, I don't love it 100% but it shows my long hair and my old pic didn't. I hope It changes the attention I get

Woah is me

...And the BIIIIIIIIIIIIG news is...

I applied at Mainline!

You heard me! I am going to apply and interview, I am not certian I will work there, but I have decided to go this far, and make my decision after I am (hopefully) offered the job.

If I had my druthers I would stay where I am and just get paid more. Mainline F/A's are SO CRABBY and I will have to work with them, when I would rather work alone. I will have to put up with cliqueiness, but I think I am ready to handle that.

There were two deciding factors, the big one is they are hiring like 1000 people, so the sooner I get in the more senority I will have, and I can be based where I live (I would never have the courage to take a pay cut & have to switch bases.)

The second deciding factor is I am SOFA KING tired of being SOFA KING poor! I can't afford a condo, I can't afford to have kids, and if I stay where I am I am going to end up 50 in the same financial place. I can survive being poor now, but I want something to show for my life's work when I get older.

Will I get the job? Well Lorraine got hired there! BWAH HA HA HA HA

Undisgusting sex

I just wanted to draw your attention to a website www.nerve.com it is a sex website that is really smart, and makes sex look awesome, not disgusting.

Speaking of disgusting, get this. I was talking to a former flight attendant, and she was grilling me for the gossip. I said "oh! I kissed my first pilot" and she asked who. When I told her his name, she said "oh, I kissed him too, he kisses tons of flight attendants." UHHHHH! I feel so dirty. Here I was, thinking that he was this sort of dorky guy "with no game," worthy of my attention, and here he was, all along, this donky guy, with "I don't have game-game" unworthy of my attention! I don't want sluts! I'm the slut! I reward the non-slutty guys for being not sluts. Come on!

I was SOOO turned on after that encounter that I was contemplating putting a note in that pilot's v-file. I was going to put my number, and write "if you don't know who this is, don't call" I was thinking I would write that because he would know who it was. But apparently that would not be the case! And he was saying "I am a relationship guy, so I haven't had any action for like a year" what a prick!

I feel so stupid, but I am glad that I refused to have sex with him!

I'm really tired! I don't want to do this!

I am so tired. I was up 21 hours yesterday and then woke up this morning at 8 to do a 10K (which ended up being a 5K, because we took a wrong turn)

I am so tired I can't think, and figuring out how to non-rev to Uganda is hard as hell! I have never done it, and there are so many legs of the trip! Jennifer needs to know when I will be there tomorrow, and I have no way of telling her that answer! For all I know I will be in the Amsterdam airport for a week!

I really need to take a nap, this is too hard for me

Just an ordinary week

This week I...

Spent the night in a condo in Ashville, hiked, and ate meatballs with the parents of my captian.

Took a manila folder out of the garbage discarded by a famous poet, now own a rough draft of a poem, probably written by him, maybe never published, as well as other writings (I will never sell it)

Met a SECOND Buddhist monk.

Contemplated seriously getting back with Charles. Still contemplating it.

Made a BIG DECISION (will fill you in once it's complete)

Visited with an aunt and cousin.

Woke up at 3:20AM my time

Observed myself chatting comfortably in the homes of 2 upper middle class families.

Registered for a 10K walk/run

Cant remember what else, I have been awake 21 hours

bye :)

I have BIIIIIIIIIIIG news!!!!!!!...

...but I'm not telling you what it is until it's for sure

Oh my Buddha!

Today was weird (but cool!)

I ended up at work early becuase I had given myself a lot of extra time to get there, and managed to avoid the worst traffic by taking small highways. I turned in some paperwork and did my first turn for the day.

When I got to the elevator to my crew lounge there was a Buddhist monk sitting on one of the seats. I went up to him and asked him if I could buy him lunch. I don't know if this was weird of me to offer, I read that in Asian buddhism people do nice things for the monks to improve their Karma, so I hope it wasn't too weird to him. He didn't understand me right away (I think he was Tibetan) but he said "I already ate" I said "okay" and left. That might have been weird, but I just didn't want to bug him I guess.

I went downstairs to pickup the rollerbag the company buys for F/As of one year senority, and brought it up the elevator. As if all the Buddhas and Bottisatvas told him I was coming up at that moment, when the door opened the monk was looking in my direction with a gentle smile on his face. Oh my god I wanted to talk to him so bad! He was sitting there so peacefully, I just wanted to be in his presence. I smiled and waved at him and he nodded and smiled. I kept going towards the exit, but wished he had accepted lunch, or that I had offered him ice cream or something. But I didn't want to bug him, so I went back to my car, but in the glowy-est mood just having been around him. The presence he gave off is the presence I want to have, and I just felt calm and happy :)

On my flight to Tennesee a sort of loud blonde flight attendant sat in the front seat. We chatted a little, she was telling me of how she was planning to cheat on her husband. It was what she had to do, apparently, to stay married to him. She was in her late 30's and I could tell by looking at her that she was at one time very attractive. She had a California accent too young for her face. I looked at her and could see how some of the girls I am jealous of today will be in the future, and knew I didn't want that.

She ended up telling me that she was going to rehab. She was obviously scared, but covering it with a smile. She told me about the night before, when she got really drunk and made out with a 22 year old. She told me about the time she kissed a professional football player, and when his wife found her number in his phone he tried to cover it up by saying she just wanted tickets- which could get her in more trouble than sex would!

I happened to have the Buddhism book "Letting go of the person you used to be" Yes, it was a corny as hell thing to do but I gave it to her. She may throw it out the moment she reads the first page, or she or someone there might get some comfort from it. I found it kind of weird that I happened to bring this particular book on the day I was meeting someone who desperately needed to let go of some "attachments" and "clinging."

If I am ever going to apply for mainline (she works for mainline) now is the time! I'm too tired to go into the details, but I would build senority fast, and my pilots are going to strike soon, so maybe I should "strike" while the iron is hot. Something to think about.

You can buy Happiness

I woke up this morning at the casino hotel, Ashram was talking to me in his sleep- in Hindi. I pressed snooze a few times and started getting ready for work.

Yesterday I drove the 40 minutes to the casino to pick up Ashram and take him to the mall. As I wrote before, he is a consultant at the Casino, he lives in 3 cities, so he has no car here. I arrived 38 minutes late, thanks to traffic and a misleading detour sign, and we started off by stopping at a Thai restaurant, where Ashram told me that he was religiously not allowed to eat Mock Duck (???)

We arrived at the mall and first thing went to a DVD/Video game store. He told me he owns 3 video game consoles, and bought a PS3 (maybe- I cant tell the machines apart) when it was 1,200 dollars.

We went to the GNC store where he showed me the "Tony Little Gazelle" suggesting he would buy it for me for my birthday. It was a large and rediculous machine, sort of like Tony Little himself.

We passed by Bath and Body works, and I wanted to go inside to see if they had "happiness," a lotion that someone had used on the airplane, that smelled amazing. An enthusiastic girl told me about the lotion, but I looked at the price and a 4 oz bottle cost $6. I thanked her and left. Ashram and I spent the next 5 minutes debating the merits of spending 15 dollars on a bottle of lotion. I explained to him that I will spend $50 on a bottle of perfume, but $15 for lotion seems just silly to me.

There was an Express for men with a Claire's boutique next door, I said I would peek in to Claire's while he looked at Express. I walked in and pretty much walked back out. It was even crappier than I remembered it being, but when I went to Express Ashram was nowhere to be found! As usual the creepy Express people were up my butt right away, so I got out right away, but then I looked around and he was gone! I went back in describing him, they said he came in but then left.

I was so annoyed, I walked to Old Navy to look for him, since he had brought it up, when I walked back to the entrance of the store, there he was, with a bag with the lotion in it. It was so fucking sweet and romantic. Too bad on the drive there I was thinking "see Diana, this is why people can't marry for convienence, because you literally CANNOT STAND the person eventually." The way I feel for him is the way I felt for my Jr. High boyfriends. It's just fun having a cute "boyfriend-type" never mind that I think he is rediculous half the time.

So I felt really touched. I don't suppose I needed to, because buying someone something is only as difficult as having the money to do it, but it made me feel special and cared about. I guess I am a product of my consumerist society.

OH! And I forgot to mention that he was saying that I should get a kiosk at a mall, and run a business like he had, (he had a watch kiosk.) I said jokingly that I'd do it if he'd be my financial backer and he said he would! He seemed very serious, while I was intrigued, but keeping my head on straight. If I could think of a product that I would be happy selling 10 hours a day it would be a fun thing to imagine, though I am learning that Ashram, while sweet, is a pain in the ass, and would not be someone I would want to sign any legal paperwork with, even though I imagine I would be the one benefiting, not him.

On the drive to the casino we got in an arguement where he was basically telling me my career goals aren't good enough. That I should be willing to give up my job that I love in order to make more money. I suppose it is my own fault, because I whined to him about the money I make, but my feelings were genuinely hurt, I have brought myself up, from the brink of suicide, to being a happy person, the last thing I need is someone (besides myself) telling me I'm not good enough. Bear in mind this guy was suicidal 3 years ago, so I don't think he has very healthy thinking either, but I was just annoyed with that whole arguement. This guy has no sense. But an hour later we were at the hotel making out! So who has no sense? He is a very sexy and sensual kisser.

I sort of wish he never bought me the lotion. I need to nip this relationship in the bud (again) and him buying me the lotion just makes me feel guilty. But forget that! I have spent more on gas going back and forth than he did for that lotion.

Tired of real life

My last post was my 666th post. I don't think the Caramel Cookie people would be happy.

Well I have had two nice and productive days. I was ready for more, but now I am running out of steam.

I got nominated for a position on the Union, after learning that others are running (meaning I am not needed) I decided to decline, but even so, I have to send a fucking fax. Then, there is a 10K that I am going to walk with my sister Linda next week so I have to sign up for that.

Also, I am going to take Aslam to the mall (he is only a consultant in my city, so he lives at a hotel casino in the boondocks, with no car) so I have to get myself cuted up, clean my car and have my bags packed for work.

I know this all doesn't sound like much, but I have stuff to get ready for the Uganda trip. I would really rather be working on organizing my bedroom.

I will get it done, I swear I will. I guess the answer is to just push forward and do what needs to be done. Maybe I will record it so I will feel motivated.

The best cookies on earth

I am not getting paid for this, my whole reason for posting this is because I can still taste these cookies in my mouth, and I want to record where to get these cookies in a place I cant lose it, because if I couldn't eat them again, I might die.

I was cleaning the plane in Toronto, when I found an unopened bag of these cookies. The bus with the passengers was long gone, so the cookies were mine, all mine.

They were these crisp waffles with a cinnamon taste, in between the waffles was this sticky, chewy caramel. They were so delicious. Unbelievable.

I think I will buy some for my family this christmas (well, I haven't checked the price- if they are expensive I'll just buy them for myself)

They are called "Caramel Cookie Waffles"
Dutch Brothers bakery goods
1707 17th st W
Billings, MT 59102

http://www.caramelcookiewaffles.com/

It pains me to write this post. I really want to eat some. Unfortunately I never fly to billings, so I don't know if I can get them unless I buy them online. Wish me luck.

Another successful day?

Yesterday was a success I have decided. I got a lot accomplished, and with very little anxiety. But I need to continue. I have a lot to accomplish.

A month or so ago I was so happy, this happiness attracted attention, and then I was even happier. That happiness was a result of getting my room really clean, if I continue to clean and can get to that level of clean again, I predict my mood will be very good. I want to make that a goal for these days off (I especially want my room to be clean when I return from Uganda)

It's nearly two and I haven't started yet. I feel really weird, I think it's because I drank one of those "enviga" drinks. I bought it because it was the cheapest of all the energy drinks, but what I didn't think of is based on what they advertise, it is basically like drinking a diet pill. I know from experience that diet pills are terrible for mental health, so I am not sure if I should drink them. I bought 6 of them with the intention of having them by my bed so I could get up earlier, I am not sure how I will use them.

Right now I am watching the Montel Williams show discussing Cho Sung-Hui. I am still so facinated. I think understanding him can help us understand aspects of our culture. One thing that was interesting to me was reading about an albino rapper who noticed that white kids picked on him in the cruelest ways, they would say "your mom didn't want you" "you are a freak" really dehumanizing things, but the black kids would say "come on Casper, lets go" teasing, but still treating him like a human. I guess people would entertain themselves by trying to get this Cho guy to talk. He was so shy that he wouldn't even respond if you said hi to him, but they would still pick on him like that, the most defenseless kid possible. I hope that a dialogue about bullying continues in the US.

Okay, enough about that. The show is almost over, I have to get my focus back. I owe myself to have a clean house. I deserve to be happy. I deserve a clean house. I am perfectly cabable of doing this...ugh!

Love your Neighbor

MMMMM

I just went upstairs, and what I did with my neighbor is not fit for print.

I'm lonely, (and horny) and he is such a sweet guy, I just feel so safe around him, I feel like I can be as wild and honest as I want to be, and he doesn't judge, he appreciates it. And I feel like I can do something like this. I went up to visit him, and immediately when it was done I left so he could go to sleep, but I didn't feel used or seedy, I just felt fine. I didn't feel judged by him, again, I felt appreciated.

Unfortunately, at his age he has some sexual problems too. He wasn't going to give me any sex tonight, but things perked up after we talked awhile.

I really just want to find Mr. right, get married, buy a house, and make babies. I am sick of sleeping with my neighbor, or making out with a pilot, or looking at people on yahoo personals. I keep wondering if Charles is Mr. right, and that I am just afraid of commitment, or that I am racist or xenophobic. But he tried again tonight, if he's Mr. right, wouldn't I jump to it? Is anyone going to be good enough in my eyes? I wonder. I wonder if I am preoccupied with sex. I wondered also if I was preoccupied with money, but now I see that I am not.

I feel frustrated with all this dating and sex stuff. I want the love and trust I had for Charles, plus the sex I had with Alan. And with a guy who has his shit together like Charles. Maybe I should go back to my therapist (she seems to think I am done) but for that matter, she said she thought it was over with Charles.

I will go to bed now. I sort of wish I hadn't written this post, because I was basking in the afterglow, and now I feel sad. Unless I was going to feel sad anyway. Who knows.

Charles (again)

I hung out with Charles today. He said when I got back from Uganda he wanted us to try and work things out. I don't know what to do. I love him so much, and I am lonely, but I am pretty certian it's over.

He came over to the house and we even kissed a little. I felt something, but then I really wanted to stop. I question if my lack of chemistry had to do with the depth of our love, like it was just too intimate for me, and I couldn't stand the idea of loving someone and letting go of that distance.

I don't know what to write, really. But I do know that when he left I felt better, whatever that tells you.

Uh

Yay for me!

Well, I half cleaned my room. It is still not how I like it, there is a cardboard box full of stuff to be sorted, a pile as big as a mountain full of dirty clothes, and the rug needs vaccuuming, but it looks like a messy human being lives here, not a mental case.

It's funny, I was a little dissociated when I did it. I felt like I was cleaning up after someone else. It was the healthy me cleaning up after the sick me. And I am feeling hopeful that the sick me can stay underwraps for awhile.

Thats the thing. I am not seeing my depression related problems as "me" anymore, I am seeing them as the sickness. That is a really good thing about going to therapy, it has taught me not to see depression as my identity, which I definately did. My identity is a very nice, smart, funny and analytical. The things that are attached to the depression are symptoms of the sickness, not me. I have depression, not am depression.

Well, the reason I stopped cleaning was I was at a stopping point, and have something I need to focus on, my taxes. I have to get them done so I can have money for Uganda. I really should have been more proactive in the money situation, I have been spending a lot and not doing all the money things I should. I still don't know what the tickets are going to cost me, well and there are a lot of things not done yet. Okay, I am feeling anxious now, time to get back to work.

Bye!

Depressing Habits

I used to get so upset when seeing myself through a roommate's eyes. I knew that I was incapable, without extreme effort, of living the outgoing, active lives that they led, but from the perspective they saw me with, all I did was lay around. I rarely went out, I rarely did anything. To their eyes I was a bum, when I knew I was depressed and couldn't help it.

Fast forward to today. I am no longer depressed, but what have I been doing a lot lately? Laying around in front of my computer, doing nothing. Now I am an actual bum. There is no medical excuse now. My lifestyle sucks. I have bad habits left over from my depression, and that is depressing.

Fortunately I have felt really bored lately. The computer isn't providing me with the escape I want, quite the opposite, I am feeling the desire to escape my computer. Some great news is yesterday, I felt like the same girl at home as I feel like at work. Usually I feel like a happy, smart, pretty girl at work, but when I get home I feel like a hideous loser. Yesterday I was able to see that I am a happy, smart, pretty girl behaving the way a hideous loser does. That needs to stop.

So the biggest step has to be my room. It was clean when I dated Alan, and that was a revelation to me. I LOVED being the girl with the clean room (when it is clean it is very pretty, I have a cute international decorating style)

Lets try cleaning it now instead of laying on my back reading online gossip.

Bitter

I had "Sexual Intelligence" hosted by Kim Catrall on HBO on in the background. It was such a nice show, I had a warm fuzzy feeling the whole time it was on, until they talked about orgasms.

The people started to talk about having orgasms with their partners. I never have had one with a partner, I have never even gotten close with a partner! I am jealous and angry about that.

I think that I really screwed myself up by losing my virginity so young. Mix that with a father who my mother obviously shouldn't have chosen and I am far too unwilling to let go of control, to allow myself to relax enough to have an orgasm. I am physically able to have them, many of them, but not with a partner. I can't even give myself one while with a partner.

If I write much more about this I feel like I could cry, but I am far too tired to write much longer. I am so sad, I just can't really let anyone in. I really can't get myself to trust anyone. I did trust Charles, but he let me down, and when it happened, that little voice in my head said "of course." My idea of a man is my dad, who let me down when I was very fragile, so I can't comprehend a strong man who would not fall apart when times got rough.

I am not writing any more because I am tired. But that sucks. I think I deserve love and orgasms. I think everyone does.

On a happier note...

I am feeling so sad and anxious right now, it's time for a distraction.

I have expressed my feelings about Scientology and cults, about how I could have been at risk in the past, well now I am at risk again...I have found my charasmatic leader

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=116218060

The best part has to be the knitted stuffed uterus.

Also:

http://www.vaginapower.info/

The Virginia Tech Shootings, Mental Illness, Fear

A strange loner with an obsession with Jesus, known for harrassing girls. Sounds familiar to me, ewwwww.

I told a story last month about a guy trying to give me Jesus literature. I have seen him a number of times, he has given me Jesus literature before, he had this long face with sunken cheeks and large strange eyes. After thinking about it that day, I remembered a strange experience in the grocery store, where a man with a strange long sunken face came up to me, stood in my personal space, and started talking to me. (I can't remember, but I may have asked him to not stand in my personal space, again, I don't remember)

I remember months later walking through the University library, and seeing a warning posted on the door with a picture of this same man with a long face and sunken in cheeks. He had been harrassing campus girls, I felt shaken about my experience with him, and grateful it didn't lead to more.

So after seeing this killer, and seeing that he had many warning signs, suddenly the guy I met, who's face turned blank when I rejected his literature, seems like more than an oddball. He doesn't have an eccentric vibe. He has a heavy vibe.

I haven't seen the long faced man at my gym since that night. I am not going to be afraid to go there, even if he's there, but I have to be honest when I say that I feel some genuine fear thinking about him. There are people like this Cho, who have fallen through society's safety net (not even to protect the public, but to protect the severely mentally ill) and I feel like I can say confidently that the long faced man is one of them.

Wow, what I am feeling right now is real, it's not paranoia. That's just awful.

*Afterthought* I think I might have a nightmare tonight. I had security training class at work today also. That is a lot of anxiety for one day.

My baby is going home

Sweetie Sanjaya is going home.

Thats okay, he has star quality. He is more than a Willam Hung