Porn Ruins Sex

I was just online searching for some *ahem* "stimulating material" and I was just struck by how terrible porn is.

Here's the scenerio, you take some naturally pretty girls who want to be famous, have a drug problem and/or are a single mother, desperate for money. For this money and attention they are willing to bleach the hair on their head, wax the rest of it off, starve themselves and have things surgically added or removed, put on skimpy clothes and snarl in front of the camera. If their drug habit or need for attention is serious enough they will show off their wax job and have sex for the cameras. Since the people paying the photographers are men, the women will be posed like they are vessles that hold the vagina and breasts, which are displayed prominently, ready for use.

Since this porn is so redily available anonymously and free online, men are using it as a regular source of "stimulation." If the men are started out young looking at this stuff, these are what they are conditioning themselves to be turned on by. Mix in a few strippers and TV shows with only women who look like this, and the men start getting it in their heads that this is normal, and an average woman, pretty, but who's got more important things to think about than only being appealing to men, is considered less attractive than normal.

And you would think that this means things are good for the girls who's first goal is to be appealing to men, but it's quite the opposite. When you look like that men will "like" you no matter what kind of person you are. If you are attractive they will proposition to you, as if you would ever be interested in them, and they will behave as if they are willing to do you the favor of letting you satisfy them.

Porn ruins sex. This whole "hook-up" culture was just coming into fruition when I was in college, and I practiced it. Far from "free-love" it is extremely lonely, you have the affection for one night, but you have to be very calculated the day after, being sure not to be too affectionate, and be prepared to be treated with less respect than you would treat an average person, instead of a little mutual appreciation for giving each other some fun.

And now the younger generation has this "hook-up culture" as their dating scene. What a tragedy! Women's sexuality is being completely ignored in this type of culture. It disgusts me because in my fantasies, the world is a very sexually open place, where we can all just have sex with each-other instead of having wars. But the way things are is so perverted and twisted, instead of connecting with eachother we are coldly, mechanically, stimulating each-others genitals to produce orgasms. Instead of having love affairs we have "fuck-buddies."

I don't know how I will raise my children to view sex. I want them to feel its clean and natural, but I dont want them participating in a culture where sex is void of all emotion. Who knows, maybe fraternities will be outlawed by then.

HILARIOUS SIDE NOTE: After washing my "assiting device" I put it somewhere to dry and couldn't find it. That would be embarrassing if I forgot about it

Summoning the Domestic Goddess

Oh god! Yesterday morning I got up at nine and cleaned the hell out of my room. I got tired around 1PM and then pretty much quit around 3:30. I thought that was fine, that I would rest for the rest of the day, and then start up again this morning on a rampage. But I'm not on a rampage. I am a lazy bum.

This is my problem, the house is moderately neat, and I am ready to quit. If I quit cleaning when the house is moderately neat, it will never be CLEAN. I want my house to be CLEAN. I want it to look like this again. And I want to give keeping it that way a try. I am so tired of having a messy house. I am so tired of not being able to find things. I am so tired of going on vacation, or on a trip for work, and being sad to be home. My apartment is very nice, it's the way I keep it that is depressing.

Okay, this post is inspiring me. And according to the picture, I have been on Risperdal for 2 years, not one. All the more reason to go off it now, I am used to being calmer, so it should be an easier transition to go off of it. Besides being crabbier and hornier I have barely noticed the reduced risperdal, and that was during withdrawl symptoms. I feel optimistic.

Okay, lets give this cleaning thing a try.

Happy Pride!

I missed the Pride parade today. Thats okay, I had a good day, I have been cleaning my disaster of a room since 9AM today. I am pretty tired right now, and I still have more to do, but I do feel good about how much I have accomplished.

It's so weird. I had about 4 boxes of stuff to sort through, during very anxious times this seems like an impossible feat, but today it was just fine, it went by surprisingly fast. The trick was I took the stuff out of his room the night before.

Happy Pride!

Farmers Tan

I spent 2 weeks in Africa and when did I get a sunburn? Here at home in the North of the US! I have a rediculous farmer's burn on my arms from shopping at a neighborhood garage sale in a nearby suburb.

Have I blogged about Hafiz yet? I didn't blog about Uganda much at all did I? I guess I was spending my time being there instead of blogging about it, I really owe it to myself to blog some of my memories from there.

Well one of my best memories was going to the orphans primary school. There is a lot to say but since it is 1:25AM I will just say there was one orphan with a green shirt on who just shined. Jennifer was teaching the kids camp songs, and he participated and had a great time. He was 13 but with no attitude. When we left we both commented on him, and I couldn't get him out of my mind. In the US he would be the class president, the validictorian, but where he was he may not even get to go to college.

I asked Joseph if the kids from the orphan school go to University. Joseph said "thats our goal" I asked if he went to government school if he'd have a higher chance of going to University and he said yes. Fast forward to today, I am Hafiz's sponsor. So today I bought a lot of stuff for Hafiz' family at the garage sale. Unfortunately it might be a waste of money to ship it all.

There has been so much to blog about. I wish so much I was blogging more right now, so I can remember this amazing time in my life, but I suppose I was barely blogging when I was dating Charles either, and that was an amazing time of my life too.

Speaking of dating, Saaed called me today. According to him "Jasmine" was meant for me. He always says "hello beautiful, or hello sunshine, or hello georgeous" so according to him "Jasmine" was another nickname for me "a flower that blooms at night." He was convincing but he had 2 days to come up with a story.

Maybe (probably) my gut is correct, but if not, then I am pushing away a really hot and sweet guy. But come on, if my intuition is telling me something, then there is probably something there. But maybe I am full of anxiety about him because he could hurt me if I let myself develop feelings, because I would fall in love, even deeper then with Charles, who I wasn't physically hot for. And I am still smarting from the failure of the Charles relationship, so any new relationship would be hard.

Apparently he will be back on Monday. I have told him I think he is a ladies man, and his response was "what do you think?" to which I said, "Uh...I think you are a ladies man" If he's not then I sound like such a dork, and if he is then I sound like a dork. I just cant win can I?

Maybe I will give him a chance (if I can allow myself to) just so I don't regret it in the end. My prediction is he is a player, and I will be able to say "I told you so" in the end. Or worse, what if he is infatuated with me and my citizenship. I dont know what it is, I just cant let my guard down with him. I want so much for him to be sincere, though, because he is very sweet and very hot.

Time for bed. Funny story, I thought my roommate was out of town so I emptied out my bedroom into the living room and she came home. At least I left her a voicemail telling her I was going to.

Saaed is a player

You already know that my intuition sent up red flags the other night when talking to Saaed about his night on the town, and now I just recieved a text message from him saying "Hi Jasmine."

Maybe Jasmine is an affectionate term in pakistan, yeah right.

It's not like he's doing anything wrong, we arent commited, but I think it is safe to say that a commitment isn't on it's way either, and would I trust him enough now anyway?

I have to remember, he also woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me, the first time was fine, but the second time he knew I didn't want to be bothered and needed my sleep.

I worry that I am going to be just too jaded to fall in love again. How can I get excited about anyone? Its not that I think love is impossible, Im just not holding my breath, and I think that my bad attitude keeps me form caring. Nah, not giving a shit is the way a girl gets a guy right?

I don't even feel hurt, just annoyed.

Risperdal tapering, day 5

I shouldn't be writing this right now, I have to get ready for work. It's 2:30PM, I have been taking a nap since noon. I guess I am really tired after getting little sleep for the last 3 days. I am curious if the Risperdal tapering is part of it too.

Last night I had the greatest reward for tapering the risperdal, my sex drive is coming back, and I was able to accomplish sensations and intensity with my hand that since being on risperdal I could only accomplish with a vibrator, and to a much lesser degree. I am so grateful to have that back.

And I have a theory. Right now I am baby crazy, I mean baby crazy. In my head I even thought "I can commit to a baby, but I am not sure I can commit to a man, maybe I should adopt without a man." Today I was looking at a gossip site, and in seeing these pictures of Zahata Jolie Pitt, I just filled with happiness. I was so happy to see that little girl smile. My theory is: Risperdal has raised my prolactin, causing my breasts to produce milk. I am sure the prolactin hormone makes a woman want to bond with a child, so I am HUNGRY to bond with a child...my hormones are telling me to!

It makes sense. This year I became baby crazy. When I started this blog I was convinced I would be a bad mother because of my upbringing, my therapist intensly disabused me of that notion, and once I opened my mind to having children, I was able to see how much I wanted them. I also was in a relationship with a man I loved, so I could picture having kids, and I havent gotten the idea of myself as a mother out of my head. Well, all of this happened to happen when I was taking Risperdal, and my prolactin levels were increased. Hmm. Plus lets not forget the ticking clock.

Well off to get ready, I only have 20 minutes now, oops!

Day 3 & 4 of reduced Risperdal

Besides having a hard time functioning before coffee this morning I have been fine today, even cheery, but last night was a different story.

Instead of calling the new guy Saddiq I am going to call him Saaed. I went straight to Saaed's from work, planning to spend the night, fuck his brains out, and head back to work in the morning. As we walked to his place he said "you should have been there Saturday" (he went to a club) I said what happened? And he didn't have much to say. All of a sudden Ice Queen took over me. I was smiling on the outside, but in the inside I was thinking "that fucker! I am having sex with him and he is picking up chicks"

I took a shower while he made dinner and I was fuming in there! But why? He's not my boyfriend and who's to say I wouldn't date another person if I was asked out. What I felt like was a fool. I felt like he is using me for sex, he is a sweet talker and smoothie and I am just a notch in his bedpost. I decided to go home. I REALLY didn't want to have sex, not feeling cheap and stupid like this.

I got out of the shower and told him my plan. I said I will go home after dinner because I want to sleep tonight "get it? SLEEP" I said. He said I should stay, and I could sleep. I thought "good- I got out of having sex." He was embracing me and kissing me and I was just stiff, I didn't want him touching me. I said "I'm going to lay down on the couch, wake me up when the foods ready"

I laid down but didnt fall asleep. I realized that the way I was thinking is the definition of "a psycho" what people call their exes. No, I was not behaving psychotic but I think the word means, when discussing dating, people who act irrational. I realized if a guy were to be the same way (if he told me about it- I didn't tell Saaed what was going on inside my head) that I would find it unacceptable. So I chilled out and enjoyed the evening.

Before bed I told him "No groping before 5AM" (when I spent the night last week he started initiating things in the middle of the night) Well when the sun was not out yet I woke up and just wrapped my arms around him affectionatly. Next thing I know he is wrapped around me, on top of me, taking of my underwear. I asked "what time is it?" he said "time to have some fun" I said "no fun before 5" and he said "I think it's 5." I let him have sex with me, though I didn't participate much. Afterwards I checked the clock, it was 4:30. I called him on it and he said "It's almost 5" what a fucker.

In the end, my extreme jealousy (likely increased by losing the Risperdal) is really stupid. Lets face it, he's not a boyfriend he's a lover. We don't have flowing conversations, they are mostly about how beautiful I am or how our day was. (favorite subjects of mine.) I am sure I will lose interest in him once the novelty of having sex with such a great looking guy wears off.

In the end, I want to love Charles again. I really do. I saw him the other day and videotaped him, and watching the videotape makes me smile. He is back in Kenya for 2 months now, his mom is sick, I hope she doesn't die. He is pretty rude, he keeps trying to get me to kiss him, I need to be more forceful about stopping him, instead of laughing it off as a joke. Let's be real here, I am stringing him along. My words say "we are over- time to move on" but my body language (and heart) says "wait for me to get these other guys out of my system- then we can get married." Thing is, as long as he is bugging me for kisses, I don't want him, I can't imagine wanting him back until he backs off and gives me my personal space. I think it's me that needs to move on.

Wish me luck as the withdrawl continues!

Risperdal tapering, problem #1

12:58AM Atlantic time

This is my first time in the atlantic time zone, very exciting if the day wasn’t so shitty

Now I am tasting the feeling of reduced risperdal when a stressor is involved. My airline has instituted a new carryon policy (the old one was bad enough) saying a person can bring one carryon onboard, and a purse counts as this carryon. There was a scary man who was yelling and in a rage, I didn't deny him boarding because I didn't think he would actually hurt me, but that didn't stop me from being afraid of him, and I was really upset for the whole flight, and had to hold back tears. I felt like I used to feel before I started Risperdal, really overwhelmed.

I have to learn how not to carry stress from past events (the scary man) or the future (future scary men) into the present. There are no scary men right now, so I shouldn’t be worried about them until it happens. I have had the habit of being anxious about events that could happen in the future. This is a lesson I learned on risperdal, and one I should carry with me as I go off of it.

UPDATE:

Some good news is according to what I have read, there are withdrawl symptoms from going off risperdal, so maybe the level of anxiety I am experiencing is not what I will face in the future. I have rebounded from the anxiety I experienced yesterday (I write this at 1PM the next day) so maybe I have un-learned some anxiety-disorder behaviors.

Wish me luck!

I just ran!

I decided to go for a walk today because I got too lazy to go on a tourist trip. But I did some running too! I ran up a hill and walked down it 5 times. It was great! I havent been motivated to run for quite some time, I assumed it's because I am aging, but maybe it was the Risperdal!

I can see that the Risperdal, while it helped me so much, wasn't 100% good. There were some things I lost when taking it, some of my energy, my sex drive, my metabolism, and ambition.

Wow, as I type this my hands are shaking a bit, I bet that is withdrawl. Oh well, I feel like a million bucks right now!

Horray! I'm HORNY!

A great thing just happened, I was sitting in a straddle position, digging through my suitcase, and suddenly I was thinking about sex! Yes! I am an animal monkey freak! Like before! And just think this, I have only been on a half dose for 2 days! Imagine me a few weeks into having no risperdal at all! I will be a sex machine! Back to the old Diana!

Also, I watched the movie "Roll Bounce" this morning, a movie with cool little dance moves, and afterwards I jumped up in front of the mirror and started dancing! I used to do that in high school! I was thinking about how I want to become an expert in something, like something physical. I contemplated taking a hip hop dance class, but then thought of how funny that would look. I thought I should really keep up with the current dances, and then when I am 60 I can be a "dancing granny" that people hire for novelty on TV shows and at parties.

So risperdal calmed my anxiety, but it also calmed my excitement. I think it was totally worth it, it was very helpful in therapy and learning how to change my thinking, but maybe this will be good. I sure hope so.

Day one of reduced risperdal dose

Day one has gone ok so far. I was supposed to cut down to a half dose, but instead I slept with no dose, I cut the pills but forgot to take them. I woke up a few times this morning, but the upside to that is it wasn't hard to get up. I took the pills once I noticed I missed them.

I do feel different, in some ways better. I feel more tense for sure, but I also feel more emotional. When I was recounting the story about crying when the orphans were singing, I wanted to cry again. Being emotional might be uncomfortable, but the ability to cry is good, and maybe getting off risperdal will help with that.

I'm going to make an effort to try to lose weight, since risperdal makes you gain weight. I am hopeful that will be a bright spot in the sadness of losing risperdal. I am also excited to get my sex drive back! Especially with Saddiq in my life.

One thing I am concerned about is my teeth are clenching more, I am going to have to use my night guard now I think.

I have made some rules for myself to transition getting off of risperdal. I am no longer going to allow myself any "self improvement." The desire to "improve" myself just suggests I am not good enough. For now on, anytime I feel the urge to "improve" myself I am going to just say "You are good enough as you are." Then eating well, cleaning, excercising, will just be things that make me happy, gifts to myself, not dues that I have to pay to be acceptable. I am going to dedicate my time to making myself happy and healthy, helping others, practicing good morals, and taking care of myself will all make me happy and healthy, a better way to look at them than the only things that can redeem a slouch like me.

I have more on the scrap of paper I wrote this post on, but I am too tired to go on. I may update this tomorrow.

I feel afraid

One side effect of risperdal is weight gain. I have dealt with that. A weirder side effect of risperdal is lactating breasts, I freaked out a little, and then dealt with that. But a very scary side effect is called Tardive Diskinesia, which is an involuntary twitching of some muscles, which is caused by the use of antipsychotic medications (this may be where the "twitch" stereotype of mentally ill people comes from.)

I have had a twitching muscle here or there since starting risperdal, but we all get a fluttery muscle now and then. However, in the last month or so my cheek did twitch a little, and a teeny teeny muscle in my lip was twitching too. This was enough that I thougt I ought to call my psychiatrist about, but today my thumb started twitching involuntarily, at like 1 PM- its almost 10 and its still doing it. I looked up TD online today and got really scared. This could be really happening to me. I need to get off of risperdal.

Oh risperdal, sweet risperdal, it has given me my life back. I am such a nearly normal person with risperdal. I have been looking at going back to school, been excited about reading a lot of books, and have started a relationship with a very handsome man. And now I am going to lose this medication that has helped me so much. I feel so sad to have to go back to feeling like I did.

I called my psychiatrist and waited for what felt like ages for him to call back. But he did and I told him my situation. He said I should come in and see him. I mentioned that I want to get off of risperdal no matter what, because I am too afraid of TD, mixed with all the other side effects. He sounded not supportive, but delighted. He made it sound like me wanting to get off of the risperdal was a great leap in my progress. I suppose if your psychiatrist thinks its "wonderful" that you want to stop taking a medication, then it must be an okay thing to do.

I am so scared. I don't want to go back to having a record player in my head saying the same things OVER and OVER, stupid things about the house not being clean enough, me not being married, me not having a degree, and people not liking me. I dont want to hear that anymore! I want to relax and read books! I want to go for leisurely walks. I want to spend time with friends without thinking about getting home and cleaning the house!

This year and a half has tought me what it feels like to be healthy. Maybe I can recognize when my thoughts arent healthy now, and learn to ignore them, I sure hope so. And there is a lot to be excited about, like losing weight, having better memory, and maybe being more emotional. Oh, and getting more of my sex drive back, without the milky boobs.

I assume I will want to write again soon.

Lonely

I just went on a date with the man I will call Sadiq. He's so cute, so affectionate, so nice, but I am finding it hard to connect with him. He invited me up to his apartment today, but I will see him tomorrow (and I'm tired) so I decided not to go. The moment was uncomfortable, so I decided to call him and talk to him as I drove home.

It is too difficult to get him to say much. The things I can finally draw out of him arent very detailed anyway.

I am tired as fuck. I am going to bed now instead of moping.

I keep thinking about Charles, I feel as if I already married him, but I forget, he left me looking like an absolute fool for 5 months. I am holding on to something that wasn't the real thing. He claims he made a mistake and can learn from it but some mistakes you cant make if your really invested in a relationship.

I swear I wont die alone. I will find someone. Sadiq is proof. He is showing me that I can get near perfection. If I can get near perfection like him, then I am doing okay. God he is good looking.

Dear Blog,

Why dont I want to turn to you anymore? You have helped me through so much, in fact, you have helped me become the person I am right now, so why would I give up on a good thing?

Maybe it's because I want to break from the life I had before Uganda, full of lonliness and isolation. Maybe I have reached the level where I don't need the crutch of the blog to coax me into living my life. Maybe I am not-depressed enough that moments of happiness arent as few and far between, so they don't stay in my mind as much as they used to.

I also am coming out of my shell now, I don't live inside my own head as much. When I was inside my own head my writing was so good, because it was like I was able to imprint my thoughts right onto the computer, but now I have moved my life out of my brain and into my home, and am starting to live outside my home too, so there is so much more activity in my brain, so I am not as good at capturing thoughts and transferring them to the page.

I won't give up on you blog, I owe you so much. You not only have helped me work out my feelings, you are an amazing record of the life I lead. If now my life is going very well I want to return and enjoy it in the future. Just as my mom's diarys gave me a window into her mind after she died, you could give my children a window into my mind after I die. Wouldn't I want them to see the joy in my life, not just the sorrow?

I am contemplating making a public myspace that I will show to my friends and family. Maybe part of the reason I am not as into blogging is I want to connect with the people in my life the way I have with myself and the readers of this blog. I have used this blog to inspire me to live a life exciting enough to blog about, how much more inspiring would it be to try to live a life exiting enough to share with my family and friends.

I will always value you though blog, you introduced me to myself, and I am very grateful.

CHEM-IS-TRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my god!

The date went well. But more than that- it ENDED really well. Kissing him was like- oh! I kissed him for less than a minute, and I can feel panties soaking. OH MY GOD!

He is very handsome, he has written papers on womens rights and sexual orientation, and he has set birds free. He is too good to be true really. And he seems to think I am this really good person. And he thinks I am beautiful. And did I mention how he turned me on?

I am not excited, just "excited." How can I get my hopes up? Well all I am required to do is appreciate the present moment, so that is what I will do

Date tonight

I have fallen back into my old patterns. My self-esteem and energy from my trip have been sucked away by being in my house. I wonder if I hired a housekeeper just one time if it would help change the way this place feels.

I am going on a date with the man who asked me out before my online date in early may. He seems nice, smart, and very flattering. Unfortunately he is Pakistani. Racist? Xenophobic? maybe, or maybe just gunshy. I just want to be with someone who is playing with the same set of rules as I am. What happened with Charles was just the worst. Any American would know better than to do that, they also would work harder to satisfy me in bed. I am so fearful of being hurt again, in fact, I am not looking for love, I am looking for companionship.

He should be here around now. I will publish the post and check that I have everything. I just heard a car door shut. Caio

Home

I'm home and a bit sad to be back to my boring, depressing life.

But I don't have to be back to my boring, depressing life. I can choose to change it.

Still Here!

(Sent to Family and Friends via e-mail)

Guess what Everyone!

I got stuck in Entebbe! I was 100% sure I would be able to get on, and I didn't! A mechanic for Air Canada was trying to get on too, and we chatted, he told me his wife and him were starting a resort and I said "I will stay there tonight" come to find out it isn't finished yet, and they arent charging me! They are both really cool and I love their kids and pets. The resort is amazing! I am having so much fun!

The day before yesterday I went to the Botanical Gardens in Entebbe. After I paid and walked in a man came after me and told me he was a volunteer tour guide for the garden. I was pleased to have someone explain things to me, and he did. I got to eat cinnamon bark right off the tree and videotape large shy monkeys. It was great. At the end of the walk the man told me that it is customary for me to pay him. I said "how much?" he said "only 10,000 shillings (like $6) I gave him 2,000 shillings (it cost 3,000 only to get into the park) and he said "no thats not enough." I told him no, since he didn't tell me at the beginning. maybe I should heve continued to be a volunteer tour guide at the Walker, and at the end inform everyone that they had to give me $15.

I am hoping that I, and my new friend John will be able to leave here on the next flight to London, on the 2nd. If not, I will see you all in a week or so!

XOXOXO
Diana