On a half dose of Risperdal I am overwhelmed by anger. I am angry at the rudeness of people, I am angry at the leaders for their greed and willingess to kill innocent people. I am angry that my dad chose tequila instead of taking care of me when I had no one else in the world. I am angry that men's brains are wired to understand systems, instead of understanding people, and are so selfishly focused on competing with, instead of helping their fellow human beings. I am angry that the American economic system is stimulated by people and the enviroment being exploited. I am overwhelmed by anger, and that makes me angry. Can you imagine what it will be like when I have no Risperdal at all?
But then there is the flipside. Risperdal is raising my prolactin levels, and so I think my hormones are telling me I need a family. I want a family so desperately. I want to be madly in love with the father so the kids have a stable, healthy home to grow up in. This is nearly impossible in the condition I am in, I am angry and bitter, and at the same time have marriage and kids overtaking my mind. A lethal combination that will scare off any person, especially a man.
I think I will have to go off 100%, because going back on could give me tardive dyskinesia and diabetes, and of course a fat ass. Maybe my personality will be unattractive to men, but at least I won't want one so desperately. (And unless I get a better job, I can't afford a child on my own)
OH! That should really be my new life plan. To get a good paying job, so I can afford to adopt a parentless child. A man should not be in my life plan. It should only be a bonus if it happens, but I should no longer hope for it.
Yeah, I'll stop taking it.
Showing posts with label Withdrawl. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Withdrawl. Show all posts
Monday, July 02, 2007
Friday, June 29, 2007
Two weeks on a half dose of Risperdal...Should I stop altogether?
I have been depressed on and off for the last few days, including suicidal ideation. It is time now for me to stop taking Risperdal altogether (after talking to my Psychiatrist first) and I feel iffy about it.
I just HATE being anxious, and the anxiety just makes me depressed right away. Who knew? I am just so sensitive to the littlest bits of stress. It's terrible.
I think that part of the problem is my thinking patterns, I feel anxious or depressed and then I "globalize" it, meaning I extend my moment of discomfort into my whole life, and I assume my whole life will feel the way I am feeling at that moment, and I get more depressed. I also have been feeling awful after being dumped, I was dumped because I flew off the handle, and that makes me feel like an undesirable partner, which makes me think I will die alone and then of course I feel depressed then (can you see these unhealthy patterns? I feel tense because the canada dry is in the back of the cart and therefore I will die alone!)
I am hoping I can stave off a permanent depression by deep breathing, working out more (and tracking my Weight Watchers points- 3 days so far!) And socializing more. I also plan to do the well respected "Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" And I am definately going back to therapy.
But I am still mad. When I get anxious like this I get so stuck in the feelings of unfairness. Maybe I wouldn't be this anxious if I had a mom. Maybe I wouldn't be this anxious if my dad wasn't drunk my whole adolecence. Why did I have to get punished with this brain chemistry when my life was already so shitty?
Maybe I will stay at a half dose of risperdal until the bottle runs out. Otherwise it will go to waste anyways. I will ask my doctor.
I am hopeful for the best. I cant say I haven't grown in the last 2 years at all, that it was just the Risperdal helping me, so I can't say I will go back to being like I was. I just hope I can get married and have a family one day. I don't want to be an outsider anymore. I want what everyone else has.
I just HATE being anxious, and the anxiety just makes me depressed right away. Who knew? I am just so sensitive to the littlest bits of stress. It's terrible.
I think that part of the problem is my thinking patterns, I feel anxious or depressed and then I "globalize" it, meaning I extend my moment of discomfort into my whole life, and I assume my whole life will feel the way I am feeling at that moment, and I get more depressed. I also have been feeling awful after being dumped, I was dumped because I flew off the handle, and that makes me feel like an undesirable partner, which makes me think I will die alone and then of course I feel depressed then (can you see these unhealthy patterns? I feel tense because the canada dry is in the back of the cart and therefore I will die alone!)
I am hoping I can stave off a permanent depression by deep breathing, working out more (and tracking my Weight Watchers points- 3 days so far!) And socializing more. I also plan to do the well respected "Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" And I am definately going back to therapy.
But I am still mad. When I get anxious like this I get so stuck in the feelings of unfairness. Maybe I wouldn't be this anxious if I had a mom. Maybe I wouldn't be this anxious if my dad wasn't drunk my whole adolecence. Why did I have to get punished with this brain chemistry when my life was already so shitty?
Maybe I will stay at a half dose of risperdal until the bottle runs out. Otherwise it will go to waste anyways. I will ask my doctor.
I am hopeful for the best. I cant say I haven't grown in the last 2 years at all, that it was just the Risperdal helping me, so I can't say I will go back to being like I was. I just hope I can get married and have a family one day. I don't want to be an outsider anymore. I want what everyone else has.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Anxiety Depression Link
This is exactly why I post my diary online. Because there are things that I discover along the way that could help someone else going through the same things.
I have learned that pressuring myself to do something doesn't work, but I am observing how much this is true.
This morning I had to leave at 8:55AM, and I couldn't get myself to get out of bed, even at 8:49, and I desperately needed a shower. I knew at that moment I was feeling depressed, and that disappoints and confuses me (I am tapering an anti anxiety medicine, not anti depressant)
So I thought about calling in sick. I knew that if I did it right away I would be calling 2 hours prior to my showtime and so would not get a miss-trip. Well then I realized, 2 hours? But I only need one hour to get to work, I didn't have to leave until 9:55!
My depression was suddenly gone, I was able to get out of bed. I was unable to get out of bed 1 minute ago when I was feeling anxious, but once the anxiety was gone, I was able to get up! So the anxiety and depression are closely linked! Maybe I need to relax myself during depressed times and the depression may lift.
"Why Zebra's dont get Ulcers" is a great book that touches on this connection.
Okay, I now have 10 minutes before I need to go- but no pressure!
I have learned that pressuring myself to do something doesn't work, but I am observing how much this is true.
This morning I had to leave at 8:55AM, and I couldn't get myself to get out of bed, even at 8:49, and I desperately needed a shower. I knew at that moment I was feeling depressed, and that disappoints and confuses me (I am tapering an anti anxiety medicine, not anti depressant)
So I thought about calling in sick. I knew that if I did it right away I would be calling 2 hours prior to my showtime and so would not get a miss-trip. Well then I realized, 2 hours? But I only need one hour to get to work, I didn't have to leave until 9:55!
My depression was suddenly gone, I was able to get out of bed. I was unable to get out of bed 1 minute ago when I was feeling anxious, but once the anxiety was gone, I was able to get up! So the anxiety and depression are closely linked! Maybe I need to relax myself during depressed times and the depression may lift.
"Why Zebra's dont get Ulcers" is a great book that touches on this connection.
Okay, I now have 10 minutes before I need to go- but no pressure!
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Cheer me on!
Guess what?
Last night I took my Weight Watchers paperwork out and put it on my vanity. Today I have started tracking my points again, and I am about to go back to the gym after months and months.
I want control of my life. I want to live a different life. I am so lucky to live in a country with the sanitation, safety and opportunities that I am offered, so I need to kick this depression and live the life I would have had if my mom hadn't died.
I am psyched! Especially to imagine that the weight might come off easier now that I will be off Risperdal. It is exciting to imagine! Oh! And I learned that I am at the same weight as when I stopped Weight Watchers. I did get down to 184 when I was working out a little more (this is around the Alan time) but now I am back up to 187. Not bad! I feel so optimistic!
Wish me luck! (again)
Last night I took my Weight Watchers paperwork out and put it on my vanity. Today I have started tracking my points again, and I am about to go back to the gym after months and months.
I want control of my life. I want to live a different life. I am so lucky to live in a country with the sanitation, safety and opportunities that I am offered, so I need to kick this depression and live the life I would have had if my mom hadn't died.
I am psyched! Especially to imagine that the weight might come off easier now that I will be off Risperdal. It is exciting to imagine! Oh! And I learned that I am at the same weight as when I stopped Weight Watchers. I did get down to 184 when I was working out a little more (this is around the Alan time) but now I am back up to 187. Not bad! I feel so optimistic!
Wish me luck! (again)
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Risperdal tapering, problem #1
12:58AM Atlantic time
This is my first time in the atlantic time zone, very exciting if the day wasn’t so shitty
Now I am tasting the feeling of reduced risperdal when a stressor is involved. My airline has instituted a new carryon policy (the old one was bad enough) saying a person can bring one carryon onboard, and a purse counts as this carryon. There was a scary man who was yelling and in a rage, I didn't deny him boarding because I didn't think he would actually hurt me, but that didn't stop me from being afraid of him, and I was really upset for the whole flight, and had to hold back tears. I felt like I used to feel before I started Risperdal, really overwhelmed.
I have to learn how not to carry stress from past events (the scary man) or the future (future scary men) into the present. There are no scary men right now, so I shouldn’t be worried about them until it happens. I have had the habit of being anxious about events that could happen in the future. This is a lesson I learned on risperdal, and one I should carry with me as I go off of it.
UPDATE:
Some good news is according to what I have read, there are withdrawl symptoms from going off risperdal, so maybe the level of anxiety I am experiencing is not what I will face in the future. I have rebounded from the anxiety I experienced yesterday (I write this at 1PM the next day) so maybe I have un-learned some anxiety-disorder behaviors.
Wish me luck!
This is my first time in the atlantic time zone, very exciting if the day wasn’t so shitty
Now I am tasting the feeling of reduced risperdal when a stressor is involved. My airline has instituted a new carryon policy (the old one was bad enough) saying a person can bring one carryon onboard, and a purse counts as this carryon. There was a scary man who was yelling and in a rage, I didn't deny him boarding because I didn't think he would actually hurt me, but that didn't stop me from being afraid of him, and I was really upset for the whole flight, and had to hold back tears. I felt like I used to feel before I started Risperdal, really overwhelmed.
I have to learn how not to carry stress from past events (the scary man) or the future (future scary men) into the present. There are no scary men right now, so I shouldn’t be worried about them until it happens. I have had the habit of being anxious about events that could happen in the future. This is a lesson I learned on risperdal, and one I should carry with me as I go off of it.
UPDATE:
Some good news is according to what I have read, there are withdrawl symptoms from going off risperdal, so maybe the level of anxiety I am experiencing is not what I will face in the future. I have rebounded from the anxiety I experienced yesterday (I write this at 1PM the next day) so maybe I have un-learned some anxiety-disorder behaviors.
Wish me luck!
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