My Computer, and I, are back to life

I have so much to write, and on my newly repaired computer I could write for hours, but there is so much to say, too much, so I will just start from today.

I am just happy in my life. Very happy. No boyfriend, no big deal (though some sex would be REAL nice! Oh my god I miss it, and it's been a LONG time!) But minus the sex, just about everything is great.

I have gained back the 6 pounds I had lost, my room is still messy, but thats just things I will have to deal with I guess.

I just have energy (too much really!) so even though I am not everything I want to be, its no big deal, I have the energy to work towards it, I feel like I am moving forward.

I have been shopping (ALOT!) which is a GREAT sign. I have been checked for Bipolar disorder, and know that I don't have it, so this shopping I have been doing is a sign of health. I have been buying things for myself, meaning I find myself worthy of nice things. But, in spite of the amount of shopping I have been doing, I have practiced amazing restraint! See, my grandpa has decided to give me my mother's inheritance, and so he sends out money every year to shrink it down. Well he just sent out a check. (FYI, this contentment came BEFORE the check- cool huh?) I put most of the money to pay off my car (I only owe $2000 now!) paid off my credit card, and decided to allow myself $500 to buy clothes. I have been wearing mostly goodwill clothes for the past 5+ years so I have decided to upgrade my wardrobe to Target (hey big spender!)

Buying clothes for myself has been so fun. I have gotten very basic things, very simple style, with little trends mixed in to feel current. I have bought some very sexy heels, for wearing out, but I don't know how much more I will be going out, because I haven't heard from Kelsey in awhile. We'll see. Anyway, it feels so good to buy things, and to trust myself that I will not go overboard in spending, even when I have the money.

Really its like I'm becoming the old Diana again. And folks, I am talking REALLY old, like high school/early college Diana, one none of you ever knew. This Diana is bubbly, charasmatic, & sexy. Think Kelly Clarkson on her auditions for American Idol, or Heather Graham, maybe a little Drew Barrymore (who someone compared me to on the plane this week) I miss that Diana, and frankly, I thought she was gone forever, I thought the world killed her, and a sadder, more jaded Diana had taken over for good. Apparantly not.

Thing is too...this is big...I don't think I am going to get seriously depressed again soon. I really think that therapy made a BIG difference. I have not feared depression for months, and I used to fear it every time I was tired or crabby. Now I just say "Im tired" or "I feel crabby right now"

This isn't a very descriptive post, it's just where I am in my life right now. I had to break the seal and post something, because otherwise the pressure would get too big, and I wouldn't post anything.

Anyway- I am wishing you heath, and happiness. If you are feeling depressed right now, look at how healthy I am (happy- not manic) and know that I am just like you, and you will be happy again too. Just believe, be patient, and take care of yourself as best you can.

MWAH- love you

I love my Grandpa

I didn't tell you this, because I was tired off my ass, but my Grandpa just sent me the most rediculous check last week. He has made the very kind choice to give me the money he would have given my mother, and as time passes he ditributes more and more.

I called him today to thank him, and we had a great conversation. He says he feels old and forgetfull, but not that he sees the end coming (a big check like this worried me) He sounded really good actually.

He made me laugh out loud, he told me a story about trying to learn the violin, but everytime he practiced the dog would leave and not come back for hours. But the best part of the conversation was, I asked him what he wanted from me, and he said he wanted me to be doing something that makes me happy, as in he supports my choice to be a flight attendant. He even was supportive when I told him I was unsure if I should go back to school or go to an airline that flies internationally. That meant so much to me.

Grandpa was the one I was most worried about being disappointed in me. He was a college professor, and education is very valued in the family. But he, like it seems everyone in the family, have been very supportive. I think they all saw how hard I took it when I dropped out of college (well, I guess I dropped out because I was suicidal, not the other way around, but I was suicidal because I knew I couldn't finiah college.) I am so grateful for their support.

Minus my dad, I am very lucky to have the family I do. They are pretty great. My dad isn't horrible either, but he really let me down when I really needed him, and I see he is trying to make it right, and he is taking care of himself, so I should be happy about that.