Embarrassing Crush

OH MY GOD! I am so pissed off. I am developing a crush on my dork of a trainer.

Not only is it cliche, and really embarrassing (He told me today he used to be a Chippendale's dancer! I laughed for at least a minute) but it is such a stupid thing to allow happen. I have met this kind of man before. He is addicted to attention. He is doing everything in his power to make me interested in him, to feed his ego, because he needs every woman to love him, and every man to want to be him. Bodybuilders are usually narcissistic by nature, so much so that they will poision their bodies with steroids to achieve an unnatural ideal. Has a lot in common with anorexia doesn't it? I am sure a big plus in getting your client attracted to you is it sells more sessions.

And to make it worse, I don't think anything he does is calculated, I think he is just caught up in self-love and doesn't realize he is doing it, so he doesn't have that "asshole" thing to make him less appealing. I know exactly what is going on because again, I have met (and fell in love with) people like him before, and...I used to be like him. I used to love to flirt like crazy with guys, because I got off on the attention, but when they asked me out I would say "I'm sorry, I'm not interested" and then whine about not being able to flirt without people liking me.

Oh, and can we forget the "save the wounded puppy dog" appeal? Naturally I feel sad for him, that he has this need for attention, and doesn't have that centeredness so he always needs external praise to fill himself up. So what is my reaction? I can be the one to save him!!! ROTFLMAO! I am HUMILIATED by how cliche, and stupid my feelings are...I am smarter than this!!!

I admit it, I am "pseudo-star" struck and attracted, while not visually, but somehow chemically to his over-developed body. And, like I feel when the pilots flirt, I am eating up the attention, and he is laying it on pretty thick (although the attention he is offering me is pretty much "you know why else you should be in love with me?...")

My newly inspired excitement is making me miss Charles. He is so grounded and down to earth in comparison to Derek. He's so normal. I wish I was physically drawn to Charles the way I am to Derek. It would help if he was more aggressive and confident. But I can't be idealizing Charles either, I have to remember that he hasn't written me much while he was gone, our relationship as it is could not sustain me forever, and considering how much the sexual attraction is making me think about Derek, I will know that cheating on Charles would be too tempting in the future.

I am nothing but a rediculous cliche