Well this will now be day three of spending half the day thinking about Derek. I sit in awe of the power of, as monkey mentioned in comments, “pheromones.” I used to have obsessive crushes in high school, but at the time I wasn’t aware of how much of a part sexuality was involved in my feelings. Now, fully aware of how this is not the man for me, and that my feelings are not rational, but mostly coming from my clitoris, I am still thinking about him constantly. What an incredible power I am witnessing! For someone to be so consumed could be a big problem. But, if appropriately channeled, this power could be used as a tool for tremendous growth!
What I am doing wrong is fantasizing about the wrong thing! Right now I am fantasizing about the active lifestyle that we will share with our children, but what I should be fantasizing about is a professional bodybuilder taking me under his wing! It’s not so far off, he likes me! He has not only given me 4 sessions for the price of two, both of the sessions so far have been an hour and a half long! When we were finished with the first session he said he could tell I used to train. He seemed really impressed when he asked me my goals, and I said my goal was to get my passion for lifting back, not some goal like “I’d like to lose 20 pounds.” He suggested he would have given me a resistance band for Christmas if I didn’t have one. And, to top it off, he was showing me his nutrition plan (for free, again) and I said “so I’m some sort of…um…” and as I fought for the word I was looking for he said a few things and he said “protégée” as one of them (In the end the term I was looking for was guinea pig.) So it was pretty exciting him using that word, although then again, he is a bodybuilder, heaven knows he may not know what the word means.
The Mentor/Protégée fantasy is a great one, because it motivates me. I can channel my crush into trying to impress him further, so in the future he is not just complimenting me on my form and communication skills, but I can make it my goal that he calls me “disciplined” or “dedicated” or something like that. I can show up regularly, be very focused and maintain good form, not complain at all, etc. Who wins out from all of this effort to impress him? Me! In all my crushitude I have already eaten wonderfully today. I had no cheese or sauce on my turkey sandwich or chicken tacos, and I had the tacos with extra lettuce instead of chips J Also, I almost went to the gym at 7 this morning! The only way I can imagine myself doing that is if my genitals were leading the way. Derek obviously is eager and willing to share his experience, how fortunate am I, as a former weight lifting enthusiast, to be the recipient of his attention!
The only things that I have to keep in mind are one, I should not let on my little crush. He is too in love with himself as it is, we don’t need to encourage him. And two, I must not, under any circumstances, ever sleep with him. I think because I am enjoying the attention so much I am overlooking the fact that he is probably a little skeevy. We cant forget the stretching incident, and the guy will not stop touching me! The funniest time was when he was telling me how it is weird being touched all the time, and he said something like “I have no desire to just grab a guys bicep like this” and he grabs my upper arm! I suppose just because I like it, doesn’t mean it isn’t sexual harassment.
So that’s my plan. I am going to maintain a very professional admiration for his accomplishments, and not let on that his ridiculous posturing is having any effect on me. I will only allow myself to daydream about him training me and being impressed with me, no sex-scenes allowed in my head or in real life. As long as I don’t sleep with him, let on my stupid crush, or buy any more sessions I will have milked this crush for all it’s worth, while still keeping my dignity intact.
UPDATE-- after 3 days of imagining him with his clothes off I googled his name and found pictures. It's not hot, its weird. And besides, what could be less sexy than someone who took steroids? Balding, big boobs, shrunken testicles, impotence and sterility. PRRRRR
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