sent

Dear Charles,

I am growing more and more upset by the minute. I have expressed to you how I felt, but it seemed you thought my frustration was about simply missing you, and having you gone. Maybe to fool myself I let myself go along with that way of seeing it, that I was “getting tired of the circumstances” but it is not the circumstances that I am upset about, it is your investment in our relationship, and possibly the nature of our relationship altogether.

My roommate has a boyfriend in Morocco. They Skype once a week and e-mail a few times a week. She has a very difficult time missing him too, but they are a part of each other’s lives. I have had long distance relationships before. The difference between them and what we have is they were actually relationships. What we have right now is not a relationship. It is “I love you” and “I miss you” over the phone once every week or two.

I know that one thing that you love about me is that I am sweet, and want to make you happy. But to think that I would accept you leaving for 5 months without any communication of substance is absurd, absolutely absurd.

At first I was almost excited about your trip. You were going to travel to a beautiful, exciting country, doing meaningful research and I, as your girlfriend, got to be in your “inner circle.” I would get to see photographs of beautiful landscape in the different villages, I would get to read stories, good and bad, about the people you met on your journeys, and I would able to be a source of support when you were feeling stressed. When my friends and family asked how you were doing I could brag about the work you were doing, and you and I would grow closer from the distance “absence makes the heart grow fonder” they say.

Instead I have felt like a nobody. I have felt like the stupid girl you have hanging on a string that is there to cheer you up when you have a chance to call, but cannot call you or have any way of getting a hold of you. Now when people ask about you, instead of feeling proud I feel embarrassed. I feel like a person who lets herself be ignored by someone who supposedly “loves“ her, but keeps on going back for more.

Every day that I don’t have any communication with you is another day I grow apart from you. I have gone through stages, and I am afraid my feelings are fading. I have lost my enthusiasm for the relationship because the only thing the relationship consists of is being alone, and 5 minutes of “I miss you a lot” is nothing.

I really feel at the end of my rope. Again, I think we should stay together until you get home, but when you do get home we are going to have to start over from the beginning and really analyze if we are meant to be a couple, or if we are meant to be friends. We have a lot of challenges. One, getting rid of the condoms did not fix our problems in bed. Two, maybe the United States isn’t where you want to live, and maybe I don’t want to leave the United States. Three, I don’t believe in spanking children, you do, that would be a big conflict in the future. But the most important of these reasons is number four: you don’t turn to me when you are under stress. You don’t turn to me or share with me at all. What is the point of a relationship if you don’t turn to your partner or share with them? We have a lot to examine.

Diana