Weakness

After a few days of feeling sad and emotional about Charles I am feeling weak, like I don't want to go through with the break up. Yes, it has gotten that far, I want to break up. I have been put off when I am obviously upset, that should be a red flag enough.

The blow off aside, heres why I think we should break up:

If I am with Charles I give up any chances of having money. I want to stay at home when I raise kids. That, mixed with the large family in Kenya he will need to support means I will always be working hard to make ends meet. I was willing to give up the possibility of having money to be with Charles, the man I love.

If I am with Charles I will probably have to move. He will be a professor, so it is unlikely he can choose what city to live in without comprimising the quality of the position. I was willing to move, and leave my family and friends to be with Charles, the man I love.

If I am with Charles I give up the chance for a hot sex life. Charles and I cross wires when it comes to sex. Sex between the two of us is "fine." I was willing to give up a hot sex life to be with Charles, the man I love.

So why would I give up financial comfort, my home, and great sex? Love. I just love him to death. I knew that I would rather be with him than be without him. But now, now there is no longer the love. Yes, a sweet "I love you" every week or so, but besides that I have seen no evidence that I am important to him. The fact that I had written two very upset e-mails, and all I have gotten from him (in 3 days) is a letter saying "I can't address your frustration for awhile" says, again, where I fit in his priority list. So what am I in the relationship for? There is nothing for me in it. Why would I sacrifice money, my city, and great sex if there isn't something to balance it out?

So if breaking up is what I want to do, then I have to be strong, and to stick to my guns. Hell, if I want to stay together with him I have to be strong and to stick to my guns, because I will have to convince him to change his behavior to be what I need. What I am fearful will happen is neither one. I am afraid he will say "I missed you so much. I was under so much stress. Please understand" and that I will just tune out my feelings so I can get the affection back that I miss so much. This is my worst pattern with guys, I am so insecure that my moments of solidity and confidence are fleeting, and I can slip into "forgiving" them when I don't, because it takes too much effort.

What worries me most about this situation is I don't know if I SHOULD stick to my guns. Maybe I should fight for the relationship. Beats the fuck out of me. If we are going to break up, this would be the best time to do it, because it would have the least impact since we have been apart for so long. I hate this, and I hate him for putting me in this situation.