OK, I will speak to him

I got a sweet text message saying he hopes that 2007 has promise and happy new year.

I think I will still break up with him, but this time not hit-and-run style at McDonalds

a HA!

I figured it out!

This new found inspiration to get in shape and upgrade myself in my life is because I am HUMILIATED by experiencing YET ANOTHER indignity at the hands of A FUCKING MAN and I am SICK OF IT!

I remember what it was like to be the one in control. When I was rocking that hot little body I had men WRAPPED AROUND MY LITTLE FINGER. It used to be my favorite little game in my early teens to put makeup on my boyfriends. Yes, it was fun to see how it would look but it was probably a power game. I loved the way I could get them to do anything I wanted.

No, I would not fuck around with that power like I did as a girl, but I would use it. I CAN'T BELIEVE I couldn't get my own boyfriend to E-MAIL ME. I am sick of this sick of this sick of this.

Mark my words people...MARK MY WORDS. I wont look as good as I did then, but motherfuckers I'm gonna look GUUUUUUUUD, and if some guy is lucky enough to get me, his ass isn't taking me for granted! NEVER AGAIN!

I exist

My crush on Muse Derek didn’t come out of nowhere, this guy started it, get these things this guy said to me…I asked him what he got for Christmas, he said he got a little cam-corder. He said he likes to make little films. And then he said…get this…”I might ask you to play a part in one.” What else did he say? Geez, I can’t remember. It may have been when I said “wow, you already have friends here?” and he told me about a former client of his who is a “true friend” who didn’t just want to hang out with him because of “who he is.” Awww, sensitive large maaaaan!

Anyway, often when my thoughts get the best of me, and I start fantasizing about Derek doing more to me than showing me excercises, I keep feeling this little disappointment. Derek, while still seeming like a really cool person, would not make a good match for me, and so fantasizing about him tends to be a disappointment, because while I am dating him in my mind, I keep knowing that I have taken a step backwards.

I sort of question how great this crush is, because I realize what I am doing by having it, I am completely distracting myself from my reality with Charles. And that reality is a great disappointment, a long fall from a very high place. Charles really let me down.

I really thought Charles was someone I could depend on. I thought that I had found someone truly phenomenal, and the fact that the sex wasn’t red hot was a worthy price to pay for love that was so sweet. I knew that I had moved forward in my life, that I had gained the skills of identifying a good man. I thought that I had found one of those kinds of love that would last, like we would be together and still sweet into our sixties when everyone else had gotten divorced or bitter. The last thing I expected was that sweetness would end so soon. The last thing I expected was that he would ignore me, after all, I am his baby. He said he loved me.

I was so excited for the love letters from my sweet baby, I figured the seperation would make the intensity increase. I so looked forward to the stories of his adventures in Kenya, and I, lucky me, would get to be the girlfriend of the sexy, smart professor, going into remote villages and helping to create curriculum to engage the young men and women who’s whole future depended on their education. I could share these remarkable stories and pictures on my blog and to my friends and family, gushing with pride of the man I chose as my partner, and who in turn chose me.

I wrote a long conversational e-mail to him days after he left. I kept the phone next to me, waiting for that first call. After a few days I wrote him a second long conversational e-mail. After a few more days I just didn’t want to write anymore. I heard from him two weeks after he left. Not even a short call when he arrived in Kenya to let me know he made it all right.

I spend a few months feeling elated when I would receive his short phone calls, but after awhile I just whined a lot. I did it in a joking manner, as if it was the circumstances, and that I was actually being a big baby. But fuck him, I was not being a baby. I wanted a relationship with my boyfriend, that is not expecting too much. He disappoints me by thinking that I am expecting too much.

It’s over. It’s really, really over. I have broken up with him already, it’s just a matter of telling him when he gets back, which shouldn’t be long. I have decided to say to him, before he can start explaining the “pressures” he was under that “I am no longer willing to be in this relationship.” those are the words I feel I need to choose because they don’t leave room for argument. I just want to take him to a McDonalds near his house and say it, and have it last 10 minutes, and then leave. I don’t want any “catching up” I don’t want to “come to an agreement” I want to say it and go. Why? Because hearing his side of the story is like being slapped in the face, over, and over, and over again. Hearing the man I thought loved me explain why it was okay to ignore me is just like hearing my dad, who I thought loved me, explain why it was okay to ignore me. It’s one thing to be treated like I’m nothing, it’s quite another to expect me to agree with it.

So now a bodybuilder is flirting with me. I’m not nothing. If I fantasize about having a relationship with him, the one who has paid more attention to me in two weeks of knowing me, than my own boyfriend, then I suppose I feel like I exist.

Damn Timing!

Uh! Now that it's a day before work my temp is not just a low fever, of 99 like early this evening, but no fever at all! A measely 98.6!

So whats this? I get a shitty week off and now I have to go to work having accomplished nothing on my days off, not even enjoyment!

The upside I guess is I can start working out again. I decided not to go in for my 15 easy minutes today, I had such a hard time with it yesterday, and I figure the 90 calories I would burn would not be worth extending my cold out longer.

My energy has been up. I was dancing around the house a little to my Eiffel 85 CD (remember that song "Blue"?) Doing dishes and a little bit of tidying in my room.

Oh well, work (and working out) will be a welcome relief to the boredom I have felt in the last few days. It's funny, I never feel as motivated to clean when I am healthy enough to get up and do it! Hee hee.

Oh boy, better go pack now :P

Posting again

I am blogging a lot today. It is because I have been in bed most of the day with my computer.

Earlier in the day my fever was gone, I was bored even! But now my fever is back! WAAAH!

I don't want to be sick any longer. I have to work on the 30th and I don't want to waste my days off being sick. I am also very excited about getting back in shape, so it sucks to stick to the 15 minutes of "very easy"cardio that muse Derek suggested. I can say this though, yesterday I walked at 4.0miles/hour. It hurt my lungs, but I had the energy to do it. Today I started at 3.5mph, and brought it down to 3mph in just a few minutes, and it was hard to get through the whole 20 minutes. I think I will not go tomorrow. Maybe.

So here I am, ready for another night of half-sleep. I took a valerian root last night that helped a lot, so maybe it's not that bad, but I am still mad that this is happening on my day off.

And oh shit! I have to make and go to an appointment for glasses tomorrow! Shit shit shit.

This was my idea!

I had the idea of tattoo ink that lasted only 5 years, well someone came up with something even better! Removeable tattoo ink! The money I was going to make off that invention was going to pay for my retirement! WAAAAAAH!

Silly Dad

When I think about my relationship with Charles, I think about the relationship with my dad. My feelings about my dad are really sad. I see him as completely irrelevant. It would make sense to feel compassion for him, as a man surviving mental illness, but even that is hard to muster for me. To me he is simply a person I play-act with, I politely laugh at his jokes, and I look away when he talks with food in his mouth, or starts eating at holiday dinners when we haven't all served ourselves or said grace.

I have a reason to be the way I am. He abandoned me when I was an adolecent. He did nothing for me but pay bills. He completely ingored me and slept drunk on the porch instead, while I was out having sex, drinking and smoking. So it is only natural that I will be detached. I tried a number of times to "reconcile" with him, but whenever I did I ended up hurting all over again. A strong memory was in 2001, when we "chatted" about me being a nerd, and he sent me a (non-nude) web link to porn star "Asia Carrerra" as a way to show it can be "cool" to be a nerd, because she runs her own website. How few accomplished women must there be in this world that the only choice he could find as an appropriate role model for his daughter is a person who makes their money behaving as a male fantasy of what a woman is for money? This is the perfect example of what kind of parent he was to me. Thoughtless, though he makes up things to make it sound like he had a strategy. "To expose me to everything" was what he said his parenting style was. Bringing home the soft-core porn "sorceress" is a good job of "exposing" me.

So today, he is nothing but a joke to me. He is harmless to me now because he is so irrelevant. What I wish he would do, which would raise him in my mind, is if he would quit the "daddy/daughter" game. If he would respect me as an adult, as an equal, or even as someone to admire, I would be more able to see him as a person to respect. But instead he pretends he is a "father" and goes out of his way to give me advice, which again, is rediculous, coming from a man who not only failed his daughter so completely, but especially to give the advice to that very daughter, just stupid.

In the end, the fact that he is irrelevant is sort of the point. He is mentally ill. If he has higher capacity it is taking time for it to come through (though he has kept a job for a long time now, has health insurance, and is paying off debts) Would you hate an old grandpa who is senile? No, you just humor them and love them anyway. And I guess I do that. I humor him, the way anyone humors their parents, whether they raised them as a child or not.

I suppose the way I am dwelling on the nature of my relationship with my dad is just me reflecting on the unfairness of it all. I think it's completely unfair that while many people get two parents they can look up two, I get zero. I have a dead mom, and a dad who not only screwed up my adolecence, will be a financial burden to me as he ages.

But I really can't complain. I had an invested mother for the first 9 years of my life, and a father who spoiled me during those years of my life when he had someone else to do the hard work. I also had aunts and uncles who, although I wish more, did stay in touch and take over w ith some of the parent roles. There are children who haven't felt a moment of love in their lives. Who's mothers were drug addicts, or who have been in an orphanage since shortly after birth. Those children develop disorders that cant be undone with therapy like mine, they don't build the capacity to build attachments, and have no chance for a happy future. I have that chance, I am blessed with the resiliance and intelligence to survive the past, and to (I hope, I hope, I hope) one day thrive.

Suckerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Every now and then I am getting the urge not to break up with Charles. It would be so easy, just go along with his perception, that I am "overreacting" to a situation in which he was "powerless" to do anything, and then I can go back to the daily "I love you BAYBEEEEE" which, coming from a man you admire greatly, is like a drug.

But still, even though there could be enough steam in the relationship to keep it tugging along for awhile more, doesn't mean we should stay together. It will be so hard. I hate hurting him, so much that I would rather say "yes baby" to everything he says than tell the truth, but I can't be unwilling to hurt him at my own expense. The sad thing is, it's my history to do that, to bend my feelings in order to stay in a relationship that doesn't serve me. Again, that is habit, learned by my relationship with my dad.

I think it will also be hard to change to friendship. I hope, I guess, that he will want to keep some distance for awhile. It would be easier for me to pretend he never existed, I have the scary ability to do that, but that would not honor him or myself, and I really do admire him, and want him in my life (right?)

He really blew it.

Public Service Message

Well my fever is gone, but I am still hacking up little bits of my lungs.

Dear smokers: Please stop smoking. You don't want to go through this. It is more than mildly unpleasant.

Name Diana's Muse!!!

Muse
Originally uploaded by DianaCrabtree.

Derek is such a boring name for a muse. I need something better like "Gunther" or "Franz." Can anyone think of a better name than Derek?

This picture is my secular holiday gift to you all, enjoy!
UPDATE: Thanks to Lavender Dawn for his new name "Ullrick" It means "Powerful Wolf" Tee Hee

My dad's side is crazy, my mom's side is crazy amazing

Christmas Eve was at my grandparents’ from my dad’s side of the family. It is redily apparent to me that my Grandparents are getting OLLLLLLD. Grandpa will ask a question and then not listen to your answer, and will ask the same question three times. Grandma is getting old, but she is still pretty sharp. Sharp enough that in her 80’s she cooked the entire Christmas dinner!
The dinner was nothing fancy, but it was delicious. Ham, sweet potatoes, twice baked potatoes (Fat!) and asparagus with hollandaise. I was hoping to be moderate in my eating, like I did successfully on Thanksgiving, but I ate a ton, and got a minor stomach ache.

At dessert the brownies were brought up from the basement. We didn’t have our traditional birthday cake for Jesus this year. Grandma stated that she wished she didn’t frost the brownies because they were hard to cut, and Grandpa spent what seemed like ten minutes cutting them. When he was finished cutting them we ate them while Grandma was M.I.A. Grandpa was telling us that whenever Grandma ate a hearty meal she would have to go to the bathroom. Since Grandpa forgets that he has already said something, he brought it up quite a few times. Whenever someone was missing from the group it would be announce “They’re in the potty” (Irritable Bowel Syndrome, a syndrome related to Anxiety Disorder, runs in the family, I suppose I should count myself lucky for only inheriting the Anxiety)

After dinner we opened the presents. My uncle, married to my dad’s sister, got a model train that you have to assemble. We passed some of the gifts around and there grandpa was, assembling the train for him. That got quite a laugh. Later my aunt opened a package with a comfortable looking nightgown in it. Grandma said “that nightgown is for both of you to enjoy because he gets to see you in it.” That made me laugh inside.

It is never appropriate to not be grateful of the gifts you receive, a gift is a gift. My aunt usually gives me a ten dollar gift card to target, which I always enjoy. This year she spent more on me, but she got me a book called “Why Paint Cats, the ethical implications of painting Cats” It was a cute and funny book, but as with most of the presents I got Christmas eve, it was all stuff I wanted out of my house immediately. I am on a quest in my life to lighten my load of material belongings, and these things would not help. Fortunately, at my aunt’s house on Christmas day, we play the “White Elephant Dice Game” so I wrapped up the gifts and added them to the mix. I was so pleased I did that. A little purse that I received was appreciated by someone, and the “Why Paint Cats” book got passed around quite a bit, and a “Red Hat Club” type aunt kept it, saying it would make a cute bathroom book. That pleased me to no end.

I had a wonderful time with my family. I spent part of the night bonding with my 5 year old cousin, who more than once said “Your not really a grown-up, you’re a kid.” I laughed at that to her mother, who suggested it is because I am her cousin, that is why she cant see me as a grown up. I liked that hypothesis. I pointed to our younger cousin and said “She isn’t a grown up either, right?” and my 5 year old cousin said “Yeah, she’s a grown up.” I am a responsible person, and I am always thinking about and analyzing grown-up things, so I suppose I will take it as a compliment. Children are able to see things that grown-ups cant, so if I am childlike, not childish, I will appreciate being unique in that way.

The best part of this family is the music. Not everyone’s family brings out a guitar and has a sing along. My 15 year old cousin is developing this amazing voice, it has a Natalie Merchant quality to it, but still very unique.

The music continued into the next day, at a Sushi party. I videotaped a lot of songs, which I think will be valuable in the future, I wish so much I had a recording of my mom singing. I was physically there for the party, but my brain was out of it. I have developed a chest cold, which now has a 101 degree fever. I am going to bed now, with a sore throat and a prayer that I will actually get some sleep tonight.
I hope everyone’s holiday was good!

Christmas without my boyfriend

It's Christmas eve, and Christmas in Kenya, and I am trying to call my (still) boyfriend to wish him a Merry Christmas. This morning was Sunday, his day when he is least busy, and there was no call (I suspect this has something to do with money, since he hasn't called for weeks now.) As it has been throughout the time he has been gone, I can't get a hold of him. His phone is switched off, and he has no voicemail.

So this is a sign isn't it? Sure, I am 90% broken up with him in my mind, but we arent broken up yet! I suppose he is scared of me right now because my last 3 e-mails have been angry, but its CHRISTMAS, if he wanted to try to win me, the least he might do is send me a Christmas e-mail.

A Christmas e-mail, that's not too much to ask, is it? I really have to break up with him, don't I?

Inevitable

I have been doing very well in taking care of myself these last few days. I have made low fat choices and excercised daily, and I have felt really good as a result of it.

I have figured out a better word than "crush" to describe my feelings about trainer Derek. He is less of a crush, and more of a "muse." His body is an exageratted symbol of exercise. I wont say "health" because to have a body like his I think you need steroids, but his body is obviously a result of a lot of exercise and low-fat foods.

At first I was a little upset by the fact that he was flirting so hard with me, but now I appreciate it. It feels so good to have someone be so overt. Sure, it might have something to do with putting artificial testosterone in his bloodstream so he is so horny he might burst at any minute, but it still feels good to receive the attention.

It's been a long time since I have felt that strong sexual draw. I want to feel that again. No, Derek is not the one for me, and I am not so unrealistic to think that he would honestly be interested in me, I mean, I am like 30% fat, LOL. But I want to feel that. I want that lust. I want to be in a relationship that has personal connection, but also that magnetic draw.

And I also can see that I really want a man who is interested in health. I have my babies to consider here. I want chicken breast and vegetables with brown rice to be the norm in my household, not fatty, high cholesterol foods. Again, Derek is not an example of someone interested in health, if he takes steroids, but he is a symbol of a man practicing some healthy behaviors.

So thank goodness I have found this effective muse in Derek. But it's really not about Derek. He is a catalyst. In 2002 I was non-functioning and suicidal. Then I worked my way up to being functional, but still with suicidal ideation. Now I have worked my way up to being not depressed, now the next step up is to thrive. I was on my way up there when Derek appeared.
Working out and eating well are things I want for myself, it was a matter of time that I would start doing them. Hell, I met Derek because I decided to join the gym he works at. So he is not the reason I am suddenly taking off like a rocket, he is a tool I am using to accelerate the process of the inevitable.

It exites me. I can be a person who works out regularly and eats a healthy diet. I always wanted to be that person, I suppose I just didn't believe that could be me. But now I believe I can. I lost 20 pounds with Weight Watchers, so who says I can't lose 20 more? I used to work out in high school and college, so who says I can't do it now? I just have to believe that I am the person who lives that way. I guess thats what Derek did for me, he treated me like I already am that person. I liked how that felt.

It's not Derek making my life better, it's me making my life better by making better choices. It was a matter of time that I would discover that I can have the life that I envy in others if I make the right choices, but I am greatful to have been given the muse in Derek to set these events in motion.

It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.
~Krishnamurti~

Eat enough, but not too much

Interesting...

Last night my last two flights were torture. I was so crabby. I got to the hotel room and I was still as crabby as I could remember ever being. I figured it was just the stress of a day of holiday flying.

But then, I made a small bag of low-fat popcorn and ate it, and the horrible edge disappeared. I simply hadn't eaten enough yesterday! I had a salad with chicken breast with no dressing, A grilled chicken sandwich with no mayo, a few pieces of fruit, a slice of peanut butter toast, and yogurt and coffee. I made great choices all day, I guess I just should have eaten a little more.

But it's good that I didn't eat too much! I woke up at 6:15 this morning on my own, ready to break the fast! Usually I can sleep until 11AM, but the mild hunger willed me awake :) And may I have a round of applause please? There were only pastries at the free hotel breakfast, so I passed it up and got a granola bar in the vending machine :) I'm really proud of how well I have been eating the last few days. That crush on Derek may be doing me some good :)

Make an effort would you???

Charles is just letting me slip away. He is passively apoligizing "that I am frustrated" but isn't changing anything! He knows he might lose me but has sent me hardly an e-mail in response.

Oh my god, I cant believe it, we might break up! Not just might. I think we are going to break up. Oh my god.

I can't cry. I have this "strong" switch in me that is not helpful. I am numb to my feelings about it, which means I am just freezing up, and not allowing myself to mourn (or to give him another chance, for that matter.)

He is, in so many ways, the one for me. He is so much the one for me that I have been able to overlook the fact that I am not that physically attracted to him. He is attractive. Beautiful in fact. When laying in bed I just love to stare at his mouth. I wish so much I could put Charles' personality into another man's body. Well, not all of his personality. I would like to not include the part that puts me on the backburner.

There is no other answer. I really have to break up with him. That hurts. Its not just losing him that hurts, it's hurting him. He's my baby. And it will not feel good to go back to a life without cuddling :( He was the best cuddler in the world.

I have to do it. Him putting me on the backburner was a good thing, because if it didn't happen we may have gotten married in a year or two. You can't marry someone you don't have chemistry with. You just cant.

Oh shit. I can't believe this. I wish he was the one, because he felt like the one. But he's not.

I am so ready to settle down and get married. I am tired of being single. I loved having a boyfriend. I want babies and a house. This sucks.

Wrong Fantasy

Well this will now be day three of spending half the day thinking about Derek. I sit in awe of the power of, as monkey mentioned in comments, “pheromones.” I used to have obsessive crushes in high school, but at the time I wasn’t aware of how much of a part sexuality was involved in my feelings. Now, fully aware of how this is not the man for me, and that my feelings are not rational, but mostly coming from my clitoris, I am still thinking about him constantly. What an incredible power I am witnessing! For someone to be so consumed could be a big problem. But, if appropriately channeled, this power could be used as a tool for tremendous growth!

What I am doing wrong is fantasizing about the wrong thing! Right now I am fantasizing about the active lifestyle that we will share with our children, but what I should be fantasizing about is a professional bodybuilder taking me under his wing! It’s not so far off, he likes me! He has not only given me 4 sessions for the price of two, both of the sessions so far have been an hour and a half long! When we were finished with the first session he said he could tell I used to train. He seemed really impressed when he asked me my goals, and I said my goal was to get my passion for lifting back, not some goal like “I’d like to lose 20 pounds.” He suggested he would have given me a resistance band for Christmas if I didn’t have one. And, to top it off, he was showing me his nutrition plan (for free, again) and I said “so I’m some sort of…um…” and as I fought for the word I was looking for he said a few things and he said “protégée” as one of them (In the end the term I was looking for was guinea pig.) So it was pretty exciting him using that word, although then again, he is a bodybuilder, heaven knows he may not know what the word means.

The Mentor/Protégée fantasy is a great one, because it motivates me. I can channel my crush into trying to impress him further, so in the future he is not just complimenting me on my form and communication skills, but I can make it my goal that he calls me “disciplined” or “dedicated” or something like that. I can show up regularly, be very focused and maintain good form, not complain at all, etc. Who wins out from all of this effort to impress him? Me! In all my crushitude I have already eaten wonderfully today. I had no cheese or sauce on my turkey sandwich or chicken tacos, and I had the tacos with extra lettuce instead of chips J Also, I almost went to the gym at 7 this morning! The only way I can imagine myself doing that is if my genitals were leading the way. Derek obviously is eager and willing to share his experience, how fortunate am I, as a former weight lifting enthusiast, to be the recipient of his attention!

The only things that I have to keep in mind are one, I should not let on my little crush. He is too in love with himself as it is, we don’t need to encourage him. And two, I must not, under any circumstances, ever sleep with him. I think because I am enjoying the attention so much I am overlooking the fact that he is probably a little skeevy. We cant forget the stretching incident, and the guy will not stop touching me! The funniest time was when he was telling me how it is weird being touched all the time, and he said something like “I have no desire to just grab a guys bicep like this” and he grabs my upper arm! I suppose just because I like it, doesn’t mean it isn’t sexual harassment.

So that’s my plan. I am going to maintain a very professional admiration for his accomplishments, and not let on that his ridiculous posturing is having any effect on me. I will only allow myself to daydream about him training me and being impressed with me, no sex-scenes allowed in my head or in real life. As long as I don’t sleep with him, let on my stupid crush, or buy any more sessions I will have milked this crush for all it’s worth, while still keeping my dignity intact.

UPDATE-- after 3 days of imagining him with his clothes off I googled his name and found pictures. It's not hot, its weird. And besides, what could be less sexy than someone who took steroids? Balding, big boobs, shrunken testicles, impotence and sterility. PRRRRR

Embarrassing Crush

OH MY GOD! I am so pissed off. I am developing a crush on my dork of a trainer.

Not only is it cliche, and really embarrassing (He told me today he used to be a Chippendale's dancer! I laughed for at least a minute) but it is such a stupid thing to allow happen. I have met this kind of man before. He is addicted to attention. He is doing everything in his power to make me interested in him, to feed his ego, because he needs every woman to love him, and every man to want to be him. Bodybuilders are usually narcissistic by nature, so much so that they will poision their bodies with steroids to achieve an unnatural ideal. Has a lot in common with anorexia doesn't it? I am sure a big plus in getting your client attracted to you is it sells more sessions.

And to make it worse, I don't think anything he does is calculated, I think he is just caught up in self-love and doesn't realize he is doing it, so he doesn't have that "asshole" thing to make him less appealing. I know exactly what is going on because again, I have met (and fell in love with) people like him before, and...I used to be like him. I used to love to flirt like crazy with guys, because I got off on the attention, but when they asked me out I would say "I'm sorry, I'm not interested" and then whine about not being able to flirt without people liking me.

Oh, and can we forget the "save the wounded puppy dog" appeal? Naturally I feel sad for him, that he has this need for attention, and doesn't have that centeredness so he always needs external praise to fill himself up. So what is my reaction? I can be the one to save him!!! ROTFLMAO! I am HUMILIATED by how cliche, and stupid my feelings are...I am smarter than this!!!

I admit it, I am "pseudo-star" struck and attracted, while not visually, but somehow chemically to his over-developed body. And, like I feel when the pilots flirt, I am eating up the attention, and he is laying it on pretty thick (although the attention he is offering me is pretty much "you know why else you should be in love with me?...")

My newly inspired excitement is making me miss Charles. He is so grounded and down to earth in comparison to Derek. He's so normal. I wish I was physically drawn to Charles the way I am to Derek. It would help if he was more aggressive and confident. But I can't be idealizing Charles either, I have to remember that he hasn't written me much while he was gone, our relationship as it is could not sustain me forever, and considering how much the sexual attraction is making me think about Derek, I will know that cheating on Charles would be too tempting in the future.

I am nothing but a rediculous cliche

I am in heaven, and it is sweet!

Pastries from www.uypastry.com
Originally uploaded by DianaCrabtree.

It was my best blog buddy Rich's birthday last week, and all I got him was a Christmas card, didn't send him a present, a card, nothing. Totally forgot it. He may be my best blog buddy, but I am a shitty blog buddy to him. So what do I find in my kitchen when I arrive home from working out? A box.

I open the box and read the card, it's from Rich and his life partner Monica. I get my hopes up because Rich and I had recently discussed things in boxes, but instead of that I found these pastries!!! Okay, there were more pastries, twice as many, in fact, but those are out of the picture frame, 3/4ths eaten already.

The pastries came from Uniquely Yours Pastry Shoppe. I have admired the beauty of Jin's pastries on her blog, but the way they look is NOTHING compared to the way they taste!!! My favorite was the cappucino brownie, no, the mint brownie, no, the sugar cookie, no, the raspberry brownie, well, you get the idea.

If anyone has any ideas on how I can thank these two, especially the birthday boy, please share them with me. I am so blissfully happy right now, with a bellyache from all the sugar, but even more so the sweetness of my friend.

Today a man put my leg on his shoulder and spread my legs apart with his hands

I just joined a new Gym. They ran a special where I can be a member for 18 months for only 19 dollars a month. I even got a free training session!

I went to the session today and met Derek. He is or was a professional body builder. He showed me a book of his, and on his business card is the STUPIDEST picture of him with way too big muscles and a, get this...CHAINMAIL shirt HA HA AH AH

But I don't want to laugh at him. He was a very nice person, despite his weird body. I am glad that he was assigned to me, and I expect I will develop a healthy little crush- good for motivation.

First thing we chatted, and then it was time to stretch. He had me lay down on the mat, and then next thing I knew he was kneeling on one of my legs and stretching my other leg over my head! I wasn't uncomfortable or skeeved out, maybe I should have been, because next thing he's doing is pushing my bent top leg into my chest! You'd think that would have been it, but next thing he is holding one of my legs above my knee, while one leg was bent, and pushing them apart! He also told me that in the stretching department, this was "wading in the water" oh my!

He talked me into buying two sessions (for which he will give me 4 sessions.) this was fine with me because it was something I did want. I thought this first session would be a full orientation, so I would have been mad if I didn't have the money, or if I didn't want the sessions, but since I did, I am secretly glad he was a little pushy, because it feels really good to do something for myself.

The session went really well. I walked out of the place with wobbly legs. He told me he could tell that I used to train, and that I was good at communicating :) I felt very motivated, and also respected, which is a rare feeling with trainers. I sort of feel hopeful, if he stays as motivating through all of the sessions, and if the Gym stays as comfortable feeling as it has so far, this may become a home away from home the way the gym used to feel for me.

The possibility of me getting back into weight training is very good in two ways. One, very obviously, it will help me deal with stress, fighting my anxiety and depression. But two, it is a good sign. If I am getting back into weight training I am getting back into something that was once important to me, that is a sign of lifted depression!

I swear the reason I am excited is NOT because he got on top of me and spread my legs apart!

I wish Charles was as romantic as this

I see how people become alcoholics

I had 2 and a half beers.

I feel great.

I feel on top of the world.

I feel like I could hold out for a better love match, and get it.

I feel like I could get a better job.

I feel like I could get in shape.

I feel special.

I feel...like I should be careful.

"Diana, why are you wasting your life here?"

Tonight, while listening to a waitress talk about her forthcoming ATC (air traffic control) career, I thought to myself, "You know, if I don't work in the airlines, I think I might just die." Yes, die. I can't put it into words how much airplanes are in my blood. I write this from a hotel in Bangor, Maine. I can't tell you how much this life does for me.

We have a long layover so we had time for some beers, the first officer, with a few in him, said "I have been meaning to ask you this, but I don't want to hurt your feelings, why the hell are you wasting your life away here?"

He's so right. This is the second worst airline in the United States. I was going to keep my identity private, but now you all know who I work for, the second worst airline in the United States. But in my mind I have it so good. I have GREAT senority, I know the job well, so I hardly have to think, the only things I don't like about it is I make NO money, and my flight benefits are dumb.

He's not the first person to tell me this, he is at least the fourth, and thats only the people I can think of right now. One was the first officer I flew with last trip, he was a big part of me examining my relationship with Charles. I thought about him for days after we flew together, I thought the amount I was thinking about him was not appropriate for a woman with a boyfriend, which made me start thinking about the nature of our relationship.

He took a liking to me right away. He was handsome, with grey hair, and very professional and distinguished. I enjoyed his company. One night we had a long layover and the captian decided not to come down with us for drinks at the hotel bar, so it was just him and I. It was basically like a date, but he knew I have a boyfriend.

We talked about life philosophies, our careers, and all of that kind of stuff. During the conversation he said something that really pissed me off. He said...shit, what did he say? He said something like "Don't let yourself get used" which I took as "You work for Wal-Mart airlines, your being used you big sucker." I felt offended, I felt like he was talking down to me beacuse I am younger, seeing me as naive. But what he was saying wasn't much different from what the F/O tonight said. I am obviously better than this job. 4+ people have said this to me, perhaps I should take it in.

Maybe what I should be doing is putting this extra energy into my career, instead of into my boyfriend. I think about how much I am depending on him for my future right now. It's true, I want to be a stay-at-home parent, but with the relationship I have that would be a boring life. But if my life is exciting now, sleeping in hotels all over the United States, how cool would it be seeing the world?

But there is always the depression to factor in, I am doing well now, but if I slip back, my airline is a soft cushion to fall into. The expectations are low, I make 20K a year, they can't expect too much. If I am depressed and disheveled and feeling tortured as I do my beverage service, no one will do anything about it. No one did when I started, woah was I bad off, so no one would if I "relapsed."

But maybe thats not a good thing. If the bar is higher, I am forced to meet that bar. Maybe I will be depressed, but I will be forced to be pulled together and depressed. Maybe the higher bar would keep me from getting that deeply depressed. And why would I get that depressed again anyways? I am in my element in the airlines. This isn't college all over again, it's a world I feel very at home in. God, can I say, again, how much I love my life flying?

So I think I really need to re-examine my life plan. I think my expectations of myself might have been lower than neccessary. OH MY GOD I am so glad I have a therapist! This is where I need to take this, because I have NO CLUE WHAT THE FUCK I SHOULD BE CHOOSING in my life right now! But you wanna know what, right now, I feel like I should be breaking up with Charles, and applying for a new airline.

But I am drunk.

Weakness

After a few days of feeling sad and emotional about Charles I am feeling weak, like I don't want to go through with the break up. Yes, it has gotten that far, I want to break up. I have been put off when I am obviously upset, that should be a red flag enough.

The blow off aside, heres why I think we should break up:

If I am with Charles I give up any chances of having money. I want to stay at home when I raise kids. That, mixed with the large family in Kenya he will need to support means I will always be working hard to make ends meet. I was willing to give up the possibility of having money to be with Charles, the man I love.

If I am with Charles I will probably have to move. He will be a professor, so it is unlikely he can choose what city to live in without comprimising the quality of the position. I was willing to move, and leave my family and friends to be with Charles, the man I love.

If I am with Charles I give up the chance for a hot sex life. Charles and I cross wires when it comes to sex. Sex between the two of us is "fine." I was willing to give up a hot sex life to be with Charles, the man I love.

So why would I give up financial comfort, my home, and great sex? Love. I just love him to death. I knew that I would rather be with him than be without him. But now, now there is no longer the love. Yes, a sweet "I love you" every week or so, but besides that I have seen no evidence that I am important to him. The fact that I had written two very upset e-mails, and all I have gotten from him (in 3 days) is a letter saying "I can't address your frustration for awhile" says, again, where I fit in his priority list. So what am I in the relationship for? There is nothing for me in it. Why would I sacrifice money, my city, and great sex if there isn't something to balance it out?

So if breaking up is what I want to do, then I have to be strong, and to stick to my guns. Hell, if I want to stay together with him I have to be strong and to stick to my guns, because I will have to convince him to change his behavior to be what I need. What I am fearful will happen is neither one. I am afraid he will say "I missed you so much. I was under so much stress. Please understand" and that I will just tune out my feelings so I can get the affection back that I miss so much. This is my worst pattern with guys, I am so insecure that my moments of solidity and confidence are fleeting, and I can slip into "forgiving" them when I don't, because it takes too much effort.

What worries me most about this situation is I don't know if I SHOULD stick to my guns. Maybe I should fight for the relationship. Beats the fuck out of me. If we are going to break up, this would be the best time to do it, because it would have the least impact since we have been apart for so long. I hate this, and I hate him for putting me in this situation.

Man of my dreams

Last night I dreamt that a blog friend from Australia came to visit me by surprise. I was so happy to meet him and was charmed by what a gentleman he was. Him and I were sitting at a restaurant, next to each other, and for some reason we had these strangers sitting across from us, (they do this in Europe, if you are alone you sit at a table with a stranger.) Well the guys across the table kept stealing my shoes, I am not sue why I had enough shoes for them to continually steal them, but I did. It turned out that they were shoe fetishists, which totally grossed me out, because I was an unwilling participant. More on those guys later.

At one point I was watching a videotape and my mom showed up on it. She died when I was nine, so I was so happy to have this tape, because I can’t remember what her voice sounded like. I got to listen to her talk for about 30 seconds, and then I realized I had taped Dr. Phil over the end of it. I was really angry at myself for just grabbing any tape instead of checking before taping.

Fast Forward and I realized I was having a conversation with my mom. It was a friendly, easy going conversation, like one you would have while visiting with a favorite aunt. Her hair was cut shorter than it was when she died, their must be salons in heaven. At the end of the conversation we got up and hugged her and told her how exciting this was that I got to talk to her. She asked why and I said “well you do know you are dead, don’t you?” It was as if she didn’t know, and now that she knew she said “I can’t see you as well, your fading away” I kept talking to her, trying to keep her with me, but I still faded in and out.

Somehow the shoe fetishists came back in the picture and Rich and I were on a mission to subdue them. We backed them into a bathroom and I, again, for some reason, had a lot of shoes. I grabbed some really sexy black stilettos to try to allure them and then I stabbed one of them with the heel in the stomach. Rich turned to me and said “What do you think?” I said “about what?” and he moved his hand and he had been stabbed in the stomach with a stiletto too!

I remember screaming “NOOOOOOOOOO” and then he was laying in a subway station, and I was standing over him, cleaning the wound and wrapping it in gauze. I was so sure that he was going to die, and I was so upset that when I finally learned what a nice person he was, that he would die right then. But then he was like, “Geez, it’s not that big of a deal, quit being so dramatic” and when I looked at it again it was just a little scratch.

Cue 70's porn music

Okay, three HOT AS HELL young fire marshalls just knocked on my door, they are going to come and "inspect my unit." They were even a little awkward, geez, I guess I am a little hotter than I thought.

Please PLEASE Diana...do not say anything remotely pornographic, and wait until they leave before letting those images go through your head!!!

PS, I asked them to come back in a few minutes so I could tidy my bedroom. Glad I did, my vibrator was plugged in, sitting on my bed! Now THAT could be a great movie starter. "Maam, we have to test this to make sure it is fire-safe."

DON'T cave...be strong Diana

Dear Diana:

I would like to read your emails in full before I respond but I have to go right now. I have noticed that you are getting frustrateted and stuff; butI have also had a very difficult past week. Infact I am in Kisii right now and hor the past week, away from email because I had to come see my sick mom and take her to a doctor, take her back home and observe her for a couple of days. I now have to run to Nairobi in order to do an interview I scheduled. I will thereafter sit down read your emails and respond accordingly.I hope that you will be able to bear with me. Still loving you...

A lot of work to do on myself

A half hour after sending that e-mail to Charles I feel GUILTY. Guilty for asserting my needs. If just asserting my needs makes me feel guilty I have a LOT of work to do.

sent

Dear Charles,

I am growing more and more upset by the minute. I have expressed to you how I felt, but it seemed you thought my frustration was about simply missing you, and having you gone. Maybe to fool myself I let myself go along with that way of seeing it, that I was “getting tired of the circumstances” but it is not the circumstances that I am upset about, it is your investment in our relationship, and possibly the nature of our relationship altogether.

My roommate has a boyfriend in Morocco. They Skype once a week and e-mail a few times a week. She has a very difficult time missing him too, but they are a part of each other’s lives. I have had long distance relationships before. The difference between them and what we have is they were actually relationships. What we have right now is not a relationship. It is “I love you” and “I miss you” over the phone once every week or two.

I know that one thing that you love about me is that I am sweet, and want to make you happy. But to think that I would accept you leaving for 5 months without any communication of substance is absurd, absolutely absurd.

At first I was almost excited about your trip. You were going to travel to a beautiful, exciting country, doing meaningful research and I, as your girlfriend, got to be in your “inner circle.” I would get to see photographs of beautiful landscape in the different villages, I would get to read stories, good and bad, about the people you met on your journeys, and I would able to be a source of support when you were feeling stressed. When my friends and family asked how you were doing I could brag about the work you were doing, and you and I would grow closer from the distance “absence makes the heart grow fonder” they say.

Instead I have felt like a nobody. I have felt like the stupid girl you have hanging on a string that is there to cheer you up when you have a chance to call, but cannot call you or have any way of getting a hold of you. Now when people ask about you, instead of feeling proud I feel embarrassed. I feel like a person who lets herself be ignored by someone who supposedly “loves“ her, but keeps on going back for more.

Every day that I don’t have any communication with you is another day I grow apart from you. I have gone through stages, and I am afraid my feelings are fading. I have lost my enthusiasm for the relationship because the only thing the relationship consists of is being alone, and 5 minutes of “I miss you a lot” is nothing.

I really feel at the end of my rope. Again, I think we should stay together until you get home, but when you do get home we are going to have to start over from the beginning and really analyze if we are meant to be a couple, or if we are meant to be friends. We have a lot of challenges. One, getting rid of the condoms did not fix our problems in bed. Two, maybe the United States isn’t where you want to live, and maybe I don’t want to leave the United States. Three, I don’t believe in spanking children, you do, that would be a big conflict in the future. But the most important of these reasons is number four: you don’t turn to me when you are under stress. You don’t turn to me or share with me at all. What is the point of a relationship if you don’t turn to your partner or share with them? We have a lot to examine.

Diana

I didn't send this one- I am contemplating changing it a bit and sending it.

Dear Charles,

I am growing more and more upset by the minute. I have expressed to you how I felt, but it seemed you thought my frustration was about simply missing you, and having you gone. Maybe to fool myself I let myself go along with that way of seeing it, that I was “getting tired of the circumstances” but it is not the circumstances that I am upset about, it is your investment in our relationship, and possibly the nature of our relationship altogether.

My roommate has a boyfriend in Morocco. They Skype once a week and e-mail a few times a week. She has a very difficult time missing him too, but they are a part of each other’s lives. I have had long distnce relationships before. The difference between them and what we have is they were actually relationships. What we have right now is not a relationship. It is “I love you” and “I miss you” over the phone once every week or two.

I know that one thing that you love about me is that I am sweet, and want to make you happy. But to think that I would accept you leaving for 5 months without any communication of substance is absurd, absolutely absurd.

At first I was almost excited about your trip. You were going to travel to a beautiful, exciting country, doing meaningful research and I, as your girlfriend, got to be in your “inner circle.” I would get to see photographs of beautiful landscape in the different villages, I would get to read stories, good and bad, about the people you met on your journeys, and I would able to be a source of support when you were feeling stressed. When my friends and family asked how you were doing I could brag about the work you were doing, and you and I would grow closer from the distance “absence makes the heart grow fonder” they say.

Instead I have felt like a nobody. I have felt like the stupid girl you have hanging on a string that is there to cheer you up when you have a chance to call, but cannot call you or have any way of getting a hold of you. Now when people ask about you, instead of feeling proud I feel embarrassed. I feel like a person who lets herself be ignored by someone who supposedly “loves“ her, but keeps on going back for more.

Every day that I don’t have any communication with you is another day I grow apart from you. I have gone through stages, and I am afraid my feelings are fading. I have lost all enthusiasm for the relationship because I am receiving no rewards from the relationship, the only thing the relationship consists of is being alone, and 5 minutes of “I love yous” every week or so.

Having my feelings fade to this point is giving me some objectivity I wish I didn’t have. I am beginning to question the substance of our relationship. Is it possible that our relationship is actually only infatuation? That we are two people, who need affection, and who found an appealing person to give and receive that affection with, but that that is the extent that our relationship is?

++++++++++And then it was time for the plane to land++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I am ready to break up

When someone is addicted to alcohol or drugs, their personality changes, they will manipulate the people who love them to defend their habit, they will love their habit more than they love the people in their lives, and they will be absent from the people who love them, sometimes physically, but even if they are physically there, if they are drunk or high they still aren't "there." The death of my mom and having my alcoholic dad as the only one there to raise me made my own mental stability very fragile. Fortunately at the time I was able to build emotional defenses to survive.

Unfortunately those defenses are still there. I have been able to wear them away over time, with the help of medication and therapy, but some still remain. Although I have gotten better, it takes a long time for me to trust someone, and once I feel I have been wronged, those defenses snap right back into place, and once this has happened they may never come down again.

Right now that is how I feel about Charles. I am just ready to break up with him. I feel like our whole relationship is a fucking joke. I have spent 3 months just missing him, and wishing I would hear from him more, but it took until now to realize just how little he has communicated! He has sent me NO pictures. He has e-mailed me NO stories of things that have happened. He has told me next to nothing about his research, and he actually LOST the pictures that I e-mailed him! And it's not like I can get in touch with him! His phone doesn't have voicemail, and it is nearly never on. I sent him the e-mail from 2 posts ago, and while I received a phone call from him, he obviously hasn't read it yet, because he said the same old shit "I love you BAY-BEEE," words that once sounded like music to me, but now sound like a reminder of what an empty shell my relationship is right now.

And it's not like I haven't told him how I feel. I have told him so many times that I need more communication from him and all I get is "I miss you so much" and "I love you." Which fill me up at the time, but it has taken me until now to realize his actions don't match his words. If he missed me as much as he says, he would write to me at least as often as I wrote him.

I know that the man is prone to stress. He has the weight of his whole family's economic survivial on his shoulders. He is doing the research for a PhD on very little money, and he has lived in a "Foriegn" country for 4 years (and the U.S. is no walk in the park when you come from somewhere with a different lifestyle.) But he claims that after he talks to me he is always in a better mood, so why not talk to me on a regular basis? When he first left I wrote him long e-mails, but not hearing anything back hurt, so I didn't want to keep sending them.

One of two things may be happening here. One may be completely cultural. All countries have different definitions of what a good "relationship" is, and I know so little about his culture that I could not tell you if this is acceptable or not. But in my culture it is not acceptable, so there needs to be a happy medium. I have tolerated cultural traditions of his, so he will have to tolerate mine.

Two, our relationship might be not enough for the long term. We might be two lonely people, me because of my childhood, him because he is so far from home, who relish the feeling of being loved by someone we find appealing. Him, I find appealing because of his accomplishments, intelligence, and that he is so down-to-earth. (I think) he finds me appealing because of my looks and sweetness (and I am sure being a native is an appealing trait in a partner to someone from a different land.) Maybe that is all our relationship is. We do have discussions now and then, but most of the time it is just sweet talk. It is glorious, but that can't maintian a relationship.

And even if it is neither of the above, I can see now how I could be treated in the future if he gets busy. I could be put on the back burner, expected to just sit quietly and wait. Thats how I feel right now. I feel like someone there to boost his mood and his ego when he wants it, and expected to sit, FAITHFUL and alone, for months, and not feel that I deserve anything more than those scraps thrown at me when he can.

Damn. I have already started daydreaming of our beautiful and smart daughter and her responsible and charming younger brother. It saddens me to imagine that this relationship could not only not last forever, but could even be coming to an end.

In the past I would dump the guy right now and move on. I will not do that this time, I am going to give the relationship a chance. But I can't start a new habit of expecting less than I deserve, I can't settle for less than I deserve.

Damn.

Practice

I have been in therapy since about April of ‘05. Before therapy my reaction to my depressed or anxious moods was one of powerlessness, “Oh, no, I am getting depressed again” like it is an inevitable roller coaster that I will have to powerlessly ride. But having been in therapy, seeing how things can be perceived differently, I have a new perspective on my depressed mood today. There is a reason why I am reacting this way. What is the reason? How can I react in a healthier way?

It was very upsetting in my therapy appointment yesterday to have my feelings validated that my relationship with Charles is not going well. It was easier to deny the reality of it when I could just joke around about my “barely existent boyfriend” Reacting that way made it feel like I was upset with the “circumstances beyond our control.” But when forced to truly look at it, plain and simple, Charles isn’t investing in the relationship. He is throwing out some “I miss you terribly”-s but that’s all he’s putting in.

Using the skills I have learned in therapy I have to face that this isn’t acceptable, and I have to believe that I truly deserve better. I need to examine: How can a woman float along for 3 months being basically ignored by her boyfriend and at most let out a peep of “would you please send me more e-mails?.” How does a woman survive in a situation like this? How? Practice. As an adolescent, I lived alone with my dad, but he had no involvement in my life but to pay the bills. I am used to being ignored and alone.

My mom was dead, and my dad was basically also dead. He was passed out every night on the front porch. When he was passed out I couldn’t ask him for help with my homework, and he never asked me if I did my homework. When he was passed out he couldn’t clean our house of squalor, and he never made me clean my room. Passed out he couldn’t protect me from predators who would want to rape a 12 year old girl, and he never talked to me and warned me about the predators who ended up statutorily raping a lonely and desperate 12 year old girl. My mother died by accident, my father died on purpose.

Starting at 11 when my stepmother left I did all I could think of to endear myself to my dad so he would make me a priority, after all, I worshiped that funny and creative man. Yes she left, which was sad, but him and I would pull together and make it, and we would become closer. Instead, he started drinking a tequila sunrise every night “to relax.” Just as I predicted, he became addicted. The tequila sunrise a night quickly became two. Then there was no grenadine, then no orange juice. Next thing you know the cup became unnecessary too, I can’t remember if he kept the bag around the bottle while he drank it.

Having a passed out person as your sole parent is quite a challenge, especially when, like me, you wanted so desperately to be “normal.” So during the years of cajoling my dad to make me do chores and make me finish my homework, I started an elaborate game of “pretend” where I played the well adjusted daughter, and his role was of the parent who gave a shit if his daughter lived or died. He loved this game, he loved (and continues to love) taking credit for my successes. “I must have done something right” has come out of his mouth far too many times. My favorite memory of the “loving family game” was when I had to remind him to put an ad with my baby picture in the back of my senior yearbook saying how much he loves me and is proud of me. In the ad, he wrote the weirdest phrase…”Now it’s YOUR turn, Peanut” What did that mean? “I am passing the torch to you, Diana, now it’s YOUR turn to give up on life and it’s YOUR turn to abandon your responsibility.” Or maybe there was a punctuation error…maybe it was intended to say “…now, it’s YOUR turn…” meaning “Remember now, it’s YOUR turn to be your own parent. I put in at least 40% effort at being your parent for 10 years, its YOUR turn. It’s your life anyway, why should I waste my time caring about how you turn out? I would really prefer to sleep on the porch.”

And when I tried every which way to explain to him that I really needed his involvement in my life, could he please take parenting classes or something, I earned the role of “Another nagging woman.” He even would mock me for being emotional. When I would plead for some attention and rules he would say those cruel, indifferent words: “I trust you.”

Charles knows that I won’t cheat on him, he told me: “I trust you, Diana.” He doesn’t need to remind me that I am loved, because he “trusts” that I will be there when he comes back. He doesn’t need to give me the attention that a woman needs from a man, because he “trusts” that I won’t go looking for it somewhere else. I appreciate being trusted, but I would appreciate more that he behaved as if I was worth protecting. But the feeling that I am “worth protecting” is one I last felt when my mother was alive. I knew very strongly that I should be “grateful” for the attention granted to me by my father and stepmother. And when she left, my father drilled the point home that I was not important enough to be protected, just tolerated and “trusted.”

Charles still has the chance to step up to the plate and show he gives a damn. But if he doesn’t, it’s not a good idea for me to relive my adolescence and relationship with my father through him. That is what people who don’t resolve their childhood issues do. They set themselves up to relive them, thinking that by “fixing” the current situation they will fill that gaping hole in their heart. I know now that that doesn’t work. I am in therapy now, I don’t want my life to be controlled, or ended, by anxiety and depression anymore. I have lost too many years of my life to misery and fear.

I have thrown down the gauntlet to Charles. He can choose to be the man I deserve, or I will find another man. I only had one father, I did all I could to find someone else to raise me, but it didn’t work, I was stuck with what I had. But I am not stuck now. I am not forced to take scraps of love when I deserve true love. I am not doomed to a lifetime of being undervalued like I was as an adolescent. My father abandoned me and failed me, I am not going to abandon and fail myself.

Depression is not inevitable.

Woah! Did I just press "send" ???

Hi Charles.

I think we should rethink you moving in right away. I just don't feel that our relationship is strong enough right now for us to take a big step like that.

Right now the only way I know I am in a relationship is that I am not allowed to date or have sex. Thats the only way I know. Otherwise I feel no different than someone who is single. I am faithful because I am loyal, not because I feel fulfilled in my relationship. I don't.

It is more than just missing you or feeling lonely. I have no idea what is going on in your life. No, I don't tell you either, but that is because there is no reciprocity. I wrote long letters at the beginning, and then didn't hear from you at all. Now I have sent you a long e-mail, but that was a week ago and I have heard nothing. I need more than an "I miss you" and "I love you." I need for us to be a part of each others lives. I need to know the little things. I need to know about the little boy you saw in a village who reminded you of yourself. I need to know about the fun night you had with your sister. I need some conversation, and it doesn't require money for a phone call, e-mails will do. Skype would work well too, but you havent shown any interest in that.

I really feel that I am not a priority in your life. I sort of feel like you have taken my love and willingness to be boyfriend-less for months and taken me for granted. I feel totally on the backburner, someone only to be appeased with a few "I love yous" but not something that is a priority. Here is an example: I had your picture on my phone, my desktop and on Yahoo log-in. You lost or deleted my pictures so I had to send them again. You didn't even feel the need to look at my picture in all of that time.

Maybe this is all a sign? I don't know. I want to stay together until you come back, but maybe we need to really examine what we are doing here.

I really do love you, and I hope things will work out.

Love,
Diana

Blob

You know what I did today? I started by sleeping in and missing most of my therapist appointment (another post.) What have I done the rest of the day? Eat, look at celebrity gossip websites and thats it.

I am gaining weight. I haven't been following Weight Watchers at all, and I havent been working out. I don't look as georgeous as I have been lately.

I don't think this is depression. I think it is momentum. But I don't want my life to be this way or I will get depressed. I have come so far with my depression and weight, maybe I am sabotaging myself because I am afraid of what life will be like if I am attractive and energetic.

Also, what I talked about at my 15 minute appointment...Charles. I feel completely abandoned by him. My therapist says I should think twice about having him move in. She's probably right. I feel like I am not a priority to him right now, and I need to speak up (well I have 3 or 4 times) or I will resent him forever. I had a pilot on my flight who liked me last trip, and I found myself thinking about him for 3 days straight. Thats where I am right now, I just feel single.

Well Jennifer wants to use the computer now, which is a good thing. It means I wont me surfing for more sad Lindsay Lohan antics. Speaking of sad...I am spending unreplacable minutes of my life reading about and judging drug addicts strange behavior, when really I should be looking at and changing my own.

Celebrity Spottings!

This has been a big week for celebrities. Sunday night I saw Dean McDermott, Tori Spelling's husband in the Toronto airport. He walked very quickly in one direction like he was in a hurry to get somewhere, then he turned right around and walked back where he came from just as quickly.

My second "celebrity" was the guitarist from an 80's hair band. We will call the band "Rigid Brother." Him and his friends were GROSS. These were the kinds of guys that are Butt-Fugly, but who are only friendly to a woman if they are young, beautiful, and put out. If the woman doesn't meet all three of these criteria, they are not worthy of normal human interaction. It seems to be that way with heavy metal and the more ghetto oriented rap. The guys were not rude, but they were cold and formal, sort of the way I was with them, LOL.

Uncomfortable

The most racist thing I have ever heard my paternal grandfather say is “wow, there sure are a lot of black people” when looking at my high school yearbook. At the time I flipped out, but in hindsight I think he is open minded for a white fella his age. He’s a liberal guy, and a Greek who married a Swede, so he knows a little something about dating outside his culture. So I was taken a little aback the other night when I had an uncomfortable moment discussing Charles.

I was visiting my Grandparents’ house, where my Dad lives, to borrow some money from my Dad to buy glasses (I have to pay up front to be reimbursed by my flexible spending account.) Things were weird the moment I got there. I expected things to be very warm, and hoped to have dinner with them, but instead things felt tense, which felt disappointing, since I was in a nice mood to have dinner and visit with my family.

My Dad looked awful. He is doing really well, he is taking medication and not drinking as far as I know, but his appearance wasn‘t nice. He has grown his mustache out really long hanging down, which could be cool by itself, but he also has long brassy hair, and he refuses to trim his eyebrows, which are extremely long. Also, he is missing his bottom two front teeth. He had an opportunity to have dentures done pro-bono, but he chose not to because he would have to be toothless for a month. I just can’t see how that would be worse than how his teeth are now.

All in all he looks like a crazy person. I had thought it would be a fun thing for him and I to take my friend’s 6 year old to the science museum, he is great with kids. But when I saw him I decided not to ask him. I love him for who he is, but I don’t buy that this is who he is. He used to take more pride in his appearance, he looks like Richard Dreyfuss when he tries. But somehow he is rebellious, which can look good if it is done right, if it looks intentional, not lazy. I just hate how his appearance could be hurting him. People wont take him as seriously, and I can’t help but imagine how lonely that is.

So seeing him look bad wasn’t nice, but if he is taking medication, not drinking, and has a job I am happy. He really will do a lot for me which is nice. He was talking about modifying a laptop bag so it would fit my computer, and he has insisted on giving me this money he is loaning me instead of loaning it. I haven’t decided if I should accept it or not. Historically, stuff like giving me money was how he told himself he was being a good parent. When I would have traded having him give me money with having him make sure I did my homework and cleaned my room. But today, my dad doesn’t have a lot to be proud of, so if I can make him feel good, that he is providing for his daughter, it might actually be selfish to not let him do that. And come on, how hard is it to let someone give you money?

I was chatting about life and Charles came up. I was talking about his research and when he would return. A light bulb appeared and I said “Oh! Have you seen a picture of him yet?” I saw my dad, behind him mouthing “not now.” I sort of snapped at my dad, and said “WHAT? He needs to know eventually” and looked at my grandpa, and with a smile on my face and a “it’s not a big deal” tone in my voice said “Grandpa, Charles is from Africa.” But apparently he knew already.

I showed them all a picture. Grandpa did seem tense (when doesn’t he?) and his comment was “this is a nice phone you have here.” But really, what should I expect? Yes, it is 2006, but my grandparents grew up in a different time. Even I look twice when I see intercultural relationships. He’s not shouting slurs or saying “that man is not welcome in my house.” He is not criticizing my choice (to my face anyway) he is having a hard time with it. Would it be better if color or nationality would be as unimportant to him as if Charles was Finnish or French, yes, that would be how it should be, but our culture has a long ways to go, and people’s conciousnesses are not going to change overnight, it is happening slowly, generation by generation.

I apologized to my dad for calling him out when he said “not now,” I let him know it just came out. I would still show Charles’ pictures, but I shouldn’t have drawn attention to my dad mouthing something behind my Grandpa’s back. My dad said Grandpa had been grumbling before I had gotten there about me marrying a teacher. (No, I am not engaged) My dad said “He won’t say it but I think it’s because he’s black” with a little too much enjoyment in his voice. My fucking dad, I swear he likes this. This is his chance to be “the good guy,” and for his nemesis, his dad to be the bad guy. The two of them argue all the time, so I think my dad just loves that he gets to be so obviously right and superior, and that he can be on my side, when often it is my grandparents (and the whole world for that matter) on my side, and him on the other. It would not be unlike my dad to enjoy stirring up drama. Thanks dad, this is my family, my current family and possibly someone who I want to integrate into the family. Thanks dad for being indelicate and turning it into a power struggle, when in essence all it needs to be is an adjustment to something different happening.

I have some respect for my Grandpa. When I was dating (and living with) a Pakistani he had one day asked me “Is that Haseem as nice as he seems?” I think that when he meets Charles, he will be impressed. My grandpa is a tense guy, and he always has to be the boss, so working within those parameters, I am not going to expect him to be gregarious and warm when Charles and him meet. But Grandpa is not a really warm guy. He is very dry. He tsks and rolls his eyes a lot. That’s just him. I think he will eventually say, “That Charles seems like a very nice man.”