Tonight I went to a movie with my hairdresser Molly. She called and told me she was going to see "Just like Heaven" (chick flick) and I had already seen it, but since I didn't want to say no when she invited me out and it was the only one in the cheap theater I saw it again.
I saw the movie a month or two ago when I was on top of the world. I was feeling very optimistic at the time, and watching a romantic comedy made me thought "awww" and "I look forward to meeting someone someday" Watching it again with a different mood it was quite different, I thought "awww" and "will I ever meet someone? ever? am I going to be a cat lady?"
I realize now it's not being alone forever that I fear, it's being depressed forever. The awful feeling that I am doomed to be single isn't really accurate, I am comfortable single, it's being depressed that I am uncomfortable with.
Is this why I was feeling hostility towards my new roommate? Because she reminds me of the person I used to be? I swear there was a period in my life when I was happy, wasn't there? There was before my mom died. And I think when I left home for college I was happy, I no longer had my dad weighing me down and I felt like my life was whatever I wanted it to be. Can I get that feeling back, or was that just innocence, which you only get once?
It's not a man I want, if I would have gotten BK I wouldn't know what to do with myself, he would serve as a reminder of my absence of vitality, It's me that I want, healthy, active, fun, happy me. I don't know if I have changed too much, if this depression will be permanent. I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel for a short time, I didn't prepare myself that it will take a couple of tries before health is a long term thing.
Okay, okay, I know it's going to be okay. I know that in the end I will be so strong from all of these years of struggling. For a short time I allowed my inner drama queen to take over, but I think I got myself back on track, because I wrote it out.
mood: optimistic actually
2 comments:
That last paragraph made me laugh out loud.
Of course you can get that feeling back. But like most people who suffer from depression you'll have to work through bouts of that as well. WOB suffers from occasional depression and it really doesn't affect our relationship. Hang-in there babe, have I told you're cool lately.
Thanks :) Alot :)
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