ahhhhh

My annoyed energy relating to Tara has been relieved. I think it has 100% to do with blogging. I had the feeling, and instead of trying to pretend I didn't feel it I wrote about it and examined it. (Ok, 50% blogging, 50% Buddhism) The feeling has dissapated.

I think my feelings were, as I wrote before about my relationship with myself, about my relationships with past roommates, and I realize now I was associating the stress I had this last month with her, when it wasn't her at all, it was what I wanted the house to be like for her, even though she has been really laid back about the house.

I think part of my depression in the last month or so had to do with me not writing. I had lost my outlet and my tool of analyzing and dealing with life's stresses, and I had new stresses to deal with. I am not sure what it was that made me less eager to write, maybe I was unwilling to acknowledge my core feelings since they were so painful and embarrassing (I behaved like a doormat last month, and that enrages me.)

Maybe since I was "out in the real world" I mistakenly assumed I had to choose, "real world" or "inner world." What I should do instead is go into the real world, and regularly return to the inner world to process my "real world" experiences. This is how an introvert operates, they need time alone to get more energy, maybe my mistake has been repeatedly trying to be an extrovert, it works for them, but not for me.

I feel like myself again, I haven't felt like myself for over a month.

mood: happy? calm, like myself