Day 3

Celebrate with me..day 3 not depressed! I had a little twinge yesterday, but I am not going to count 10 minutes of funk, because I was able to pull myself out of it. I know where the depression came from, I had made a huge mistake. It came from me pushing myself into the dating world.

I look at overcoming a mental illness as being similar to quitting drugs. You have to be really on top of it, you can't get lazy or it will catch you. Being healthy is not a choice, it is a neccessity. I had ascended from a little bit above the bottom (Fortunately I have never attempted suicide) and I was doing a great job of being healthy. I was sick of my bevy of crushes on attached men and thought that was my cue that I had to get one of my own. No, that was not the cue. The cue was that I am still a woman, I still love men, but I am not secure enough in my life that I am ready for emotional intimacy with one, so friendship is what I can handle, and attached men are a safe place to get that friendship.

What I really wasn't ready for was having my life and lifestyle evaluated. My lifestyle is very small and routine. That is a GOOD thing, becuase I have learned to create a life that I am able to manage, over time I will add to it, but now, unlike when I was younger, I live based on what I know my needs are, not based on what culturally I am told I should have and do. But, when someone from the outside looks in, I could appear boring, which at this point I might be, but I should not expose myself to such criticism, because my boring, managable life is a victory.

If I meet someone organically I will not resist it (this poor girl hasn't had sex for so long she forgot how it's done- marshmallow cock doesn't count as "sex") but inviting the world's opinions of me in was a mistake, and is why I got depressed. I have just recently learned how to determine my worth from within myself, and I am not practiced enough to test it yet.

So now here I am, NOT DEPRESSED! Wow. Just Wow. I love it. I am not "happy" necessarily, but who needs happy? That I must always be happy is another ideal that TV teaches us so we buy their stuff to try to attain it. I am not depressed, and that feels MARVELOUS!

mood: lazy, not depressed