I just wasted an hour of my life that would have been much better used, watching TV, masturbating, or eating junkfood.
The ishape food journal is awesome, but I wasn't seeing enough results to keep me motivated to record every morsal of food I ate. I thought that perhaps the answer would be for me to focus on the excercise part and then add the food in afterward.
I went to the gym, which I have visited once in the months I have been a member for an orientation. I know how to set up my own workout, but I figured having someone plan out for me the excercises, reps and weights could make getting back to the gym more of a no-brainer.
I used to be deep into working out. I subscribed to muscle and fitness, took supplements and did an hour of weights a day, and that was a split routine. I used to work at a YMCA. I was on cross country and danceline. I studied pre-physical therapy for over a year.
For the first 5 minutes the trainer explained to me that "Aerobic" means "with oxygen." I politely let her know that I have most of the basic knowledge so she can skim over that part. Well that didn't happen. I spent the most boring hour of my life learning that SURPRISE! I should do cardio 3-5 times a week and resistance training 2-3 times a week. WELL THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH! It's not her fault, there is no way that she could fucking know (besides the fact I told her I suppose) that this stuff is completely elementary to me, but the result of it was not what I wanted (to be motivated to start working out agian) but instead the opposite, I felt demoralized. Having someone explain arithmatic to you for an hour feels a little like they are insulting you. I left the place nearly in tears.
If you are boiling over with anger, and in a gym, what is the most common sense thing to do? Well workout of course. I didn't. I talked to the front desk to see if I could add my roommate to my membership, maybe that would make the gym fun again, but of course it would have to be all complicated.
So now I have the choice...start going or cancel. Even if it is inexpensive I am wasting my fucking money if I don't go. What I need to do first is change my mood about the place, because right now I feel insulted, which is, I'm sure, unfair.
I haven't eaten much today and I have spent 5 hours at various stores so I am probably a little worn out.
Can I recover from this? Will that place ever feel like a refuge for me? Maybe I should just re-join the gym I used to work for. UH!
mood: aggravated. Pissed that I have to eat (too much work) pissed off (BTW, this appointment ended an hour ago)
UPDATE: Eating helped
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Day 3
Celebrate with me..day 3 not depressed! I had a little twinge yesterday, but I am not going to count 10 minutes of funk, because I was able to pull myself out of it. I know where the depression came from, I had made a huge mistake. It came from me pushing myself into the dating world.
I look at overcoming a mental illness as being similar to quitting drugs. You have to be really on top of it, you can't get lazy or it will catch you. Being healthy is not a choice, it is a neccessity. I had ascended from a little bit above the bottom (Fortunately I have never attempted suicide) and I was doing a great job of being healthy. I was sick of my bevy of crushes on attached men and thought that was my cue that I had to get one of my own. No, that was not the cue. The cue was that I am still a woman, I still love men, but I am not secure enough in my life that I am ready for emotional intimacy with one, so friendship is what I can handle, and attached men are a safe place to get that friendship.
What I really wasn't ready for was having my life and lifestyle evaluated. My lifestyle is very small and routine. That is a GOOD thing, becuase I have learned to create a life that I am able to manage, over time I will add to it, but now, unlike when I was younger, I live based on what I know my needs are, not based on what culturally I am told I should have and do. But, when someone from the outside looks in, I could appear boring, which at this point I might be, but I should not expose myself to such criticism, because my boring, managable life is a victory.
If I meet someone organically I will not resist it (this poor girl hasn't had sex for so long she forgot how it's done- marshmallow cock doesn't count as "sex") but inviting the world's opinions of me in was a mistake, and is why I got depressed. I have just recently learned how to determine my worth from within myself, and I am not practiced enough to test it yet.
So now here I am, NOT DEPRESSED! Wow. Just Wow. I love it. I am not "happy" necessarily, but who needs happy? That I must always be happy is another ideal that TV teaches us so we buy their stuff to try to attain it. I am not depressed, and that feels MARVELOUS!
mood: lazy, not depressed
I look at overcoming a mental illness as being similar to quitting drugs. You have to be really on top of it, you can't get lazy or it will catch you. Being healthy is not a choice, it is a neccessity. I had ascended from a little bit above the bottom (Fortunately I have never attempted suicide) and I was doing a great job of being healthy. I was sick of my bevy of crushes on attached men and thought that was my cue that I had to get one of my own. No, that was not the cue. The cue was that I am still a woman, I still love men, but I am not secure enough in my life that I am ready for emotional intimacy with one, so friendship is what I can handle, and attached men are a safe place to get that friendship.
What I really wasn't ready for was having my life and lifestyle evaluated. My lifestyle is very small and routine. That is a GOOD thing, becuase I have learned to create a life that I am able to manage, over time I will add to it, but now, unlike when I was younger, I live based on what I know my needs are, not based on what culturally I am told I should have and do. But, when someone from the outside looks in, I could appear boring, which at this point I might be, but I should not expose myself to such criticism, because my boring, managable life is a victory.
If I meet someone organically I will not resist it (this poor girl hasn't had sex for so long she forgot how it's done- marshmallow cock doesn't count as "sex") but inviting the world's opinions of me in was a mistake, and is why I got depressed. I have just recently learned how to determine my worth from within myself, and I am not practiced enough to test it yet.
So now here I am, NOT DEPRESSED! Wow. Just Wow. I love it. I am not "happy" necessarily, but who needs happy? That I must always be happy is another ideal that TV teaches us so we buy their stuff to try to attain it. I am not depressed, and that feels MARVELOUS!
mood: lazy, not depressed
Monday, November 28, 2005
Reward
Okie-Dokie.
I have just accomplished something, so, unlike the way I would react before I began therapy, I am congratulating myself, (trying to) instead of focusing on what I need to do next.
I have a box full of papers to be filed, that has things at least 2 years old in it. I have sorted it into six categories, it felt like torture, but I have gotten that box sorted, and I need to feel a sense of accomplishment.
So do it Diana...Uh! Good Job! Yay! (not feeling sincere) Hmm. Guess I should work on that.
mood: not bad, but I should feel good.
I have just accomplished something, so, unlike the way I would react before I began therapy, I am congratulating myself, (trying to) instead of focusing on what I need to do next.
I have a box full of papers to be filed, that has things at least 2 years old in it. I have sorted it into six categories, it felt like torture, but I have gotten that box sorted, and I need to feel a sense of accomplishment.
So do it Diana...Uh! Good Job! Yay! (not feeling sincere) Hmm. Guess I should work on that.
mood: not bad, but I should feel good.
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Not Depressed!
Today I felt...NOT DEPRESSED!
Oh lord almighty THANK YOU lord almighty! It wasn't a particularly good day, but I wasn't depressed today!
Unhappiness can seem like such a burden unless you put it in context next to the serious stuff. Maybe what I needed was a month or so of mild depression and then a week or two of the juicy moderate stuff to make me appreciate non-depression again. I will take a lifetime of being unhappy much of the time, as long as I don't have to feel that horrible weight of being depressed.
I hope that tomorrow can be as good. I will do what I did last night, I went to sleep listening to the Dalai Lama's "Art of Happiness" book on tape instead of BBC world service (world poverty, war, the leader of my beloved country doing his best to destroy it and the rest of the world.) I think a message of hope before bed might be a bit more soothing.
I slept with an electric heat pad. A fire hazard? Sure, but it relaxed my muscles and I slept nice.
I woke up at 5:30. For some reason getting up early makes me happy, that doesn't mean I can get myself up on my days off of course. And I drank plenty of coffee.
I didn't eat too much today, missed breakfast (oops) but had a nice big black bean burrito for lunch. It's funny but I am not hugely hungry today, even though I didn't eat alot. Nice.
I am going to try to do all of that tomorrow. I will go to sleep with the heat pad and book on tape. I will try to get up earlier than 11, and I will have breakfast, but a healthy one with a nice homemade latte. I will also drink a lot of water and use my SAD light (grey winter weather is shown to contribute to depression)
HOORAY!
I don't care today that I have a stupid disorder. I care that I was blessed with a day free from it!
HOORAY!
mood: OK, I guess. JUST KIDDING! I feel not depressed! WHOOPIE!
Oh lord almighty THANK YOU lord almighty! It wasn't a particularly good day, but I wasn't depressed today!
Unhappiness can seem like such a burden unless you put it in context next to the serious stuff. Maybe what I needed was a month or so of mild depression and then a week or two of the juicy moderate stuff to make me appreciate non-depression again. I will take a lifetime of being unhappy much of the time, as long as I don't have to feel that horrible weight of being depressed.
I hope that tomorrow can be as good. I will do what I did last night, I went to sleep listening to the Dalai Lama's "Art of Happiness" book on tape instead of BBC world service (world poverty, war, the leader of my beloved country doing his best to destroy it and the rest of the world.) I think a message of hope before bed might be a bit more soothing.
I slept with an electric heat pad. A fire hazard? Sure, but it relaxed my muscles and I slept nice.
I woke up at 5:30. For some reason getting up early makes me happy, that doesn't mean I can get myself up on my days off of course. And I drank plenty of coffee.
I didn't eat too much today, missed breakfast (oops) but had a nice big black bean burrito for lunch. It's funny but I am not hugely hungry today, even though I didn't eat alot. Nice.
I am going to try to do all of that tomorrow. I will go to sleep with the heat pad and book on tape. I will try to get up earlier than 11, and I will have breakfast, but a healthy one with a nice homemade latte. I will also drink a lot of water and use my SAD light (grey winter weather is shown to contribute to depression)
HOORAY!
I don't care today that I have a stupid disorder. I care that I was blessed with a day free from it!
HOORAY!
mood: OK, I guess. JUST KIDDING! I feel not depressed! WHOOPIE!
Friday, November 25, 2005
The Akita Evita
Guess what? I can't fucking write. I don't fucking care. I care but I can't connect my thoughts or muster the energy to pick words. I cant even type.
I just watched my life flash before my eyes in the film version of the musical Rent.
I remembered the person I was, My cousin said the Maureen character reminds her of me, and it reminded me of me too- only ages ago. I see my self now in the character of Mimi, minus the habit and hot stripper body.
I remembered Aaron, my first love, an unrequited one. I spend a year waiting for him to ask me out, when I would assume he wasn't interested and would start to move on, he would make a point to suck me back in, fawning over him, just as he liked it (he liked the song "would you light my candle")
I remembered James, my former roommate and former friend, as masculine as Angel, who wouldn't come out to me even after ages of being friends and roommates. He turned ice cold and very cruel soon after I told him I knew.
Last night we watched Evita, and I remembered the ambitious, sexy woman I used to be, even if my character was lacking.
As I snarled at Madonna, singing a song that wasn't intended for her character, and another added in for the movie, I was reminded that it wasn't only Oprah that I adopted as a female figure in my adolecence, but also Madonna. I remembered that I saw the sleazy "Susan" character in "Desperately Seeking Susan" and chose to adopt the persona- at 12.
During both movies I remembered that I used to sing. I used to love to move. In spite of it all I lived my life. I used to look forward, to what my life could become. Now I just keep myself going. I spend my time trying to convince myself not to give up.
If anyone could get sick of reading about this all the time, imagine how it feels to feel it all the time.
mood: worn out
I just watched my life flash before my eyes in the film version of the musical Rent.
I remembered the person I was, My cousin said the Maureen character reminds her of me, and it reminded me of me too- only ages ago. I see my self now in the character of Mimi, minus the habit and hot stripper body.
I remembered Aaron, my first love, an unrequited one. I spend a year waiting for him to ask me out, when I would assume he wasn't interested and would start to move on, he would make a point to suck me back in, fawning over him, just as he liked it (he liked the song "would you light my candle")
I remembered James, my former roommate and former friend, as masculine as Angel, who wouldn't come out to me even after ages of being friends and roommates. He turned ice cold and very cruel soon after I told him I knew.
Last night we watched Evita, and I remembered the ambitious, sexy woman I used to be, even if my character was lacking.
As I snarled at Madonna, singing a song that wasn't intended for her character, and another added in for the movie, I was reminded that it wasn't only Oprah that I adopted as a female figure in my adolecence, but also Madonna. I remembered that I saw the sleazy "Susan" character in "Desperately Seeking Susan" and chose to adopt the persona- at 12.
During both movies I remembered that I used to sing. I used to love to move. In spite of it all I lived my life. I used to look forward, to what my life could become. Now I just keep myself going. I spend my time trying to convince myself not to give up.
If anyone could get sick of reading about this all the time, imagine how it feels to feel it all the time.
mood: worn out
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Thanksgiving
I had a hard time getting out of bed this morning. Why? Probably because of the difficult day I had to look forward to: I have to lounge around with my beloved family and eat tons of delicious food that I didn't even have to cook. With a difficult day like that to look forward to who WOULD be able to get out of bed?
One thing I am thankful for is I am aware that I am depressed. I am aware that even if I had a million dollars, a perfect husband and the ideal job, I would still feel depressed. I am thankful that I am aware that it is an incorrect perception brought on by incomplete neural interactions, and not a flaw in my character. I am also thankful that I have discovered something that is able to transform my mood, even when it is dark, when I read or listen to Buddhist teachings I feel like I can see a path out of this annoying cycle, I know I will still need medication and therapy, but I feel hope that my misery will not forever feel helpless, and instead that I will be able to transform it into compassion and happiness.
I am thankful that even though I feel miserable, I am able to see past the misery and be aware that my life is wonderful, full of wonderful people, full of wonderful experiences. And even if I don't feel it, I am thankful to know that I am a very fortunate person.
mood: a little flat, but I feel clear-headed at least
One thing I am thankful for is I am aware that I am depressed. I am aware that even if I had a million dollars, a perfect husband and the ideal job, I would still feel depressed. I am thankful that I am aware that it is an incorrect perception brought on by incomplete neural interactions, and not a flaw in my character. I am also thankful that I have discovered something that is able to transform my mood, even when it is dark, when I read or listen to Buddhist teachings I feel like I can see a path out of this annoying cycle, I know I will still need medication and therapy, but I feel hope that my misery will not forever feel helpless, and instead that I will be able to transform it into compassion and happiness.
I am thankful that even though I feel miserable, I am able to see past the misery and be aware that my life is wonderful, full of wonderful people, full of wonderful experiences. And even if I don't feel it, I am thankful to know that I am a very fortunate person.
mood: a little flat, but I feel clear-headed at least
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Oversensitive
Today I made brownies for a church event this evening. I put half of the brownies in the pan and then added pecans to the second half so there would be a choice of nuts or without. Then, I frosted the middle half of the brownies, so there were 4 choices, frosted, with or without nuts, and not frosted (my favorite) with or without nuts. Silly maybe, but it pleases me to offer up so many options.
I walked into the kitchen to see a note "Mom, I tested these to make sure they weren't poisonous." I of course had to take a bit too, I added "me too" (poison could metabolize differently maybe) I saw a bit later it had been amended "me three."
It was a large jelly roll pan and 1/8 of the pan was missing.
My aunt blew in like a tornado, "Wheres _ _ _?" "Her sister took her" I responded. She saw the brownies "Well good thing I didn't use all of the pumpkin bars, those were for the congregation" At that point I rolled over on my cousins big time. THEN she says "why aren't they frosted?" I mousily responded "they are half frosted, so people have a choice...I'll frost them all if you want" "I don't have time! Bah dah da..dah dah" She apologized quickly and blew out as quickly as she arrived.
See? A funny day in the life of a family. Funny, funny, funny. It was a whole hour ago and I still feel mortally wounded. I imagine a big part of my depression could be a result of me being so rediculously sensitive that someone looking at me funny hurts (honestly.) Truth is I feel ultra-sensitive like this more when I am depressed, when it is in remission things roll off me easier.
Last night I had a great time bonding with my aunt. She mentioned (in a positive way) how since I disappoint so much that my cousin feels at ease with me, like I don't put pressure on her or something nice but I didn't take it as nice. I rolled around in bed that night "disappoint...disappointment...disappointed" the sick feeling in my chest was terribly painful.
I have had my up times today. I listened to the entire book-on-tape "The Art of Happiness" by the Dalai Lama, and while listening to it I felt hopeful. I dragged myself out to the sunny day and took the dog for a walk, I wanted to run the whole time, but at least I got out there. I did 2 loads of laundry, enjoyed a bath, and made some delicious brownies...4 types.
I walked into the kitchen to see a note "Mom, I tested these to make sure they weren't poisonous." I of course had to take a bit too, I added "me too" (poison could metabolize differently maybe) I saw a bit later it had been amended "me three."
It was a large jelly roll pan and 1/8 of the pan was missing.
My aunt blew in like a tornado, "Wheres _ _ _?" "Her sister took her" I responded. She saw the brownies "Well good thing I didn't use all of the pumpkin bars, those were for the congregation" At that point I rolled over on my cousins big time. THEN she says "why aren't they frosted?" I mousily responded "they are half frosted, so people have a choice...I'll frost them all if you want" "I don't have time! Bah dah da..dah dah" She apologized quickly and blew out as quickly as she arrived.
See? A funny day in the life of a family. Funny, funny, funny. It was a whole hour ago and I still feel mortally wounded. I imagine a big part of my depression could be a result of me being so rediculously sensitive that someone looking at me funny hurts (honestly.) Truth is I feel ultra-sensitive like this more when I am depressed, when it is in remission things roll off me easier.
Last night I had a great time bonding with my aunt. She mentioned (in a positive way) how since I disappoint so much that my cousin feels at ease with me, like I don't put pressure on her or something nice but I didn't take it as nice. I rolled around in bed that night "disappoint...disappointment...disappointed" the sick feeling in my chest was terribly painful.
I have had my up times today. I listened to the entire book-on-tape "The Art of Happiness" by the Dalai Lama, and while listening to it I felt hopeful. I dragged myself out to the sunny day and took the dog for a walk, I wanted to run the whole time, but at least I got out there. I did 2 loads of laundry, enjoyed a bath, and made some delicious brownies...4 types.
Monday, November 21, 2005
Sweet Elixer
At my first appointment with my psychiatrist I held up a Diet Dr. Pepper and asked "If I have anxiety disorder, why oh why do I drink so much caffiene?" It was an easy answer for him "To compensate for a sluggish nervous system." I self medicate my depression with caffiene, the nerves fail to send a message from one to the next, and walking to the basket on the other side of the room for a magazine seems just too hard so I just sit on the couch, staring at the basket, wanting to read one.
Today was one of those days. Last night I slept 15 hours, FIFTEEN. And that doesn't include the nap I had during the day. I don't think this is as sad as it sounds, since I have begun flying, 3 times now I have slept for an entire day. Yesterday was certianly emotionally related, but I think it was also catching up.
I got up only one hour earlier than usual (even though I went to bed very early) and grabbed a magazine. (thank goodness I was able to ;) ) I took breaks from reading and thought of how little desire I had to get started on the day, even though my day will end at my family's house in the north of my state. I knew that depression is coming on, and that I had learned that caffeine can help me fire the nerve cells and keep me going. And here I am, posting, something I have a hard time motivating myself to do if I am feeling depressed.
Yay for lattes
mood: SOOOOOOOO BLAH! But better with a little cah-fay
Today was one of those days. Last night I slept 15 hours, FIFTEEN. And that doesn't include the nap I had during the day. I don't think this is as sad as it sounds, since I have begun flying, 3 times now I have slept for an entire day. Yesterday was certianly emotionally related, but I think it was also catching up.
I got up only one hour earlier than usual (even though I went to bed very early) and grabbed a magazine. (thank goodness I was able to ;) ) I took breaks from reading and thought of how little desire I had to get started on the day, even though my day will end at my family's house in the north of my state. I knew that depression is coming on, and that I had learned that caffeine can help me fire the nerve cells and keep me going. And here I am, posting, something I have a hard time motivating myself to do if I am feeling depressed.
Yay for lattes
mood: SOOOOOOOO BLAH! But better with a little cah-fay
Sunday, November 20, 2005
I challenge myself
Whoo-hoo! Today I put myself in a very stressful position. I decided to take my Dad, the person who stresses me out more than anyone else, to my first visit to the Zen center, a very important and very frightening move to make.
As I sat in the seats I realized I may have made a mistake there. I figured it was a nice way to bond us, to have SOME positive memories between the two of us, and perhaps to help him as well as me, but I forgot that when I am with him I regress a bit. The majority of the time I had spent in public with him involved me working VERY HARD to behave as if he was my parent and took care of me and that we were normal. In public I would behave as if I respected him and as if he invested anything but a paycheck to my upbringing, and in return he would behave that way too, (and get plenty of kudos for raising such a great daughter all by himself [nothing stings more to me than that])
We arrived at 9:45, 15 minutes early for the Dharma talk. Well I walked in the way you walk into most buildings, talking at a normal volume, laughing and joking, and someone was there to open the door for us. There was meditation immediately prior to the Dharma talk, it was right around the corner, and we had just stormed in. The very friendly man showed us to a place to sit where I was able to "meditate" a bit (I haven't begun much of a meditation practice yet, so mostly I just sat with my eyes closed and tried to calm down from my humiliation)
My dad wore tattered, stained jeans, has a long, out of control ponytail, and these rediculously long eyebrow hairs that he refuses to cut. His feet stunk, but fortunately only mildly today. A pretty lady sat next to him and treated him with kindness, I noticed him check her out twice.
As we sat and listened to the lecture I felt ready to leave when it was over. I felt just like I do with the museum, I know enough about art to have intelligent things to say, at least to say I understand some things, It is the same about Buddhism, yet while I was there I felt like an idiot, people were bowing when they entered and exited this one room. This feeling is residual social anxiety, that my father has this amazing skill of bringing out in me.
As we left I decided to come out of my selfish mode and at least feel good if he got something out of the experience (I did get SOMETHING out of it, it just wasn't what it could have been if I had chosen my first visit more carefully) he said yes and said something annoying, a really simplified version of the lecture. I felt the familiar feeling of me, feeling all of the stress, doing all of the thinking, with him just coasting along.
In the car I figured out something that pisses me off so royally about him. He has lived such a charmed fucking life. He was THERE during my tormented adolecence, he could have taken away some of my torment if he would have been awake and involved in raising me (that was my job apparently.) I realize he suffered (obviously- he was passed out drunk most of the time) but he so effectively put the stress of raising me on me, a little girl who had enough stress, a dead mom, a stepmom who left, the expectationto CONSOLE HER FUCKING DAD about her stepmom leaving, a passed out dad with an open front door that rapists could enter through, and the normal stresses of growing up (oh and school maybe [what is that again?]) At the end of all this he loves to say "I must have done something right because you turned out great"
Our old cycle seems alive and well. He hears a dharma talk and thinks it is congratulatory, I hear the same dharma talk and see it as instructional. He twists everything in the world into validations about the way he lives his life, I look at the world and sincerely evaluate the way I live my life. I work hard to challenge myself, so in my life I constantly improve. He works hard to avoid challenge, and surprise, he rarely improves. My annoyance with him was so high by the end of the morning that I said I wasn't hungry for lunch (I was) and I wanted to go home so I could process.
I got home and Tera and I watched, of all movies, Muriel's wedding (My dad, when sober, was EXACTLY like the mother in that film) I fell asleep towards the end of the movie and took a nap. I had nightmares and didn't wake up until 4:50 PM.
I overwhelmed myself today. Usually when I try to build anything more than a friendly formal relationship with my dad I end up in tremendous pain. I have experienced this enough times in my life to know it wont change, I need to accept that and stop trying (in order to protect myself)
mood: a little wiser (and if you don't count this- which I don't- I have gone about a week with out feeling depressed, crabby sure, but not depressed)
As I sat in the seats I realized I may have made a mistake there. I figured it was a nice way to bond us, to have SOME positive memories between the two of us, and perhaps to help him as well as me, but I forgot that when I am with him I regress a bit. The majority of the time I had spent in public with him involved me working VERY HARD to behave as if he was my parent and took care of me and that we were normal. In public I would behave as if I respected him and as if he invested anything but a paycheck to my upbringing, and in return he would behave that way too, (and get plenty of kudos for raising such a great daughter all by himself [nothing stings more to me than that])
We arrived at 9:45, 15 minutes early for the Dharma talk. Well I walked in the way you walk into most buildings, talking at a normal volume, laughing and joking, and someone was there to open the door for us. There was meditation immediately prior to the Dharma talk, it was right around the corner, and we had just stormed in. The very friendly man showed us to a place to sit where I was able to "meditate" a bit (I haven't begun much of a meditation practice yet, so mostly I just sat with my eyes closed and tried to calm down from my humiliation)
My dad wore tattered, stained jeans, has a long, out of control ponytail, and these rediculously long eyebrow hairs that he refuses to cut. His feet stunk, but fortunately only mildly today. A pretty lady sat next to him and treated him with kindness, I noticed him check her out twice.
As we sat and listened to the lecture I felt ready to leave when it was over. I felt just like I do with the museum, I know enough about art to have intelligent things to say, at least to say I understand some things, It is the same about Buddhism, yet while I was there I felt like an idiot, people were bowing when they entered and exited this one room. This feeling is residual social anxiety, that my father has this amazing skill of bringing out in me.
As we left I decided to come out of my selfish mode and at least feel good if he got something out of the experience (I did get SOMETHING out of it, it just wasn't what it could have been if I had chosen my first visit more carefully) he said yes and said something annoying, a really simplified version of the lecture. I felt the familiar feeling of me, feeling all of the stress, doing all of the thinking, with him just coasting along.
In the car I figured out something that pisses me off so royally about him. He has lived such a charmed fucking life. He was THERE during my tormented adolecence, he could have taken away some of my torment if he would have been awake and involved in raising me (that was my job apparently.) I realize he suffered (obviously- he was passed out drunk most of the time) but he so effectively put the stress of raising me on me, a little girl who had enough stress, a dead mom, a stepmom who left, the expectationto CONSOLE HER FUCKING DAD about her stepmom leaving, a passed out dad with an open front door that rapists could enter through, and the normal stresses of growing up (oh and school maybe [what is that again?]) At the end of all this he loves to say "I must have done something right because you turned out great"
Our old cycle seems alive and well. He hears a dharma talk and thinks it is congratulatory, I hear the same dharma talk and see it as instructional. He twists everything in the world into validations about the way he lives his life, I look at the world and sincerely evaluate the way I live my life. I work hard to challenge myself, so in my life I constantly improve. He works hard to avoid challenge, and surprise, he rarely improves. My annoyance with him was so high by the end of the morning that I said I wasn't hungry for lunch (I was) and I wanted to go home so I could process.
I got home and Tera and I watched, of all movies, Muriel's wedding (My dad, when sober, was EXACTLY like the mother in that film) I fell asleep towards the end of the movie and took a nap. I had nightmares and didn't wake up until 4:50 PM.
I overwhelmed myself today. Usually when I try to build anything more than a friendly formal relationship with my dad I end up in tremendous pain. I have experienced this enough times in my life to know it wont change, I need to accept that and stop trying (in order to protect myself)
mood: a little wiser (and if you don't count this- which I don't- I have gone about a week with out feeling depressed, crabby sure, but not depressed)
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Doomed
In the "Life" section of the USA Today there is an article which suggests to have a happy marriage "between 23 and 27 might be ideal ages" OH FUCK!
You may realize (I certianly do) that this is a big issue/fear with me. I have been unable to have many healthy relationships in my life, because I have been busy focusing on learning the lessons I wasn't taught as a young person because the my only daily resource to figure out the world was mentally ill and passed out drunk. I think it is perfectly reasonable that I don't have a lot of emotional experience with men, I had priorities, and I am glad I attended to them instead of to relationships.
I had felt fine about being usually single up until recently. I work at a company where it appears that 90% of my co-workers are married. Of my 3 best college friends, all of them are married and two of them have a child. Oh, and the friend I have had the longest just bought a house with her partner.
I figured out last night why my anxiety is up about this. I may be willing (and needing) to wait to get married, but my body is not going to wait until I am ready. No, I am not talking about my biological clock, I need too much medication and have 2 too many genetic mental illness to consider giving birth to be a good idea, its not my ovaries I am concerned about, its my appearance.
I went through puberty as "the hot girl" For a few years of my life if I liked a boy, all I had to do was talk to him and I would end up smooching him at the end of the party. I realize this is not a difficult or remarkable skill, but it was the framework I learned about boys from, I learned that who you are doesn't really matter, all that matters is that you look good, and then you get your way. I never really got my way, they never cared about me or anything that I thought, but as a desperately lonely little 12 year old I was willing to take the attention I could get.
As years passed and I got more average looking I learned that I can't just smile and have them wrapped around my finger, and I am still in the process of having the social skills and personality that will make me an attractive girlfriend. The anxiety provoking feeling now is that I am no longer particularly attractive, I am pretty blase about hair, makeup, and clothes (depression related) and since I feel that I am a few years behind others in personal skills I sort of feel like a bad candidate.
So I know what y'all are thinking, either "oh please" or "poor girl" you think that I don't think I am attractive enough to get someone. I know that I am attractive enough to get SOMEONE, but I don't want SOMEONE, I want someone great, I want to fall in love. I am sincerely concerned that the few men appropriate for me (rare- I am a unique person with a unique life) will be married soon (or already are), and the few that I have a chance to meet will overlook me, because where I am at right now I am neither remarkably beautiful nor am I any longer ambitious or enthusiastic. I wouldn't want a male version of myself, and I worry that by the time I am at the level I would want, my potential partners will be married already. Sure I will have a shot at all of them in 15 years when they divorce their first wives, but I don't want to be a second wife, I want to be an only wife.
I am aware that the answer here is work to become satisfied with myself, and that is when I will be ready. I know I will only be ready when I am completely happy without a man in my life. But writing about the pressure I feel from the world is helpful, because I am more aware of what the very strong feelings I am experiencing are. Perhaps if I was more in touch with them before I could have protected myself from being "touched inappropriately" by MacDuff (who, from this point I will refer to as "Peep" [named after his marshmallow cock])
One thing, on the way to being confident is, I need to lose some of this weight. I remember being much prettier about 20 pounds lighter than I am, I thought I was fat at the time, but I considered myself passibly attractive. I have lost some of my momentum on my "learning to eat right" program. I am sick and tired of recording everything I eat, and since I am not excercising much I am not seeing results fast enough to keep me motivated to continue (however I have lost a few pounds.) I imagine, that like my blog, I need to not beat myself up, just pick myself up again when I slip. This is not a diet, it is a "lifestyle change" so the challenges I am facing now are challenges I will face my whole life, and change doesn't happen overnight.
Having written it out I feel more in charge, and more of a sense of perspective. I do not have genuine pressure on me, I am just feeling imaginary cultural pressure, (and a body that doesn't seem to realize it's not going to give birth to children). I am BETTER OFF the way I have been throughout my life. I have prefered being alone than in a bad realtionship, and I am hella better off aging and losing my looks as a single woman than aging and losing my looks in a bad or unsatisfying marriage.
mood: a'ight, my leg is shaking and fidgeting though (burns calories!)
You may realize (I certianly do) that this is a big issue/fear with me. I have been unable to have many healthy relationships in my life, because I have been busy focusing on learning the lessons I wasn't taught as a young person because the my only daily resource to figure out the world was mentally ill and passed out drunk. I think it is perfectly reasonable that I don't have a lot of emotional experience with men, I had priorities, and I am glad I attended to them instead of to relationships.
I had felt fine about being usually single up until recently. I work at a company where it appears that 90% of my co-workers are married. Of my 3 best college friends, all of them are married and two of them have a child. Oh, and the friend I have had the longest just bought a house with her partner.
I figured out last night why my anxiety is up about this. I may be willing (and needing) to wait to get married, but my body is not going to wait until I am ready. No, I am not talking about my biological clock, I need too much medication and have 2 too many genetic mental illness to consider giving birth to be a good idea, its not my ovaries I am concerned about, its my appearance.
I went through puberty as "the hot girl" For a few years of my life if I liked a boy, all I had to do was talk to him and I would end up smooching him at the end of the party. I realize this is not a difficult or remarkable skill, but it was the framework I learned about boys from, I learned that who you are doesn't really matter, all that matters is that you look good, and then you get your way. I never really got my way, they never cared about me or anything that I thought, but as a desperately lonely little 12 year old I was willing to take the attention I could get.
As years passed and I got more average looking I learned that I can't just smile and have them wrapped around my finger, and I am still in the process of having the social skills and personality that will make me an attractive girlfriend. The anxiety provoking feeling now is that I am no longer particularly attractive, I am pretty blase about hair, makeup, and clothes (depression related) and since I feel that I am a few years behind others in personal skills I sort of feel like a bad candidate.
So I know what y'all are thinking, either "oh please" or "poor girl" you think that I don't think I am attractive enough to get someone. I know that I am attractive enough to get SOMEONE, but I don't want SOMEONE, I want someone great, I want to fall in love. I am sincerely concerned that the few men appropriate for me (rare- I am a unique person with a unique life) will be married soon (or already are), and the few that I have a chance to meet will overlook me, because where I am at right now I am neither remarkably beautiful nor am I any longer ambitious or enthusiastic. I wouldn't want a male version of myself, and I worry that by the time I am at the level I would want, my potential partners will be married already. Sure I will have a shot at all of them in 15 years when they divorce their first wives, but I don't want to be a second wife, I want to be an only wife.
I am aware that the answer here is work to become satisfied with myself, and that is when I will be ready. I know I will only be ready when I am completely happy without a man in my life. But writing about the pressure I feel from the world is helpful, because I am more aware of what the very strong feelings I am experiencing are. Perhaps if I was more in touch with them before I could have protected myself from being "touched inappropriately" by MacDuff (who, from this point I will refer to as "Peep" [named after his marshmallow cock])
One thing, on the way to being confident is, I need to lose some of this weight. I remember being much prettier about 20 pounds lighter than I am, I thought I was fat at the time, but I considered myself passibly attractive. I have lost some of my momentum on my "learning to eat right" program. I am sick and tired of recording everything I eat, and since I am not excercising much I am not seeing results fast enough to keep me motivated to continue (however I have lost a few pounds.) I imagine, that like my blog, I need to not beat myself up, just pick myself up again when I slip. This is not a diet, it is a "lifestyle change" so the challenges I am facing now are challenges I will face my whole life, and change doesn't happen overnight.
Having written it out I feel more in charge, and more of a sense of perspective. I do not have genuine pressure on me, I am just feeling imaginary cultural pressure, (and a body that doesn't seem to realize it's not going to give birth to children). I am BETTER OFF the way I have been throughout my life. I have prefered being alone than in a bad realtionship, and I am hella better off aging and losing my looks as a single woman than aging and losing my looks in a bad or unsatisfying marriage.
mood: a'ight, my leg is shaking and fidgeting though (burns calories!)
Marky
I don't know how much I have written about my friend sweet-stay-at-home-mommy and her family. She has asked me to write a recommendation letter for her son to get into a toutoring program for highly intelligent kids, and so I am going to use my blog as a place to pull out my thoughts before I write it.
I wont write much about SSAHM, our relationship is quite complicated, but I will say briefly that she is an achiever, always got good grades in school in spite of extremely full schedule. Most people wouldn't think "smart" the first time they would see her, because she looks quite a bit like a young Michelle Pfieffer, with long blonde hair down her back, with a little Cameron Diaz mixed in.
Her husband Tom is, well, a rocket scientist. No, seriously. He just got his masters in aerospace engineering and is not far from a PhD.
And then there is little Marcus. Oh Marcus. First off he is a sweetheart, just the most polite little boy you could ever imagine. This has very much to do with his unbelieveably dedicated mother, who protects him fiercely from the world's impoliteness (I don't necessarily agree with how she does it, but I think I should wait to have a kid of my own to protect before I judge) Not only are his manners wonderful, he is the most caring little child ever. One year, I think at 3, he had a jar of pennies he had earned for the times he was good, and when asked what he wanted to do with them he said he wanted to give it to the kids without food. Recently his mom asked what he wanted to spend the money he earned for a little gumball machine business he has, he said he wanted to buy me a car! (I told her I didn't approve, because it was teaching him I should be pitied for not having an unnecessary material item- but still, how sweet!)
So Marcus is cute, sweet and polite, they are a pretty lucky family to have a kid like that, but he is something else too. He's pretty gifted. I first noticed that he was "unique" a few years ago when he drew me a picture. It was a child-like picture of a car with a wheel zooming past it. He drew a picture of a story I had told his mother when he was about 2 years old, of the time my wheel fell off of my car. When I was two I certianly wasn't listening to grown-ups conversations, even when I was 6 they were too boring to listen to, but he had absorbed it.
Something that is very obvious is his brain is incredible mechanically oriented. He LOVES to describe, in detail, the inner workings of Flour Mills, Steam engines, and different types of motors and engines. He is often zipping around the house pretending to be an airplane like any other 5 year old, but while he is doing it he is saying "Oh no! One of my spark plugs isn't firing, so my right engine is failing" as he veers of sideways (in much more precise detail but since MY brain isn't so mechanically oriented I cannot recall it)
I have watched him at the science museum, the demonstraters see him and seem to assume he will be bored with the experiments, but instead he is riveted and asks tons of questions. And he loves, just LOVES the steam engine there. He adjusts the levers (and I am pretty certian he knows what it is he is adjusting) and will literally stay there for an hour, not wanting to leave.
Besides his aptitude, what is remarkable about Marcus is his total enthusiasm about learning. He seems to enjoy it as play, and I think he is in a very special place to feel that way. To keep this wonderful perspective, he will need to be appropriately stimulated, enough so he does not get bored, but not so much that he doesn't have time to master the material he is presented with.
He is a person who could live a very happy life, he has a facilitative mother who wants all the best for him, and is willing to give what it takes for him to have that, he has the aptitude and enthusiasm that he could one day create something innovative, and he has the compassion that he would use this ability to create something to help the world.
I think I will re-write most of this and add at the end PUH-LEEEEEZ let him in! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE! That should get him.
mood: mildly anxious, not terrible, eating too much
I wont write much about SSAHM, our relationship is quite complicated, but I will say briefly that she is an achiever, always got good grades in school in spite of extremely full schedule. Most people wouldn't think "smart" the first time they would see her, because she looks quite a bit like a young Michelle Pfieffer, with long blonde hair down her back, with a little Cameron Diaz mixed in.
Her husband Tom is, well, a rocket scientist. No, seriously. He just got his masters in aerospace engineering and is not far from a PhD.
And then there is little Marcus. Oh Marcus. First off he is a sweetheart, just the most polite little boy you could ever imagine. This has very much to do with his unbelieveably dedicated mother, who protects him fiercely from the world's impoliteness (I don't necessarily agree with how she does it, but I think I should wait to have a kid of my own to protect before I judge) Not only are his manners wonderful, he is the most caring little child ever. One year, I think at 3, he had a jar of pennies he had earned for the times he was good, and when asked what he wanted to do with them he said he wanted to give it to the kids without food. Recently his mom asked what he wanted to spend the money he earned for a little gumball machine business he has, he said he wanted to buy me a car! (I told her I didn't approve, because it was teaching him I should be pitied for not having an unnecessary material item- but still, how sweet!)
So Marcus is cute, sweet and polite, they are a pretty lucky family to have a kid like that, but he is something else too. He's pretty gifted. I first noticed that he was "unique" a few years ago when he drew me a picture. It was a child-like picture of a car with a wheel zooming past it. He drew a picture of a story I had told his mother when he was about 2 years old, of the time my wheel fell off of my car. When I was two I certianly wasn't listening to grown-ups conversations, even when I was 6 they were too boring to listen to, but he had absorbed it.
Something that is very obvious is his brain is incredible mechanically oriented. He LOVES to describe, in detail, the inner workings of Flour Mills, Steam engines, and different types of motors and engines. He is often zipping around the house pretending to be an airplane like any other 5 year old, but while he is doing it he is saying "Oh no! One of my spark plugs isn't firing, so my right engine is failing" as he veers of sideways (in much more precise detail but since MY brain isn't so mechanically oriented I cannot recall it)
I have watched him at the science museum, the demonstraters see him and seem to assume he will be bored with the experiments, but instead he is riveted and asks tons of questions. And he loves, just LOVES the steam engine there. He adjusts the levers (and I am pretty certian he knows what it is he is adjusting) and will literally stay there for an hour, not wanting to leave.
Besides his aptitude, what is remarkable about Marcus is his total enthusiasm about learning. He seems to enjoy it as play, and I think he is in a very special place to feel that way. To keep this wonderful perspective, he will need to be appropriately stimulated, enough so he does not get bored, but not so much that he doesn't have time to master the material he is presented with.
He is a person who could live a very happy life, he has a facilitative mother who wants all the best for him, and is willing to give what it takes for him to have that, he has the aptitude and enthusiasm that he could one day create something innovative, and he has the compassion that he would use this ability to create something to help the world.
I think I will re-write most of this and add at the end PUH-LEEEEEZ let him in! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE! That should get him.
mood: mildly anxious, not terrible, eating too much
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
A shitty situation I had on my hands today
I am TERRIFIED of the bird flu, TERRIFIED. I am certian I am going to catch it and it will make my already difficult to manage life harder. I work on the plane, so I would be one of the first in the US to catch it if it spread like they are saying it might.
So today, my classy, classy airline, had no water in the bathroom for people to wash their hands. THEN, we didn't have anti-bacterial wipes to wash our hands either! NO WAY TO WASH YOUR HANDS! I was so humiliated making that announcement, I made sure to follow it immediately with the phone number and e-mail of the company.
I really didn't think that the job could get any worse, but now that the company that provides us with ramp, commissary, lav & galley water is bankrupt, it is as if we are bankrupt too. In fact, it's fair to assume that the bankrupt company servicing us is taking care of thier own planes first, and they were already staffed beyond their limits, so our airline runs less smoothly, and it never ran smoothly in the first place.
I need to buy a condo and go back to school.
mood: not bad, eating junk
So today, my classy, classy airline, had no water in the bathroom for people to wash their hands. THEN, we didn't have anti-bacterial wipes to wash our hands either! NO WAY TO WASH YOUR HANDS! I was so humiliated making that announcement, I made sure to follow it immediately with the phone number and e-mail of the company.
I really didn't think that the job could get any worse, but now that the company that provides us with ramp, commissary, lav & galley water is bankrupt, it is as if we are bankrupt too. In fact, it's fair to assume that the bankrupt company servicing us is taking care of thier own planes first, and they were already staffed beyond their limits, so our airline runs less smoothly, and it never ran smoothly in the first place.
I need to buy a condo and go back to school.
mood: not bad, eating junk
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
SO GLAD
My dad called me tonight to tell me he goes in for surgery tomorrow, he is getting a cataract removed!
I can't put into words how happy I am to know this. My dad is a craftsman, he works with his hands, he needs depth perception.
The surgeon is one of the best in the country! My dad has health insurance to cover the operation! This may seem normal to many people but it is a dream come true for me, I may have health insurance, but how can I be calm and happy if I know my own father doesn't?
Seeing my mentally ill father who has no retirement account with a cataract was really frightening to me. If his health is failing at only 56, how will he survive as he ages? Knowing he will have this operation is such a weight off my shoulders.
mood: not great, but it was great when I found out
I can't put into words how happy I am to know this. My dad is a craftsman, he works with his hands, he needs depth perception.
The surgeon is one of the best in the country! My dad has health insurance to cover the operation! This may seem normal to many people but it is a dream come true for me, I may have health insurance, but how can I be calm and happy if I know my own father doesn't?
Seeing my mentally ill father who has no retirement account with a cataract was really frightening to me. If his health is failing at only 56, how will he survive as he ages? Knowing he will have this operation is such a weight off my shoulders.
mood: not great, but it was great when I found out
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Yo solamente entendar uno idioma
Yesterday Lily called me and invited me to a prayer group/Bible Study. It was really cool. At the bible study was Lily, who is Dominican, 4 Mexicans, one Colombian one woman from El Salvador, oh, and me. All but 2 of them were Catholic. It was nice (I have never been to a Bible study before) They talked about what was going on in their lives, read a bible passage, interpreted it, wrote prayers for everyone in the group on a piece of paper and then one woman recited the prayers. Most of this was in Spanish. The best part was when everyone was praying, out loud, at the same time, in Spanish. I wouldn't say it was entertaining, that could be disrespectful, I would say it was fascinating, so different from what I am used to, but didn't seem wierd or crazy, it seemed very passionate. After the "meeting" we sat and ate Dominican food (it reminded me of Mexican food but not spicy.)
Later Lily trimmed mine, and another lady's, eyebrows, and most of the people went home. Lily then invited me to a party. It was a get together to celebrate a six year old's birthday. At the party we ate Mole (yes, a SECOND dinner) ice cream, and Birthday cake. At the end of the night we danced to Daddy Yankee in the basement, and then I spent the night at Lily's, and went to a spanish language mass with them in the morning.
I had a lot of fun, but was really ready to go home at the end of last night. It was SO much stimulation to be around a different culture (or should I say cultures) and I was not only worn out from the difference in national origins, but in the difference in class. Over the 2 days I had to look straight-forwardly into my own racist feelings and race-privledge, as well as being faced with the dilemma of how to respond when you (justifiably) disagree with something, without being judgemental, but from genuinely caring.
The racism and race privledge feelings I was confronted with was mostly class-based. At the party I chatted mostly with Lily's mexican brother-in-law. He was funny, smart, ambitious, and was really welcoming to me. But had I seen him on the street I would have plenty of pre-concieved notions about him, just by looking at him. He was short and mexican, wearing a form fitting black shirt and 4-5 chains around his neck. His wife, as well as many of her sisters worked in laundry at a nearby hospital. It made me feel even more embarrased to know that many people have the same pre-concieved notions, but actually think they have validity.
It makes me sick to my stomach to have to deal with the fact that privledge I live with is not universal. I saw at the checkout at K-mart how vigilant the sales-people are, they not only asked Lily a ton of questions when she presented her credit card, they had a person standing at the door checking the reciepts as we exited. I was enraged last month when the man at the airport store assumed I wasn't going to buy the expensive stealth bag because I worked for the regional instead of the mainline, I know I should be happy that I am confronted with that feeling rarely enough that I still let it upset me.
There were plenty of cultural things that struck me as "tacky" but were none of my damn business, but there were a few things that were fair differences in opinion, I had a hard time figuring out how, as a guest to their family, I should respond. With the first topic I responded altogether wrong. Lily and her husband bought their 3 year old toy guns! Not only did they buy them guns they let him pretend to shoot them AT people and at the dog (making him bark like crazy.) At the store I opened my fat mouth and said "your buying him toy guns?" It was none of my business, it wasn't my son, they were very nice about it, and I wished I hadn't said it.
In the car I guess I felt something was my business. There were only 4 seatbelts, so I tried to put the (big) 3 year old in the seatbelt. He wanted to sit in the middle, and whined and squirmed. The whole family seemed to be willing to give him his way (letting him be boss- worse than toy guns in my opinion) and I finally just said to myself "it's not my kid, at least I tried to put him in the seatbelt" and gave him his way- rewarded the 3 year old for whining! I have seen this kind of parenting before, it pisses me off royally, especially since my dad raised me that way and I resent it to this day. What is the cause of it? It's not that they don't love little Alejandro, he is their little sweetheart, they shower him with love and attention. I was going to call it a working class problem, but I realize that this is a problem in all of our social classes. I really think Lily and her husband are good people, She had her first child young, I help no-one by judging, but maybe as her friend I can non-judgementally suggest "My aunt used to do this when my cousin was misbehaving"
All-in-all it was a fun weekend, I was SO privledged to be welcomed into such a lovely group of people's circle of friends :)
mood: fine
Later Lily trimmed mine, and another lady's, eyebrows, and most of the people went home. Lily then invited me to a party. It was a get together to celebrate a six year old's birthday. At the party we ate Mole (yes, a SECOND dinner) ice cream, and Birthday cake. At the end of the night we danced to Daddy Yankee in the basement, and then I spent the night at Lily's, and went to a spanish language mass with them in the morning.
I had a lot of fun, but was really ready to go home at the end of last night. It was SO much stimulation to be around a different culture (or should I say cultures) and I was not only worn out from the difference in national origins, but in the difference in class. Over the 2 days I had to look straight-forwardly into my own racist feelings and race-privledge, as well as being faced with the dilemma of how to respond when you (justifiably) disagree with something, without being judgemental, but from genuinely caring.
The racism and race privledge feelings I was confronted with was mostly class-based. At the party I chatted mostly with Lily's mexican brother-in-law. He was funny, smart, ambitious, and was really welcoming to me. But had I seen him on the street I would have plenty of pre-concieved notions about him, just by looking at him. He was short and mexican, wearing a form fitting black shirt and 4-5 chains around his neck. His wife, as well as many of her sisters worked in laundry at a nearby hospital. It made me feel even more embarrased to know that many people have the same pre-concieved notions, but actually think they have validity.
It makes me sick to my stomach to have to deal with the fact that privledge I live with is not universal. I saw at the checkout at K-mart how vigilant the sales-people are, they not only asked Lily a ton of questions when she presented her credit card, they had a person standing at the door checking the reciepts as we exited. I was enraged last month when the man at the airport store assumed I wasn't going to buy the expensive stealth bag because I worked for the regional instead of the mainline, I know I should be happy that I am confronted with that feeling rarely enough that I still let it upset me.
There were plenty of cultural things that struck me as "tacky" but were none of my damn business, but there were a few things that were fair differences in opinion, I had a hard time figuring out how, as a guest to their family, I should respond. With the first topic I responded altogether wrong. Lily and her husband bought their 3 year old toy guns! Not only did they buy them guns they let him pretend to shoot them AT people and at the dog (making him bark like crazy.) At the store I opened my fat mouth and said "your buying him toy guns?" It was none of my business, it wasn't my son, they were very nice about it, and I wished I hadn't said it.
In the car I guess I felt something was my business. There were only 4 seatbelts, so I tried to put the (big) 3 year old in the seatbelt. He wanted to sit in the middle, and whined and squirmed. The whole family seemed to be willing to give him his way (letting him be boss- worse than toy guns in my opinion) and I finally just said to myself "it's not my kid, at least I tried to put him in the seatbelt" and gave him his way- rewarded the 3 year old for whining! I have seen this kind of parenting before, it pisses me off royally, especially since my dad raised me that way and I resent it to this day. What is the cause of it? It's not that they don't love little Alejandro, he is their little sweetheart, they shower him with love and attention. I was going to call it a working class problem, but I realize that this is a problem in all of our social classes. I really think Lily and her husband are good people, She had her first child young, I help no-one by judging, but maybe as her friend I can non-judgementally suggest "My aunt used to do this when my cousin was misbehaving"
All-in-all it was a fun weekend, I was SO privledged to be welcomed into such a lovely group of people's circle of friends :)
mood: fine
Friday, November 11, 2005
Thursday, November 10, 2005
ahhhhh
My annoyed energy relating to Tara has been relieved. I think it has 100% to do with blogging. I had the feeling, and instead of trying to pretend I didn't feel it I wrote about it and examined it. (Ok, 50% blogging, 50% Buddhism) The feeling has dissapated.
I think my feelings were, as I wrote before about my relationship with myself, about my relationships with past roommates, and I realize now I was associating the stress I had this last month with her, when it wasn't her at all, it was what I wanted the house to be like for her, even though she has been really laid back about the house.
I think part of my depression in the last month or so had to do with me not writing. I had lost my outlet and my tool of analyzing and dealing with life's stresses, and I had new stresses to deal with. I am not sure what it was that made me less eager to write, maybe I was unwilling to acknowledge my core feelings since they were so painful and embarrassing (I behaved like a doormat last month, and that enrages me.)
Maybe since I was "out in the real world" I mistakenly assumed I had to choose, "real world" or "inner world." What I should do instead is go into the real world, and regularly return to the inner world to process my "real world" experiences. This is how an introvert operates, they need time alone to get more energy, maybe my mistake has been repeatedly trying to be an extrovert, it works for them, but not for me.
I feel like myself again, I haven't felt like myself for over a month.
mood: happy? calm, like myself
I think my feelings were, as I wrote before about my relationship with myself, about my relationships with past roommates, and I realize now I was associating the stress I had this last month with her, when it wasn't her at all, it was what I wanted the house to be like for her, even though she has been really laid back about the house.
I think part of my depression in the last month or so had to do with me not writing. I had lost my outlet and my tool of analyzing and dealing with life's stresses, and I had new stresses to deal with. I am not sure what it was that made me less eager to write, maybe I was unwilling to acknowledge my core feelings since they were so painful and embarrassing (I behaved like a doormat last month, and that enrages me.)
Maybe since I was "out in the real world" I mistakenly assumed I had to choose, "real world" or "inner world." What I should do instead is go into the real world, and regularly return to the inner world to process my "real world" experiences. This is how an introvert operates, they need time alone to get more energy, maybe my mistake has been repeatedly trying to be an extrovert, it works for them, but not for me.
I feel like myself again, I haven't felt like myself for over a month.
mood: happy? calm, like myself
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
True Love
Tonight I went to a movie with my hairdresser Molly. She called and told me she was going to see "Just like Heaven" (chick flick) and I had already seen it, but since I didn't want to say no when she invited me out and it was the only one in the cheap theater I saw it again.
I saw the movie a month or two ago when I was on top of the world. I was feeling very optimistic at the time, and watching a romantic comedy made me thought "awww" and "I look forward to meeting someone someday" Watching it again with a different mood it was quite different, I thought "awww" and "will I ever meet someone? ever? am I going to be a cat lady?"
I realize now it's not being alone forever that I fear, it's being depressed forever. The awful feeling that I am doomed to be single isn't really accurate, I am comfortable single, it's being depressed that I am uncomfortable with.
Is this why I was feeling hostility towards my new roommate? Because she reminds me of the person I used to be? I swear there was a period in my life when I was happy, wasn't there? There was before my mom died. And I think when I left home for college I was happy, I no longer had my dad weighing me down and I felt like my life was whatever I wanted it to be. Can I get that feeling back, or was that just innocence, which you only get once?
It's not a man I want, if I would have gotten BK I wouldn't know what to do with myself, he would serve as a reminder of my absence of vitality, It's me that I want, healthy, active, fun, happy me. I don't know if I have changed too much, if this depression will be permanent. I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel for a short time, I didn't prepare myself that it will take a couple of tries before health is a long term thing.
Okay, okay, I know it's going to be okay. I know that in the end I will be so strong from all of these years of struggling. For a short time I allowed my inner drama queen to take over, but I think I got myself back on track, because I wrote it out.
mood: optimistic actually
I saw the movie a month or two ago when I was on top of the world. I was feeling very optimistic at the time, and watching a romantic comedy made me thought "awww" and "I look forward to meeting someone someday" Watching it again with a different mood it was quite different, I thought "awww" and "will I ever meet someone? ever? am I going to be a cat lady?"
I realize now it's not being alone forever that I fear, it's being depressed forever. The awful feeling that I am doomed to be single isn't really accurate, I am comfortable single, it's being depressed that I am uncomfortable with.
Is this why I was feeling hostility towards my new roommate? Because she reminds me of the person I used to be? I swear there was a period in my life when I was happy, wasn't there? There was before my mom died. And I think when I left home for college I was happy, I no longer had my dad weighing me down and I felt like my life was whatever I wanted it to be. Can I get that feeling back, or was that just innocence, which you only get once?
It's not a man I want, if I would have gotten BK I wouldn't know what to do with myself, he would serve as a reminder of my absence of vitality, It's me that I want, healthy, active, fun, happy me. I don't know if I have changed too much, if this depression will be permanent. I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel for a short time, I didn't prepare myself that it will take a couple of tries before health is a long term thing.
Okay, okay, I know it's going to be okay. I know that in the end I will be so strong from all of these years of struggling. For a short time I allowed my inner drama queen to take over, but I think I got myself back on track, because I wrote it out.
mood: optimistic actually
Uh-Oh!
DISCLAIMER: I sometimes think unpleasant and/or unkind thoughts. It is unfair to judge me for having these thoughts because all people have unpleasant and unkind thoughts, it is how people behave in reaction to these thoughts that determines their character. The way I responded to the unpleasant thoughts I was having on the day I wrote this was to honestly admit to how I was feeling and analyzing why I was feeling it. It worked.
ALSO: When reading this notice that I say REMINDS me of myself when I WAS less evolved, I did not call HER less evolved. (Take that you-know-who! MWAH!)
Uh-oh, my new roommate, REALLY on my nerves!
The one who is a clone of me, driving me crazy, not a good sign. She seems to be a clone of me, but of me in my pre-suicidal days. I feel like I am a few years ahead of her, and probably because she reminds me of myself when I was less evolved, it brings out the dislike I had/have for myself.
It's totally unfair to her. She is completely sweet. So why is she irritating me? I need to analyze it so I can fix my reactions and not be unfair to her.
One aspect: This is her first apartment, (She traveled the world after high school) I made a decision to let her do all of the decorating type stuff she wants, I have already had my first apartment, so why should I be a downer for that kind of fun? It's annoying me. She buys lots of name-brand products which to me just seems like handing money to Millionaire C.E.O.s saying "You need this more than I do." But guess what? I buy name brand products sometimes too! It is rediculous and mean for me to judge her for what she spends her money on. We had some clear plates, but she was really gung-ho on getting some fancy plates. I tried to convince her subtly that the dishes we have are great, but she seemed to really want the fancy ones, and I remember wanting that sort of thing when I had my first apartment, so I obliged, and went in on them ($40!) They are very pretty, crackly turquoise, the color of caribbian water on the inside, and dark brown on the outside.
I think I might have tapped into what is bugging me. She symbolizes temptation. I am trying to become less materialistic. I have pretty & functional plates, I don't need new ones, she, by wanting fancy plates is encouraging that attitude that exists in me of wanting more, not just appreciating what I have. She symbolises the person I was, the obstacles I have come so far in overcoming (materialism, brand-attachment) and I fear that she will drag me back in. This is not fair to her, it is my responsibility to stick to my own values, and none of my business to evaluate hers.
Emma and another roommate were very unfair to me. They judged my imperfections, even though I had a good heart. I don't want to do the same thing to Tera.
mood: calmed (was feeling very tense earlier)
ALSO: When reading this notice that I say REMINDS me of myself when I WAS less evolved, I did not call HER less evolved. (Take that you-know-who! MWAH!)
Uh-oh, my new roommate, REALLY on my nerves!
The one who is a clone of me, driving me crazy, not a good sign. She seems to be a clone of me, but of me in my pre-suicidal days. I feel like I am a few years ahead of her, and probably because she reminds me of myself when I was less evolved, it brings out the dislike I had/have for myself.
It's totally unfair to her. She is completely sweet. So why is she irritating me? I need to analyze it so I can fix my reactions and not be unfair to her.
One aspect: This is her first apartment, (She traveled the world after high school) I made a decision to let her do all of the decorating type stuff she wants, I have already had my first apartment, so why should I be a downer for that kind of fun? It's annoying me. She buys lots of name-brand products which to me just seems like handing money to Millionaire C.E.O.s saying "You need this more than I do." But guess what? I buy name brand products sometimes too! It is rediculous and mean for me to judge her for what she spends her money on. We had some clear plates, but she was really gung-ho on getting some fancy plates. I tried to convince her subtly that the dishes we have are great, but she seemed to really want the fancy ones, and I remember wanting that sort of thing when I had my first apartment, so I obliged, and went in on them ($40!) They are very pretty, crackly turquoise, the color of caribbian water on the inside, and dark brown on the outside.
I think I might have tapped into what is bugging me. She symbolizes temptation. I am trying to become less materialistic. I have pretty & functional plates, I don't need new ones, she, by wanting fancy plates is encouraging that attitude that exists in me of wanting more, not just appreciating what I have. She symbolises the person I was, the obstacles I have come so far in overcoming (materialism, brand-attachment) and I fear that she will drag me back in. This is not fair to her, it is my responsibility to stick to my own values, and none of my business to evaluate hers.
Emma and another roommate were very unfair to me. They judged my imperfections, even though I had a good heart. I don't want to do the same thing to Tera.
mood: calmed (was feeling very tense earlier)
Monday, November 07, 2005
Field Trip is over
Well folks, I was brave. I put myself out into the world, out of my comfort zone, and tried dating. I have made the decision to now return to my comfort zone.
The golf date is cancelled. Over the weekend BK and a girl he was seeing became official. I am quite disappointed, but on the other hand very ready to retreat back into my safe little cocoon of a life. I probably need to still heal from the MacDuff incident (I feel quite molested by the experience.) I tell you what though, dating a normal guy might have helped to drill in the point that I dont have to settle for someone who pressures me. But I probably wasn't ready. Him rejecting me because he chose another woman is probably nicer for my ego than him rejecting me because I cant open up.
I am mildly depressed right now. I am hopeful that not having the extra pressure of a new man in my life will allow me to deal with that quicker, but it could have had the opposite effect of giving me a reason to heal.
crap
mood: sortof patheticly sad, I gotta do something about that
The golf date is cancelled. Over the weekend BK and a girl he was seeing became official. I am quite disappointed, but on the other hand very ready to retreat back into my safe little cocoon of a life. I probably need to still heal from the MacDuff incident (I feel quite molested by the experience.) I tell you what though, dating a normal guy might have helped to drill in the point that I dont have to settle for someone who pressures me. But I probably wasn't ready. Him rejecting me because he chose another woman is probably nicer for my ego than him rejecting me because I cant open up.
I am mildly depressed right now. I am hopeful that not having the extra pressure of a new man in my life will allow me to deal with that quicker, but it could have had the opposite effect of giving me a reason to heal.
crap
mood: sortof patheticly sad, I gotta do something about that
Sunday, November 06, 2005
No date for me?
A week or two ago I went on a date with BK. He seemed great. We made plans to play golf today or tomorrow. Interestingly, neither of us called the other in-between the dates, I think that might be meaningful. For me I just loved the idea of the space, the possibility of meeting someone and still being able to continue my life as-is, without having to change anything around, and I liked it because it feels so distinct from the way MacDuff was. But if a man is willing to go two weeks without talking to a woman, I guess he isn't particularly enthusiastic about her.
I called him at noon today and left a message about times, where to meet, etc. It is 8:15 and he still hasn't called back. If he called back tomorrow it would feel somehow degrading to me, like it's okay for me to not make plans in order to wait for him.
My gut instinct tells me he isn't a jerk. My instinct says he is a relatively decent guy, which leaves me thinking that he had met a girl and/or is not interested, and not calling back is his wussy way of telling me.
I don't know how I feel about it right now. I feel a little bit of relief, because it gives me more time to recover from the MacDuff incident, but I also feel disappointed, and I am sorry to say, insecure. I hate that it feeds into my "he's too good for me" thinking (It's not like he is a supermodel or CEO and that I am shooting out of my league) I know that I need to break the pattern of dating obsessed-acting men, but I have a hard time knowing what I do wrong, what I do right and what to look for.
My intuition also tells me that he hasn't gotten home yet today, so he hasn't gotten my message yet, but since we said that it would be today or tomorrow, if he wanted me he would have called already.
I have a bit of a lump in my throat, I hate the feeling of rejection, or worse, being treated with less respect than I deserve. I know that sometimes a person just wants something different, not better, but still it's hard to shake the "not good enough" feeling.
mood: disappointed, sad, hurt, angry
I called him at noon today and left a message about times, where to meet, etc. It is 8:15 and he still hasn't called back. If he called back tomorrow it would feel somehow degrading to me, like it's okay for me to not make plans in order to wait for him.
My gut instinct tells me he isn't a jerk. My instinct says he is a relatively decent guy, which leaves me thinking that he had met a girl and/or is not interested, and not calling back is his wussy way of telling me.
I don't know how I feel about it right now. I feel a little bit of relief, because it gives me more time to recover from the MacDuff incident, but I also feel disappointed, and I am sorry to say, insecure. I hate that it feeds into my "he's too good for me" thinking (It's not like he is a supermodel or CEO and that I am shooting out of my league) I know that I need to break the pattern of dating obsessed-acting men, but I have a hard time knowing what I do wrong, what I do right and what to look for.
My intuition also tells me that he hasn't gotten home yet today, so he hasn't gotten my message yet, but since we said that it would be today or tomorrow, if he wanted me he would have called already.
I have a bit of a lump in my throat, I hate the feeling of rejection, or worse, being treated with less respect than I deserve. I know that sometimes a person just wants something different, not better, but still it's hard to shake the "not good enough" feeling.
mood: disappointed, sad, hurt, angry
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
I am a guinea PIG
Yesterday I ate a bag of cookies and a candy bar that were provided free in the hotel. I didn't feel "guilty" but I did feel like if I was going to have a treat, the quantity and timing were not appropriate, and that I would need to figure a way to keep myself from eating that way.
I decided to try an experiment, a very FUN experiment, I decided that today I would eat everything I wanted, the way I do when I am severely depressed (I have a hard time telling myself "no" to the tiny amount of pleasure offered to me at those times) It was a very enjoyable experiment and BOY OH BOY did I learn!
This morning we stayed at a Hampton inn, which always has a huge breakfast available. I chose the tempting treats, but didn't eat that much (quantity wise) at all! I had a small waffle (about the size of a deck of cards) a small chocolate chip muffin, and a sausage patty. I also drank milk with it, skim milk. Get this...984 calories! The foods were small, but very calorie dense, and the milk may have been skim, but the 3 cups of it really added up!
On to lunch. I decided to eat a "snacky-grazy" kind of lunch that is easy to eat on the road. A banana here, a cup of yogurt there, fat-free fruit snacks here, and a cup of ramen (it's only soup, how bad could it be?) This not-decadant snacky lunch?...960 calories!
Then there was dinner, the kind of sinful dinner you might have with friends...Dairy Queen. I had a Burger, fries and a Blizzard (of course) the fries and blizzard were small, I mean, I am no glutton. Yeah, dinner was 1534 calories. Enough for an entire day. AN ENTIRE DAY!
Adding these calories up, I ate enough calories to gain half a pound. You heard me. In one day, when I am depressed, I could eat enough food to gain half a pound! I knew depression was a fatal disease, but I didn't know it could kill you in so many ways!
What a fun and meaningful experiment. I do not regret that today I ate enough calories to cancel a week of eating well, I think the experience may have taught me something that will save me in the future. When I am depressed I abuse food, I ABUSE it, like a drug. Abusing food is not benign, it is very serious. The weight gain is not only enough to kill me with heart disease, it is something that contributes to my low-energy and therefore makes my depression worse.
This experiment, and signing up for ishape (I swear they aren't paying me for mentioning it so much!) has taught me that my weight is under my control, I CONTROL IT! That is SOOOO empowering. I can easily live on 1600 calories a day, easily. And I could easily die from eating like I used to. Thank god I am learning it now.
mood: empowered (and full!)
Breakfast: 984 Calories: 60.0 % carbs, 19.9 % protein, 20.0 % fat
1.0 ea NutriGrain Cereal Bars-Mixed Berry KLC
1.0 ea Sausage Patty
0.75 ea Frozen Waffle
2.0 tbsp Maple Pancake Syrup
1.0 ea Chocolate Chip Muffin
36.0 fl oz Skim Milk
Lunch: 960 Calories: 76.7 % carbs, 8.0 % protein, 15.1 % fat
1.0 ea Banana
0.5 cup Canned Apricots in Heavy Syrup
1.0 package yogurt cup
1.0 package yogurt cup
1.0 package fruit snacks
1.0 package Ramen Cup
Dinner: 1534 Calories: 44.3 % carbs, 13.3 % protein, 42.3 % fat
1.0 ea IceCreamBlizzard-ChocChipCookieDo-Sml DQ
1.0 ea Homestyle Deluxe Double Cheeseburger DQI
113.0 gm Sm DQ fries
I decided to try an experiment, a very FUN experiment, I decided that today I would eat everything I wanted, the way I do when I am severely depressed (I have a hard time telling myself "no" to the tiny amount of pleasure offered to me at those times) It was a very enjoyable experiment and BOY OH BOY did I learn!
This morning we stayed at a Hampton inn, which always has a huge breakfast available. I chose the tempting treats, but didn't eat that much (quantity wise) at all! I had a small waffle (about the size of a deck of cards) a small chocolate chip muffin, and a sausage patty. I also drank milk with it, skim milk. Get this...984 calories! The foods were small, but very calorie dense, and the milk may have been skim, but the 3 cups of it really added up!
On to lunch. I decided to eat a "snacky-grazy" kind of lunch that is easy to eat on the road. A banana here, a cup of yogurt there, fat-free fruit snacks here, and a cup of ramen (it's only soup, how bad could it be?) This not-decadant snacky lunch?...960 calories!
Then there was dinner, the kind of sinful dinner you might have with friends...Dairy Queen. I had a Burger, fries and a Blizzard (of course) the fries and blizzard were small, I mean, I am no glutton. Yeah, dinner was 1534 calories. Enough for an entire day. AN ENTIRE DAY!
Adding these calories up, I ate enough calories to gain half a pound. You heard me. In one day, when I am depressed, I could eat enough food to gain half a pound! I knew depression was a fatal disease, but I didn't know it could kill you in so many ways!
What a fun and meaningful experiment. I do not regret that today I ate enough calories to cancel a week of eating well, I think the experience may have taught me something that will save me in the future. When I am depressed I abuse food, I ABUSE it, like a drug. Abusing food is not benign, it is very serious. The weight gain is not only enough to kill me with heart disease, it is something that contributes to my low-energy and therefore makes my depression worse.
This experiment, and signing up for ishape (I swear they aren't paying me for mentioning it so much!) has taught me that my weight is under my control, I CONTROL IT! That is SOOOO empowering. I can easily live on 1600 calories a day, easily. And I could easily die from eating like I used to. Thank god I am learning it now.
mood: empowered (and full!)
Breakfast: 984 Calories: 60.0 % carbs, 19.9 % protein, 20.0 % fat
1.0 ea NutriGrain Cereal Bars-Mixed Berry KLC
1.0 ea Sausage Patty
0.75 ea Frozen Waffle
2.0 tbsp Maple Pancake Syrup
1.0 ea Chocolate Chip Muffin
36.0 fl oz Skim Milk
Lunch: 960 Calories: 76.7 % carbs, 8.0 % protein, 15.1 % fat
1.0 ea Banana
0.5 cup Canned Apricots in Heavy Syrup
1.0 package yogurt cup
1.0 package yogurt cup
1.0 package fruit snacks
1.0 package Ramen Cup
Dinner: 1534 Calories: 44.3 % carbs, 13.3 % protein, 42.3 % fat
1.0 ea IceCreamBlizzard-ChocChipCookieDo-Sml DQ
1.0 ea Homestyle Deluxe Double Cheeseburger DQI
113.0 gm Sm DQ fries
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