Sweet Solitude

I can't believe that I ever thought I didn't like myself. I like myself alot. I am my own favorite company. I am blessed this week because Emma is out of town and I have an extended period of days off. I am completely, and utterly alone- and I could not be happier!

The difference between an introvert and an extrovert is where you get your energy from. Extroverts get their energy from other people, introverts from being alone. For years I tested as 50/50. At times I like being the center of attention, I LOVE being adored! But as the years have passed I need that less and less. I am happy to watch and enjoy my friend being the star- and actually I have begun to dislike attention, including positive attention. I think that genuinely comes from self-esteem, I am getting better at guaging my value based on my own opinions, not on how I am recieved by others, maybe the love of attention was actually some validation I was looking for.

It is hard to explain what this lovely feeling I am feeling is. All my self-conciousness is dropped off. I am not concerned about how I might appear to anyone (I am very self concious that people are always evaluating me- oh yeah- thats called social phobia!) Wow, thats what it is. It is a temporary reprieve from the pain of social phobia. I am not able to feel this way when I have the whole day to myself and Emma will be home at the end of it, because I know she will be coming home, so I feel like I have to be ready, to be presentable, to "appear" normal. But not now. My hair is in an afro. I have coffee breath. I am wearing jeans with a silly pyjama tank top. And no one will ever know (well they wouldn't have- had I not posted it on the WORLDWIDE web) hee hee

I do love this feeling, and I wish I could have it at least once a month, but that doesn't mean I should live alone. Phobias are curable with Desensitization. Its when you expose yourself a little at a time to the phobia it gets weaker and weaker. The longer I go with out interacting with people, the stronger it gets, which is one of the reasons my job is so good for me, I do tons of public speaking, I have to directly speak to people and tell them what to do, and the interactions are temporary and relatively short, so if I feel I have been percieved negatively, I am rid of them in an hour.

If I had the choice of living alone again I would choose not to. If I ever get married I want to be used to sharing space, and a few years ago I went without a roommate for a month, and I got lonely! If Emma did move I would, however want a flight crew member to be my roommate, because then I would have more times like this week, where I could know I would have the whole day alone, and free from the percieved judgement of the world, like I am now....ahhhhhh!

mood: zen

J / Joan Armatrading lyrics / Me Myself I

Me Myself I

by Joan Armatrading

I sit here by myself
And you know I love it
You know I don't want someone
To come pay a visit
I wanna be by myself
I came in this world alone
Me myself I

I wanna go to China
And to see Japan
I'd like to sail the oceans
before the seas run dry
I wanna go by myself
I've just room enough for one
My myself I

I wanna be a bigshot
And have ninety cars
I wanna have a boyfriend
And a girl for laughs
But only on saturdays
Six days to be alone
Just me myself I
Me myself and I
Just me myself I

Don't wanna be the bad guy
Don't wanna make a soul cry
It's not that I love my self
I just don't want company
Just me myself I
Me myself and I
Just me myself I

I sit here by myself
And you know I love it
You know I don't want someone
To come pay a visit
I wanna be by myself
I came in this world alone
Me myself I