I recognize I have a hand in my destruction

Yesterday I was feeling a little resentful that I had to go to my Grandmother's (dad's side) house today. I wanted to stay home since I had to work tomorrow. I went, my Aunt and 2 cousins were in town, so I knew I had no choice. I can't put in to words how it felt. I was surrounded in the warm embrace of family. It was my grandmother & grandfather, two aunts, my dad, and 2 cousins.



I got my dad a subscription to International Design (I .D.)magazine. A good choice. He was impressed by the choice and really seemed to appreciate it. I had a mug with mainline's airline logos over the years. He used to be a partner in a graphic design firm and expressed displeasure with the new logo, pointed out from the design perspective how poorly done it was, especially since the prior logo was really excellent.

The best part of the trip was my cousins. A 14 year old boy and a 16 year old girl. These kids were phenomenal. They live outside a small city in Kentucky, yet they are less homophobic than me, a city kid, was at their age! They were really informed and open. I can't even begin to express how amazing these kids were! Oh, and they loved me. Both of them have puberty pouring out of every pore. The boy was showing off, talking about his martial arts. And the girl was just like me at her age...her eyes were on a constant boy hunt. She expressed genuine disappointment that it were only 2 cute boys waiting to see a Hod Rod parade. She seemed to jump out of her seat when I wanted to "talk" about her boyfriend. I think it's partly because her mom is a bit harsh (I experienced it personally when I was 13) but I think it's also because I am such a non-intimidating sounding board for that sort of thing. I feel unbelieveably privledged to to have them adore me so much (they almost literally followed me around- I ADORED it though- and ADORED them!)



I felt very "normal" this afternoon with my family. My grandpa's old and changes the subject while someone is telling a story. My dad (who's 54th B-day was today) told me and my cousin he was 59- and then didn't tell us afterwards that it was a joke and he insisted on cutting the cake while it was still lit. My aunt (cousins' mom) was cantankarous and sarcastic- but none of it felt sad and crazy, it felt kooky and hilarious- which on a good day- like today- is what our family is.



I am in a safe place, and my dad is taking medication and not drinking- so going there feeds me not drains me. I make the choice not to visit my family on either side (it was a healthy choice when my dad was sicker) but now that choice adds to my depression. It seems so crazy that I have a family, yet I crave family so much. I know there was a reason I distanced myself before and that served me at the time. But the situation has changed now, so the healthy choice is for me to change, and involve myself in their lives (and involve them in mine.) I am thinking creating a public photoblog would both welcome my family and friends into my life, and will allow me get to publicize local events and locations.

What a marvelous night. Oh...and did I mention that a very sweet pilot called me? A very sweet pilot who literally may have SAVED A PERSON'S LIFE!!!!! (An elecric scooter began to fall off a platform, and the pilot pushed a guy underneath it out of the way- and broke his own collarbone in the process! What a guy!

mood: safe (never imagined myself saying THAT!)