13 year old supermodels and hairy white thighs

I am in the northern part of my state right now at my aunt & uncle's house. This is the city I went to college in, absolutely beautiful, but with only about 89,000 people, too small-town for me. What I miss (even though my city is great for things like this) is the nature. Today we went to an art fair and went swimming. The parking was bad around the fair so my uncle dropped us off with their boat the "Northern Lights!!!" On the way there I rememebered hiking in the woods past the park, and skinny dipping in the red waters of the lake. I had to leave this city, I just didn't belong- but my family and the nature was what kept me for so many years.

Yesterday we saw my cousin (my #1 suicide preventer) in a "broadway camp" recital. It was so fun. My cousin is 13 and 5'10". She looked like a supermodel dancing with a group of 7-14 year olds, she was great. My only complaint was seeing my little baby cousin singing a line from a "Hairspray" song... "now I like to hang around with teenage boys" I could have done without that, but what are you gonna do?

After the show we had a barbecue at my Aunt & Uncles. Another aunt came to the BBQ with her 2 kids and after the barbecue we had a fire in their awesome portable fire pit (I MUST get me one of those!) We talked a long time that night and my aunt said she has seen wonderful growth in me in the last 6 months. I told her about the blog, and that I also think it's because of the museum, seeing that there are other people who think like me. My "weird" way of thinking is called by some people "creative" or "thinking outside the box" the blog and access to the artwork have exposed me to and validated that.

The most unhealthy thing about me is my self image. I have told myself that even my good qualties are flaws, and if something is so good that I can't deny it's an asset I tell myself how it could be better. How can I ever overcome depression if no matter what I do I tell myself I am a failure? Why will I continue to try if thats all I hear from myself? I have been fortunate to get positive reinforcement but for years I was able to filter and twist that too. (I am getting better at listening now- finally!)

I take a normal human foible that nearly every person has and say "Look! people with this mental disorder don't eat healthy food, I don't eat healthy food- I must have that disorder!" I stomped into my therapy appointment yesterday with the description of a mental illness telling her "Oh my god I have this" By the end of it she was laughing at me. I also asked what was the name of the mental illness where you want to rescue other people and she said "compassion." I walked in an unbalanced person with 4 mental disorders, and I walked out a caring person with only 3. That must have been the best therapy appointment ever :)

Dr. T also described something called Transactional Analysis. It was really cool. It was about how you interact with people Adult to Adult, Child to Adult, and Adult to Child. This is SOOOO descriptive of something in my life that I couldnt put my finger on. I interact with many people as Child to Adult, since I have felt, for as long as I can remember, feeling like everyone knew something I didn't know (most of them did- most of the people we interact with day to day were parented) When I am under or un-medicated I interact with more people that way- I feel chronically unequipped to make quality decisions so I give others more creedence than they may deserve. This also describes a big problem I have with relationships. It always seems to be Adult to Child or Child to Adult, I rarely seem to find the adult to adult dynamic- and I am creeped out by the other two so I usually bail. I think alot of this is because my mental development was accellerated (and arrested) when my mom died and so it's hard to relate eye-to-eye with any age group. For whatever the reason is I love having a name/framework for this gut feeling I had.

I have had a nice time up here, even though I was not 100% charming and entertaining like I expect myself to be. That is something I need to practice. I am not "on" all of the time, but I need to live my life anyway. I didn't feel high on love the way I did at my dad's birthday party, but thats okay, I am still surrounded by it.

mood: calm :)

Social Phobia update!

I was in a borrowed ill-fitting swimsuit with plump, white, hairy legs today (sexy image right?) and felt little to no social phobia. There were many attractive college kids around yet I didn't have that sense that they were all looking and whispering about me. And even if they were (I would have been ;)) I didn't care :) I was unwilling to walk down to the art fair without putting back on my jeans, but thats okay- baby steps :)