Emancipation from the Rut

I was so certain that when I woke up yesterday morning that I would be exausted and distressed. One month is not alot of time to find a quality roommate. Instead I felt very light, and had a wonderful trip. This is a really good thing that Emma is moving, we were in a rut.

Here's the thing, Emma and I didn't really hit it off when we met. I was not particularily fond of her, she rarely smiled and seemed to have alot of difficulty being warm. In her defense I was severely depressed when we met, I don't think I was medicated at the time, and we were living in an awful apartment.

The "senior" roommate had lied and said that there was someone living there who was trying to quit drinking. I took this to mean we couldn't keep alcohol in the house and that this roommate would sometimes be cranky. He wasn't trying to quit, he was a full on, bum on the street wino. (A great story, I must post it someday) Obviously, the "senior" roommate turned out to be a major enabler and very hard to live with. Even so I was bound and determined to stay, because of school I had moved far too much in the past years and had no desire to go anywhere. Emma decided to go. She and I had sort of bonded because of our mutual love of all things south asian, as well as being mutual voises of reason in an insane enviornment. While helping her and her friend look in the paper I got struck "I want to go too!" so the 3 of us planned to move, her friend's life was a little up in the air so she dropped out, so it was just Emma and I.

A few days we were to turn in our deposits and sign our leases she kept reminding me about it. I told her it pissed me off that she would think I would screw up such an important thing, I may be a bit air headed but when something is important I come through. Then, it turned out because it was a sunday or something my paycheck wouldn't come until the next day, so I borrowed money from my Grandma. I had with me some things that my Grandma had given me, when Emma asked what they were I made up some lie, because the last thing I wanted was to validate her bullshit lack of faith in me. After that day I suggested she do the bills and I pay her (I certianly didn't want that kind of attitude every month!) and she of course loved the idea (I would screw it up after all.)

Things went okay. I took the small room, because I knew it would make her happier. And we did okay. She has always been a bit arrogant, but I could deal with it. In a way, her arrogance was something I liked about her. She was very sure of herself, a woman who doesn't shave her legs, pluck her eyebrows, wear makeup, or use toothpaste very often. I thought that was cool, women are always valued by their appearance, and she didn't fit the mainstream mold, yet she felt great about her appearance and strongly about her opinion, which I thought was awesome. And besides that, she is a TON like me, so having someone similar to me think she is all of that made me feel complimented. The thing we didn't have in common was our way of interacting with people. I think it's nice to make people feel good, she seems to find that artificial, and so she comes off at times as very, hmmm...bitchy. I still like that about her because she is so, well...unique and sees no reason to change.

On my birthday she met a guy, and my opinion changed of her (or should I say I cared less about her at that point.) He started out okay but some minor jerky things started happening. We would talk about it and everything I would say she would contradict, everything. Even when she was saying the same thing. I just decided to tell her what she wanted to hear, which is really a step back from true friendship- if you care about someone you tell them what you truly feel, because its their best interest that you care about most. He ended up making her cry every other day and finally eventually they broke up. This isn't the first time that she blew off my opinion. There have been plenty of times that I have suggested something and she would disagree until someone else said it, or would attribute something I told her to someone else (heaven forbid a bubbly girl could say something intelligent) I realized this with the boyfriend situation.

Most of our living together was peaceful, but there was tension. My biggest problem with her was her problem with me. She would get upset about things that weren't fair, she wouldn't give me the benefit of the doubt, or she would get annoyed about clutter in the house, but not clean it up, just leave it there and be mad about it. And my biggest pet peeve is how helpless she was at times. There is a table where we put the remote controls, if a remote wasn't on that table she would ask me where it was, not even trying to look for it, and it would be on top of the TV.

When she was considering going to grad school in Timbuktu I realized how much I actually do like her and told her I wanted her to stay, (I said "If you move I'll die") but I said it hyperbolically so she would know that I support her either way. She never told me her choice about Timbuktu, I had to guess about it. And she only told me about her plan to move to a single the day before yesterday, giving me only a month to find someone (did I mention AHHHHHH! ?)

That said I now feel liberated, emancipated. First off she thinks she is smarter than me. She has a right because she got good grades in school, but over time I have determined that all things equal (parental involvement- life stability) we are about the same. She has an impression of who I am, and even if that isn't who I am it may have been based on who I was when we met. I know that isn't going to change. The way she acts with me (polite, but a bit tortured about it) pisses me off because I am sort of painted into a corner where the only way I can act is the same way with her (When I am relaxed and a bit bubbly she gets sort of taken aback) Living with someone who sees me that way cant be good for me. And its not good for her to live with me either. I am sort of coldly indifferent to her feelings as a reaction to how she unfairly percieves me, so I am not proactive in making her happy, I only go out of my way if it is to shut her up. (that is a bit of an exagguration, I am nice to her- I am mildly messy however)

Emma moving is good for both of us. I don't imagine we will be friends, mostly because trying to have a conversation with her is torture when she wants it to be (one word answers, contrary for no reason) but maybe we will like each other more when she is gone.

mood: light