Remember this? I know every word by heart

I Sort of Want To Jump Off a Bridge Right Now

Nov 30, 2007


Current mood:uncomfortable

Early this month I got a bad cold, which put me out for 2 days, and made me miserable for over a week, and now, I have the sore throat of all sore throats.

It started Monday, with a little mild irritation, then Tuesday it hurt, Wednesday it hurt to eat, and then yesterday I went to sleep at 4PM. Today I woke up unable to eat solid food. Even a banana hurt too much.

I went home early today and got an appointment with a nice doctor, they did a quick test for strep, and it came back negative. That doesn't mean I don't have strep, it means they have to do a longer culture. They even tested for mono! I don't want mono, I have a hard enough time juggling everything to add tiredness to it. The really bad news about the rapid strep test coming back negative is she didn't give me antibiotics today, which means tomorrow will be worse- how much worse can it get?

What pisses me off about this is I take 5+ vitamins a day. I do my best to eat enough vegetables, though they are hard to come by at the airport, and I wash my hands with those little towelettes probably 7 times a flight! So what gives? I confess I don't get as much sleep as I should, but I take pretty good care of myself, is a little lack of sleep a reason to get sick TWICE in one month?

I usually like to turn things like this around and say "Being sick makes you value being healthy" but I am not in the mood to have a good attitude right now. I would rather wallow, and feel like a victim, because my sore throat and lack of food intake are making me crabby :(

Please send Ice Cream

The e-mail I will never recieve

I slept horribly last night. I tossed and turned, and every time I woke up I checked if P wrote me to apologize. Of course he never will, not because he isnt sorry, but because he is spineless and married to a selfish manipulator. I am letting myself get down about someone who I knew very little about, for a very short time.

So I am going to write the e-mail to myself, to get some closure.

Dear Diana,

My wife doesn't know I am writing this, she feels hurt and I dont want to make her feel worse.

I really did have fun the other night, I really enjoy your company and think you are stunningly beautiful. (now readers, don't think this is arrogant to include in my imaginary e-mail- he kept telling me this!) But things still felt wrong to me. My relationship with my wife is very important to me, and it has been difficult trying to figure out how to best address her bisexuality. I am sorry you got caught in the middle of it.

I know you dont have low moral standards, and I think my wife was just reacting emotionally when she said that. She was hurt that you didn't want to meet her, and felt you were trying to take advantage of me by bringing alcohol. I kept telling you I dont drink often, I thought you would take the hint and not offer any more when you were having it.

I am sorry I dont want to continue our friendship, it would just be too complicated.

P

Feeling better

I was tired, overwhelmed from an emotional day, and had my feelings badly hurt. So I felt depressed for a few hours, 3 to be exact. I took a nap, had some food, and now I am feeling better.

One thing that is making me feel good is this new guy, he is online, but he isn't contacting me. I let him know that I need adequate space, and he is giving it to me. That puts me at ease.

So let me tell you a little bit about him. He was born in the south of Germany, he is now in business school, and is obviously very smart. Him and I have a lot in common, a high regard for sex, analytical minds, and it turns out, a sob story.

Here's the thing. He is remarkable, exceptional really, and he has what seems like everything I am seeking in a man. Not perfect, but it would be unrealistic to seek perfection, I would say it would be unrealistic to seek as much as I am getting.

So heres what I dont like. His teeth are yellow. Well, whitestrips can fix that. He had cheesy smelling smegma today. Well, I wont go down on him after he took a red eye from California. But there is one thing that worries me. He has had a hard life, and he seems to have a heavy heart. He lost family in Iraq, served in Iraq, was abandoned as a child, and after all of that is surviving remarkably well. But he does have some PTSD, and he only sleeps 2-3 hours a day he says. I think that it makes sense that he may not be the most cheerful person, but I hope I am not getting myself in trouble. Yeah, he's also 23. A mistake maybe? I dont know.

Okay, I am going to stop writing about him, I am writing to him now.

I feel so hurt

My feelings are terribly hurt still. So bad that I want to cuddle under the sheets in the fetal position. He should have defended me, I understand why he didn't but I am just so hurt.

Also, this boy that I met. I really need to write more about him, but I am going to write this before I curl into my fetal position. He came over, we werent planning to have sex so neithier of us showered, and he is uncut, and tasted like cheese. It was a turn-off and although I will be able to tell him in a funny and non-offensive way, that doesnt change the fact that I felt/feel sort of grossed out by it. It was a damper on an otherwise pretty good day.

...a good day until the mean names of course

okay, into the fetal position now...

Low Moral Standards

I was going to write about meeting a new guy. It was imperfect, but good in many ways, but I have to write about what just happend.

I put an ad on craigslist for friends, which could become more. One of the guys who responded was a guy in an open marriage. I had respect for the relationship's honesty so I was open to flirting with him.

I now met someone who might have potential, so I wrote to this guy and said "if you want to make out with me, we will have to do it this weekend, because I met someone." So we made plans to get together.

I thought, because I'm, you know, NORMAL, that we should have some wine or beer or something, I brought rum because that was all I had. My intention was to make out, but we had sex, (sortof) he only had a semi the whole time. It was fun, we laughed, and he had a tremendous crush on me for some reason.

So I chech my e-mail today and see this:

Hi there. My wife and I chatted tonight and we agreed that what happened between you and I yesterday night was too much too soon. My wife was not very happy that you brought the alcohol over. She was also very unhappy that you did not wish to speak to her on the phone or meet her when she got home. It led her to believe that you have low moral standards. She would prefer that I do not hang out with you, friends or otherwise. The trust my wife had in you to do well by us as a couple has been irreparably broken. Therefore I cannot communicate with you anymore in any form. I will be removing you from Facebook and MySpace. All the best to you.

What the hell? This woman is a mindfucker. She gets to not only have sex with a woman, she has a GIRLFRIEND, and he is supposed to just know about it, but be faithful to her. This isnt the first time that she has gotten jealous, they had a threesome and it screwed her up too. Shame on her for mindfucking this guy, and blaming ME because she is jealous, and shame on him for having no backbone. He should have defended me, but of course he wouldn't, because he has to live with her, and if he has already survived her having a girlfriend, she obviously has him eating out of her hand.

If she got jealous and changed her mind, that is perfectly okay. But to blame me because she got jealous is SO MEAN. My feelings are hurt, even though I know what she said about me is not true. This is the e-mail I sent:

Dear P and Wife,

I am happy to respect your mutual choice to not have contact with me, but the "low moral standards" comment is completely out of line.

I am a good, caring, and respectful person. I didn't force or manipulate P into anything. Alcohol is a normal "social lubricant" and if he didn't want to drink I wouldn't have cared.

Maybe the two of you have regrets about P having sex with another woman, but to say I have low moral standards is cruel, unfair, and JUST PLAIN WRONG!

You two don't seem like nice people anymore, to me, THAT is low moral standards

Offended,
Diana

I was interviewed for a magazine!

I'm so excited, I got interviewed for a magazine article about insomnia, and I was featured in the article! You can read it here:

Mongrel Magazine

You cant make this stuff up

I am sure there is at least one person who thinks my blog is made up. If I read my blog, or my life story, I would think that it was made up.

Mitch, the 64 year old man who I had sex with in Baltimore, is applying to become a priest.

He read me his essay.

I don't know what to say, except if he is ordained, I will have the privledge of saying I had sex with a priest (by choice)

You cant make this stuff up

Don't Wax Your Crotch

Are you people listening to me? Don't do it!

I like to have certian parts of my body hair-free, because it feels clean. It doesnt capture the smells down their the way hair does (which I think is the reason we have it there, honestly!) But I like to look normal from the front. I think this hairless trend is a little bit pre-pubescent looking, which is creepy.

However, the mons pubis is very sensitive, and when it's bare it feels nice against your clothes, I shaved it once or twice when I was younger, so I thought it would be fun to try, just for me.

Ow. Did you hear me? Ow. The mons pubis is sensitive, which means it has a lot of nerve endings. Hair torn from your butt does not hurt like this.

The waxer said "I usually encourage people to keep the dot on the i." Good advice. Ladies and gentleman...keep the dot on the i.

There is one good thing about this. I may have met mr. right. I'm serious. He might be mr right, the one. I will write more about him, but not on a post titled "dont wax your crotch" I have a date with him on monday, and while he is not going to see my dotless i, I am hopeful one day he will, and if he likes it, I can use the extreme pain that this procedure causes as leverage to get something from him. Most likely it will be for him to be clean shaven on his face (I'm not a fan of facial hair, and he says he has a goatee)

So ladies and gentleman, unless it is a tool to manipulate your partner into giving you what you want, KEEP THE DOT ON THE i.

What is Thanksgiving?

I was explaining on a non-american friend's blog what Thanksgiving is, then I realized people around the world might see thanksgiving on their sattelite, and decide to google "What is thanksgiving?" to find out. I will copy what I put on my friends blog:

Thanksgiving is an American holiday celebrating "thanks." We "give thanks" by sacrificing a turkey. We then put the turkey in a heated ceremonial box for 4-5 hours.

While the turkey is in the ceremonial heated box, usually the senior female in the household begins the potato mashing ceremony. In this ceremony she skins the potatoes, boils them, adds calf's food & a fatty substance, and mashes it all repeatedly, until it is a creamy texture.

The turkey & potato ceremonies are usually done by the females of the family. The males usually are huddled in a "den" around a box. In the box are images of men with round heads, running with a brown lemon-shaped object. The males can be heard chanting in unison "OOOOOOH!" and "YAAAAAAAAY"

When the turkey is removed from the ceremonial heated box, the males and females gather around an elevated flat panel, and eat the ceremonial items off of slabs of porcelain.

When the ceremony is over, it is customary to unbutton the top button of the pants, and to find a soft surface and sleep.

My normal life

I am in the crew lounge right now at our southern base. When we walked into the tunnels there were one inch cockroaches laying all over the place, I saw 3, and I didn’t have to look hard.

Life has been fine. My room is a disaster, but my life is okay. I put an ad on Craig list (for male friends- not dating) and I have been doing a little corresponding that way. I think a friends only ad is a great way to get to know someone then let it develop naturally. In my experience, going on a dating site is like “so- are we going to fall in love or what?” and I am not saying it’s just the men who do it. I am just as guilty.

I have bid for my Bangladesh trip. It will be in late July, early August. I am hopeful that Emma will not be tired of S asia and broke by then.

Serious things have happened though. My friend Joseph, the one who helps me in sponsoring Hufiz in Uganda, well he went to the bank, took out 4,000 dollars, and took a public bus to get back home. He got chloroformed and was in the hospital. I am so mad at him. Why would he carry $4,000 on a bus? In Uganda? Is he too innocent or what? I can't get much information from him, he also recently told me he's engaged. i am suspicious (and very protective) I pray that the money wasnt from the money for the well from Jennifer's church!

Kelsey is in touch with me, I think she doesnt have a lot of friends, maybe because she is not from this state, and maybe she intimidates people because she looks like a supermodel. (and she is flaky, no doubt) Thats cool, we had fun, and she was the muse that inspired the resurgence of caring about my looks.

So thats my life. I am spending my thanksgiving in Boston, which is cool. Someone else can have it off for a change.

Peace!

"The Morning After"

He did tap on the window. And I went.

But everything was fine. Basically, all he would have had to do is make a move, and I was vulnerable, but his game was weak. He said "I have a jet that massages my feet, it feels really good" But I had one too, so that trick to bring me closer didn't work. We talked about arranged marriages. He had one, which is weird, he is basically American, and his wife is Canadian. How weird is it for an American and a Canadian to live under Indian cultural rules! It was a good conversation. Nothing happened, which I am glad about to. I am sure I have slept with a married man before, but it was never intentionally.

I slept great. I had the funnest dream. I was taking a 2 week trip on a small boat. (Which of course was huge on the inside, because thats how dreams work.) In the dream there were men from every country. There were even Gypsies (which you had to watch out for) Many, many of these sailors preferred chubby women, and I was a big slut. (Not slutty for a dream, but slutty for real life) about half the time I was Mia tyler.

Beyonce was in the dream. Someone loading our stuff onto the boat knocked over my purse, and my phone went in the bay, so they gave me Beyonce's phone. One of the videos oh her phone was of her discovering an alien in the shower. Her and I squabbled a bit, but decided to try to get along.

It was a good night, which is good, because I forgot to refill my anti-depressant, and so I have been without for 2 days. 2 nights ago I had awful nightmares, so today I am glad to have had such a fun dream (so fun that I want to work on a boat!)

I like being happy. It sucks that it came from poisoning my body, but my body is already poisoned, so I might as well enjoy it.

May I have permission to sleep with a married man?

I am drunk. So drunk I almost wrote frunk. Can I sleep with my captian? PLEEEEZ? He's a whore. so sleeping with me would make no difference. I am really drunk. I am really horny. Please let me have no morals. I have morals, thats the problem.

You know what? What will I do if he taps on the window and says "hey, are y ou coming to the pool?" I said I would go, but I wont unless he taps on the window of the computer lounge. I wish I was not deleting all the mistakes I am making typing.

I hate not having a boyfriend. I WANT SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX

It is no fair. I want a boyfriend with out the work of getting a boyfriend. Maybe my boyfriend should be 64 year old man. He was good in bed. All I wnat intheis workld is sex, is that so bad? and good secx. I am sickl pf undoing my typos./

sex- foog. not having sex- bnad.

May I have permission to sleep with a married man?

I love it when I screw up!

Isn't it great when you think you have to be ready at a certian time, then you realize you had the time wrong, and you get a free hour? That happened to me today, and fortunately I figured it out now that I am awake with coffee in me, instead of when I was in bed, with control over the snooze button.

It's been quite a week. As you know I got a cold and took work off. Well during that time, Mitch sent me flowers and had been texting me and calling me every day since our encounter. He was saying he had feelings for me. I will be honest, I have feelings for him too, but not so much that I would go through the difficulty of dating someone so much older. I felt really sad when I was on my way home from baltiomore, but then I imagined what it would be like to date or marry him, all the stares and judgement and health problems, it brought me back to reality.

Well Mitch hadn't come back to reality yet. And I felt really crowded by our constant contact. Twice, when I forgot to call him (yes we were talking about intense stuff) he guilt tripped me, the first time pissed me off, the second time I told him I need about a 3 week break (I think he needs it more than I do, to get back into reality.) Believe it or not I miss him, but I prefer my space.

During this time I adopted 29 babies- we got a fish tank! I have been OBSESSED with it. It is pretty much stabilized now, but I have done SO MUCH work on it. Juan would do more, he has a lot of aquarium experience, but he has been working on a lot of accounts, and I was not willing to wait. I couldn't relax until the aquarium was healthy for the fish. I have a lot to write about there.

Also during this time I think my neighbor and I made a truce. His ex-girlfriend says he has worked to cut down on his drinking. I do miss him I guess, well, I miss the OLD him, the weird him that was coming out later on I dont miss.

Anything else happen in this very full week? Oh yeah, Wheelchair dude. We went to a concert. He has stopped being weird, he has given me my space. We had fun, him, me, and his 24 year old gay nurse, it was a good time. We went to a concert, and the music was NOT MY STYLE, so that wasnt a good time, but the banter and hanging out was fun. I'm glad. I think having a friend so different from me would help me grow into a better person, and teach me a lot. And of course I think I have a lot to give to a disabled person as a friend, by just acting normal. I know that not everyone is able to do this.

So what a week! And now I am back to work...Speaking of, I better start getting ready, I had SOME extra time, but not that much!

I feel SOOOO much better!

AAAAH! My mood and energy are so much better. If the flight left later today I might even go to work today, but I am thinking I am just going to stay home the whole trip, or maybe I will take a turn tomorrow, but thats it. I have to go pick up my purse, so why not make the trip worth my while, AAH fugedaboudit! I'm staying home and recovering.

I am getting a lot done. Once you have rested for 3 days you get restless!

And a great side effect? After sleeping for 2 days, I got up at 8 the other day, and now I am getting up between 7-9 every day. I love it!

I wish I was 50 instead of 30

I'm going to call 64 year old 60 year old "Mitch." He just had flowers delivered.

He's so sweet. I have such a crush on him, but this is NOT NORMAL! I guess this is why normal 30 year olds don't sleep with 64 year olds.

Don't carry lube in your purse

I left my purse on the plane last night. I was just too spacey in my head to remember it, fortunately, the flight attendant who took my flight found it, and turned it into my boss.

Here's the thing...there were 2 little bottles of massage oil in my purse, and they are KY brand, so people, including my boss probably think they are lube!!!

I have something to say about those KY sample packs. They make it seem like they are massage oil with a water base so if your hand touches a condom after giving a backrub, it wont break the condom, well they arent! They are massage oil packaged in the same package as lube! SO DANGEROUS! Fortunately we had no breaks, but if we had, I might have a 64 year old's baby!!! Insane

So the lessons today kids...check the back of your lube to make sure it is water-based and DONT CARRY LUBE IN YOUR PURSE!!!!

Sometimes its not a good thing to be such a tough bitch

As anyone with depression knows, you feel sick most of the time. If you have depression and you called in sick every time you felt like you couldn't go to work, well you wouldn't have to go to work, because you'd have no job.

So I try to never call in sick, even when I am sick.

Yesterday I felt a lot better, so I decided to go into work. I did fine for the first flight, but then we sat for 3 hours, and the second flight just felt really hard. I called in and went home.

The dumb thing is I felt so guilty. I felt like I was faking, I guess since I was able to stand upright I figured I am the picture of health. But when you have a head full of phlegm, it doesnt feel very good to be in a pressurized airplane. Not to mention the long hours. If I could work 5, or even 8 hours a day, I would be fine, but I can't handle the 12 hour days right now.

Its now my goal to drink more water than I have in my entire life. Water works miracles.

Amongst the Living

It's 5 to 9 in the morning, and I am awake, and human. I am so glad I trusted my instincts and just let myself sleep, I slept for nearly 2 days straight, with only small breaks in between.

I was going to call in sick last night, but now there is no reason for it. It will suck to have a stuffy head on the airplane, but if that happens I can just go home after the first turn.

I talked to 60 year old last night, he is really a sweetheart. Of all people to have my fantasy with, he was the right choice. He DESERVES it, as I think I do.

I came to a realization this morning regarding 60 year old, there is absolutely no-one on this planet that I can tell about this! Just my blog! I don't have a single friend or family member that I think wouldn't be shocked by it. I guess I wouldn't want my friends or family members knowing much about my sex life, but at least I have friends I can tell about most guys I sleep with.

I wonder if it's a blessing or a curse that I have been comatose the last few days. I missed out on any lonliness or confusion (there is no shame) but maybe I also missed out on the afterglow of having great sex! That feeling of having so much energy, that you can do anything. I guess I'll never know.

My Baltimore Adventure

My trip to Baltimore consisted of two parts. The first part, family time, and the second part 60 yr old man time.

I learned that my aunt and uncle are seperated. They had some problems before so I wasn't surprised, but it seems so unneccesary to me. They were married 30 years, so I don't want to judge. My uncle, very maturely, said "who says a marriage has to last forever to be a success? We had 30 years together, we grew alot, we raised 2 great kids, I say it was a success" All that matters to me is my aunt remains my aunt, and that no-one gets unneccesarily hurt.

Spending time with my cousin was great, we laughed alot, and found a flattering bridesmaid dress (although I am angry to learn I am size 18!) It was great bonding with all of them, I look forward to seeing them again soon.

The second half of the trip was my time with 60 year old, who it turns out is 64. It was such an interesting experience, though there is a little after-effects that I didn't expect.

He picked me up at my aunt's house, and he was wearing awful dark glasses that made him look creepy. I think he thought they would make him look younger, but instead they made him look like an old man who can't be trusted. I could tell my aunt was not impressed.

We got lost searching for the hotel. Then it took us a long time to get to the inner harbor, it was after 2 and we hadn't eaten yet. We stopped at a sushi place and then headed to the baltimore aquarium. The aquarium wasn't as great as I remember it being, but I think that's partially because I was so tense from my aunt seeing him, getting lost, being late, and people looking at us, wondering what we were about (he is a 64 year old Chinese man, there is no way he could pass as a dad.) I will say though, the octupus was awake and active, so that was worth the price of the ticket right there. We left before seeing the dolphins or Australian exhibit. I do regret that I guess, but I was just tired and overstimulated from the week.

We got on the wrong train, so we had to get off at another stop. He suggested getting a beer while we waited for a cab, I hated the idea, but there was a restaurant, and once we arrived, everything was calm.

The place was completely empty, and it was small so you could hear the rap music coming from the back room. We ordered a bottle of wine, but the guys were fumbling around with it for what seemed like 20 minutes. The food was good, and the wine helped. You could tell the guys in the back were very intrigued with our arrangement.

We took a cab back to the hotel, and the cab driver was even more intrigued. He even said "your a nice couple" which was funny to me. We got in the hotel room and started kissing immediately. He is a very nice kisser, and his mouth tasted the way raw pumpkins smell.

The sex was really great, some of the best ever. And one thing I want to say is, any feelings that a 64 year old is not sexy, because he or she has wrinkly skin, is self-hating. We will all have wrinkled skin one day, and it didn't look or feel bad, it just felt a little softer & looser than my skin. A sixty year old person is still a sexual person, they are just like they were when they were young, just with more life experience, and more aches and pains.

In fact, in the hotel room, we could fall in love. We were really in touch with each other, and it was really relaxing and fun. The only problem is the after effects. You shouldn't get an emotional attachment to someone that you could never have a normal future with.

I know I felt a little lonely the next day, and he said he was more fond of me than he expected. He suggested us taking a vacation to mexico or something, and I think that is a nice idea, but I don't want one of us to fall in love, because it can't end well.

And yes, I am including myself in that category of not wanting to fall in love. Even if he was 30 years old he is still catholic and republican, but I enjoyed him. He is very cute, though I dont think we have enough in common to have a real relationship.

I know now he is having a lot of catholic guilt, on my behalf as well. He thinks that my sexual history is bad, and though I would make different choices if I lived my life over, I am not ashamed of anything I have done, except when someone's feelings were hurt. I think his feelings are coming from a good place, a protective place.

So I had my older man fantasy, and although it wasn't exactly what I had in my head, it taught me alot. One thing it taught me is that I have a long sexual life ahead of me, and that makes me very happy. I also felt very beautiful, extremely beautiful, even with my chubby body and pale skin. I think feeling beautiful is the core of this fantasy, and it worked. Too bad I feel too stuffed up and tired to bask in the afterglow.

Skipping Class

I have a bad cold, I knew it was coming for a long time, but it took over yeaterday, and I have slept for the last 2 days. I am supposed to go to a running clinic tonight but I am skipping. I have a headache and the idea of running sounds bad, even though what I read online suggested it might help.

I am going to take a shower now, maybe the heat will steam up my sinuses and help.

Colds suck. Should I go to work tomorrow? I don't know