Good Article (what should I look for in a guy?)

http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/spiritualdating/4340/am-i-too-picky-when-dating

How not to help the homeless

Yesterday Emma and I walked to a coffee shop to plan our trip to Bangladesh/India, on our way a man "hard on his luck" asked for a dollar. I agree that you should never give a pan handler money, especially here in my city, where we have social services available. The reason I believe I should never give a pan handler money is they will likely spend it on an addiction, and some pan-handlers make a lot of money from pretending to be in dire need.

However, there is a basic principle. If a person needs food they need food. If they are an addict, then they REALLY need food, because they wont spend any money on food, only their addiction. So I have a policy if someone (In the US or Canada) begs, I will give them food, but never a penny.

So Emma gave him some spare change, and I said "I will buy you some food if you want" frankly expecting him to say no. Sadly, twice "hungry" people have told me no. "Could I have some money for food? No, I dont want your food, I want your money." So when the man said yes I was surprised.

There was an indian restaurant steps away with a menu out front. I was pointing out that there was some rice and dal (lentils) and I forgot that not everyone lived with a pakistani dude, so I accidentaly said "Dal" instead of "Lentils" and the guy started saying "Doll? Doll?" and said "Do they have a hamburger on there?" Emma pointed to a Super America across the street, and said "you can get a hotdog there" and I all three of us thought that was a great idea.

As we were walking in he asked if he could have something to drink, and I said "I can get some juice" and he said "No I dont like juice" and I am like, "fine, I can get some pop." So as I walk in I am planning to get him 2 hot dogs, a soda, and a salad. We approach the hot dog machine, and he points to some big hot dogs and says "I want those." I walked to the cooler and found some veggies and dip and approached him and made my bleeding heart speech "you dont have to eat these, just take them" and he said "I don't want that! I dont like carrots!" with such intensity I backed off on my "just take them" pledge.

So he is pointing to the big hot dogs, but they have a sign that says "not ready." so I say "eh, those arent ready, but those are" and he says "I dont want those ones, I want those." So my patience is being tested, and I say "look, my friend and I have things to do, I dont have time to wait for that" and he insists he will put it in the microwave, so I say fine. There is one bun, so I just get him one. He goes to get his orange pop, and I look Emma in the eye, and say "I know, I'm stupid" and he heard me.

So then he goes to the cooler with burgers and says "can I have this?" and I say "no" and he says "can I get some chips?" and I say "no." And he is standing in line with me and saying "your not stupid, your not stupid" and the more he says it, the stupider I feel. He says "can you just spare one extra dollar for the bus?" and I say "no." He says "your not stupid, you bought food for a hungry man" and I look at the hot dog and sunkist, and say "This doesnt really count as 'food'" and he kept blathering on, while I regretted not just walking by the jerk when he asked for money.

So I made the decision a few hours later, not only will I never give money to a panhandler, if I give them food, I will pick it out. I will offer them a turkey sandwich and salad (ranch dressing is fine) and if they say they dont want it I will say "okay, have a nice day!" and move on. I cant believe I let a jack-ass pressure me into paying for food that I don't believe in. Besides the protien in the hot-dog, giving that type of food to a person who's body is probably hurting from hunger & drugs/alcohol is like throwing money in the garbage. All it does is fills his hunger, and probably makes him sicker than he already is.

I look forward to providing healthy food to the next panhandler that approaches me, I can either get the warm fuzzy feeling of having given food to a person in need, or I can have another funny story about a person turning down food when they claim to be hungry.

Living with a transexual vegan can be tedious

One thing that makes me lucky, and makes being from a minority group unlucky, is that when you are in a minority group, and are often excluded and judged, you become obsessed with whatever your "title"/identity is. I am so gayed/transed/sexismed out. If your whole life is about how sexist/homophobic/racist whatever the world is, you see nothing else. I love getting to work and not hearing any statements about gay/transexual/or "women's" issues.

But the thing that is really annoying me, is the Vegan thing. Fine, you dont eat cheese, but you wont eat rice cheese, because it has casien in it? Or you wont eat smart balance margarine, you will only eat earth balance, because smart balance might have some tiny dairy product added to it? TIRING!

Honestly, i am just having a tiring week, and I am annoyed with her, like I would be with any roommate. If she were "the average" girl I would probably be annoyed with her being shallow. I suppose I can enjoy her veganism because I can stick my nose up at it while she is sticking her nose up at my eating style ;) And, she is inspiring me to eat more vegetables, which I love.

"Love at First Sight" or "Fun with Ethnic Stereotypes"

I truly believe that love at first sight is possible. A person falls in love at first sight, and then they start a relationship, and fall in love for real eventually. Sometimes a person falls in love at first sight, and then they dont fall in love for real, but they forget that they fell in love at first sight, so it doesn't count. So any-whoo I fell in love at first sight this week.

My racist vagina has the hots for (east) Asian guys lately. It's not that my vagina only loves Asian guys, Asian guys are just added to the list of men who I have the hots for now. Now it's up to East Asian guys, South Asian guys, Europeans, Latinos and Middle-Easterners. My vagina is very cultured.

So this week a hot as hell Asian dude was on my plane. He kept smiling at me, and looking at me every time I walked by, and I was in mad, mad love. To add to my love for him he was reading some technical looking stuff, which meant he was a smartie. I chatted with him and all of a sudden heard a Latino type accent, and when I looked at his name on the manifest, and it was Jose Wong. OH MY GOD I AM IN LOVE! Based on never-inaccurate-ethnic-stereotypes he is the man of my dreams. Smart, ambitious & hard-working, like an Asian stereotype, and lusty and passionate like a Latino stereotype. If he asked me to marry him on the plane I would have said yes.

At the end of the flight he was still hanging around on the plane when everyone got off, so I said "last one off has to clean the plane" and we chatted a moment. He mentioned, without prompting, that he is Chinese, born in Mexico, and working in the US. I gave him my e-mail address, without being subtle at all.

I havent heard from him, and I just googled his name to find, he's married! Of course he is. But you know what? I now have gotten to look into the eyes of the man I love, once again, and all the heartbreak of learning of his wife aka "the other woman" is worth it.

I miss him. Hmmmmmmmmm

...you know, I'm pissed

Geez! Who asked him? I am back to feeling all low and fat and ugly, and for what?

Why did he have to say that fucking "no chemistry" crack? I felt plenty of chemistry! Fine, the first time he rejected me without my prompting he was just saying "I don't want to date anyone right now" still stung, but just in case, he had to clarify: "I am not attracted to you, did I mention that?"

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Maybe if I am not dating, I shouldnt be friends with guys either. Not if it means getting rejected out of nowhere. God, he really knew how to make me feel like shit.

Tonight put the "kwa" in awkward

I just got home from the comedy show...thank god I am home. Not sure if I wrote this on my blog, but I was invited by the guy I went on an online date with to go to a show with a famous comedian, at first he said he would go in drag (from a joke we had told) and once I had established that he was serious I got really excited about it, because I love the drag aesthetic, and I was excited to see what I could create (on both me and him.)

A week or so ago, on the same day I got an e-mail from Charles, he tells me he is not going in drag. I was REALLY disappointed, and I told him that, because I thought it was lame that he said he would do it, and then backed out, and then his response was the very weird: "You said you were just interested in being friends, thats what I want in my life right now." It wasnt that big of a deal to me that he wanted to be friends, but it came out of absolute nowhere (thats a BIG leap, me putting lipstick on him, to me dating him!) And being rejected when I didn't bring it up really caught me off guard, so it hurt more than normal. It was like being afraid you might get hurt if you go outside, so you stay home, then someone knocks on your door and punches you in the face.

He had invited me to have dinner beforehand, and I accepted, but I was at costco and didn't feel like rushing, so I called him back and told him we should eat dinner on our own. I also put an envelope full of money in his glove compartment. The show was only $60, thank heaven, but I still didnt want him paying for it. I offended him, but I dont care. If he felt it was so important to clarify that this wasnt a date, then we can happily go dutch. (He didnt even hold doors for me- yuck)

It was such a awkward time. I felt resentful, even though I thought I was doing pretty well at first, basically though, I didnt feel the need to make an effort this time, and the conversation, based on his skills, fell flat. I just wasnt in the mood, I just worked 6 days in a row, including my birthday. Things would have been just fine if he hadnt said "I just want to be friends, you so obviously wanted more since you wanted me to wear heels and false eyelashes." The way things were going before was very flirtatious and joking, but now I felt pressure to not show my undying love for him. I will be honest, I was probably feeling interested in him, but that doesnt mean he had to nip it in the bud, and if he was going to, at least he should have done it at a moment that made sense.

I am just glad the night is over. The comedian is/was okay. I can see why people love him, I certainly like him, but there are comedians out there that make me laugh much harder. The beginning was really annoying, the crowd was laughing so hard at everything he said, like kiss-ass laughs, but eventually people relaxed and laughed for real, and even groaned at his bad puns (3 times.) His response was pretty funny, he was like "you can go"

I know myself. I clam up if I have been hurt.

...ha ha, he just sent me a myspace message saying "I know we dont have chemistry, but we should definately hang out again" I am just like "speak for yourself DECK" (I guess I was attracted to him, especially tonight, it might be because I am horny) Thank you, thank you for ONCE AGAIN hurting my feelings when I didnt ask.

I am a tulip

For real y'all. I have this thing bubbling up in me, and I dont know what is going to come up.

In my dreams, I am constantly confronting people and saying whats on my mind. Some people say nightmares are practice for dealing with real life, it appears a more assertive Diana has and is emerging.

But there is more. This heartbreak from Mike was like a final straw. I am glad about it, but I am for real done with men for awhile. I may need to get some sex, but I am not wanting a relationship, I just don't think anyone can satisfy me right now. The only thing that will satisfy me is to become the adult I want to be. When I say the woman I want to be, I mean the adult human being, sort of like with the same meaning "be a man." People never say "Be a woman" they say "You are being a woman" and they mean it as an insult. What I want to be in my life is a woman. An in control adult. And I am not talking about my personal life. I am talking about myself as a citizen. There is something growing in me, and damn it, it's radical!

This is why I see myself as a bulb. For years I have buried myself in mainstream anonymity, it kept me safe while I healed the wounds of my mother's death and father's abandonment via alcohol. But something is rumbling in my tummy. I just see visions of myself in dark basements looking at blueprints and planning protests, while avoiding the police. I am hopeful that we wont have a next president continuing the course this country is going in, but if our civil liberties are taken away, which they continue to be, what is next on that slippery slope. Could it be in the future that people could get arrested for peaceful protests? Could it be in our future that people get tortured for peaceful protests? Could it be in our present?

I feel like right now I am trying to figure out reality. I am finally ready to put aside my blinders of "Us" and "Vogue" magazines, (not Dlisted though, Dlisted IS reality) I need to dig deeper, trying to understand what is really going on in the world and America, and what needs to be done to make the world just, then go in that direction.

If I am a planted bulb, soon to sprout, how many people like me are there? I felt really inspired today, seeing "Dave Chapelle's Block Party." It made me think of woodstock. Are the 60's coming back? Are American youth too spoiled and soft to challenge the status quo? Are we too hypnotized by Prada and Chanel? I don't know.

I just hope that whatever comes up is balanced and accessible. I find some radical people to be really tedious, because they reject everyone except the people like them. I hope I continue to listen as much as I speak. I don't know what is coming, I am a little frightened, and a little proud.

I cried at the airport

The day before my birthday, I cried at the airport. Scheduling was an ass, and the lady at the yogurt store gave me a dirty look and said "NO" meanly when when I asked if the yogurt place was closed. I didn't care who saw, and sadly, no-one saw, because no one was looking.

UPDATE: my period was 2 days later

My most favorite, and least favorite Africans called me

My least favorite, Joseph. The one who stole the orphan Hufiz' school fees, claimed to be dead then called me to let me know he was alive. Yeah. I ended up hanging up on him. He had no remorse in his voice, it was as if he didn't even do it! I don't want to waste anymore typing time on him.

The other caller: CHARLES!!!!

Ok, Charles isn't my favorite African, Hufiz is, but Charles is a close second. It was so great to hear his voice, even though the phone cards cut off a lot. He is visiting the US on vacation, and I am so happy about it. He can bring books for Hufiz and I can just hug him, and know he is alive and safe.

Thank you Keely, thank you for being unpleasant!

I was just looking at hot ghetto mess, and remembered a rediculous racist thing I said as a young woman. I repeated some joke that a black comedian had said, and said that the Cosby show, with a black doctor and a black lawyer was unrealistic. I feel sick to my stomach just remembering that, and I want to avoid thinking about it any further, because I don't want anymore humiliating memories of myself as an ignorant ass.

So Keely, my bi-racial friend since Jr. High, was extraodinarily bitchy to me last time I saw her, and when I say extraordinary, I mean for the average person. For her, it was bitchy business as usual. Well I realized tonight how much she blessed me by being a big enough bitch that I never want to speak to her again. Now I never need to be reminded of my ignorant past. No one but her knew about the Cosby joke re-telling. Nobody but her knew about my gaffe of saying her boyfriend is a sweetie, even though he "tries to look all thuggish" (racist because it associates black fashion with thug-ism.) I never have to be reminded of the time I called her friend "D" by the name of her friend "C" (That wasn't a mistake because they were black, but of course it was interpreted that way, and can never be seen any other way.)

Most people are forced to be accountable to their stupid thinking/actions of the past. I am free of them, but she will have to carry them with her forever, because she never gave me the chance as an adult to redeem myself, and to see me for what I was: nervous, eager for approval, curious, and ignorant, but not intentionally. I have always had a good heart, and as I look back on myself, I see that, but forever, when she looks back on me, she will carry a racist person with her, because she never took the chance to see anything more.

When her and I lived together she was so mean to me. I got used to it, like a battered wife I guess, and it took her cousin to call her on it in front of me to realize that she, in fact, was a bully, instead of me deserving it for being...who knows, 5' 7"? For whatever reason a person could believe they deserve to be bullied. In a way we both had the same mental issues, the difference was I saw myself as needing to change, and she didn't.

So Keely, you are such a bitch. Thank you for that. The sentence for my ignorant youth has been commuted, although I plead guilty. Even better, I am freed from the prison of having to deal with you. Halleluja!

(I can say, seriously, she had a bad effect on my self image for years, like an abusive husband. Her little sister, who she also bullied, is now a prostitute)

I am so crabby!

Wow! I havent felt this crabby in awhile.

Ok, this is going to be a stupid post, because I am too tired (and crabby) to write anything.

I think I am crabby because I am tired from the beer last night, and because I ran today ! :) ! :) And maybe because I am hungry, but I cant be sure, because I was tracking weight watchers points, and I ate twice as many as I should in one day. Also, I am stressed about my cousin's shower coming up saturday. I am annoyed that things are not organized, but I am the maid of honor, so I should have made sure they were (her cousin wanted to throw the shower) I dont know what to get her, and I have to clean my room tomorrow too.

Maybe I just need some sleep. Sorry for the boring post

Drunk with no victims in sight

Ha ha. I am in my hotel room drunk. Not extremely drunk, but drunk enough that I just want to close my eyes and fall asleep without brushing my teeth, and drunk enough that I cant type.

My captian's birthday is today, and the F/O and I got him some cookies, I wrapped the box in maps from the flight magazine, and tied it with a bag tag. I taped it all together with pieces of bandaid, I am so awesome.

So I am sort of hot for this guy, though he is married, and just had a little girl. I am pretty certian the chemistry is mutual, because he picks on me SO BAD. I really would like to give him a birthday present...OH SHUT UP DIANA!

My hornyness has improved lately (meaning less insane.) I think I have discovered the reason for it, I have been working out more, and the sun has been out more, so all my electrons are firing.

Ok, I dont want to write anymore. I want to roll over, with unbrushed teeth & no medication, and just fall asleep. I wont do that, but I will get up and brush before it's too late.

Peace.

Oh, and I loved that airport cop. He was so hot, and had no ring on. I want a NY guido so bad. Is that racist? Yes. But I'm part greek, so it's the same right? Who knows. Get this girl a fling.

I'm a girl again!!!

AH! What a feeling! I have waxed my lower legs and (TMI alert) trimmed down the out of control hedges, I feel feminine and touchable again!

Its a dangerous prospect, me being touchable, because it means I might let someone touch, but I can't help it.

I'm not worried, I think I would only allow a positive person in my domain. Except a new artist moved in my building, and when he saw me all gussied up for a play Linda took me to he showed definate interest. Then again, he took interest in the made-up, dressed-up Diana, not the normal ponytail & jeans Diana, so I don't take it personally, though it's nice still :)

I am just doing so well. Sun & excercise are giving me energy and zest for life.

Enough with the nightmares already!

I have had nightmares the last 4 nights, what gives? The weird thing is my life is going really well right now, so I find the whole nightmare thing really confusing.

Last night was the worst of them all. I lost my job. I had to go into this big process where me and another woman were supposed to compete by explaining why we should keep the job, and I did, but she didn't and she still got the job. When I asked for an explination the guy was all venemous and hateful of me & my informal way of being.

That nightmare was so bad I had to get up and get something to eat. Then, I had another nightmare! I dreamt that I had taken a plum at the airport, thinking it was included as part of a continental breakfast, but I was wrong, so I paid with a 20. Then the people told me I had to wait to get change, and after waiting so long I was going to delay the flight, I had a shouting match with them. This is 2 nightmares in one night!

My guess about the nightmares is I am probably burning more calories than I am eating, so maybe my body is protesting a little at night. I have nightmares when I am too hot, of if my nose is plugged and my mouth is too dry, so the weight loss thing is my guess. I have been excercising every other day and the recovery process of course could be causing the nightmares too.

Oh well, I guess it's better to have an awesome life and bad dreams than to have awesome dreams and a bad life.

The hor-nayest girl in the world

Ok, so my heart has been broken, so I don't want a boyfriend, and my new goal in life is to only have sex if it is with a boyfriend, or soon to be boyfriend. So what is a hor-nay girl to do?

I am proud of myself from this weekend. There is a musician in Toronto who I have the hots over the internet for, and he has the hots over the internet for me. But, like every musician, he appears to be quite slutty, or at least he seems to think the world revolves around him. He has been quite rude over IM, hanging up abruptly, making me think he is responding to something I wrote, and he has my phone number, has never called, and hasn't given me his (not that I asked for it either)

Well we were supposed to meet on one of my overnights this weekend, and I didn't feel confident that he wasn't thinking something would happen. So I intentionally did not shave my legs (which I have done before to try to stop something from happening) I told him online about it in the afternoon, and his response was "ewww! Gross!" and I am not sure why it pissed me off. I too, think it's gross (sorry hippies ;) ) I think it looks very manly, but that was the point, It could keep sex from happening. I guess it made me mad because a guy who cares about you would be cautious about how you would feel. They might say "eww" but it shouldn't matter because when you sit and have a conversation with me, my pants are on. Also, I have hairly legs, its because I am lazy/have not had/will not have sex for awhile. I am not a freak because of it. The hair grows there. He's probably the kind of guy who would be grossed out by pubic hair. Stoopit. (oh, and side note- the not shaving trick rarely works. They usually want me anyway)

So I was really proud of myself. I was still willing to see him, but I took the phone off the hook at midnight. I know these types of guys. He would finally call at 2AM. I remember staying up late for Detroit guy, just to have him act like a ghetto asshole when I was starving to death and dead tired waiting for him so I could give HIM a present. Ideeot. I also took the windows IM program all the way off my computer. I have no desire to speak to him anymore. If he comes to my city on tour, great, if not, who cares. The only thing I got from our friendship was inspiration to make music (and to ask Mike for more attention) besides that, the only thing Toronto musician dude has to offer me is annoyance.

So good for me. I am hornay as a MF, but turned down some cheap and easy sex, (I was on my period which helped, I doubt he would be respectful about it) I have two other potential victims in my sights. One is Sadiq, He is back in my life, sortof, but he was bad in bed. He came in like 30 seconds, which was fine the first time, but the second time it just seemed selfish. He also woke me up in the middle of the night for sex when I asked him specifically to wait for 5AM. That was so selfish and rude. I am still pissed about that. Victim #2 I dont think I could resist if he came on to me. We went on a date from an online dating service back in the day, and we hung out the other day and he was cool. We are going to see Eddie Izzard next month, and we will be in close quarters because we are both going in female drag, and I am doing his makeup, which means being close up, and lots of touching. I just think I am too weak to turn down some safe dick right now. I am having dreams about it for some reason.

Poor me. My life is really difficult.

(wow! It has been 4 months since I have had sex! Good girl!)