Standing naked in front of the mirror

It shouldnt be this way, but having my body worshiped by Mike has shifted my perspective. I like what I see. My fat hips and thighs are now large and womanly, like the ladies from the paintings. My ghost white skin is now "Milky white." My lower-than-they-used-to-be breasts are now "full and soft."

And this has nothing to do with Mike, but I love having pubes. Coochies should have pubes. It just looks better.

Also, I have lost 2-7 pounds. Not on purpose, but it still motivates me.

I look SOOO good naked!

Those were the magic words I needed to hear, and he said them, without prompting. (BTW, he said I look good naked, he wasnt talking about himself)

I went to Mike's at around 6:30, and he made a yummy Indian-y dish, then we ate some Chinese candy and watched a cute Korean movie. When we put the movie in, his hands went right to the boobs, and stayed there most of the night, and the next day.

It was a sexy, but mysterious night. His pants stayed on the whole time, and I was down to my undies only. He hardly let me touch the little guy, when he did let me I can say it was a good enough size, not huge, but not tiny. I was worried it might be, which I could live with, but prefer it isnt. It was thick though :)

So my guess is he is shy. This is what he told me, and I can understand, I don't like recieving oral sex, and I am sure it partially comes from shyness too. I am willing to wait to let him relax. I appreciate getting my own time to relax too. And who can complain about having a man rub and caress her for hours with little reciprocation expected.

I am a little concerned because he said "this is better than sex." I guess a guy thinking foreplay is better than sex is a nce change from the tons of men who on't even know what foreplay is, but I just hope I will get some eventually. The difference between this and Charles is I didn't even like kissing Charles that much. I loved kissing Mike and laying skin to skin with him. And he doesnt snore like a motorboat. And he is American.

A funny thing is, I dreamt that I was dating Marilyn Manson, but then he tried to give me some drugs and I said "No. I don't do drugs, the only drugs I do are the psychotropic ones. I guess that means we have different lifestyles" and it was a sad breakup. Ha ha!

I had a good night and morning. :) I like him, and he also said "I like you" (without prompting) AND he said he likes my voice, AND, 0f course, that I "look great naked" which is the greatest thing I could hear, ever. Ladies...are you a little overweight? Find yourself a "boob man" and I dont mean this:

I am mad at Mike!

This is how pre-menstrual I am.

I am mad at Mike (already.) We have been on 3 dates, and only on the third date did I know he liked me. Then we made out on that 3rd date. Yet, there is very little communication between dates. He doesn't like the phone, which is fine, neither do I, but there are few e-mails either.

I could e-mail him, but anything easy to get is bad. Being too available is the quickest way to get a guy to lose interest.

So he gets me this easily? Seems unfair to me. I deserve more attention. It's not that I need the attention, what I need is the connection. If not, my mind wanders.

I do think he might be a little bad at dating, but I am just SO GUN SHY after the Charles situation. When I asked him to write more, told him thats what I NEEDED from him, his response was "we will deal with that when I get back to the US" 5 months apart and he couldnt even give me detailed e-mails. His mom had typhoid, and he didnt even turn to me. It still smarts, and it's been a year. A guy who was terrible in bed still has my heart in his hands. I have dated more than ever these last 2 years, but the heartbreak from that is the one that stays with me.

I don't ever want to be taken for granted like that again. After 5 years maybe its a little more acceptable, but we just started out. I am going to give it time for him to warm up, open up more, but I dont want to go through that again. Even if it is with a perfect man.

I am called Diana "Crabtree" for a reason

BECAUSE I AM CRABBY ALOT

and right now is one of those times.

I feel sooooo crabby!

It started when I got home, and I found my apartment lot, which has room for 6 cars, only has room for 4, because people are too selfish to park closer together.

I am also tense, because my new roommate has moved in (sortof) and it feels odd to have another person in "my" apartment. I feel invaded, which makes no sense of course. The good thing is she, and her BFF, are very nice people.

I am hoping that I am on my period soon. It just makes sense. I am testy and have put on 2 pounds (though I did weigh myself after going to an indian Buffet)

ERRRRRRRRRRR

NOooooooo! I cant stop myself

I need to leave on-------------SCRATCH THAT!

Oh, I was freaking out so much! I thought I would have no days to finish cleaning up for my new roommate, but I just discovered I have monday off, PHEW!

I want to take a nap so bad, (I was up until 3 central time for the THIRD night in a row!!!) But I thought this was my last day to clean, which freaked me out. But now I realize I have monday left, and interestingly, now that the pressure is off, I don't feel as tired :)

I am nervous. Tomorrow I am supposed to start a 5K running clinic, then go to a training at work, then go on my date with Mike! Thats ALOT in one day. I am thinking of cancelling the running clinic, but on the other hand, I think it might GIVE me energy, so I may keep that in.

I went to Target today and made a great realization. I have to wear XXL shirts & dresses, which makes me feel like shit. I am fat, but I didn't think I was too fat to shop in normal stores. Well I just discovered today, that in skirts I am a size 12! Maybe that is a vanity size, but it makes me feel much better. I need the XXL shirts because of my redonkulous rack, not because I have expaned that much over the years. All that has changed much throughout the years is I have discovered that I am an XXL in shirts. I used to wear L or XL, and I popped out of them like a sausage.

I did buy a skirt (XL, but too big- there was no L) and got my brows and bikini waxed. I have made a decision to stop getting brazillians as often, and I especially will always keep the hair in the front. I think having hair on there is like a new political statement. It says "I am NOT a member of this new MTV generation" I am a member of the "Puck" MTV generation. I am a member of the Martha Quinn MTV generation. I am a member of the Remote Control MTV generation. I am NOT a member of the Tila Tequila MTV generation. My generation had hair on our mons pubis damn it! LONG LIVE PUBES!!!!

So now that the pressure is off (to clean, not to wax off my pubic hair,) I no longer feel like I am going to pass out. I swear I am mildly narcoleptic. I get SO TIRED when I am stressed, like a little infant after being overstimulated. So maybe I will play online a little longer, then try on outfits for our date :) I cant wait.

(BTW, my waxer says the restaurant is not exceptionally fancy/expensive, but its still fancy to me :) )

The Man who caused my insommnia the last 3 days (TV Junkie)

Mar 21, 2008


Current mood:sleepy

The day before yesterday I was watching TV late at night, and a show caught my attention, and kept me up until 3AM central time. The last 2 days I have been up until 3 because of it.

The show was of a man’s video diary. He worked as a reporter on inside edition, and during one of his investigations, he discovered crack-cocaine. It was a Sundance award winning documentary called "TV Junkie"

I watched, in graphic detail, his rise and fall. It was tragic, but I am so glad I saw it. It showed me how an addiction grips a person, and steals their personality and free will.

My life has been affected tremendously by addiction. I have witnessed it in more than one family member, and had a roommate once, a trust fund baby with everything going for him, who was a cocaine addict. I have learned from these experiences that an addict is not the person they were before. You know they are lying because their lips are moving. I have a very hard heart when it comes to addiction.

This movie gave me some compassion that I was missing. You should never trust an addict, but you should continue to love them, and maybe still have hope that they can get better. Addiction regularly ends in death, but there is one alternative, and thats sobriety.

I hope you have never known, loved, (or been!) someone chemically dependant. If you have this movie is amazing. If you havent, well, this movie is still amazing.

Stalking has it's rewards

I used a tool on myspace where you put in your e-mail address and it finds myspace pages for the people in your contact list. And there he/she was, and old blog friend with whom things ended poorly, and of course I spied on the page.

He/she seems to be doing well. He/she dumped what I think was an abusive spouse and got married again. Hopefully things are as good for him/her as they appear.

I certianly wouldn't want to get back in touch with him/her, that "friendship" caused me a lot of stress, but I couldn't be happier to see he/she and his/her kids are doing well.

Smitten (AKA Date Number 2)

St. Patrick's day was date number 2 with the boy. What do I name him? Maybe Mike. Yeah, I will call him Mike. You are saying "But didn't he move to the US from China when he was 8? Why wouldn't you give him a Chinese name. But his name is western. I don't know if that is his name given at birth, but I do know that it is an old tradition for Chinese people (and maybe other Asians) moving to the US to adopt western names, easier to pronounce and less "othering" than Chinese names.

So Mike. MMMM. Well, we were going to go bike riding, but mother nature stepped in and snowed. I was sad, but okay with it because I haven't filled the air in my tires yet. So we agreed to see "No Country For Old Men" (Which of course, was great)

So things were different than they were the first date. We all have many personnas, and I think I have more distinct ones, because I am sort of shy and self concious (or maybe I am more aware of them.)

On the first date it was the core me going out with him. The sweet Diana. The soft underbelly girl who likes science. On date two it was the more well known Diana, a little more brash, sarcastic, telling lots of jokes. I want to be the softy Diana more often, but I don't often find myself in that mindset when socializing, especially with someone I don't know. But I like the way it feels to be the jokey, slightly cynical Diana. I feel in control. It's nice that I could show both sides of me, because they are both authentically me, so he needs to like both parts.

So remember, I hadn't at this point been certian of his feelings for me. I imagined he liked me, but the hug was so stiff, I couldn't assume. He insists on paying for both the movie and treats, so I am guessing that is a good sign we are not wandering into "friend" territory.

The movie is great, we watch the first half and at one point I swear he shoved my arm off the armrest! At first I was like "huh?" and left my arm on my lap, but then I decided to shove him back. I shoved his arm and he ended up holding my hand. I warned him that I have talons, and this movie kept scaring me, so he was at risk of injury. But he wrapped my hand in a ball and put his hand around it. MMMM zexy! Quiet dominance. Not to submit that easily I did a lot of sensual twisting with my hands, including brushing his fingers with the tips of my nails, which I assumed was doing the job, because when he put his arm around me I could hear his heart beating.

After the movie I mentioned I had things to do, but I suggested coffee. He seemed reluctant, and wanted to get stuff done to, so there was no coffee. We drove to my house and at the end I lingered a short second, giving him a chance to make a move, but I got diddly squat. So I opened the car door and he said "wait" and handed me a mp3 disk he made of "This American Life." Yall, I LOVE This American Life. I LOVE NPR and This American Life is my favorite show on NPR. So either this guy remembered that little tidbit about me, or he could figure me out enough that he thought I would like it. Either way, he comes out smelling like a rose. I was so happy to get that. I said "Can I give you a kiss?" and I guess I was planning to just give him a peck, or maybe some "church tounge" but thats it. But he went for the whole shabang. He was not a bad kisser, there were a few teeth bumps but that is work-withable. The kiss lasted a long time, and I finally pulled away. (he would have kept going) I said "Ha ha, you're the one who didn't want to have coffee" thanked him, and went to my apartment and put in the disk.

So...he likes me as more than a friend. And he can kiss. So things are looking ok. :) For date 3 he suggested a specific sushi restaurant. I looked at it online- it looks expensive! I don't think of myself as a materialistic person but it made me feel good that he suggested that. It makes me fell valued for some reason. When he suggested a free zoo as a first date (didn't cost either of us a penny) I didn't feel de-valued, but somehow a fancy restaurant makes me feel nice. I am excited, its the kind where you stand by the grill and watch the guy chop stuff up :)

Ok, I have to run, I should be at my plane in 5 minutes- oops!

Alli is working!

The highest point on my scale has been 205, and now it says 197. No, I did not lose 8 pounds, but this is a big enough variation to know that I am actually losing.

The REASON it is working, is because I am afraid of "treatment effects" so I am eating less, and less fat.

I am enthusiastic!!!!

The Dangers Of Splenda/Sucralose

It is very possible and very likely that splenda isn't healthy, especially in large quantities. Of course it isn't because I love it, and it tastes yummy and helps me keep my weight down (maybe)

Well I was researching online to see if I can use Propel to help keep myself hydrated when using Alli, and I found some page full of horror stories about the evil Splenda.

What I found really annoying about this page is it completely missed the point. People were having terrible reactions to it, but all that proves is they have an intolerance or allergy to it. Many people are allergic to shellfish, or intolerant to Gluten, does this mean we should make Cheerios illegal? Or take away the FDA approval of selling oysters??? Of course not.

Testimonials can create an emotional reaction, but they are proof of nothing. The only thing we should believe is clinical trials with double blind studies (especially longterm ones) And these studies should be done, or at least replicated by unbiased scientists, not ones paid by the manufacturer (or the sugar lobby for that matter)

I know I am taking a risk, eating this chemical with little long term research done on it. Maybe I should ban all artificial sweetners from my body for a month and see if I feel different.

But still, lady with an allergic reaction to it, I am sorry you got sick, but your flimsy "proof" of Splenda's danger only weakens the case against it.

Day one of Alli- uh oh!

I just got a great price on Alli, and took my first pill. The rule is you need to have less than 15 grams of fat per meal, or your butt will explode.

I had a south beach diet tv dinner, and a weight watcher's 2 point icecream bar. Light TV dinners are usually 5-6 grams of fat. Well I double checked to see if I could have another ice cream today, and I saw that the SB meal was 11 grams, which means I have had 16 grams! 1 over the max...

I will keep you up to date on my "condition"

UPDATE: Yes, I had "treatment effects" I will drink extra water, with propel mix in it, and start fresh :)

Don’t worry, I will spare you the gruesome details!!!

Current mood:relieved

I am not sure why I feel compelled to share this on my myspace, my guess is if I tell as many people as possible, I will be held accountable.

The last few months have been scary for me. My chest has been tight, and I have had problems breathing. I noticed it first in November, and it has gotten much worse this last month. These problems correlate directly to a 15-20 pound weight gain, which correlates directly to the time we started selling pringles and nutmix on the plane.

Yesterday I went to the doctor. They did a heart x-ray and an EKG. Scary stuff. I was nervous at the beginning of the appointment, but the Medical Assistant laughed like crazy when I told her the reason I gained all this weight was because I couldn’t resist the pringles and nut mix on the plane. I explained it’s like an alcoholic confronted with alcohol. She laughed, which made me laugh, and broke the fear in me.

However, when the doc told me my heart and lungs were fine, I did cry a little bit. I was more scared than I would admit. For some reason I am not afraid of death, but I am very afraid of disability. Life is hard enough, the last thing I wanted in my life was to have to "take it easy" and avoid things like running or fast biking.

So the verdict is the weight gain, not some cholestrol in the nuts/pringles is what is causing my breathing problems. So I need to lose weight.

I know what you are thinking "Please Athena, don’t lose any weight, you are already blindingly beautiful, if you lost any weight you would kill everyone in your path with your burning hotness." While this is true, I have to put my health first. I really have not been in the mood lately to go back to a steady diet of cheeseless sandwiches and salads with a tablespoon of dressing. But this breathing thing has really gotten on my nerves. Especially when I inhale loud enough for people to hear (it’s worse on the plane.)

So here is what the doctor gave me clearance to do...to try Alli. Have you heard of Alli? I am not trying it in order to "lose 50% more weight" I am trying it as a behavioral modifier. If I eat pringles or nutmix while taking Alli. I will get "sick" like a gastric bypass, but one that I can stop. It sounds funny that a person would go to such extremes, but I am serious when I say that I can’t resist the chips & nuts. I don’t keep junkfood in the house for the same reason. I just cant say no.

So wish me luck! I have lost weight before, so I know what I am doing. And THANK GOD I have no heart or lung problems standing in my way :)

Still depressed ???

I slept until noon today, and when I laid in bed, looking at my favorite websites I was still depressed. I was going to write a post about it, but I was too depressed, so I decided to have breakfast. At noon.

Once I got up I feel normal again. Not happy, but normal. I guess I just needed to move a bit, get some blood flowing. I am sure some coffee will help too.

I also took a test that I found from a link saying it was a racism test. It wasnt, it was a presidential test. It was so funny at the beginning, they had me click "good" for Barak obama, the words "friend", "love", & "happy", and then I had to click "bad" for a picture of Mike Huckabee, and the words "enemy", "horrible", and "hate" The only time I screwed up was when I laughed out loud at how funny it was to do this, and then I just quit the test. Oh well, they cant use me in their research I guess (and I cant find out that I am a democrat)

I feel embarrassed and depressed, but at least I'm not going to die

Well, I think I decided not to write about it much, because I wasn't going to the doctor for it, and I didn't want to be caught being dramatic. Thats how my life seems to go, I worry about something, and then I get dramatic, and then I look stupid when it's nothing.

I have been having breathing problems since november, and it got especially bad this last week. My chest has also been tight, but in a different way than it would be when I was anxious. I got worried. I just wanted to check it out.

The doctor gave me an EKG and heart X-ray, and listened to my chest, and heard no infection sounds, so she says it's probably anxiety and the weight I gained. Good news of course, but now I feel like a hypochondriac mental patient. Oh, a fat hypochondriac mental patient.

I probably should get a different doctor, I had a weird experience with her after a pelvic exam, she left the room quickly, as if she was grossed out. I am guessing it was my wax job, since I make it a habit to shower before someone is going to be poking around down there, but I think she should have been more sensitive. Most people don't like it when people act like their private parts are disgusting.

Right now I feel depressed. She thought reducing my medication wasnt a good idea (though of course she doesnt know me) I just dont feel like there is much to look forward to. Now I have to lose weight, or deal with stupid breathing problems. Yes, that is better than a heart condition, but you know what? If I had a heart condition at least then I would have a visible disease. A disease without the stigma that depression does. Of course there is the stigma that I am overweight, so people would judge me for that, so I suppose I should count my blessings.

I will be happier if I just lose this weight. Now I have a good reason.

Want to hear something funny though? I slept on my arm wrong, and it hurts so bad i must have pulled something.

I feel very negative right now. That sucks. I feel demeaned. Have I been? I dont know

Why oh why did I wait until the last minute???

As if I am back in college, it is 10 at night, and I am STARTING my homework for recurrant training now. And of course I am learning there is a lot more to do. When I was finally getting into it I got an e-mail from a guy I went on a date with on sunday.

I really liked him. He was smart and nice and cute. But when we said goodbuy I got the stiffest hug and he seemed to run away. So I was confused. But that same night I got an e-mail from him asking me out for next week, and at 2AM he sent a cute overanalytical e-mail about something I said. The next day (monday) I wrote him back in the morning, and I have not heard a thing from him until now, and all he sent was a message that he would like to reschedule until monday.

He is an engineer (read:nerd), and his parents are from China, so maybe he has a different communication style, but I still feel dissatisfied. Communication is needed to keep me interested. I have been thinking of him, so he should be thinking of me too if he's actually interested.

So now I feel anxious about tomorrow, and pissed about the guy. I feel like I have dated too much this year. It sucks so much to get my hopes up over and over.

Other news:

-Kelsey "90210 friend" texted me the other day, as if she never blew me off after I said I wouldnt move in with her, I never responded back

-Half Brazilian/Half Argentine man said he was coming to my city on Saturday, but because I sense he is bad for me (not enough attention- hes "just not that into me") I cancelled with him. I half lied and told him I was going to visit my friend's twins. I am, but saturday was not for sure. He never responded.

-I put a new fat picture of me on my myspace, and hot as hell pilot didnt respond to a message I sent him. Hmmmmm.

-I feel like there is more news. Hmmm, well I am having breathing problems and even chest and back pains lately. I have had them for months but now they are worse. I intended to go to the doctor this week but procrastinated, kind of like what I am doing now.

I am so sad about that boy. Even if he likes me I feel frustrated, kind of like the way things were with Charles. Another smarty-boy. ERRRR.

I don't want to workout, instead I want to eat.

I want to eat chocolate and something with cheese on it.

What is the deal? This isn't me! When I was eating well I felt better and had more energy, and working out makes you want to workout more, but I just cant get my momentum going!

I guess this is the trick. I am aware that I want to sit around and eat instead of working out, and I am also aware that if I push past this laziness, inertia will set in.

The worst thing is, at this weight when I see things like the "Coyote Ugly" reality show contest, or anything else with the hot bitches, I really recognize that that isn't me anymore. Those days were great, combining my confidence today with my body back then, I would be so happy. Back then all I felt I had going for me was my looks. Now I know who I am and what I want, but getting what I want man wise, isn't as easy as I would like. It's not that guys dont find me attractive, it's that I don't feel attractive, and I am not as willing to take risks. And I am not as turned on during sex. But who really needs sex anyway, when there is trail mix?

I guess I am glad I don't look like I did when I was younger, it weeds out the assholes. Come to think about it, when I dated Charles I lost a lot of weight. I didn't have to worry about meeting someone who would like me conditionally, so I felt confident enough to lose the weight. (He was even a little disappointed :) )

I can do this. I will do this. I just need to start. I am intimidated because in the running clinic I am supposed to be running 9 run/1 walk intervals, and that just sounds like so much to do alone.

I can do it