The deep void in my heart that needs to be filled

What is the first red flag that you don't want to date someone? When they have a void in their heart that needs to be filled. So I know better than to admit to mine, but my lowered medication is revealing the void's existance.

I really want a boyfriend, and I know it is mostly because I am hornier now with a lower SSRI dose, but also, I can feel my feelings more, and I know that there is an achy lonliness there. The good news is, I know a man wont fill that lonliness, because that empty feeling isn't because I don't have a man, it is because I don't have a mom.

It's been 21 years, so you might think I would move on eventually, and I pretend like I have, but I don't think the effects of losing her will ever go away. I know that when I was young, I put on a strong act so as not to worry my family, so maybe I need to go through another stage of grieving that should help, but I know that seeking a man to fill it can only lead to trouble.

Speaking of upbringing and men, I am sure I would be doing much better if my dad could have handled the job of raising me. I am old enough now to recognize that his dad was mean, and his dad passed down some lovely anxious genetics which gave my dad a one-two punch that made coping with being a single parent more than he could handle. So now I go through the world trying to weed out the "weak" men. Sadly, in my mind, any flaw at all is proof of being "weak" so how can anyone ever measure up? Even being too perfect is a flaw in my eyes!

One thing I need to come to terms with is I may not get to have children. My mind might not be ready for the right man in time for my body to be ready for children. It's interesting. I feel healthy enough to have kids, but not healthy enough to meet the right guy. I think it's because I only trust myself. I can trust myself to give the kids what they need, but I cant trust a man to give me what I need. Fortunately I only want a child once I have the resources to support it. I am def. not the woman who has a one-night-stand and pretends to be on the pill, like in that Heart song.

I am proud of myself for admitting that I am lonely. I have some pride issues that say "lonely=weak. I dont need anyone" which is so unhealthy. I don't want to roam the world alone, I want a partner, I am glad I am healthy enough to know I need to be healthier, so I can be ready for him.