Stupid shit

All this talk about a crazy pilot and my wanting to make out with him is just silly. Its just nothing.

I can't believe what I am about to face. A country full of death. A country full of children with no parents because they are dead. I know what it feels like to be a child and feel so powerless and afraid and alone.

I know that what I am thinking is going to happen, that I am going to hug an orphan and make them happy for a moment, it's just insulting. It minimizes their pain, trivializes it. I feel like my one week volunteering is no better than no weeks volunteering. It's a novelty act.

I am bringing some teddy bears, hand knitted to the children. I hope that makes a difference. But to say "someone loves you" is nothing. When I was a kid, if someone said "someone loves you" I would think- well where are they? I felt that with my family, they supposedly loved me, so why couldn't they take me out of that house, in squalor with my dad always drunk. I think of the intensity of my pain, and so I know that my experience cannot touch the intensity of their pain. I feel like reaching out to them is cruel, because I cant give them anything, so it's like false hope at best, insulting at least.

And I am embarrassed to write this, I have been bragging about the orphans. My intention of talking about it is partially just processing it, but I am also bragging. Their incredible pain is my "I'm so caring" badge. I'm fucking embarrassed.

I have some Thich Nhat Hahn & Suzuki books to take me through it.

I hope I can do something that will help.