I have created a monster

That monster is me.

I have turned into the drunk on male attention monster. It dominates my mind. In many ways it motivates me, but I am taking it too far. I DONT want to be that girl who needs attention so bad that she flirts with someone until they notice her, but has nothing but minor interest in them, just to get that attention "fix."

The making out with a pilot was either a really good idea, or a really bad idea. I haven't figured it out yet. The next day after flying with him I was simply lovesick. I can't think of any other words. The kissing was really passionate and aggressive, and he kept using the profane words for body parts and intercourse, which really turned me on, basically he just turned me on. And he didn't want me for anything but sex, so naturally I was turned on even more. Sad really.

So the next day I was just squirming in my seat. I could hardly read my book, my mind kept going back to the pilot. I kept my cool pretty well with him, but I was nervous, and not the sexy, confident minx that got all these boy's attention in the first place.

Things got bad when we got to Idaho. The van driver was skinny and by a man's opinion hot, and he was flirting with her openly. I felt so possessive and I went out of my way to be friendly to her to try to hide my contempt. I still hoped he would knock on my door for another round of sex-free kissing, but I didn't linger around him to give him any cues, so I don't suppose I should be too hurt. In the morning the jealousy was even worse. He was looking at some pictures on the wall of airline employees and saying "Dawn and Amber are pretty hot." I got mad again then, but I wonder if he was doing it on purpose because I saw him smile at me and I said "what? do you want my input?" I wonder if my talking a lot to the (cuter than him) blonde first officer brought out the same feelings in him.

My instinct is that the chemistry and sexual tension were as thick with him as they were with me, but I just don't know. At the end I said "I had fun" while walking off the plane (not lingering) and he said "oh yeah" in that eyebrows up and down sort of way. I even saw slutty-swagger pilot in the parking lot, that made me smile. As I drove home I felt glad the extreme sexual tension was over with, but at the same time I felt like I had just been through a breakup. This awful pain was there, but so was this immense desire to lose weight. I drove straight to they gym, and I have worked out every day since.

In fact, I have been eating well (well, not quite enough, but I will fix that) and grooming really well these last few days, I have this new sense of confidence, I am ready to live the life I have been missing these last years, not to mention my whole youth. I feel like I have been handed the chance to be young and fun again, while I am still young! I don't want to be the 45 year old lady carrying on like shes 23 (paging Dina Lohan) and I am at the age that I can get away with it.

So what is the best way to go? I think to enjoy the attention when I get it, and do all of the physical things to attract it, but not to behave in ways to attract it, just let it happen. But what if I get another opportunity to kiss? I know for one thing I will FOR SURE only kiss if I do anything (can you imagine the puppy love if I had sex with him?) and I also know that I probably will do it again, because I am weak like that.

I am only ending this because I have to go to bed, I have so much going through my head right now. At least I am grateful to be not-depressed :)