Lonely

Call me a pretentious elitist bitch, see how much I care.

Two people, person A and person B having a conversation, person A, say, has intelligence of 5 out of 10. Person B has intelligence of 6 out of 10. When person A makes a point at level 5, person B will understand where they are coming from, because person B operates on level 6. But when person B makes a level 6 point, the person on level 5 will not understand them. So person A feels understood and at ease. Person B feels misunderstood and alienated.

That is how I have operated a lot of my life. When I was growing up I think people at my level or higher were doing well in acedemics, so I wasn't around them as much, a lot because of my insecurity and jealousy of their success when my life was in so much turmoil. I spent a lot of time trying as hard as I could to date guys and be friends with people at a lower level then me. I spent a lot of time feeling like an alien from outer space, my ideas and perspectives on things being met with blank stares and indifferent shrugs. Lonely.

This is what happens ALL THE TIME when I have conversations with Tera. I am operating at a different level, not by much, so I am not as aware of it, but so many of the points I make are simplified and returned back to me in a completely different form than I intended them.

I dare you to call me haughty or arrogant. The fact that the circle I am surrounded with is mostly people with a different capacity to understand concepts that I do does not speak highly of me. It is a sign that I don't challenge myself enough. I don't see myself as being better than anyone because of my intelligence status in contrast to people around me, I see myself as needing improvement becuase of it.

I feel uneasy though about the idea of organizations like MENSA. I think organizations like that make it much easier for people to be self-congratualatory for being smart, which is pretty much something you are born with. I don't know if I could pass the MENSA test, I would like to try. I suspect that I could eventually pass, but it would be rediculous for me to feel special or superior because of it, because my intelligence is not a reflection of hard work. I have friends who likely would have a lower score on the test, because their reasoning and logic skills arent what mine are, but THEY have something to congratulate themselves for, degrees and careers, where me, with my higher score on a hypothetical test have not. I am not ashamed of my intelligence, I am very proud of it, but I dont feel like I should recieve a pat on the back for it. I fear groups like MENSA facilitate that type of back patting, and that is a bad thing because intelligence does not equal wisdom, as most of the great disasters of history prove. Brilliant minds create more and more sophisticated weapons, so it is totally incorrect to equate intelligence with virtue.

On the other hand, groups like MENSA could help people find someone who understands them. Someone who doesn't look at them blankly when they get excited about an idea or a point.

I can see in writing this, that I really am in a very lonely place. People at my intelligence level are mostly really far ahead of me in knowledge and professional success. I feel tiny and insecure around them, and I usually shrink down into my well worn cheerleader persona. I act sweet and non-threatning, I behave as if I have no opinion because the possibility of being disregared because of my lack of perfessional success and knowledge, of being mispercieved as being unintelligent, is too much to bear. I would rather they think I am dumb because I put on an act then to take the risk that the true me is seen as dumb.

I think that might be why I loved blogging so much. For once I was able to be myself, as I am. I wasn't playing dumb so I could fit in, and I wasn't playing dumb to keep people from disregarding me. I was being the true me.

And I can be the true me with Charles, which is really saying something. He is almost a PhD but he doesn't look down on my flight attendant, stereotypically bimboish career. Best of all, he understands the points I make, I can say whats on my mind, and he not only understands my perspective, he respects the complexity of it, even though I don't hold a degree.

One problem with the complexity of my perspective, I have the tendancy to read too much into things. Maybe Tera would have the capacity to understand my points if she gave a shit enough to listen. She instead is thinking of herself, about herself and about how things impact her, so maybe I am just making excuses for her. Maybe she isn't unable to grasp my points, maybe she is unable to care that I am making any.