I hope today is the day I start blogging again.

Did you miss me? I missed you. alot.

Tonight I did a big thing. I went to a bar by myself.

My friend and former roommate Keely was in town for an arts summit for "b-girls" and tonight was the afterparty. I tried to get Charles to go, and my sister Linda (who introduced me to Keely in jr. high) but neither of them did. I was going to be defeated and not go, I would even enjoy the excuse I had, that no one could come with me, but something in me felt like I just should.

I got dressed up and was sort of impressed with how cute I looked (I have lost 13 pounds from weight watchers) hopped on the bus to deposit the rent check and then went to the bar. I felt stupid at first, but not as stupid as I might have in the past. Right away a girl cut in front of me at the bar (I dont think on purpose) and I didn't speak up about it. I hoped that I wasn't behaving like some sort of wimp, but I didn't let it get me down.

Next thing I went to find a place to wait for Keely to show up. I saw a seat by the ledge, I asked a big girl if someone was sitting there and she said yes. I said "okay" and sat down at a little table. She said "someone is sitting there" so I got up.

Next I stood behind everyone, but I felt like a real wallflower, an outsider. Fortunately the music started and so I went to the dancefloor. I stood with my back to the ledge and enjoyed myself as a circle formed and people started taking turns showing off their moves. There were 2 white looking guys who had some really cool pop lock moves and tons of girls who were just great, they had incredible energy, I had so much fun watching them.

Keely did show up, I saw her and approached her. She looked slim and was dressed in a cocktail dress. We hugged and then stood there, watching the heads of the dancers, since the crowd was so condensed that you couldn't see anything more. Most of what she said was "incredible" about the dancing, which I found a little weird since you couldn't see much anymore, but I just smiled.

We went to a ledge where I assumed we would giggle and catch up after at least a five year absence but it was anticlimactic. She bored the life out of me, and reminded me of the abusive roommate who smoked large quantities of weed and snarled alot when we lived together. I was so pleased to be there, the energy in the room was so great, and I was so proud of my bravery to have gone there on my own, that she couldn't get me down. And although I was disappointed that our 17 year old friendship has, I think, come to an end, at least I know I haven't been missing anything in the years that we have been seperated.

We went to the main room of the bar, which is famous and has appeared in movies in the 80's, it used to be the coolest bar in the city, the venue that all the big acts would come to. It was dead, with pop music playing, instead of the cutting edge music that used to play there.

Keely and I went to the bar to get her another beer. Some other people came to the bar after her and they got served first. She yelled at the bartender, and the guy next to us said (in a nice, not sleazy way) "I'll buy your drinks, chill out" and he bought her a beer and she didn't even thank him, she just huffed as she went away.

Then, her friends were about to leave and she was mad that she had to finish her beer so fast. I said "lets go to back to the other room" and she said "I want to sit down. I am so upset right now that I am about to snap" I smiled and sat back down. About 4 seconds later I took my last swig of beer and said "Well I am going to go now" and smiled fakely as we did the "nice to see yous." Fortunately I went back to the afterparty and watched a girl rapper finish her set. It let me end the night on a good foot.

It really was a good night. It is really okay that I was snubbed by her so badly. She REALLY hurt me when we were roommates. She was a very dear friend before we lived together, and she became very mean when we moved in. I don't feel like I am missing out on anything, and unlike when we were roommates, I now unwilling to spend time trying to win her over.

I imagine she will call me and apologize about tonight. I will forgive her of course, I love the girl, but I will be doing it from a place of strength. Unlike years ago, I am happy and relatively confident in the person I am. Whatever superiority trip she tries to pull on me wont work anymore. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent, and this time she doesn't have my consent.

It was a good night.

I missed you.