Yesterday I felt depressed, usually when I feel depressed I write about it to analyze it, but yesterday I didn't want to.
In my life I regularly feel like I fall short, correction, In my life I feel like I fall short. My blog is a refuge from that. I don't have expectations of myself on my blog. I van write or I can't write, I can spell because "becuase." I can be too serious or insensitive. That makes me feel free.
Having comments on sets me up to reciprocate when kind people take the time to respond to my posts. I struggle to reciprocate in my face-to-face life, and I realize I have started to put pressure on myself here, and becuase the blog means so much to me, I have sometimes given energy to people I have never met at the expense of the people I have known for years, who I REALLY owe!
Also, I have been feeling rather vulnerable since I have started posting religious stuff. That is SO PERSONAL, and I feel like it does me good to write it out, but I just can't stand the idea of being accused of being "New Age," and if a single person wrote it it would devestate me (if you want to devestate me on purpose it wont work since I already told you- ha ha!) so having comments off will help me feel safer to say what I feel. My name might be fake, but the emotions are all me.
I would HATE it if this upset anyone. It is by no means a "Fuck you" (although from some people "fuck you" is like a term of endearment ;) ) If you no longer have interest in reading I am disappointed, but I understand. However, the way I look at it I am taking the pressure off you too! I prefer to be a lurker, but I know a lot of people don't like that. Now you can lurk away- no worries ;)
mood: tension released
