One thing I like about my airline is most of the people are middle class and normal. There are a few lower-class arses, and a few upper-class arses, but most people behave like human beings and have their heads on their shoulders. But now and then we get a twat.
On walks a teen with a Chanel bag and some ridiculous patent wedges on her feet. Of course she is in the front row so I have to look at her snotty mug. Her dad, a nice man, was sitting behind her, so after overhearing them discuss golf I had it in my head that she was the daughter of a professional golfer and was another obnoxious princess who's parents misguidedly pampered, and created a monster.
When we began to accelerate for take-off suddenly the we slowed way down. I remained calm, knowing that an alert must have popped up, and takeoff needed to be aborted. The captain announced that we had hit a bird, and needed to go back to the gate to have the plane looked at by maintenance. The little princess asked "we hit what?" and I said "a bird" she said "what?" and I said "a bird" and waved my hands like wings. She said "we have to go back because they hit a bird?" and I said "Sometimes they can damage the aircraft." I overheard her say to her dad "I have never seen anything like this" and I am thinking to myself "Oh really, in your 19 years of life & and flying you have never seen anything like this?" I could not believe this girl.
On the way back to the gate I see a tabloid in my face and she says, with a flat look on her face, "want a magazine?" This sort of endears me to her, she has shared her magazine, and I liked the way she was nice without the cliche smile. Stuff like that amuses me. I looked through it, and handed it back, and said "I'm done" she said "already?" and we both said something about liking to look at the pictures. She then taps a Korean lady across the row with the magazine and just sort of grunts, the Korean lady takes the magazine and her and her travel companion look perplexed.
We got to the gate and suddenly there was quite a production. A crane was brought in, and the plane was surrounded by maintenance men. Even a man in a tie was there. Apparently the DNR takes DNA samples now to track the killed birds. I had time to walk through the cabin with water and Pepsi, but the time at the gate was relatively fast, and soon we had the door closed and we were on our way. While walking through the cabin the girl lays down without a seat belt I say "Pardon me? Do you have your seat belt fastened?" and she sort of laughs and says "No" and I say "Could you please fasten it so we can get going?"
I don't remember anything special about the flight. The lights went out in the lav, but the circuits were reset, and other than that it was uneventful. Most people slept through it all, so I didn't have to do much for the service. Before we landed I did my final walk through, collecting newspapers, cups, and any other trash from the flight. I went to the galley and filled out my paperwork and sat down for landing. As the passengers were leaving I heard her dad say "You left some papers" and she said to him "I did it on purpose."
Of course I looked at the papers, and learned that she is a golfer. There was a list of potential endorsements, a workout schedule, and an e-mail from some jeweler endorsement saying "this is your allowance for the remainder of your contract, there is a lovely piece of jewelry for $14,000 we recommend."
I had a few thoughts. One, I was happy to see a snotty young girl who had EARNED her snottiness. I imagine she paid for that Chanel bag, not her dad, and that her sense of being the center of the universe was because of her own accomplishments, not because of a pampered childhood. This is refreshing, since I see too many girls who walk around with a sense of entitlement but having done nothing to earn it but be born to white, rich, doting parents.
The other thought I had was why in heaven's name did she leave confidential papers like that out? Was she trying to prove a point? Like I was mean to her (I wasn't) and look what a mistake I made? Was she showing off? Or was she just really sloppy about protecting her privacy? (Her e-mail address might have been on one of those papers.)
In the end I wish her the best. I thought she had an obnoxiously big head, but wouldn't most of us have one if we were given such attention at such a young age? I feel hope for her that she develops a normal, healthy sense of self, which is hard for young celebrities, and that she grows out of this phase eventually. I thought I saw a spark of a sense of humor when she offered me the magazine, I may have been projecting, but I choose to see it. I only want good things for women athletes, and I don't think it is fair to hold them to a higher standard of behavior than the very low bar set for male athletes.
Monday, June 30, 2008
The top ten reasons stockings are better than pantyhose, by Diana Crabtree
Feel free to copy and paste this top ten list and send it as a mass e-mail, just include my name & link in it. Why? I am an attention whore, thats why.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The top ten reasons stockings are better than pantyhose...
10. If you get a snag on your ankle, you can switch the snag to the inside, and it will be less visible.
9. Your husband (or wife) will think you look sexy while getting dressed.
8. If you get a run in one leg, you haven't destroyed the whole pair.
7. It is unhealthy for your lady parts to be suffocated in nylon
6. If the phone rings while you are putting them on, you won't have the second leg dragging on the floor.
5. Using less fabric is better for the environment
4. There is no waistband to roll down, creating a sexy "Muffin Top" look.
3. If you think someone is cute, you can spread your knees apart 11 inches, and flick your tongue like Gene Simmons. (The seam of pantyhose would ruin the effect, and lets face it, would be trashy)
2. You can use the bathroom without praying that you don't snag them while pulling them up and down.
And the number one reason stockings are better than pantyhose...
Cool Buns
www.dianacrabtree.blogspot.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The top ten reasons stockings are better than pantyhose...
10. If you get a snag on your ankle, you can switch the snag to the inside, and it will be less visible.
9. Your husband (or wife) will think you look sexy while getting dressed.
8. If you get a run in one leg, you haven't destroyed the whole pair.
7. It is unhealthy for your lady parts to be suffocated in nylon
6. If the phone rings while you are putting them on, you won't have the second leg dragging on the floor.
5. Using less fabric is better for the environment
4. There is no waistband to roll down, creating a sexy "Muffin Top" look.
3. If you think someone is cute, you can spread your knees apart 11 inches, and flick your tongue like Gene Simmons. (The seam of pantyhose would ruin the effect, and lets face it, would be trashy)
2. You can use the bathroom without praying that you don't snag them while pulling them up and down.
And the number one reason stockings are better than pantyhose...
Cool Buns
www.dianacrabtree.blogspot.com
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Not a nice dream
I just remembered my dream last night. I heard a sound, and saw something move on top of my bookshelf, and it was my grandma on top of a bookshelf, she had had a stroke!
My cousin and I got her down and decided to eat her (huh?) and then later on found out that if we had given her CPR instead of eating her there was a chance she would have made it.
Tonight's lesson: If your grandma has a stroke, don't eat her!
My cousin and I got her down and decided to eat her (huh?) and then later on found out that if we had given her CPR instead of eating her there was a chance she would have made it.
Tonight's lesson: If your grandma has a stroke, don't eat her!
Monday, June 23, 2008
The second half of the now-over love affair
Continued from:
http://dianacrabtree.blogspot.com/2008/06/torrid-affair-leads-to-weight-loss.html
Everyone went back to the hotel, and back to the "Dominion Room" for more drinks and music. I ended up at a table with the bride and groom, Jimmy, and the best man and his girlfriend. Again there was this subconcious urge to sit by him, but I tried to go against it, and eventually ended up at the opposite end of the table, getting to know the best man, who was a nice guy. Jimmy was eating pistachios one after another. At one point he randomly threw a shell at me and it almost went down my shirt. I threw one at his head and it landed in his hair. Later he complained about being hot, and I the words "take it off" came out of my mouth before I realized I was going to say them.
That night people asked if Jimmy could stay in the suite. It would mean being in the same room as me, and he kept asking if it was okay. I told him it was totally no big deal, I told him I often have guy roommates. We talked and joked into the night, and finally went to sleep.
Finally, the day of the wedding came. By this time I am sick and tired of the f-ing mall (I had been there a number of times, it was right across from the hotel) but we had to go there for our hair, and I got my makeup done at a kiosk for buying $25 of sparkly makeup. The day before I had met the hairdresser, and she said to me "I ahm going tooh mayke yooh beouuteefuul." She was great, from Iraq. She was telling me about her perfect children, and I asked for her orthapedic surgeon son's phone number (she didnt give it to me.) My hair was cute. Not as cute as my friend does it, but it was very nice.
We got to the Unitarian church and there was a get ready room. I taped towels on the door so no-one could see the bride in her dress, a good thing because the men were getting ready next door. I had no steam left really. It had been a long week and I was tired. We got ready and lined up for the wedding. While we stood in line, people from the meditation group were putting cushions in the room. It was so bizarre! They may not have been American-born, but you would have thought they could figure out this was a wedding and respectfully waited to put the cushions in the room! The wedding planner put her foot down and made them remove them. They seemed surprised. I find that so weird.
The ceremony was nice. I got eye contact with Jimmy once, I avoided it the rest of the time. When I told him he looked like Tim Allen (a combination of Tim Allen and John Cusack) he said he was going to grunt like Tim Allen during the wedding. He didnt. After it was over it was pictures. The photographer wanted me there to help make people laugh and grab bouquets and stuff. I felt flattered to be used, but I was just tired and sick of it all. There was so much tension in the place. Both had divorced parents, and the bride's mom's side of the family are fun, but gossipy and one was quite bitchy.
The dinner had great food, but we all just sat at the table and didnt say much. It wasnt fun. I was tired and felt like my seat was going to fall backwards. Then the mother of the bride had some idea of having a parade up to the reception. I am sure it looked great, but I just wanted to get it over with.
We got to the reception hall and loud music was not for me. I sat, enjoyed the cake, and chatted with one of the performers from the wedding. Then there was some dance. I didnt want to do it, but the brides mom said I had to. If I had to dance, I was looking for Jimmy to dance with. When his sister grabbed him and I said "I want to dance with sweaty" and he said "you can cut in." I asked the brides brother and he was like "I dont want to dance" and I'm like "yeah, duh, neither do I" finally I danced with my uncle.
I wanted to find a bathroom, so I walked through an open door. There was construction, but I thought maybe I could connect to the bathroom by walking through it. Also, it was so peaceful in there, so I kept walking farther. It was actually really cool. It felt naughty to be in there, and It went so deep through. I lingered a minute, but then finally went out when I realized it wouldnt connect. I had to go back to the church to go to the bathroom. I appreciated leaving.
When I walked out of the bathroom and looked in the mirror I felt like I looked like the fat girl in "My big fat greek wedding." I got struck with this sense of sadness, I figured "Jimmy liked me until seeing me in this dress, he didnt realize I was fat until now. It bummed me out. However, soon after I arrived back at the reception, we found each other (he got me a margarita) and I ended up showing him the back area. (I called them "the catacombs")
We chit-chatted. His dad's second wife's grand-kid came in and we teased him a little, but when he started going in deeper I told him be careful, and Jimmy made him leave. He said something about me being cool, and I said something about him being cool and one of us said something about it being too bad we live so far apart and I said "well we could always have the cliche fling" and we both seemed to like the idea. We walked to the very, very back of the catacombs, into a bathroom with a tiny toilet in it, and made out like banshees. I commented on how I thought he would be shy and timid, and that I was happy that he was so confident and aggressive. And he grabbed me and kissed me hard. At one point he asked me if I was drunk enough that he could take advantage of me, and I had to think about it, and shrugged my shoulders. He took the second half of my margarita and poured it in his glass.
I cant remember the transition from the making out to back to the church, but I had mentioned we had to decorate the car. No one had planned to decorate the car! We tried wet chalk, but it didnt leave a mark, so we scrounged and finally settled on masking tape. It was a lot of fun, and it provided the perfect alibi for our shenanigans.
By the time I got back to the reception it was just about over. I wished it was longer, because by then I had changed into my clothes, and felt much better. We all went to the dominion room and hung out a bit, and somehow I remember being upstairs, kissing Jimmy before he was about to take a shower. I was unbuttoning his shirt for him, and seeing his hairy chest nearly sent me over the edge. I went back to the dominion room and he texted asking how long I would be. When it was all over I didnt want to wait for everything to be quiet, but once it was, he rolled into my bed, and it was so amazing. To like someone, be mutually attracted to them and kiss them is so, so sexy. He knew what to do, and it drove me crazy.
At one point I touched him and it was so freaking huge. He was fresh from the shower, and I desperately wanted to, so went down on him, even with my aunt and uncle in the next room. He was going to finish, and I let him, and I liked it, I had no problem with it. I loved making him happy. He sounded so very happy. (I like what I do, and I know how to do it ;) ) He did some lovely things to me too, and I didnt have an orgasm (because I dont with guys) but It was incredible.
I didn't want him to go to his bed, but I didn't want us to fall asleep accidentally. So eventually we laid down in our own beds. After what could have been 5 minutes, or could have been 20, my eyes opened to the light of my phone. The power was going on and off. I whispered "did the power just go off?" and we ended up on the balcony. It was surreal, the dark courtyard with little power except from the generator, and music playing!
In the morning my aunt caught him leaning over me, and when Jimmy was leaving I walked with him, and kissed him by the elevator, just as my uncle came around the corner. I am sure they are mad at me, sure I had sex, which I wouldnt have, even if I had a condom, because it would be disrespectful, yet we still went down on each other, so how is that more respectful? not sure. I was already feeling a-social and tired, and having them irritated with me didn't help. I hid in the basement at my aunt's stupid day after brunch, which was mostly her loud irish sisters.
And that was that. I thought Jimmy and I would see each-other on the 28th, and I was going to get a room away from the pilots so we wouldnt wake them up. I bought him a 4 pound bag of pistachios. I was going to go in for a fresh coochie-wax this weekend. But the day before yesterday I wrote him and said "what do you think about next week?" but I didnt have to write that. He is a big texter, and he had only texted me twice after that night, the week after, and on father's day, when I texted him "happy fathers day" and he said "Why thank you" and nothing more. I knew. When a boy likes you he tries. If he's shy, then he takes the bait when you start a conversation. It was never going to happen. He knew this girl a year, he was probably seeing her while we were at the wedding. (He was texting someone on the first day.)
I am feeling much better today. Thankfully, yesterday a hot workout dude was chatting with me in the excercise room at the hotel and maybe was going to ask me to dinner (twice he asked when I would know if my flight was cancelled) sure, he knew I was an F/A and must of assumed I was an easy lay, but at least it shows I'm not a dog. Today I chatted with a German engineer (you know how I love the Germans) and having my name put in a song by a sexy and talented (albiet jerky) musician made it all a little easier.
I am also doing well with the weight watchers. I have been counting points on my ipod, and yes, I am not being perfect, but I am monitoring and limiting my food. I feel in control. And running was surprisingly easy! :) I feel confident that I will get back down to 185, and probably just stay there and be happy with it. 175, 150 would be nice, but if I can look in the mirror at 185 and feel pretty, then 185 it is.
I will move on. It is happening quickly. I just have to keep my confidence and move forward. I cant dwell on feeling used. I do, but I participated in it. I didnt want promises, but I wanted to get him without promises.
http://dianacrabtree.blogspot.com/2008/06/torrid-affair-leads-to-weight-loss.html
Everyone went back to the hotel, and back to the "Dominion Room" for more drinks and music. I ended up at a table with the bride and groom, Jimmy, and the best man and his girlfriend. Again there was this subconcious urge to sit by him, but I tried to go against it, and eventually ended up at the opposite end of the table, getting to know the best man, who was a nice guy. Jimmy was eating pistachios one after another. At one point he randomly threw a shell at me and it almost went down my shirt. I threw one at his head and it landed in his hair. Later he complained about being hot, and I the words "take it off" came out of my mouth before I realized I was going to say them.
That night people asked if Jimmy could stay in the suite. It would mean being in the same room as me, and he kept asking if it was okay. I told him it was totally no big deal, I told him I often have guy roommates. We talked and joked into the night, and finally went to sleep.
Finally, the day of the wedding came. By this time I am sick and tired of the f-ing mall (I had been there a number of times, it was right across from the hotel) but we had to go there for our hair, and I got my makeup done at a kiosk for buying $25 of sparkly makeup. The day before I had met the hairdresser, and she said to me "I ahm going tooh mayke yooh beouuteefuul." She was great, from Iraq. She was telling me about her perfect children, and I asked for her orthapedic surgeon son's phone number (she didnt give it to me.) My hair was cute. Not as cute as my friend does it, but it was very nice.
We got to the Unitarian church and there was a get ready room. I taped towels on the door so no-one could see the bride in her dress, a good thing because the men were getting ready next door. I had no steam left really. It had been a long week and I was tired. We got ready and lined up for the wedding. While we stood in line, people from the meditation group were putting cushions in the room. It was so bizarre! They may not have been American-born, but you would have thought they could figure out this was a wedding and respectfully waited to put the cushions in the room! The wedding planner put her foot down and made them remove them. They seemed surprised. I find that so weird.
The ceremony was nice. I got eye contact with Jimmy once, I avoided it the rest of the time. When I told him he looked like Tim Allen (a combination of Tim Allen and John Cusack) he said he was going to grunt like Tim Allen during the wedding. He didnt. After it was over it was pictures. The photographer wanted me there to help make people laugh and grab bouquets and stuff. I felt flattered to be used, but I was just tired and sick of it all. There was so much tension in the place. Both had divorced parents, and the bride's mom's side of the family are fun, but gossipy and one was quite bitchy.
The dinner had great food, but we all just sat at the table and didnt say much. It wasnt fun. I was tired and felt like my seat was going to fall backwards. Then the mother of the bride had some idea of having a parade up to the reception. I am sure it looked great, but I just wanted to get it over with.
We got to the reception hall and loud music was not for me. I sat, enjoyed the cake, and chatted with one of the performers from the wedding. Then there was some dance. I didnt want to do it, but the brides mom said I had to. If I had to dance, I was looking for Jimmy to dance with. When his sister grabbed him and I said "I want to dance with sweaty" and he said "you can cut in." I asked the brides brother and he was like "I dont want to dance" and I'm like "yeah, duh, neither do I" finally I danced with my uncle.
I wanted to find a bathroom, so I walked through an open door. There was construction, but I thought maybe I could connect to the bathroom by walking through it. Also, it was so peaceful in there, so I kept walking farther. It was actually really cool. It felt naughty to be in there, and It went so deep through. I lingered a minute, but then finally went out when I realized it wouldnt connect. I had to go back to the church to go to the bathroom. I appreciated leaving.
When I walked out of the bathroom and looked in the mirror I felt like I looked like the fat girl in "My big fat greek wedding." I got struck with this sense of sadness, I figured "Jimmy liked me until seeing me in this dress, he didnt realize I was fat until now. It bummed me out. However, soon after I arrived back at the reception, we found each other (he got me a margarita) and I ended up showing him the back area. (I called them "the catacombs")
We chit-chatted. His dad's second wife's grand-kid came in and we teased him a little, but when he started going in deeper I told him be careful, and Jimmy made him leave. He said something about me being cool, and I said something about him being cool and one of us said something about it being too bad we live so far apart and I said "well we could always have the cliche fling" and we both seemed to like the idea. We walked to the very, very back of the catacombs, into a bathroom with a tiny toilet in it, and made out like banshees. I commented on how I thought he would be shy and timid, and that I was happy that he was so confident and aggressive. And he grabbed me and kissed me hard. At one point he asked me if I was drunk enough that he could take advantage of me, and I had to think about it, and shrugged my shoulders. He took the second half of my margarita and poured it in his glass.
I cant remember the transition from the making out to back to the church, but I had mentioned we had to decorate the car. No one had planned to decorate the car! We tried wet chalk, but it didnt leave a mark, so we scrounged and finally settled on masking tape. It was a lot of fun, and it provided the perfect alibi for our shenanigans.
By the time I got back to the reception it was just about over. I wished it was longer, because by then I had changed into my clothes, and felt much better. We all went to the dominion room and hung out a bit, and somehow I remember being upstairs, kissing Jimmy before he was about to take a shower. I was unbuttoning his shirt for him, and seeing his hairy chest nearly sent me over the edge. I went back to the dominion room and he texted asking how long I would be. When it was all over I didnt want to wait for everything to be quiet, but once it was, he rolled into my bed, and it was so amazing. To like someone, be mutually attracted to them and kiss them is so, so sexy. He knew what to do, and it drove me crazy.
At one point I touched him and it was so freaking huge. He was fresh from the shower, and I desperately wanted to, so went down on him, even with my aunt and uncle in the next room. He was going to finish, and I let him, and I liked it, I had no problem with it. I loved making him happy. He sounded so very happy. (I like what I do, and I know how to do it ;) ) He did some lovely things to me too, and I didnt have an orgasm (because I dont with guys) but It was incredible.
I didn't want him to go to his bed, but I didn't want us to fall asleep accidentally. So eventually we laid down in our own beds. After what could have been 5 minutes, or could have been 20, my eyes opened to the light of my phone. The power was going on and off. I whispered "did the power just go off?" and we ended up on the balcony. It was surreal, the dark courtyard with little power except from the generator, and music playing!
In the morning my aunt caught him leaning over me, and when Jimmy was leaving I walked with him, and kissed him by the elevator, just as my uncle came around the corner. I am sure they are mad at me, sure I had sex, which I wouldnt have, even if I had a condom, because it would be disrespectful, yet we still went down on each other, so how is that more respectful? not sure. I was already feeling a-social and tired, and having them irritated with me didn't help. I hid in the basement at my aunt's stupid day after brunch, which was mostly her loud irish sisters.
And that was that. I thought Jimmy and I would see each-other on the 28th, and I was going to get a room away from the pilots so we wouldnt wake them up. I bought him a 4 pound bag of pistachios. I was going to go in for a fresh coochie-wax this weekend. But the day before yesterday I wrote him and said "what do you think about next week?" but I didnt have to write that. He is a big texter, and he had only texted me twice after that night, the week after, and on father's day, when I texted him "happy fathers day" and he said "Why thank you" and nothing more. I knew. When a boy likes you he tries. If he's shy, then he takes the bait when you start a conversation. It was never going to happen. He knew this girl a year, he was probably seeing her while we were at the wedding. (He was texting someone on the first day.)
I am feeling much better today. Thankfully, yesterday a hot workout dude was chatting with me in the excercise room at the hotel and maybe was going to ask me to dinner (twice he asked when I would know if my flight was cancelled) sure, he knew I was an F/A and must of assumed I was an easy lay, but at least it shows I'm not a dog. Today I chatted with a German engineer (you know how I love the Germans) and having my name put in a song by a sexy and talented (albiet jerky) musician made it all a little easier.
I am also doing well with the weight watchers. I have been counting points on my ipod, and yes, I am not being perfect, but I am monitoring and limiting my food. I feel in control. And running was surprisingly easy! :) I feel confident that I will get back down to 185, and probably just stay there and be happy with it. 175, 150 would be nice, but if I can look in the mirror at 185 and feel pretty, then 185 it is.
I will move on. It is happening quickly. I just have to keep my confidence and move forward. I cant dwell on feeling used. I do, but I participated in it. I didnt want promises, but I wanted to get him without promises.
Am I a muse?
Toronto dickhead musician sent me, and others a new song, and there is a lyric "Goddess like Diana" except instead of Diana, it's my real name, much less common.
Hmmmm?
That's me! A muse!
Hmmmm?
That's me! A muse!
Sunday, June 22, 2008
I want
Hung, hot, a great kisser, knew what he was doing in bed. Big, dark eyebrows, oh! And that hairy chest and arms! AK!
Also sweet, smart, nerdy, and clean cut.
So what he was a manager at Office Max? He is a responsible person, and I got to see that I am not obsessed with status like I was worried I was, I just want a quality guy.
I cant take it. I want him so bad. And I cant just go and find another guy with chemistry. I LIKED him, that is what made the chemistry and making out exponentially better. I wanted to see him, have sex with him, and let my feelings go where they would. If I got hurt, if it couldnt work, I was willing to take that risk. But I was also willing to hope it could work, because he was that package. A nice boy, but I wouldnt have to "settle" for a guy who sucks in bed, in order to get a sweetheart. FUCK!
Also, I thought I didn't like white American boys, but that was almost a plus. I wasnt thinking about our ethnicities or any of the worlds problems. Not that I think that all the time with guys I date, but I think about it often.
I am so upset. Not as upset as I was about the Mike breakup, but I do think this guy was a good match. I mean very good. I mean very, very good. I felt like I could understand how people "fall" in love. Like consumate love, Friendship, Sex, & Companionate. I didnt have that with Charles, though I loved him.
I need to lose weight. Not so guys will like me, they already like me, but so I can have the confidence to take chances.
I need sex. Good sex. Sex I don't have to give up. Sex with friendship. Sex with loyalty. Sex with partnership. I realize the chemistry fades, but I need it now. I need it. Why do the work of a relationship otherwise? It's the positive reinforcement to keep trying though its hard. Sure it fades, but usually by then the other parts have developed.
I'm so in denial. I still feel this hope that he will call me and say "I cant do it, when you said **** I got to thinking, and I can't just settle for her." Yes, this is my actual hope. When I sit and think about it I know it's stupid, but I am just still somehow in denial. And lets say he did do that. Would I feel the same about him? Or is the spell be broken. I would forever be the second choice. Not a feeling that makes you feel valued. Sure, he has worked with her a year, but I still feel so awful.
I have gotten so close. So close to something real happening. But instead of feeling pleased with my progress, I am getting so frustrated. I am saying "something is wrong with me." I know that is the wrong response. I am so close. I am letting myself get hurt, which means I am letting myself feel. But I don't want to find "someone" I want him!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, I want to find someone, in my city. No, I want him.
I want one for MEEEEEEEEEE! Where's mine?
Also sweet, smart, nerdy, and clean cut.
So what he was a manager at Office Max? He is a responsible person, and I got to see that I am not obsessed with status like I was worried I was, I just want a quality guy.
I cant take it. I want him so bad. And I cant just go and find another guy with chemistry. I LIKED him, that is what made the chemistry and making out exponentially better. I wanted to see him, have sex with him, and let my feelings go where they would. If I got hurt, if it couldnt work, I was willing to take that risk. But I was also willing to hope it could work, because he was that package. A nice boy, but I wouldnt have to "settle" for a guy who sucks in bed, in order to get a sweetheart. FUCK!
Also, I thought I didn't like white American boys, but that was almost a plus. I wasnt thinking about our ethnicities or any of the worlds problems. Not that I think that all the time with guys I date, but I think about it often.
I am so upset. Not as upset as I was about the Mike breakup, but I do think this guy was a good match. I mean very good. I mean very, very good. I felt like I could understand how people "fall" in love. Like consumate love, Friendship, Sex, & Companionate. I didnt have that with Charles, though I loved him.
I need to lose weight. Not so guys will like me, they already like me, but so I can have the confidence to take chances.
I need sex. Good sex. Sex I don't have to give up. Sex with friendship. Sex with loyalty. Sex with partnership. I realize the chemistry fades, but I need it now. I need it. Why do the work of a relationship otherwise? It's the positive reinforcement to keep trying though its hard. Sure it fades, but usually by then the other parts have developed.
I'm so in denial. I still feel this hope that he will call me and say "I cant do it, when you said **** I got to thinking, and I can't just settle for her." Yes, this is my actual hope. When I sit and think about it I know it's stupid, but I am just still somehow in denial. And lets say he did do that. Would I feel the same about him? Or is the spell be broken. I would forever be the second choice. Not a feeling that makes you feel valued. Sure, he has worked with her a year, but I still feel so awful.
I have gotten so close. So close to something real happening. But instead of feeling pleased with my progress, I am getting so frustrated. I am saying "something is wrong with me." I know that is the wrong response. I am so close. I am letting myself get hurt, which means I am letting myself feel. But I don't want to find "someone" I want him!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, I want to find someone, in my city. No, I want him.
I want one for MEEEEEEEEEE! Where's mine?
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Good for me!
So I bought some coconut candies for my aunt. I told my cousin I would probably eat a few. Well I didnt want to open them because I was worried once I started I wouldnt stop, and I did a good job, until tonight.
I took the wrapper off the key lime. I ate one, and looked at the box. 150 calories, PER CANDY. I then took the wrapper off the almond one, and didnt have a second. 300 calories just didnt seem worth it :)
I took the wrapper off the key lime. I ate one, and looked at the box. 150 calories, PER CANDY. I then took the wrapper off the almond one, and didnt have a second. 300 calories just didnt seem worth it :)
I cant do this!
I think I am pushing my feelings away, because I don't want to write this post. If I dont write, I dont have to analyze and think about it.
The grooms brother has some dumb girlfriend now. It wasnt in my for-sure plan to want to have a relationship with him, but I wanted to see where it would go. I really liked him. A nice guy in the street, a whore in the bedroom
What a loser. What does office max girl have that I dont? I think I am good enough that the fact I live in another city, and will be gone for over a month still makes me a great match.
Right now no guy can compare to him in my mind. It sucks to see it's not mutual
The grooms brother has some dumb girlfriend now. It wasnt in my for-sure plan to want to have a relationship with him, but I wanted to see where it would go. I really liked him. A nice guy in the street, a whore in the bedroom
What a loser. What does office max girl have that I dont? I think I am good enough that the fact I live in another city, and will be gone for over a month still makes me a great match.
Right now no guy can compare to him in my mind. It sucks to see it's not mutual
Friday, June 20, 2008
its four am, fuck
I am writing this from my iPod. My computer is in the room, but I am supposed to be getting to sleep, so it is off. There are many factors of why I am awake, but a big one is that I am worked up from a website I posted on, and the reactions I am getting.
Last week, when trying to find info on the fate of my company, and in consequence, my livelihood, I found a hiring site, where people were asking aout starting at my company. I wrote a post about the reality about it, and I got a handfull of responses calling me negative and jaded. I can't explain how much this upsets me, I pride myself in my positive attitude and my caring for others. Peoples responses were "you are negative..." you know what, I'm not going to say them, they were so unfair, one, in the same sentence, said I thought I was too good, and maybe I am bitter because I am "only going to be a flight attendant," and am not going to do any other job in the future.
I want to know who this demon woman is! She doesn't know who I am either, but that makes it worse I think. I don't think she would have been so boldly dismissive of me in person, it hurts my feelings though, still.
What makes this really dumb is, she is probably a recruiter. I just can't fathom that when I am warning people about what it takes to survive my airline, she is writing about how rosy it is, which bugs me because I think people have a right to know, and because it makes me feel like the sacrifices I made are untrue.
I would not be surprised if I have PMS. I have to feel good that I told the truth, and the people who read it are responsible for their own choices.
Last week, when trying to find info on the fate of my company, and in consequence, my livelihood, I found a hiring site, where people were asking aout starting at my company. I wrote a post about the reality about it, and I got a handfull of responses calling me negative and jaded. I can't explain how much this upsets me, I pride myself in my positive attitude and my caring for others. Peoples responses were "you are negative..." you know what, I'm not going to say them, they were so unfair, one, in the same sentence, said I thought I was too good, and maybe I am bitter because I am "only going to be a flight attendant," and am not going to do any other job in the future.
I want to know who this demon woman is! She doesn't know who I am either, but that makes it worse I think. I don't think she would have been so boldly dismissive of me in person, it hurts my feelings though, still.
What makes this really dumb is, she is probably a recruiter. I just can't fathom that when I am warning people about what it takes to survive my airline, she is writing about how rosy it is, which bugs me because I think people have a right to know, and because it makes me feel like the sacrifices I made are untrue.
I would not be surprised if I have PMS. I have to feel good that I told the truth, and the people who read it are responsible for their own choices.
Monday, June 16, 2008
I spent more than 600 dollars today on luxuries- it makes me feel stressed, not the equivalent happiness that $600 should buy
I made the decision to buy an ipod touch. Most people would hear this and say "that's extravagant" and I agree, but I am not buying a fancy-pants mp3 player, I am buying a wi-fi machine to keep myself from destroying my laptop by taking it on trips, and people, I'm close.
Yes, OWNING a computer is extravagant, having e-mail period is extravagant, but I just feel more connected when I have access to my computer. I treat my social phobia with a bit of tolerance, I don't force myself to leave the hotel room when I need a rest from people (and don't want to get dressed, ha ha! Also, the crew lounge now has wi-fi access, and on 3 hour sits at the airport it is a real blessing to have e-mail access, whether to pass time, or to be productive. I also hope to put a yoga routine on it and workout now and then. I wont hold my breath. HA HA
I also bought an 8GB flash drive, because my computer is whacked, and everything needs to be swept away and start fresh. The Flash drive can hold my precious uganda pictures too, which is important, because I am one crash away from losing it all.
I also bought the COOLEST thing: a laptop cooling pad!!! It was $20, and TOTALLY neccessary! My laptop gets scary hot, I am not sure what I am more scared of, the computer dying, or a fire!!! It seems to really work, and it feels nice on my legs :)
But thats not the end of the luxuries. I also bought a ION USB turntable. I have over a hundred records from my parents, and to not have a record player is a waste. This one is especially cool, because it lets me put records into MP3 form. How cool! I can listen to Joni Mitchell and Sweet Honey in the Rock on my new Ipod :)
This sounds odd, probably stupid, but I bought all those things today because I "had no choice." I have put off buying them for ages, because I hate spending a lot of money, but if I don't buy them now they will no longer be at Costco (they rotate products so you buy them right away instead of waiting) and my computer is going to die soon, inside and out, if I dont protect it.
Also, if I take an extravagant trip to India, then I dont want to take this computer. It was a huge blessing to have it in the airports during my trip to Uganda, to find out flight loads and for priceline.com (that saved me HUNDREDS!- and kept me from sleeping at the airport for 3 days!)
In the end, spending $600 might save me $1,000 (for my computer.) And I admit, I feel very happy to have these things, I just don't want to spend all my money, especially since my airline could be out of business in a year.
I have spent the money, and I feel fine about it. I trust myself that I am not going to go crazy with spending, I actually had to push myself to get these before they were gone (I was psyched about the ipod, but I thought it would be closer to 200 at costco- oh well, it will be, in a week or so, ha ha)
Yes, OWNING a computer is extravagant, having e-mail period is extravagant, but I just feel more connected when I have access to my computer. I treat my social phobia with a bit of tolerance, I don't force myself to leave the hotel room when I need a rest from people (and don't want to get dressed, ha ha! Also, the crew lounge now has wi-fi access, and on 3 hour sits at the airport it is a real blessing to have e-mail access, whether to pass time, or to be productive. I also hope to put a yoga routine on it and workout now and then. I wont hold my breath. HA HA
I also bought an 8GB flash drive, because my computer is whacked, and everything needs to be swept away and start fresh. The Flash drive can hold my precious uganda pictures too, which is important, because I am one crash away from losing it all.
I also bought the COOLEST thing: a laptop cooling pad!!! It was $20, and TOTALLY neccessary! My laptop gets scary hot, I am not sure what I am more scared of, the computer dying, or a fire!!! It seems to really work, and it feels nice on my legs :)
But thats not the end of the luxuries. I also bought a ION USB turntable. I have over a hundred records from my parents, and to not have a record player is a waste. This one is especially cool, because it lets me put records into MP3 form. How cool! I can listen to Joni Mitchell and Sweet Honey in the Rock on my new Ipod :)
This sounds odd, probably stupid, but I bought all those things today because I "had no choice." I have put off buying them for ages, because I hate spending a lot of money, but if I don't buy them now they will no longer be at Costco (they rotate products so you buy them right away instead of waiting) and my computer is going to die soon, inside and out, if I dont protect it.
Also, if I take an extravagant trip to India, then I dont want to take this computer. It was a huge blessing to have it in the airports during my trip to Uganda, to find out flight loads and for priceline.com (that saved me HUNDREDS!- and kept me from sleeping at the airport for 3 days!)
In the end, spending $600 might save me $1,000 (for my computer.) And I admit, I feel very happy to have these things, I just don't want to spend all my money, especially since my airline could be out of business in a year.
I have spent the money, and I feel fine about it. I trust myself that I am not going to go crazy with spending, I actually had to push myself to get these before they were gone (I was psyched about the ipod, but I thought it would be closer to 200 at costco- oh well, it will be, in a week or so, ha ha)
Friday, June 13, 2008
I'm so depressed I dont want to go to India
I'm overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed by everything. I am too overwhelmed to write anymore
Monday, June 09, 2008
Torrid Affair leads to weight loss
I think I am finally ready. I think I am finally ready to do the work to lose the weight again.
The groom's brother, who was only a groomsman, not the Best man, which would be a better cliche, was so freaking hot, I can't believe it. I could be writing about the amazing wedding, being with my amazing family, but apparently my vagina has more pull on my brain than my heart.
He arrived on day two. Glasses and hat, he was the perfect nerd. I heard voices in the hallway, I had a green face mask on, and so I opened the door and said "Welcome back guys!" this was his first impression of me. The perfect first impression.
I made a point to avoid looking at him. I suppose this is the normal response when you are attracted to someone. I am very attracted to the groom, and think he's a sweetie, so I am not sure if the initial attraction was because of phermones, or just wanting my own version of the nice boy groom.
We ran into each other as a group, and I barely acknowledged Jimmy. Again, it must have been a subconcious trick to avoid letting on my feelings, or it was a subconcious seduction. Not sure. It was subconcious.
Before the rehearsal dinner, the bride and I were on our way to the elevator, and there was this handsome guy in a button down shirt and dress pants. He is my dream boy, stuffy-ish business guy. Had married written all over him. The bride said "you are ready already?" and I assumed he was some cousin, or more likely, a husband of one of the cousins. After a few minutes of them talking, I realized it was Jimmy! WOW. He looked GUUUD. My eyes went right to the hands, and I was happy to see naked, naked ring fingers.
At the rehearsal I approached him. I told him that I didn't realize he was the same person. I said "I thought you had curly hair" instead of "I didnt realize you are fucking hot." He didnt remember my name (arse) and when I told him my real name, not my nickname, that everyone in the fam calls me, he was like "Ooh, thats so beautiful" ha ha
So at the rehearsal dinner I wanted to sit near him, but not be obvious. I sat with a seat between us, hoping enough people would show up that the group would move down. Instead, a few seats were open, so I moved over, by suggestion of the bride. While there Jimmy did a sweet speech, holding back tears, his mom was crying, and instead of going around the table and hugging her, he said to her: "eat your pie." He also ate a coconut shrimp for me, even though he doesn't like coconut.
to be continued...
The groom's brother, who was only a groomsman, not the Best man, which would be a better cliche, was so freaking hot, I can't believe it. I could be writing about the amazing wedding, being with my amazing family, but apparently my vagina has more pull on my brain than my heart.
He arrived on day two. Glasses and hat, he was the perfect nerd. I heard voices in the hallway, I had a green face mask on, and so I opened the door and said "Welcome back guys!" this was his first impression of me. The perfect first impression.
I made a point to avoid looking at him. I suppose this is the normal response when you are attracted to someone. I am very attracted to the groom, and think he's a sweetie, so I am not sure if the initial attraction was because of phermones, or just wanting my own version of the nice boy groom.
We ran into each other as a group, and I barely acknowledged Jimmy. Again, it must have been a subconcious trick to avoid letting on my feelings, or it was a subconcious seduction. Not sure. It was subconcious.
Before the rehearsal dinner, the bride and I were on our way to the elevator, and there was this handsome guy in a button down shirt and dress pants. He is my dream boy, stuffy-ish business guy. Had married written all over him. The bride said "you are ready already?" and I assumed he was some cousin, or more likely, a husband of one of the cousins. After a few minutes of them talking, I realized it was Jimmy! WOW. He looked GUUUD. My eyes went right to the hands, and I was happy to see naked, naked ring fingers.
At the rehearsal I approached him. I told him that I didn't realize he was the same person. I said "I thought you had curly hair" instead of "I didnt realize you are fucking hot." He didnt remember my name (arse) and when I told him my real name, not my nickname, that everyone in the fam calls me, he was like "Ooh, thats so beautiful" ha ha
So at the rehearsal dinner I wanted to sit near him, but not be obvious. I sat with a seat between us, hoping enough people would show up that the group would move down. Instead, a few seats were open, so I moved over, by suggestion of the bride. While there Jimmy did a sweet speech, holding back tears, his mom was crying, and instead of going around the table and hugging her, he said to her: "eat your pie." He also ate a coconut shrimp for me, even though he doesn't like coconut.
to be continued...
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Always the bridesmaid, never the bride, THANK GOD
Nah. I'm kidding. But still, weddings stress me out. I wouldnt mind getting married or being married, but the whole planning a wedding just sounds bad to me.
I am in Baltimore, staying at my uncle's, the father of the bride, and ready for a few days of wedding fun. Did I mention I am the Maid of Honor? I haven't done much work, but I am happy to say I bet my toast will be better than anyone else could come up with :)
I hate non-rev traveling, but I love it once I am at my destination. This afternoon my spacy brain told me I had to leave at 12:30, when it was really 11:30 that I needed to leave, but in the end it was lucky, because there were tornados in Baltimore, so the later flight was preferable.
I am in Baltimore, staying at my uncle's, the father of the bride, and ready for a few days of wedding fun. Did I mention I am the Maid of Honor? I haven't done much work, but I am happy to say I bet my toast will be better than anyone else could come up with :)
I hate non-rev traveling, but I love it once I am at my destination. This afternoon my spacy brain told me I had to leave at 12:30, when it was really 11:30 that I needed to leave, but in the end it was lucky, because there were tornados in Baltimore, so the later flight was preferable.
I need sleep more than I need to write, but I felt like commemerating the occasion.
AW crap! I just realized I am in a different time zone, so it's super late. CRAP!
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