Too Aggressive

Last night I figured out one reason why I don't do well with guys. I am just too aggressive!

Myself, my neighbor, and his ex-girlfriend Francis went to a piano bar, one that won accolades from Esquire magazine last night. I wore a slutty low cut shirt (Francis gave it to me to wear, I wore it because I am trying to take risks)

One thing that was really nice about last night is both my neighbor and his ex-girlfriend kept saying how pretty I am. And, I sang a few songs, and they said I was really good. My favorite was when I sang "Fever" and did a sexy fun job of it, and then a snooty little girl named Laura who thought she was SOOOOO cute sang it awhile after me, and sounded boring :) I was so proud :)

So there was a professional jazz singer there, with a HOT mexican guy, SOOO CUTE. I chatted with him and found out they were just friends, and somewhere in the conversation I told him he was handsome, and I can't remember, but something like he should date me! I would be so annoyed by a guy saying stuff like that to me, it's much too obvious. But there I was, saying it.

I guess I am glad it happened, and that I noticed it, because now I can know to SHUT THE HELL UP! I need to quit flirting, and start talking to men like they are friends. I feel at ease when someone isn't flirting with me too much (unless they are hot as hell) and it is even worse coming from a woman.

Am I easy? Maybe. I think I need to stop being that way. It's because I am really a man in a woman's body. Except I want all the cuddling and romance and chivalry too.

And I have felt a little sad today, it could be leftover alcohol and dehydration in my system, but I also feel unlovable. I know I'm not, I think it is my behavior that has made dating hard for me. Being too aggressive, maybe too easy.

Oh man, I know Alan may have been bad news, but I just wish that he didn't reject me! I want to know SO MUCH what I did to make him not want me. I think it was TMI on my sexual past (something that I told him after he told me his drug past) I think it was being too easily available to him, and I think it was the fact that I cheated on Charles, and had little time to recover, and he knew that. Oh, and when Marathon man visited.

What I gotta do is just not be so addicted to attention. I really am. I check my e-mail and statcounter 10 times a day. Even if someone read it from blogexplosion I get a little "hit." It's like proof that I exist and someone knows it, forget the fact that they might be switching to the next blog and then looking up at the TV while the 30 seconds run out. I can see that it is addictive behavior, and so I need to replace that with genuine self-esteem.

But the problem is, as I become more confident, I feel more fearless, and then tell random mexicans that they are handsome.