Back with the program

I started Weight Watchers in April. I had great success. But then my old roommate shit on me and I went through the stress of buying a car and I am completely off the program (Although I still attend meetings.) I just feel like I cant track another point. I just cant do it. I am so tired of carrying those little books around and I am so tired of strategizing, planning and measuring.

How did I lose the weight in the first place? I had it figured out back then..."You have to want to lose weight more than you want to not do what is necessary to lose weight" [keep track of what you eat, make good choices, exercise, etc.]) So where I am right now is I don't want to do what I need to do to lose weight more than I want to lose weight. I think I look very pretty right now, and I have been overwhelmed by the new responsibility of owning a car, the shock of being treated so awfully by my old roommate, and the lonliness of having Charles gone for 3 months now.

But I am hoping I will get back on track. I am not a healthy weight. I simply am not. I should be around 140-160 and I am 180! Wrong! Actually, since my last weigh in I am 186. Almost 190. I owe it to myself to eat healthy foods and healthy quantites of foods, and to give my body the excercise it needs to be strong. I deserve to be healthy. I hope to be a parent one day, my husband and children deserve to have a healthy mom taking care of THEM, I don't want to burden them with health problems like heart disease or inactivity as I age.

That brings up an excellent point...when did I start Weight Watchers? After dating Charles for a few months. I had gained weight, but that wasn't it. I felt so loved, and that love gave me the confidence to be the person I want to be, and being obese is not the person I want to be! I want to have a healthy family. To be very active, and be a good role model for my children, to make activity and healthy food a part of their lives, so they don't have to struggle with health problems related to inactivity and bad food choices. I imagine the lonliness of having Charles gone, and the doubts that creep in by not having him around, are part of why I don't have the motivation to keep losing the weight.

I think I want to try to get motivated again! I am just imagining what my life could be like if I was 150 pounds. 150 doesn't seem realistic to me, it just seems too hard, but why not? I was that weight my early years of high school. I looked great! God, if I was 150 i would have so much more energy, something a person with depression needs! And people are so nice to good looking people. It is such an ugly reality but it's true. It's called "the Halo effect" people assume you are a better person when you are good looking. I remember what it was like. Sadly, at the time I internalized it, so when I gained weight and people weren't as nice anymore I internalized that too. Getting down to 150 would be a really good choice for me.

SO now how do I get myself back into that mindset? Yesterday I REALLY screwed it up. I started the day with my usual peanut butter toast, but then for lunch I only had a pita with a little hummus, and for dinner a pouch of tuna and some apples. I felt fine. I felt like I didn't need to eat anymore. But then I bought a bag of candy and some zingers! If i had been tracking I would have seen that I hadn't eaten enough that day, and I would have eaten something healthy, and then I would have had the willpower to not buy candy (I only crave candy like that when I haven't eaten enough protien and calories)

So I suppose planning isn't going to do me any good- howabout some action! I havent had breakfast yet (It's 1PM- AHH!) They say people who skip breakfast are more likely to be obese. I think its too late now, but I will still eat some fiber one cereal because it is high in fiber and will fill me up. Then I have to make a healthy choice for lunch and dinner. And I should really track so I am not eating too much or too little. I am in my workout clothes right now. After eating I should go for a walk. So I forgot my sportsbras? No excuse, if I can't run I can still walk.

I can do this! I lost 20 pounds already. I can lose 20 more. I won't freak myself out by saying I want to be 150, but what if? I CAN do it. My body would not reject it, my body would appreciate it. My heart wouldn't have to work as hard to supply all of me with oxygen. My estrogen wouldn't be too high because of the extra fat on me. My joints would have less work carrying me around. AND MOST IMPORTANT...I am less depressed when I am excercising, eating a lot of vegetables, and limiting my fat.

I can do this!!!