So much

My life has been full of things to think about recently, but I'm doing okay.

A BIG thing...I got a foot in the door to work at Continental!!! This was last week, and really something to think about. Right now I work for a "regional" aka "the minors" Continental is the Majors!!! The reason Continental is hiring is they are expanding to do more international flying, can you imagine that??? International!!! That would be soooooo cool.

But guess what...I decided against applying. Right now I am making about $19 a block hour, that translates to almost $20,000 a year. If I were to move to Continental I would start at $16 per block hour, quite a dip. I also hold terrific senority, I have pretty much my pick of schedules, at Continental I would be on reserve for at least a year (on call, no set schedule.) With my airline, if they were to furlough, I would be safe. If continental furloughed (which let's face it, every airline does) I would be first on the list. I also am based in my home city, if I were to switch I would have to move or commute to Newark. And biggest of all, I work alone, a very good thing for an introvert. On bigger planes you have to work with other flight attendants who could at times be catty. The way I look at it is, my job ain't broke, so why fix it? I would rather focus my energy on my personal goals, which brings me to my next topic...

I joined Weight Watchers!!! I have been doing it for four days now, and my moods have improved IMMEDIATELY. Anyone reading this with depression, try eating only small portions of low-fat high-fiber foods, and taking 10,000 steps a day. I am serious. I have felt IMMEDIATELY better. I am more energetic, HAPPY, and more confident! All this time I have been eating cheese laden comfort foods when I felt low in energy, or in a sad mood, and what I should have been eating is low fat foods, and only enough to sustain me. Since eating what weight watchers says I should, I am SHOCKED by how much I was over-eating. I didn't think it was that much! I probably ate twice the food that I needed to each day! And the craziest (and most awesome) thing, guess what visited me yesterday...drumroll please...my sex drive! I have been indifferent about sex since increasing my antidepressant, not a good thing when you are having the best relationship of your life. So on the plane I was thinking, and a little "woo-hoo" showed up down there that I hadn't felt for months! So if anyone reading this has been having a low libido, try small quantities of low-fat high-fiber foods and increasing your activity. Do that- and it may increase your "activity." I look forward to trying out my new "woo-hoo" with Charles when I see him tomorrow.

Charles is the next topic. I talked to him about the word "Love" and I am both satisfied and unsatisfied with his thoughts on it. I am satisfied that he is not using me, playing me for a fool, or stringing me along. But I am unsatisfied by his perspective. He says love and commitment go hand and hand, and right now he can't commit to saying he is going to marry me (can we say baggage from prior relationships people?) I have been with him less than 4 months, I don't want a commitment that he is going to marry me, but I do want him to feel as strongly for me as I do for him. Part of it is cultural, I know, but not getting the word is building up my defenses, and my feelings for him are weakening. I have played the role of fool twice, I am completely unwilling to be that girl again. His hang-ups (especially his worry that a relationship might be a distraction from his goals) are quickly shutting down my emotional openness to him. It has been SO CHALLENGING to open up and care for a man, so this possible misunderstanding is more than enough to make me recoil. It is very possible that we wont last. I am not going to waste time being a couple if we dont have a future together, but I am going to stay with him for the time being, because I feel like I am growing a lot from our relationship, and the lessons I will learn, and the friendship I will develop, are worth the time away from the dating pool. And frankly, I just don't think I could possibly ask him to go.

All in all, what a good moment in my life. I have a job that I chose to stay with, even when offered another opportunity. I have been SO EMPOWERED in terms of my health...I can't imagine the changes in my life if I can maintain these habits. And I have a boyfriend who, in spite of a questionable future, is a blessing. yay.

And attention suicidal people...3 years ago I was suicidal, but I focused on being patient and kind with myself, worked closely with mental health professionals, and kept hope that life could be better, even though I thought I was fooling myself...but it was true. Don't give up! It will happen slowly, but if you stick to it...you will get better!

mood: so excited for my future