Honesty

Yesterday at my therapy appointment Dr. T. said "Something isn't right- you are saying you are so happy, but I can just sense something that doesn't match what you are saying." It's true. My life is so much different, but the depression is back, not fully, but it's there.

I feel regularly that my life leads me, I am not leading my life. I think a big part of it may be my roommate. She is an extrovert, she is very close to her siblings, so she really likes attention, and she is not gone on the days I am off, so I am not getting the time alone I need.

I have gained weight. The scale has said 200 pounds lately. I am upset about that. Prince Charles has NO problem with it, but I do.

I was just sorting through a bag of school notes from the semester that I had done so well, because of a successful anxiety medication, and then halfway through became suicidal. That was the semester that I, and my life, changed so much. I had tears welling in my eyes, I was feeling very emotional. My roommate came home, and I just mentioned how I missed school. She invited me to sit in on a class and I said that I wanted more than just a lecture, and as I was saying what it was I missed I heard "I look so good in boy shorts, see?" It was sort of a funny moment, she isn't as self centered as she sounds, but it just goes to show how I am feeling lately. I have included her into my life, but don't know how to assert that I need more autonomy. (She doesn't need it...she was born into a life shared with others) I was feeling really centered until she came home

And my last complaint, I haven't been blogging. I am not as dependant on the computer any more, things change, thats okay. I am going to go back to my old strategy "It doesn't have to be good...just write" I don't think that my posts lately are ones that I would be interested in reading if they werent about me, but at least I am writing something.

Off to bed, I was having such a calm night, enjoying the quiet, the ability to retreat deeply into my brain, not having my thoughts interrupted by responses to the news stories and comments on the evening party plans. This is life. Part of life is listening to people tell you that the polar bear club sounds like hell to them. I wish I lived alone, but if I am to get married one day, I think I should practice.

mood: agitated

Kevin Federline kissed my hand

Today after leaving the plane on the way home I was blocked on the moving walkway by three young men. They moved sexily and fluidly, and smelled faintly like cologne. I knew immediately that they were dancers.

As I approached them from behind I said "can I pass you on the left?" the shortest one moved aside, and as I walked by asked me "Do you know where we can smoke?" I said "I'm going that way, I will show you." They were young, they looked 19 or 20, and I wondered if they were going to have time to smoke and still make their connecting flight. I asked them where their connecting gate was, and when they didn't know I looked on the screens and found it for them. It was on the way, they had time.

I walked with them and chatted. I asked them where they were going, and they said LA for an audition...for a movie and as backup dancers. The were coming from Montreal. We joked around a little bit, they said something and I said "Hey! The American educational system isn't THAT bad" The one who looked like a well dressed Kevin Federline (except handsome) with shoulder length hair asked me if I knew where Canada was. I said "South America" the shorter one asked me if I was kidding I said "of course" but KF didn't catch on. He was like "Canada is North" and I said "Yeah, in the northern part of South America." Eventually I was like "come on, of course I am joking- I'm a better actor than you are" but he forgot and picked on me about it a few minutes later.

When we got to the area that I was to keep going they invited me to come with them. I said sure and stood outside with them. KF decided to start quizzing me on the two letter abbreviations of my states. I got one or two wrong, and he said "I know more about your states than you do." He was being playful, but I still called him on it, I said he was deciding I was an American stereotype and bullying me unfairly. He asked me what country I hated the most. I said I don't hate any countries, so he said what government do you hate the most. I said Sudan. He asked me what I thought of the Iranian government, I said that all I know is they say they want to wipe Isreal off the map, and I don't approve of destroying entire countries. KF and the tall boy with high hair were Iranian (Persian) and the shorter boy was Eritrean.

After their smoke they invited to come with while they got something to eat. I was excited, I loved being around them and their big personalities. As we walked KF asked if I spoke french. I don't so of course they started saying french things. Of course they were making jokes, but I don't think they were unkind.

The shorter man INSISTED I got a slice of Pizza, so I finally relented. We sat at a set of tables by the gate and I asked KF to tell me what I should know about Iran. He was very smart and articulate, especially for a sexy 22 year old! I learned about Eritrea too.

Why do I have this life? How cool was my evening? How lucky am I? Very. On the way home I talked to Charles (Did I mention he is my boyfriend now? :) ) and he told me about a childrens book he is going to write a critique on becuase of it's cultural mistakes and stereotypes. And I get to have him as a boyfriend!

And tonight I got to write to a favorite e-mail buddy for over an hour. I have a great life!

mood: ready for bed!

I can't believe this is my life!

Yeah so tonight we got a ride home from the D.J. Yeah, the D.J. drove us home. We left the bar with him, went into the booth while he got his equiptment, and all loaded up into his truck, with my roommate draped over the three of us in the back seat. We were going to hang out with his brother, him, and a few others but the night sort of fizzled, so they dropped everyone off.

So I know its not THAT big of a deal, but 10 years ago that would have been my DREAM COME TRUE! I wanted to be a DJ when I was in college, and just to hang out with one would have been so cool. I just like looking at my life and reflecting on what my fantasies of what I wished it could be and comparing them. My life really has over time become what I wished it could be, the funny thing is, now I am old enough to not care so much about such things.

So since I havent been posting much lately, maybe I can describe what my life has been. It has been a lot the same, but on thursday nights my roommate and I go to a reggae night at a nearby bar. There is a Reggae band playing upstairs, and then a "den of iniquity" downstairs playing dancehall and a little hip hop. The concert is where I met Charles, "The Kenyan prince" oh, and did I mention, he is my boyfriend now, and he treats me like gold.

Charles is the big deal in my life. I talk to him daily, and I really enjoy and respect him. Just yesterday we were laying in bed and he was telling me about a book he heard about on NPR. This is another dream come true! He is so considerate, and SOOOOO smart, hard working and just UH! So great. He seems to think I am pretty great too, last night he said "It's hard to find a woman who is both beautiful and humble" and I thought that was so great, since I think I am beautiful, but hardly enough to be at risk of affecting my humility. It sure is nice to have someone think that of me!

I guess I have a lot to write. I miss my blog. I have felt life sweeping me along lately, so I havent been reflecting as much, since I have been so busy just letting it all happen. Some might say thats a good thing, I think it is something I would like to change a bit. I value my blog, it has become a part of me. If my life is now much more fun or active, than why not commemerate it as much as I did my tortured feelings? And I have felt plenty of stress lately, stress that could be dissapated by writing.

I visited the psychiatrist for a follow up. He mentioned a Orthodox jewish tradition of saying a prayer of thanks before your feet hit the ground. I need to continue to say thinks for not being depressed. To not let this become a state I take for granted. And I must continue to work to ward off depression coming back.

Oh, and I forgot to mention...I quit the museum today. It was a long time coming. I wasn't willing to do the homework to be at the level I needed to be at. As I continued I just felt like a fraud. (I had been touring adults lately) It was a VERY hard thing to do, but I feel relieved that I did it. Really relieved.

It's 4:30AM. I should go to bed. I got a ride home from the D.J. tonight. TEE HEE HEE HEE HEE

Sex toys

I havent written much lately. Life is good even though I am feeling a bit of anxiety over a full social calendar and some tension (possibly unfairly) directed toward my roommate.

I just thought was important that everyone know that today I was at a sex toy store with my roommate, helping her buy a dildo and learning of the dangers of latex and rubber sex toys. BTW I was wearing my work uniform.

Just thought you should know that.

Slept half of the day

It's 4PM, I just woke up from a nap that started at noon. There was nothing that could have gotten me out of bed during that nap. I thought I was working today, but it turned out I don't work until tomorrow. Thank god. This is me first day alone in a month and a week. I have been dying for it.

I am stressed out. I had sex with Charles. (what I have decided to name the Kenyan prince.) Of course it was too soon. I told him I am not ready to do it again yet. He has been really cool about everything. I even told him about the Depression. But that doesn't stop the fact that the sex was really disappointing. He treats me like such a gem with my clothes on, I figured it would be the same with my clothes off. Instead he was ready to penetrate me before my shirt was even off. He didnt look into my eyes, and he bit my nipples too hard. He's not that great of a kisser either. After sex like that I am not real eager to sleep with him again, which makes staying together for long seem less realistic.

I am also stressed about the museum. A man in my last tour seemed to have distain for me. Like he was on to me that I am a huge fraud. I am not a huge fraud, I know plenty about the art, but I do not have a good tour planned. I need to pick, fast, what I am going to do. I really think the answer is to quit.

And the rest of the stress is I just need to decompress, to be alone. And fortunately I am today. Halleluja!

mood: blah, but not awful

A good bad job

I just gave a good bad tour at the museum. What I mean by that is I did a great job of doing a tour that I am NOT prepared for.

I really need to quit. I am doing this half-assed, and I need to either put the work in so I do a respectable job of it, or I need to quit, because the winging it that I am doing is a disservice to the museum and the artists.

So? Am I going to quit or not? I need to make a decision. "Not" doesn't mean not quitting but doing nothing different, "not" must mean I get to work and craft a good tour.

I really want to quit, everyone tells me I should... "If it's not fun, why do it?" So why dont I just do it? It's because it will mean I failed. I didn't rise to the challenge all the way (I did quite a bit...but I need to do more) But maybe now I want to persue school, weight loss, housekeeping, or being a better friend. I gave it a good shot, but not enough to be a success at it. I have really lost interest though.

What to do? (quit of course)

I met a Buddhist Monk

He was wearing a grey robe, I asked him about it and he told me it was a monk's robe. Some monks only eat the food that is donated to them, so I offered to buy him dinner. He said yes, but then declined when we left the plane. I walked him to the gate and chatted with him. We sat down at the gate, and he actually said powerful wise stuff! Just like you would hope chatting with a Buddhist monk would be!

He was so nice. He invited me to visit his monastary. YAY!