I am in Milwuakee. I just came in from the pool. My butt remains a little wet, and I imagine I have a soggy dark spot showing through my pants on my rear end. On the way to the pool I heard a woman's voice from the front desk "Diana?" I thought it was the desk clerk, alerting me to something about my room, but I looked over and it was Lorraine!

Instinctively I gregariously said "Hey how you doing!" but my higher functioning kicked in and I walked away immediately. I went to the pool expecting her to show up, where I would have to reiterate the letter I was forced to put in her file saying "You are a liar don't ever call my house again!" But thank goodness she never showed up. I told the desk clerk after I got out of the pool to please not give my room number out, so as long as she doesn't show up at the resturaunt I am good.

My reaction to saying how I feel is so much different than before I began the new medication, I was completely ready to assertively tell her about herself without worrying about hurting her feelings, which in this case is completely appropriate.

I am feeling a lot of different feelings since beginning this medication. Like an OCD sufferer, who hears a constant loop of "the house will burn down if you don't check the stove" I heard a constant loop of catastrophic thinking, and now that loop has been quieted substantially. This week alone I have felt confident enough to look into applying at a "real" airline, and also have toyed in my head with the old re-occuring dream, to be a physical therapist.

But as I said in my last post, even a brilliant mathematician will be stuck on a problem if they use the same incorrect methods over and over, I have felt inspired and confident before, and have repeatedly gotten in over my head. I did that a bit with the museum, but that ended up being a good thing becuase I raised the bar in what I expected of myself for the first time in 2 years.

So I am going to stay put. I am going to enjoy and improve on what I have accomplished so far, instead of jumping on the impulse to move up to a new level. No harm in INVESTIGATING schools, airlines, or creative pursuits, but for now, unlike before, I am going to look, look, and look some more before I leap.

mood: icky- my captain, F/O and a Norweigen pilot I have the hots for are in one resturaunt with Lorraine. I just said "can we go to this other resturaunt" when the captian came out to get me, and he knew why without me telling him. I tried to be discreet and say "I have good reason" and he said "I don't know about that" which means she has made something up about me. I bad mouthed a friend of the captain's to her, which I know she has shared, so now an ugly part of me has been exposed, and another has been invented about me, I feel on the defensive, which is stupid because I want nothing to do with this girl and she is trying to drag me in. whoooooooooooo, I just exhaled, writing that was helpful, if they ever get out of there I am going to talk about something else (hard to do.) Sad thing is the F/O and I had a nice dynamic going on, well now that he has learned about "what I did" he probably wont like me. (after the lesbian and "man in my room" inventions I am interested to know what she came up with) sheesh LOL