I am a "The Mamas and the Papas" song

I am intrigued.

I was ready to get up this morning around 9, but Emma was getting ready to go camping and I figured I'd just be in her way.

I am not racing to the cappucino machine to turn me into a human being.

I was yesterday, and I am this morning, negative. But how do I describe negative? I am not happy, well maybe a little, but I don't think I was happy before taking the new medication either. If I am full of anxiety and unhappiness what happens when you take the anxiety away? The unhappiness is left. I think its a feeling of unhappiness, not depression, a feeling of dissatisfaction, not hopelessness. Dissatisfaction is a very reasonable reaction to my life. I am only able to handle the bare minimum (which is an accomplishment- with severe depression you can't even get out of bed) I meet tons of amazing people, and have the ability to travel on my days off, but after 4 days of being nice to people I usually need my days off to hole up in my house and recharge for the next 4 days of friendly. My attempts at intellectual stimulation (the museum) have been interrupted with punishing anxiety and self-doubt. So why would I feel happy? I'll "happily" take dissatisfaction.

I can say this much too. I am feeling little bits of happiness here and there. Last winter I gave up coffee and I felt sort of similar, I was very popular I noticed, but I ended up needing the coffee again. The doctor described the coffee as self medication to compensate for the energy shortage from depression. What a combo, depression which tires you out, and when you use a stimulant so you are functional, you are paralyzed with anxiety niiiiiiiiiiiiiice.

I am having my huge cup of cappucino, just to make an equivalent comparison of me before the new medication and after, but once that is established I look forward to cutting down my caffiene consumption. I hate being dependant on anyone or anything...and I am, without a doubt, dependant on caffiene.

My hopes continue to be up. I am going to avoid fantasizing about having a career and husband and children and volunteering at the PTA and on campaigns and having an immaculate (large) home because as I have learned with the ativan, some medications arent meant to be. I am going to take it day by day, but when I imagine that there is a POSSIBILITY that maybe I could graduate college one day, I cant help but develop a huge grin.

mood: unhappy (yay!)