Oh God, Oh God, Oh GOD!

My roommate Emma just took me to a performance of an Indian dance dance company. The show was dancing, chanting, singing, and instruments all interpreting Catholic and Hindu Poems about God. It was so beautiful I cried like 8 times.

I realized something while watching it. In therapy I explained that I felt that I deserve to have sex because it makes me feel truly alive, Dr. T said that is a sign that I don't have enough things in the rest of my life that makes me feel that way. I interpreted that to mean I don't have enough fun in my life, but I realized that fun is not the "alive" I get from sex, it is spirituality.

I feel this "aliveness" when I attend art events. I feel it when I run. I feel it when I dance. That feeling is God. I feel "alive" because I have tapped the energy of the Universe.

It makes sense why sex is the only spiritual experience I allow myself. It is the only experience I can think of that existed only after my mother was gone. So much in my life I avoid things I love, because pain and anxiety so often accompanies happiness, perhaps because happiness taps into a part of my brain that has the memories of my mom, which are naturally tied to loss. At 15, when my grandmother died, I had already lost my mother to death, my stepmother to leaving, and my father to alcoholism. Something snapped in my head, the association was made: if you love something...it will be snatched away. I have been hardened ever since, and am yet to shake the association of joy and searing pain.

Sex is a joy completely associated with "adulthood." I put adulthood in quotes because I began my sexual activity in adolecence, but it still happened during my second incarnation, the person I was after she died. Her death and the change of my life was so abrupt that I became a completely new person (this is not unusual.)

My challenge now is to tap in to the universe as much as possible. It makes perfect sense why I feel that men are so essential to happiness, if they are the only way that I allow myself to be close to God, then of course I will feel empty without male company. A life full of art, excercise, exposure to nature and everything that is beautiful will allow me to tap into God's energy without a companion. I am sure there is some mind-blowing synergy that happens when two completely fullfilled people come together. I will not have that if I am not living life to it's fullest.

The way I have been living has been like eating a diet of only fat. I can survive on a diet like this, fat can be converted to energy, but to thrive I also need carbohydrates & protein. Yes, I have gotten something positve from the sex, but by depriving myself of art, fun, sports, my friends & family, all of the things that make life joyful, I have been "malnourished."

I wonder if the powerful spiritual aspect of sex is why there are so many religions that use celibacy as a religious practice. I know that when a person does not have sex for a long time their sexual energy is sublimated by other things, I am sure that is the main reason. But I wonder if it is also about tapping in directly to God. If you feel God while having sex you might associate the spiritual feelings with that person, not with the actual source.

mood:
this morning: broken hearted/depressed
with sister: happy
before performance: excited
now: spiritual