DianaCrabtree

I need a new blog!

2011-09-25T02:47:00.000-05:00

All the traffic I ever get on here is Russian spammers and people trolling for porn. Maybe if I posted more I could get my old readers back, but I got boring, in all my happiness. Problem solved. I'm miserable. And I have insomnia, and I think just writing this much already has calmed me. I might come back.

I am un tapering off lexapro

2011-04-27T20:41:00.002-05:00

It was almost a month. I have been crabby, more energetic, more emotional (bad and good), more insecure, as I got some of my sex drive back. And more anxious.

I did not do this under the assistance of a doctor. I did not do this with a therapist talking me through it. So I quit.

The good thing of this is, I know I can do it. And I will again. Maybe someday I will have a baby, and then I will go off completely, surviving this has shown me it's possible.

I just don't want to do it right now. Probably because of how insecure I have felt since being called unattractive by a douchebag. If I already have to be fat and messy, at least I should be fat and messy and confident.

So, I dont see this as a failure. It was an experiment. A successful experiment. It will suck that I went through withdrawl and will have to one day experience it again, but thats just that. I need to get on with my life right now.

I will miss my libido though...

I want to increase my Lexapro again

2011-04-22T12:22:00.002-05:00

...There is nothing stopping me. I could do it, my Rx remains the same. I just should do it at the same time as seeing a therapist.

I am still torn up about what that guy said to me 2 days ago. Who cares if a guy finds you unattractive? It's not a big deal, it's just one guy, but it has stuck in my craw. Maybe it has tapped into something, a fear of mine of "dying alone." (he commented on only wanting women who are at an age that can have children) Maybe it is because I was pretty sure that we HAD chemistry, seriously...if I was mistaken by that then it makes me question my instincts. Maybe it is because he did it without my even expressing any certain interest, after HE asked me to a movie. Maybe it's because I got up at 3AM, 3 days in a row.

Right now, I am actually feeling like it was a blessing. A real blessing. I need to see how attractive I am NOT as a way to choose my potential mates. If a sorta fat guy likes me, I should go for it, if I think I could tolerate him. And I should get over my desire to not date right now, because it might be the price I need to pay to get married, ever. Ugh.

Lexapro Taper Temper Tantrum

2011-04-20T20:17:00.003-05:00

I was thinking this afternoon how well my tapering is going. After a week or so the crabbiness has worn off a bit, and I just have a boost of energy.

I have been getting up at 3AM for the past few days for work, and so I am overtired, but making it through. And what happens? A cool, attractive, & slightly older guy called to invite me to a movie. He definitely likes me, if it was sexual I was unsure of, but having him invite me to a movie certainly gave me a cue.

I am in Toronto so when he called I texted him to send me a facebook message. We write a few messages back and forth and he sends one that says "You know, I asked a bunch of people if they knew anyone single and 2 of them said YOU. I think you are nice and all, but I need that animal attraction. Grunt."

OK, first off, the animal attraction on my side is there, and usually I don't feel attraction unless I am getting it back. But it is irrelevant. This came out of nowhere, I didn't suggest myself as a potential new girl, he just said it. Without prompting, I was told I am not attractive enough for a man in his late 40s.

You know, I am too chicken to go out into the dating world. If we had gone to a movie I might have decided I was interested, and then when he rejected me, it would have been a response to me putting myself out there. But instead it just followed me in my little shell "you aren't attractive enough for me" and I wasn't even sure I was interested in him!

So my first instinct was very confident, just to say "You arent attracted to ME? Then you arent a MAN!" but as I was trying to come up with things to say, I just started feeling bad feelings. Hurt. And I decided I don't have to play along. He insulted my appearance for no good reason (he didn't even have to mention that people suggested me) my feelings were hurt, so I told him. Assertively.

Then he wrote back and apologized, and he said something like "I thought I could be honest with you" I don't know, that rubbed me the wrong way. Yes, he could be honest with me, but I didn't ask if I measured up to his standards. I was pretty sure he was showing sexual interest, not platonic interest, but I wasn't going to come out and say it. HE sort of came to ME.

So I said "Well let me be honest with you. I think if you are 50, you should be happy to find someone 50. If having kids was a priority, than you should have had them in your 30s. Did you ask my opinion about this? No, you didn't, but you got it." Aggressive.

He said something about "She has to be young enough to have/want kids" and that pissed me off. I don't know what pissed me off about it, but it was like that is why he wants a woman, an incubator for his DNA. Had he said he prefers that I might have seen it differently. But hearing a comment like that really nauseated me, and in the same message he is telling me I don't meet HIS qualifications.

Wow, and now that I examine it, it was a double insult. "You aren't attractive enough to date, and in a few years there are a lot fewer men who will want you because your reproductive organs, the most important thing about a woman, will not work anymore." Never mind that HE, an older man, might not have "fully operational equipment" himself!

It's bad being rejected, even worse being rejected by someone that you aren't that sure of. It's worst of all being rejected by someone you aren't that sure of out of the blue with no warning.

So, is it withdrawl from the Lexapro that made me lash out, or stronger emotions I am not used to? Maybe both, mixed with lack of sleep?

I do feel like trying to hurt him back isn't what I believe in, it's not my "way" but I feel so glad I did it. I hate being pushed around, and I hate what women are valued for. I wanted him to understand what it's like to get info you didn't ask for, but he sort of DID ask for it.

Now I hope I can sleep.

A week and a half tapering down lexapro

2011-04-16T15:27:00.002-05:00

Wow, I am amazed I came this far. Maybe it's psychological for me, but I am glad I did it in smaller increments than is suggested. I was taking 15mg, which is a higher than average dose. I then went down to an estimated 14mg, and now I am taking 12.5.

I am crabby crabby. When I am in a bad mood I say to myself in a jokey way "I hate the world, I want to throw things" I hear myself saying that more & more. I can feel my libido increasing quite a bit, and I think I am "self-medicating" a bit by masturbating a lot. I only find this funny, not problematic, but I am hoping that if my libido comes back I don't go back to having casual sex. I don't think its a BAD thing, just a distraction from making an attempt at a relationship.

I did have a weird night the other day...I drank WAY too much wine one night, and was vomiting a lot. Because I was, I didn't take the lexapro, I just knew I would throw it up. The next day I couldnt hold anything down, not even water! I just slept all day and took .5mg after I was holding things down, (plus the normal amount.)

Basically my withdrawal feels like depression. But on the upside I am feeling positive emotions more strongly too. I felt an overwhelming amount of love for my friend's 3 year old. That was cool :)

The bad news is I am having sexual fantasies about being a webcam model! I think it would be absolutely hot to do the little shows for Japanese men. It would be TOTALLY for an exhibitionist turn on, not the money, (money being a part of the submissive fantasy) but I am going to stop myself from doing it! One person makes one screen shot of what I am doing and my personal kink is out there for the world to see. You hear about people losing their teaching jobs (and political careers) from stuff like that. Geez, do I REALLY want my sex-drive back? AK!

So, I think I will try to stay at this level, though the sex drive thing is making me tempted to go down MORE! LOL! Maybe I need a boyfriend first, then I can taper off and I will have someone to take my sexual and crabby energy out on! LOL :)

I am tapering off my Lexapro...starting today

2011-04-04T00:09:00.005-05:00

I shouldn't even publish this. Vulnerable people, who don't have as much practice reading their own moods might try it, not under a doctor's supervision, and hell, even I shouldn't, I have been on it for years, cutting back could make me sick...but we will see. I cut back in the past, and I remember my mood took a turn of fear of impending doom. This was mild, but I was pleased to be aware that it was because of the tapering, not because there was ACTUAL doom around the corner, and that I am psychic (That's what it feels like.) Once I realized that I went back to my normal dose.

This is very unscientific, but I take a pill and a half. The normal maximum dose is one pill. My new plan is to take 1 1/3 for a week, then taper to 1 1/4 for a month or so. If it goes well, maybe I would go down a bit more, but I would cut down to only as little as one pill...beyond that I would do it under a doc's supervision. For all I know I might feel too bad after 2 days and go back to the original dose.

2011-03-13T09:01:00.005-05:00

My photos show a wonderful time. And that's all true. There has been a lot of laughing, goofing around, memories to document and remember. There have also been moments I would like very much to forget, moments like right now, where I am eating in the kitchen, alone, and they are eating in the bedroom.

First of all, what could I expect to happen? Two days in advance I emailed my friends in Nice "Can I visit you on Thursday?" A few hours later I recanted, "it's too soon, I realize that" and was pleased to see my friend Sonia was enthusiastic about the idea. She had I dream I would visit. It was exciting.

What could I expect to happen? Three people, stuffed into an apartment with one bedroom and no living room? I go crazy having someone in my space. Sonia does, too, its obvious, even if she won't admit it to me or herself.

I am writing it because it is a secret that this trip has had as many bad memories as good. I will play it down with them, be silent with everyone we know, and so I have to write it down so it doesn't come bursting out of me.

One of a few situations that make me/prove that I am totally fucked up (and afraid to date)

2010-12-19T01:04:00.003-06:00

HIM May 23, 2009 at 5:07pm
It says you are single,it doesn't say your the sexist thing since hot pink underpants

Me May 24, 2009 at 2:08am
It just says I am single so I can pick up guys on facebook more easily

Him May 24, 2009 at 11:10am Report
So you are cheating on me;), well I'm back in az. How was the party? Fun I hope. I'd like to know more about you now that I'm far enough away that my physical attraction to you well not take over. I'll start off with what are u doing this summer?

Me May 24, 2009 at 2:34pm
Ok buddy. You are perfectly welcome to shower me with attention and praise and all, but I really dont want this to go anywhere, so if we "get to know eachother" let it be with that understanding that its just as friends. I don't like hurting peoples feelings, and I have been led on in the past, so I don't want to be the person who does that.

Hope your flight was nice

Him May 25, 2009 at 4:15am
Wow, harsh words, I really just wanted to know what you were up to this summer but I can see how it might of sounded like I wanted to make plans. I was just trying to break the ice.

Him May 25, 2009 at 4:19am
Ps, was the sex that bad?

Me May 25, 2009 at 9:35am
Not harsh at all, maybe you know your intentions, but you came on really strong, so I could only use the information you gave me.

Him June 14, 2009 at 3:00am
How the fuck did it come to this? .

Him June 14, 2009 at 3:09am
Okay, it is mostly my fault, but still, I can't be that uninteresting. .

Me June 14, 2009 at 5:46pm
Hi there.

I don't know if you are interesting or not. I really didn't get to know anything about you, at all really. Chock it up to drinking, I think. We both drank too much. You were pushy and not paying attention to my non-verbal (and verbal) cues that I wasn't interested. I was a drunk wuss, if you wouldn't take the subtle hints I should have spoken up louder. All I know is I just went with it because it was easier than hurting your feelings/putting a damper on the night.

This time I know I am being harsh, but I mean it in a constructive way. If you had pulled back when I sent cues I wasnt into it (read:turning away when you try to kiss me, and when you did, saying "I dont feel any magic") maybe we could have had a conversation and maybe I would have found you interesting, and became interested. Instead I felt annoyed, and in the light of day, I realize, cheated, you called me "pretty" about a million times, and said nothing else, really. It felt like the only effort you could put into it was saying you were interested, not really giving me any reason, or even caring, for me to be interested.

Hey, we all act like idiots when we are drunk, I am sure you are different sober. I am giving you this info so you can use that night as a lesson to help with the next girl. Definately drink less, and follow the cues the girl sends you, if she pushes away, back up and wait until she shows interest, then slowly try to build it. I have learned to drink less and speak louder about how I feel.

Sorry about being harsh for real this time, but I believe in treating people the way I want to be treated, and so I think honesty is nicer and more useful than calling you a dick and letting you use the same technique on the next person.

Him
Never wrote back

[Extra information: When other people in the group were leaving, I told my friend I was ready for him to leave too. I needed her support. He wasn't getting the message. She said "He's nice" I felt so alone. I felt like no one was listening. And no one was. I joke in private with my friend that I am a slut, in her eyes I have no standards. She must have expressed it to him somehow I was a "sure thing" which I almost am. If I feel turned on, why not? But I wasn't turned on. I could have been interested, had he behaved remotely interesting, but he wasn't, he just kept trying to kiss me. So finally I let him come home with me and let him have sex with me. I basically raped myself. I pushed myself to have sex that I didn't want to have. I just got so tired of protesting. No one was listening. No one cared that I wasn't interested.]

Facebook status from Toronto Jackass who wouldn't spend $10 on a pail of Kung Pao chicken for me

2010-12-07T17:21:00.002-06:00

"It's like the second day of snow in Toronto and I woke up to find out my Mercedes truck was smashed into by some lady who slid thru an intersection. What a start to the holiday season."

MERCEDES? WHAT THA F????????

All in all, it just makes me look more foolish. For letting it get this far, but I am grateful for all of the reinforcements he and the universe give me that no 9 inch penis is worth feeling so shabby. I saw a excerpt from "Celebrity Rehab" with Brandon Davis or what ever his name is, and something about his personality reminded me of Toronto Jackass. Seeing the personality on someone who is not attractive and promising me easy, good sex really helps me see more clearly.

I feel absolutely no temptation to get back in touch, which in the past was my problem. I would get irate at him, then forget about him, and then invite him over when I am in Toronto or to chat with him online. Now I don't feel irate, I dont care enough to be irate. I feel like he is trash and I am foolish to play the "rescue the wounded puppy" game when I know better.

Toronto Jackass is an addiction that I need to rehab

2010-11-29T20:21:00.004-06:00

I needed to end the "Give him a chance dating" Stage one is to interact or go on a date and not like a guy. 2) Lie to myself and say I like him, mostly because it means I will probably get sex soon. 3) Put up with the whole situation for a month or so, until I can't take it anymore, hurting the guy and feeling angry and violated by myself for pushing myself to be with someone I don't want. 4) Feel repelled to all men, and if I don't meet someone I like until I get horny/lonely again, return to stage one.

Toronto Jackass was going to be my antidote to this awful pattern. I couldn't get rid of him, I might stay strong for a few months, but once he contacted me, or I saw him log on the messenger, I would be friendly again. The times I deleted him from Facebook, Myspace, and IM, he would get back in touch with me, and I would cave in. In the end, the Id wants what the Id wants. Besides being hung, and hard easily and consistently. The sex isnt always mind blowing, but it is never bad.

I can't even remember all of the manifestations we have been in. At first it was amazing discussion of creativity online, I really admired his music, and our conversation motivated and inspired the creativity in me. But he kept hanging up abruptly, and other strange, thoughtless things. At some point I deleted him, at another point I decided it would be only sex. And it was.

It's a blur, but he started confusing me. He said things that suggested he thought about me. He occasionally said he "liked me" I tried to get my head around it, and after a WONDERFUL conversation one evening and especially after seeing him again, and LETTING MYSELF FEEL it, I felt something, he could be my boyfriend, I didn't have to will myself into it like with the "give him a chance" relationships, I was IN. The next day I texted him a guaranteed conversation starter, that I had just cut down twelve trees, and his response to me was "OK."

After that day I knew I couldn't try again. I let myself be vulnerable, I let myself be excited, and I couldn't muster up that sort of optimism again. I went into another "Give him a chance" relationship which I expect will be my last. I can't put myself through that again. I just end up angry at myself and sort of violated. Whenever I am in my backyard I get these awful memories of feeling angry at my "give him a chance" guy. He turned into a condescending dick! He also bought blue paint for my gray house (Perhaps covering that up will be the antidote.) I decided since I can't get rid of Toronto Jackass, I will allow him in my life (read:bedroom) to protect myself from that "give him a chance" cycle.

It was a good idea. I sexed him up good on an overnight. It wasn't as good because since it started so fast I was not as warmed up, but I got some penis & some cuddles, and felt great the next day. for a few days we shot the shit seamlessly on Skype, and then one night him and his friend were drunk, and during the three way conversation TJ called me his girlfriend, and said "I love her." I liked the things he was saying, but I know from experience to wait for follow up behavior. That night, he repeatedly said, pleaded, that I stay longer. I said would be coming in early, so we could go to a movie or dinner. It is a good thing I knew better than to take his side comments seriously, because the next day he was not online again.

The day arrived, I assumed he forgot, and after a melancholy week, didn't feel like reminding him. But he did remember, and I felt hopeful that cuddling would help my depression, and that a few moments in his company would rev my dormant libido. We arrived at the hotel at 7PM, I had to wake up at 4:30. When he wasn't at the hotel still at 8:20, I texted him to ay i was too tired to go out, and asked him to bring takeout. He responded that he had spent his last $10 running an errand for his brother, but he would go out and get something for me when he got to the hotel. I forgive him for forgetting we had dinner plans, but it seriously appeared he had been, the whole time, going out of his way to avoid spending a penny on me. I texted him saying not to come. He said he would be at the hotel in 10 minutes. I told him I was not in a friendly mood and not to come. He didn't respond. In a dick move after already being a dick, he didnt write back to say, "OK, next time" so I could sleep, knowing he wasn't going to show up anyway.

I don't know if I will let him back into my good graces. I don't have any expectations but if a guy can't even spring for some Kung Pao chicken then I feel like a booty call or a sugar mama. And I think I have figured out his relationship nudging. When I want only sex, he wants a relationship. When I want a relationship, he wants space/freedom/independance from responsibility. When I want to resolve conflict he wants to rev it up. It has nothing to do with me, or what he wants in his heart. What he wants is the upper hand. He is such a mindfucker he is inconsistent. He told me a story about his brothers throwing him off the roof, and I know they physically fight to this day. I don't know what is wrong with his head but I know he will do what he can to ensure I feel just as off balance as long as I am in his world.

It's all very disappointing, but what I really liked about him is his creativity, and I think he had a muse effect on me, which is probably why I continued to respond and let him back into my life. I can continue to have that from him, I can listen to his music and feel that inspiration and admiration without allowing him personally close.

I was able to quit the cookies we pass out on the airplane, I can quit Toronto Jackass.

"It gets better" or "Unpeeling the layers of the onion"

2010-10-16T20:36:00.003-05:00

Wonderful things have happened this month. My trip to Europe flipped a switch in me. I ate like a European for two weeks. When I say "Eat like a European" I mean eating small portions of real and high quality food, while seated, and purchasing food fresh, every few days, not buying two weeks of high-preservative groceries at a time. And walking or using public transportation, not driving everywhere.

I have. I have given up fast food almost entirely, and now am living off of stir fries (steam in the bag veggies + sauce and usually a protein like meat or tofu) and when I eat out, I am trying to choose healthier foods, not just low fat McDonalds grilled chicken sandwiches that have chicken flavoring added to make it taste more "Chickeny."

I also *Gasp!* have cut down on coffee dramatically. The fluid that was the one thing keeping me from suicide is now showing itself as the thing that may be holding me back from many of my goals.

I still have been drinking coffee, in a 75% decaf blend, but when I am drinking it, or tea, I am using agave syrup instead of Splenda. I have read that agave syrup might not be healthy either, but I am just not willing to give up sweetners all together* (and when I tried having sugar, not artificial sweeteners, I gained weight.)

Well, the cutting down of coffee has cut down my anxiety, and I am sure the years of therapy plus the power of leaving your environment helps, but I am getting rid of all the things I have held onto for over a decade. It helps a lot to watch the show "Hoarders" while sorting. It puts in perspective that what seemed like innocent habits can become serious problems, and the fact that I don't have company over- perhaps a contributor to depression, shows it already is a problem.

It's amazing, and heartening that as I get healthier, layers of dysfunctional behaviors show themselves, and I am strong enough to address them. Don't feel overwhelmed if you read this and feel anxious from the thought of letting go of any of these things. Sometimes your depression is bad enough that your priority is getting to work and showering. Go for it (though if you can try to keep your coffee intake from escalating, I think it's a good idea)

As we are hearing so much lately--- "It gets better!"

*I like stevia in tea, but it isn't good in coffee, in my opinion.

Coffee with cream, depression, and anxiety

2010-10-03T09:07:00.002-05:00

I am snuggled under my covers with a cup of tea, at 9:10 in the morning, happy. Sounds impossible? You might be a coffee addict, like me. When in Europe, prepared coffee was expensive, small, and needed at different times of day because of time zones. I cut down, and found my appetite went down, but more than anything, appreciated that I wasn't useless in the morning pre-coffee.

My relationship with coffee is a relationship of pure love. My mother and I used to eat coffee flavored Haagen-Dazs ice cream, and coffee Dannon yogurt, and I knew early on that the combination of sweet and bitter was intoxicating, high on the list with chocolate.

By the age of 15, I had my mom die, my stepmother leave, my dad passed out daily from alcohol, and my maternal grandmother die. I was majorly depressed, but with a handful of drive to make my life better. I discovered "General Foods International Coffee" and at 18, when I started getting suicidal ideation, I came up with the strategy that if the doctors would not give me medication, I would use coffee to counteract the psycho motor retardation from depression. I got the medication, but I have continued to use, and value, coffee as a tool to keep me going.

But now I am giving it a break. I can't (or don't want to) quit, it can be a life (and job) saver when I feel like I will fall asleep in the jump-seat. If you are addicted, it becomes less of a tool, because the effectiveness wears off, and it creates more situations where you cant survive without it. But my major reason? Vanity, of course! I noticed the day I had 2 cappucinos my appetite went up, so all my ducks have been lined up.

For me to tell someone with anxiety and depression to quit drinking coffee, to me, seems cruel. But I can feel (now that the withdrawl symptoms have passed) that I am more mellow, which is good and bad. I love how coffee makes me happy and energetic, but I remind myself that reducing the times I use it makes the effects stronger.

What makes me think I am on the right track is that yesterday, I spent the night at my friends' and forgot to take my lexapro. I felt weird all day, but assumed it was lack of sleep. I realize that because the coffee wasn't pumping up my anxiety, the withdrawal symptoms were much more manageable.

I feel a sense of strength. My depression and anxiety are managed enough that I can survive without coffee. It gives me hope that one day I can go off medication long enough to be pregnant and breast feed, or, if not, it just makes me feel proud. I am strong. I dun well.

Bonjour from France

2010-09-28T04:23:00.002-05:00

I read an old post of mine today, and felt so proud. I really feel like "Diana Crabtree" was something good. I know it was good for me, it really helped me rise out of depression, but I also think (hope) that a post or two might have influenced someone else.

I am writing this from France, staying with friends I met in India. When I started Diana Crabtree I was so depressed that getting up and brushing my teeth was a challenge that I only did when neccessary. Today I am outgoing and spend time on myself, even a little flashy.

My point? The journey out of depression is worth it. Taking the medication is worth it. Swithing from an all sugar all fat diet to a slightly healthier one is worth it. CHANGING the way you see things to more positive, more grateful, even if it reminds you of people you hate, is worth it.

I want to take a depression nap

2010-04-19T13:23:00.004-05:00

I feel so depressed! I am breaking up with my Gym, and it feels like a real break up.

My gym was so great! It was owned by Mark, who was a special, special guy. Honestly, even though he is physically attractive, I never felt sexually attracted to him, it was more like a brother, but I really, really liked him, he was motivating, upbeat, and most of all respectful. I may be fat, but he still treated me like I have a brain in my head.

Well to squeeze the story together, I called and talked to his wife, saying I wanted to buy sessions from Mark, because he is the only one worth a damn. Her response was "He is swamped, but I'll train you" leaving me with nothing to say but OK, otherwise I would insult her, basically saying she is ALSO not worth a damn, which, by the way, she isn't.

Long story short, I am quitting the gym. It struck me that she is having Mark take care of their kid while she trains me. I was lied to, and sadly, it's not because she is trying to further her career, it's because she thinks I want to steal her stupid husband. She is tiny and blonde and I am fat. Also, what about trust?

So my gym is gone. I have to get my guts together to quit. It feels just like a breakup...

AND THERES MORE...

Toronto jackass and I are "on again" and I feel more strongly for him than ever. Of course, either he is a "bad communicator" or he is passive agressive. All I know is I feel stressed that he is mad at me, which is proof that "don't bother with toronto jackass"

AND THERES MORE...

You know my hairdresser friend? I am so tired of her. Too much walking on eggshells. I made an appointment with her yesterday, and asked her to call me, because I dont have her number. She didnt send a message to me until later saying she doesnt have my "new number" and that she gave me hers. Bullshit. She didnt want to get together that day, and she is sneakily blaming it on me. I don't even like her much anymore (too fucking bossy) but I want my fucking haircut, and I feel like I have to go to her out of loyalty or some shit. Im so pissed.

So basically. I just want to crawl back into bed. I am fat with no gym, have no sex, and I need a haircut. Oh, and I have to work with the biggest jerk tomorrow. For 4 days actually.

DEPRESSED!

Sex with a 13 year old girl who looks 18

2010-03-19T12:38:00.004-05:00

I was that thirteen year old girl, or, more accurately, I was twelve. An ugly duckling, one day I looked in the mirror and I had these beautiful B cup boobs. My body looked like the girls on the videos on MTV, the ugly duckling was...PRETTY.

After years of being ignored by boys, they suddenly were looking at me. Not just boys but older boys, even men. I liked the attention from men, it made me feel like they were sending their adult, and therefore safe and powerful approval. I noticed that tilting my head a certain way made me more pretty, wearing a shorter skirt made me more pretty, it felt so wonderful to be pretty.

I also was so lonely. My stepmother left my dad, and my dad just started drinking so much that he was passed out every night. I was still in shock from my mother dying 4 years ago, suddenly not having a mother, a stepmother, or even a father, was so lonely and scary. Getting attention felt wonderful. Getting VALIDATION felt wonderful. Being pretty made me feel worthy, and feeling worthy was a rare thing when I had suddenly lost all of my parents.

HORNY. Did I mention I was sooo horny? I had been masturbating for years, and I was obsessed. It was this new and amazing thing. Orgasms were just...wow! It was such a fun new thing. I had sexual fantasies about David Lee Roth (I invented 69 in my head before I knew it existed!) and Atrayu from "The Neverending Story." I was a walking hormone. The kids at school had started calling me a "Slut" which was weird since I hadn't really kissed a boy unless you counted my best friend when I was six, so I knew my feelings made me weird, and bad.

Finally, I met Scott. His name has NOT been changed, to NOT protect the guilty. He was 17 and my first boyfriend. He had long stringy hair and drove an El Camino. I felt at the top of the world that he was my boyfriend.

Having never had a boyfriend, I didn't know anything, but I saw heavy metal videos and knew that sex was something boys want. I felt like "This is what you should be doing, this gives you the 'edge' with boys." I LOVED kissing. I LOVED having my boobs touched. I really didn't want to have sex yet. I wanted to THINK about having sex, but I really didn't want to do it. But I told myself this was what I should do.

I played pool with Scott at his family's hotel. I had decided "This is going to be the night I have sex" I remember laying there for what felt like ages, and how it hurt worse than anything I could ever imagine. I bled for days. Scott called me and asked me if I was a virgin, I said "NO!" quickly, ashamed he might know my horrible secret.

We had sex a second time, it hurt just as much. I had decided I will just have to be really strong and be a really good actress, sex was a must to keep this intoxicating attention from boys. I was pretty worthless (if not, my dad would be taking care of me, not passed out, ignoring me) so if I am going to keep this attention from boys I needed to use every weapon I had. Sex was it, and 4 minutes of excruciating pain every few weeks was what I would have to endure if I wanted to keep it.

I found out that Scott was cheating on me with another 12 year old girl. Apparently she wasn't having sex with him, because what 12 year old girl has sex?

Last night I saw the excellent movie Towelhead. A child in puberty is still a child. A child with an adult's body, is still a child. A child with sexual desires is still a child, and touching them is a despicable crime.

I see handsome teen athletes on my airplane, and even if their adult-seeming bodies stir something sexual in me, even if they persue me, they are still children. Their minds are the minds of children, and as an adult, I am in a postion to protect them, not abuse them. Yes, they have sexual desires, and one might desire me, but they are not intellectually ready or prepared to be responsible for that desire. Touching a child, even if their body looks like an adult, even if they request it, is rape. Molestation.

With help of my therapist, I forgave myself for persuing sex that I wasnt ready for. She reminded me that at 12, I wasn't developed enough in the first place to make a decision like that. My boyfriend was 17, so therefore a child himself. It might not have been a legal crime, but thank goodness it was 5 years, I think, before I had sex again. Because no decent person has sex with a 12 year old.

Completely awesome Website

2010-03-16T23:35:00.002-05:00

I was researching Lexapro, and have found lots of interesting things (Learning that my sort of off-putting blase attitude & forgetting words are reported side effects) yet I was totally impressed with this site:

http://www.crazymeds.us/

What I like can be described on the first page of the site, about different unhelpful attitudes about psychotropic drugs, but also, it's funny, and when you are depressed, even the tiniest bit of humor is helpful.

Check it out! Look up your current medication or one you had an awful time with.

Porn Ruins Sex

2010-03-01T21:04:00.003-06:00

I fly with the pornographer pilot next week. I have been writing this post in my head.

Pornography (not photos/videos of 2 happy people having sex- PORN) is the other side of the puritan Christian coin. The Puritan Christan belief that sex is a vile biological function, that like excrement, a man can try to hold in, but he must release now and then. For a woman to participate in such a vile act, and to *shudder* enjoy it, makes them as low as excrement, and therefore should be punished for it.

How better to punish them than by calling them names, shower them with biological liquids, on their body, their hair they took time to fix, on their face, in their eyes? Perhaps remove their own pleasure in the act by agressively penetrating orafices that cause pain, bleeding, permanent damage. To add to this, document the act to be distributed around the world, so her fatal choice cannot be forgotten, she is tainted with the record of her desire, and her accepting her deserved punishment.

So now these documents are available for free to curious boys and girls who want to learn about sex. At a young age these images are implanted in the minds of these growing boys and girls, whos sexuality is developing.

A sexually open girl will be punished regularly, and will usually stop being sexually open, thus leaving those sexually open women (and those trafficked and exploited) to take the brunt of the punishment. Women fall into two categories, those to be loved, and those to be fucked. To be loved a woman must walk a tightrope of being alluring, but not so much that they cross the line into deserving punishment for their allure. Makes women either want to A) shun sex or B) fulfill their own physical desires, while developing a hatred for the men.

But the difference between women who hate men, and men who hate women? Women who hate men say "I hate men." Men who hate women say "I LOVE women."

When I hadn't written in awhile- "Diana is alive"

2010-02-26T15:54:00.000-06:00

Hey Ya'lls.

Life is pretty damn good here. The suicidally depressed Diana is very happy. I have wanted to blog now and then, but when blogger switched over to google and had a new password, I was winding down on Diana Crabtree, and so I keep forgetting how to log in! I don't know how many people still check in, but I do know that spammers have discovered my blog.

So whats new? I bought a house, I have visited Delhi, India 4 times, and am still at the airline. The depression is still in remission, I have been taking my medication consistently and practicing the things I learned in therapy (optimism and gratitude, ignoring catastrophic thinking, ignoring insulting self-talk etc)

So now I dont feel like writing anymore, but there have been a few times I wanted to but couldnt because I didnt remember the password. I really hope to blog more, because blogging is so much more fun than being productive ;)

Where is Diana? Is she in India?

2009-06-13T20:58:00.002-05:00

I am still alive! I am doing pretty well, very well, volunteering with the kids at the childrens home has gotten me over the whole pressure to get married thing (no biological rush-I have kids now) and given me a sense of purpose/desire formore in my life. I have been impressively social, I still am on facebook way too much, but one step at a time.

I don't know what I want to do with the blog now, I have really gotten out of the habit of writing, and fortunately been sharing
More of my anxieties with my friends, which is really healthy.

I began Diana Crabtree when I began therapy, while suicidally depressed. I went for two years, consistantly took my medication and made changes in my life, slowly but surely, and the depression has been in remission for ages. I have a LOT to work on with myself, lots of mess, as fat as ever, but I am no longer my own enemy, so I can solve my problems, or manage them, without putting myself through hell.

I am so grateful for the way Diana Crabtree helped me come out of my shell, and gave me a place to organize and let out my thoughts. I suggest anyone else suffering create a similar blog, just remember to hide your identity (it's a dangerous world out there) and remember, vulnerable people might be reading it, so don't get too dark or give advice that can trigger someone else, stay positive.

Thanks for reading, who knows, I may start writing again one day :)

Vomit. Vomit. Vomit.

2009-04-08T09:12:00.003-05:00

Men plague me even when I am not looking for them.

I am in India, and a member of the family I met and fell in love with last year and I have been IM/e-mail friends since last year. We even flirted, and thought about dating. We sort of "broke up" before I even came out here, but when he learned I was back, heres how it went:

He said he sort of had feelings for this girl here, (21 year old, he is 34) I was expecting a prim & proper little church girl, but instead it was a hot bitch little church girl. So when he knew I was , he said now he wasn't sure about her. I made it easy for him: Pick her. I dont fight over men, men fight over me.

So now she broke his heart and he is jealous that I have a 23 year olbackd taking me to Old fort. My response to that was "younger and prettier always wins"

Music makes me lonely

2009-03-05T17:17:00.004-06:00

I have put together a nice little entertainment center for myself. A TV, DVD player, VCR and little radio the has an auxiliary option that I can use for my iPod or computer. Right now I am listening to a few of my favorite CDs that I have been able to upload to my iPod, and getting this familiar ache.

What I am about to say isn't a revelation, it isn't even my idea, and I probably have said it already a dozen times. I am not lonely for a man, I am lonely for myself! I believe this is why I can't commit to a nice, boring cubicle worker...I keep wanting a man to bring me the stimulation that I am not giving myself in my life!!!

Look at the guys who do it for me...musicians, filmmakers, writers, photographers; successful business or activist types; scientists; people who regularly participate in active things like biking & hiking. Now this is all well and good, you should share interests, but that ache isn't for their company, it's for their inspiration. Its the reminder of myself. I have not been successful at any of these things, and so I am making that antiquated "woman" mistake of trying to create fullfillment from someone else's accomplishments.

I know this was the attraction with Toronto Jackass. His music is just. fucking. brilliant. God he was a jackass, and of course with that 30% sympathetic personality, it just kept me hooked, even with the complete knowledge that he was a jackass. I started writing back and forth with him while I was seeing Mike. He started it. I just responded on Myspace that I loved the music, and the conversation went from there. The hours we spent writing inspired me to ask Mike for more time together, and during our online chats I got to observe the creation of the most beautiful song, which comforted me through the breakup with mike, and the blow-off from Jimmy, the brother of the man that married my cousin. The way T.J. acted I would not put up with from anyone, except maybe him, or a member of Fischerspooner or Royksopp. He pulled that creative part out of me, and I am happy to say I don't want to put her back.

God, I can't believe how conformist I have become over the years. One thing I wonder is if I need to leave my state, where people are very subdued. I constantly feel like I am "too much" and I can't think that withholding my enthusiasm is good for my mental health. I think back to how obsessed I would get with things, particularly music. I would buy a "Q" magazine and just melt into the pages, fawning with the "ravers" in particular, in denial of how much drugs were involved with their elaborate personas. Now I try not to get too excited, because I know I sound like a nut-job. But the only time I get anything creative accomplished is when I let myself get lost in my own head. (did I mention I wrote a poem about how much my company pisses me off? :) )

This is not an "I'm gonna" post. I already am changing. I had my tonsils removed in December, and it helped me make a big leap forward in my depression. I am pretty sure I had sleep apnea (It was never officially diagnosed, but they removed the tonsils anyway because I am frequently sick) and I am pleased to say I have noticed far less depression. It was the norm for me to wake up 4-5 times a night, I didn't know I was capable of sleeping the night through. Now that I can, I am a completely different person. I am getting so many little projects done, ones that seemed so big before. I sincerely think I have been living my life half asleep for as long as I can remember. Who knew that tonsils could be so disabling?

Also, I have pulled myself out of my depression by being easy on myself. I got myself in it by pushing myself so hard to be this perfect person, and I had to change my way of motivating myself. I have let myself take it easy, as I emerged from the depression, but I have been in remission for awhile now, and it's time I stop focusing on survival, and frankly, getting a life!

I am so glad I have my stereo set up, so I can be reminded of that "special someone" that I deserve in my life. My old self!

SIDE NOTE, me & T.J. have barely spoken since our tryst. He had a girlfriend with an "open" relationship. I believe him, or I wouldn't have done it. He made her out to sound like a big drug addict, and I shared with him what I know about addicts, that all you can do is support them getting better or leave. He did, but he got defensive about my (perfectly sensitive) response to the news. I tried to open dialogue, but it never went anywhere. He is touring in India now, and based on my Facebook stalking him, I am pretty certian they are back together, or going to be. There are two good things I can say about this. One, he posted something about his religious pilgramage, and how it made him want to be a better person. It makes me feel good to know that he will have more peace in his life, and two...I knew what I was getting into. I knew I wouldn't get what I needed or deserved from him, but I followed my passion, and didn't get (very) hurt. I can even listen to his music now without feeling a pang. It may be because I feel hope he will have a better life. It sucks to see someone being miserable, and have the gut feeling they will remain miserable (because they are a jackass)

UPDATE: After writing this I was taking a shower, and felt this old, familiar feeling...happiness. I know my life will be better when I make these changes. How 'bout that!

Locked out

2009-02-28T20:24:00.000-06:00

I am struck with a sudden case of melancholy. I think it comes from the rings. Every day that I age, all the appealing men that appear to find me attractive are wearing a ring. I don’t feel like I can peacefully wait for my match, because my match is already married, and he just had his second kid. My match is in the process of planning his wedding. My match and his partner just got another dog, and bought a house with a large yard together. These rings feel like a growing chain link fence, made of gold, silver and platinum circles. I am left out, and I feel like I don’t climb to the other side sometime soon, I will be completely shut out.

Of course, the chains on such fences are weak. They have a success rate of 50%, surely I will have an opportunity when these sadly inevitable links break. But what will I be acquiring, someone who has been hurt. Someone a little more jaded about love. Someone who did not successfully hold a marriage together. I may go in with a bright cheerful perspective on what a marriage can be, but I might look into my match’s eyes, and see the reflection of the much darker “reality.”

One thing for sure is I am learning I hold a lot of responsibility for the place I am. I hold men at an aloof distance, not trusting them to be strong or unselfish enough to earn my trust. I assume they will be weak, either to their own Id, or to their fears, and that they will give up in difficult times just like my father, leaving me alone to hold a burden of a life that is only half mine, if I am alone at least my full responsibility is for a life I created with my own judgment, and I am always carrying my own share.

One of the tools I use to keep men at arms length is objectifying them. I see them as sexual objects, and relate to them that way. I don’t relate well with men without some sort of flirtatious or sexual undertones to the relationship. I am a person who, if someone wants to have sex with me, and neither of us is taken, if they are remotely attractive I probably want to, and soon. I have little patience for building sexual tension. I need to get it over with so I can just relax.

Yesterday I decided to reach out to a warm French-Canadian CSA who has been repeatedly flirtatious, in a very gentlemanly way. I wrote my e-mail on a card with a joke to make my intentions less formal and more fun, but when the CSA came down the stairs, it wasn’t him, he worked the prior flight only, and I wont be going back for 2 months, at very least. I casually threw the card away, trying to tell myself “oh well, better luck next time” but I felt more disappointment, the chemistry planets aligned with no planetary rings blocking the electricity, and yet here I am again, alone.

I used to believe that my chubby body was interfering with finding my partner. I know that this is only partially right. My insecurity has no doubt interfered, but the size of my thighs and waist could only turn away the wrong men. I do want someone that I can be active with, but the last thing I want in a man is someone who could be turned off by a few extra pounds. I can’t say I like the look of a gut that sags over a waistband, but if the mental and physical connection is there, the silly gut just becomes a mushy thing to press my body against. If my husband gains weight after working hard to support me and my family, I wouldn’t want him less, and I would hope he wouldn‘t want me less, after I have given birth to 2 of his children.

What is now interfering with me finding someone is anxiety. Wow. That is really it. I am anxious he will cheat. I am anxious he will lean on me too hard. I am anxious he will not be dependable. I am anxious the sex wont keep me satisfied. I am anxious we will be too different. Even if I found someone, the anxiety keeps me from being myself. I can hardly be myself in the regular world, I am “too much” like the flamboyant gay man who had to leave his small town where he can be the big, beautiful queen that he is.

The one-two punch of losing my grandpa, and going through tonsil surgery with no-one to refill my humidifier, has made the chain-link-fence of wedding rings all too obvious to me. I am sincere in being ready to compromise, to be there to support someone else, problem is, I feel the narrow field of candidates gets smaller and smaller, and I don’t know if any of them who are left would even still match me, even if I were given the opportunity to meet each and every one of them.

I feel too weird for the normal people and too normal for the weird people. I want my partner to match me, but I feel too unusual to find a match. I have to be honest in the fact that I am losing hope, or worse, am feeling desperate. I can’t just settle for something that wont last, but I have to learn to stop seeking the perfect match, when the person I am is far too complex to classify as it is. I know this post is dark, but its just expressing the way my heart feels.

Douchebag ruins the night

2009-02-25T22:18:00.003-06:00

I have so much going right in my life, but I spend more time on facebook and sparkpeople that I never blog on here about it. When do I ever write on DC? When it is about sex or depression. Something secret. It creates an awfully one dimensional picture I think.

Here we go again...tonight I went to Mongolian stirfry with Carter and some other pilots & a flight attendant. I was really excited, because in this circle is a pilot who I like, and I am not sure, but could like me, if we spent more time together. He wasn't there. It was looking like a fun night of drinks would be afterwards, but who should show up? That Italian douchebag that I fooled around with to forget about Daniel Shnieder, the married overly-flirtatious man who I had a crush on since elementary school.

I wouldn't have called him a douchebag, except for two things. One, I had said I just wanted to kiss, before anything...but he took all of his clothes off in the blink of an eye. I finally went along with it, and wasn't upset, but now of course I totally regret it. Why? Because he has a big fucking mouth. His friend added me on facebook only a month or so after, and started asking weird questions. I played along with it, but later realized that the fact he was doing this meant that dipshit opened his fucking mouth. I never admitted to anything, except I dropped a hint that *that night* I was interested in someone else. Douchebag was my second choice.

So he showed up, and so I didn't want to go out drinking anymore. But I really did want to, but not if he was going to be there. To make it worse, I am attracted to him, and it makes me want to throw up in my mouth. He is my physical type, black hair, arm hair, & with broad shoulders. And he has a dorky, nervous insecurity which is pretty endearing, sadly.

So now my night has been ruined. I regret that stupid night, though I am so glad that in high school I never made the mistake of fooling around with anyone in a "crowd." If I feel humiliated, as a grown adult, having that be exposed about me, imagine how awful it would be in high school. I had a bad reputation in Jr high, just for developing early, imagine having the reputation but "deserving" it.

Oh well, thats life. I am happy to say that at least my sex drive is under control right now. Even if it was offered to me I don't think I want it. I have been thinking about it, sex without feelings is like food without salt. You can enjoy food without salt for years, but once you have tried food with salt on it, it is bland without it. I might have a tryst with a 23 year old in India next month, but there is an emotional element there. I am not even sure I want to do it. He is 23, and a little brooding. I am not sure how good of company he will be, since when I met him we were instructed to be silent for 3+ days.

So moral of the story? Don't ever go out to dinner? who knows

UPDATE: If you want to visualize what the douchebag is like...imagine "the todd" from scrubs. Oh, I wish I was joking. Dead on.

2009-01-10T23:35:00.001-06:00

I had sex with Toronto Jackass and deleted and blocked him from my facebook, myspace, yahoo & MSN messengers. PUHLEEEZ let me stay strong. He still has my phone number and e-mail address, so I am not completely safe, especially from myself

I don't care if I bond with my family

2008-12-30T19:01:00.003-06:00

The family is talking about politics & Africa, all things I have plenty to say about, but when I spoke up with a very good point about corporal punishment and my uncle who is from out of town just spoke right over me, without a "oh, sorry, what were you saying?"

I just walked off, not dramatically, subtly. Its my own fault, I am smart & talented, but who will know unless I assert it. i just don't care enough. I don't care enough, even if it means not bonding with my family. Even if it means excluding myself to "scan pictures" I just cant take it right now I guess. I am not severely depressed, but I am mildly depressed.

The funeral is tomorrow, I hope the crying will soften me up. I don't know where this anger comes from, but it's there. And screw my uncle for being so dismissive. Yes, he lived with my mom when I was a child, but I am older than my cousins he is having an intelligent conversation with, so fuck him. Sadly, i am going to hold a grudge about what could easily be an ADD type of mistake.

I probably know more about what they are talking about than all but one of them! GRRRRRRRRRRR

Grandpa Died

2008-12-26T21:51:00.003-06:00

I can't write the post now, I guess. I got my wish, both my wishes...I got to be there, and he got to die soon. I was going to drive home, but a voice kept telling me "You know you are too tired to drive- what are you doing? You need to turn around" And I did. I laid in bed, and 2 hours later he was gone.

Grandma was listening. She came and helped him out of his body.

It doesn't matter that I am not Christian, he was a congregationalist minister, he is going to heaven to be with his wife and my mom. I don't believe it, but he did, so I believe it for him. Even if there was no heaven, there would become one, for him. He deserves it.

My Grandpa is Dying

2008-12-25T21:32:00.002-06:00

Last night, Christmas eve, I was wrapping presents alone at my aunt's house in the north of my state, while the rest of the family was at church. The phone rang, but I decided not to answer it, I figured it wouldn't be for me, and if it was, they would call my phone or I could hear them leaving the message.

My aunt came home, and said "grandpa is having trouble breathing." and hugged me hard. We packed into the car, and I cried silently.

When we got there, I wasn't sure of where he was, or how lucid he would be, but I could tell things would be bad when I started hearing loud gurgling sounds like a walrus coming from room 575. I stood outside and hugged the gathered aunts and uncles, and was told grandpa was saying my name. I came in, held his hand. Said hello to him, and that I was sorry that he felt rotten. I told him I loved him, and that if he wanted to die I understand. I sat with him, and held his hand, and at one point realized my 17 year old cousin hadn't had a chance with him. After an hour maybe I decided I wanted to tell him to look after my mom. I knew it might be my last chance. It wasn't.

It happened for hours and hours. Grandpa would doze for 30 seconds, then choke and panic for 2 minutes or so. Someone holding his clenched, bruised hands would be comforting him, telling him he is in the hospital, or that he should look for the angels. Over time, my uncle said something very reasonable "I don't think he is going anywhere yet" he is strong, and his skin is warm and has color. He has pnemonia right now and can't sleep because of it. He is really drugged up, and he had a stroke, so he might have lost some of his logic. Everyone chatted about it and agreed, the nurse had just gotten on her shift, and may have misinterpreted his symptoms as being the end. My aunt set up a schedule where the family sits in 2 hour shifts with him, and all but one of us went home.

I went to my shift this afternoon, Christmas. On the way there, I listened to a Buddhist tape set I bought at a garage sale. Shortly before exiting the car, the tape said "to truly love someone, even when they are suffering, is to simply be present with them." Perfect.

He was so much better than the night before. He was resting for 30 seconds and awake for 30 seconds, and panicking much less. He got a nebulizer treatment, and a new medication, so he seemed better at least, not good, but better. He would hold eye contact with me, and at one point I could very clearly hear him say "I love you so much" which the nurse said she heard too. I reminded him over and over that he didn't need to ask God to take him. I told him he would take him, and all he needs to do is rest. I reminded him that the pain he is in is temporary, and that he will either heal from the pnemonia, or be free from this life, so one way or another, this is temporary.

Now I am in a selfish place. I am proud to say that I am not being so selfish that I want him to live, but I am selfish enough that I want him to live for another week, so I can be there when he dies. How can I want that? He may live. He may live for months. But how can I prefer he lives 6 more days? How can I wish that for him? I really want this to end for him. Soon. I just don't want to be seperate from the family when it happens.

When I left the hospital, I felt really happy and alive. I really felt peaceful and connected to him. he looked deep into my eyes. I swear he said he loved me. I really felt like he understood that his family was by his side, loving him. I really felt that he approved of me. He said it before, even though I am just a flight attendant, he was proud of me. He was proud of my volunteer work. He was proud of me sponsoring an orphan with the money that was supposed to be my Mother's, but he let me have instead. He approved, and now I can show him how much I love him, and he knows.

I suppose I should leave tonight with the expectation he will die this week. Maybe with the hope that he will. I would love it if I could chat with him in 2 weeks and learn how this experience went for him, but even that, could mean that he would have to go through some trauma again. I know how it is to have a flu. I know how it is to be in bed on vicodin, in a daze. I had such an awful night the other week when I had phlegm in my throat and woke up every hour. How could it be waking up every minute?!?!?!?

I should get to packing, I am going to take a 12-2 shift, then driving 3 hours in the dark and dangerous cold. I need to get home for work, so I will do it. I think I can let go of my selfish wish. I can hope this is goodbye. Please let this be goodbye.

A one day love affair

2008-12-17T01:48:00.002-06:00

Ok, so I enjoyed one day of feeling all in love with Toronto Jackass guy. Good for him! He managed to NOT be a jackass- twice!

The next day, I was over his ass. I had written "go to sleep" to him, and he hung up instead of saying "ok, ok" or anything. Perhaps he didn't see my message, that is the most minor of possibilities, and frankly, it wouldn't matter, the spell is broken.

I have online chatted with him twice more this week, and he is just- dumb. He sent me a weird video game, and I sent him a silly link with a dog licking the screen. He said it was ridiculous, I said "and cute." I said "admit it, you giggled." he said "I dont understand people who like to look at pictures of pets." I said "ok, dont admit it, but I know." and his response was "Im going to sleep." and hung up.

Behavior like that is how he got the name "Toronto Jackass Musician" and eventually I got sick of his ass and deleted my windows messenger program. He is not a charming man. He is great looking, and I like his music, but dude does not have a great personality. Its interesting...his EP is titled with a term similar to "I am negative." Appropriate.

I dont know what to do now. I have all these overnights there, and plans to see him, but who even wants to? Sheesh he knows how to make me feel like shit, and I should be immune, because its not like this is the first time!

Oh well, I got to feel ultra-infatuated for one day. It was nice.

Chatted to Jackass Toronto guy

2008-12-14T03:05:00.002-06:00

Yeah. A few weeks ago I sent him an email saying he will never get a girl without ulterior motives if he doesnt act like something besides a jackass (paraphrasing) I decided I was sick of his fucking with my mind, and I was done. Of course I knew I wasn't done. But I did know I wasn't going to contact him again. The ball was in his court, and I have given him enough chances. He needed to contact me. Period.

He did. And better, we actually chatted. I suppose we used to chat back in the day, but I got so sick of him hanging up without saying he was leaving, that I removed windows messenger from my computer 100%

I cant remember what happened next- oh yeah. He put my name in a song. I hate to be cliche, but it softened me up.

Fast forward, he finally acted 10% normal and had a conversation with me, saying he wanted more than just to sleep with me. I was willing to go for it, as in try to get to know him better- but he would barely give me the time of day. I realize he was finishing his album, but I am a patient person, he blew it. I decided to send him a letter, to maybe help him with future girls, and to kind of write it in stone for myself that I was fed up. You know? Like to draw an end line.

But again, I knew it wasn't an end line yet. I felt it coming, but some dumb thing in me wasn't done with it just yet. I actually was doing well, not even thinking of him, but then an update on the album showed up on facebook, and I swear to bob, I LOVE his music (myspace was how we "met") and I do want to buy the album, even if he never knows or if we never speak.

And yes, I was sending psychic messages to him to write me. Ha ha. But yeah, he finally did. And finally acted "normal" (in quotes for a reason) and now I feel like I am in fucking love.

You know what...I am going for it. I can tell it might be a mistake, but I feel something. I think I operate on logic a little too much in the relationship game. I find a flaw, and I say "I couldnt marry him." I think I need a boyfriend, not a fiance. It's a dangerous game to let yourself fall for someone who may not last the whole nine yards, but I am doing something wrong in my life, so I think I need to try new things.

More updates as they come.

Dayum

Dear Facebook Friend

2008-12-13T22:58:00.002-06:00

When playing stupid, useless, facebook games, and the quiz asks you if you think your friend is happy, you say YES! It's not ANONYMOUS! Now I have to walk around knowing you don't think I am happy! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? SAYING I'M NOT HAPPY!

I AM VERY FUCKING HAPPY DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Note to self...

2008-12-13T18:45:00.003-06:00

A woman as boy crazy as me should really make it a priority to get in shape.

My lord. The world is full of sexy, SEXAY men. I mean, come on. I don't have to partake, but if I get & maintain a great body, I have the availability of many, many men until I take the plunge and get married, and I am sure after our inevitable divorce ;)

You know, quite honestly, weight gain saved me a little. I used to be a little out of control. It's hard to resist temptation, especially when it involves people you work with, people you care about (or hate) and any other inappropriate people who might look appealing during lonely/boring/drunk/convenient times.

Im a big girl now though. I am smart & strong enough to resist temptation. Its time to get back into comfortable skin! 4 days and I can start working out again!

Knowledge

2008-12-12T02:58:00.004-06:00

I am up at 3AM, wearing a tight red t-shirt that says "knowledge" but might as well as say "knockers" and was listening to the music of the mind-fucker in Toronto. I was shaking my head, feeling unsatisfied, and not sure why. Is it my job? My love life? If something needs to change, how should I change it?

What about men? What the hell. I see the ads on the side of facebook with a hot guy that I know is supposed to lure me to the site, and I think they all look like they are asses. I look at pictures of fat, lonely guys, and I think they look like clingy bloodsuckers. I am not coming from a positive, open place when it comes to men.

I thought about the Toronto man, and how annoyed by his mind-fucking I have been. Fortunately, he has hardly been on my mind at all for ages. He IMmed me one day, and everything was really clear communication. He said he thought I was mean, and really seemed to come out and say that he "likes" me, not just wants to sleep with me. I was open to it, really. I want someone in my life (maybe) and he is great looking and creative. But shortly after, I was IMing with him (barely) and suggested he call me. He didn't, nor did he suggest I call him. I soon made an excuse and signed out. Soon after I wrote him a really constructive letter, saying no girl would want him if he acted that way unless they had ulterior motives. I wont contact him again. Sadly, I am sure he will contact me again, and the tiring, endless, useless game will go on.

In the end, I sense he likes a little drama. Keeps the artistic juices flowing. It isn't me he likes, but the idea he has created with the little snippits of me he has seen, and if he were to actually make an effort it would A) require effort and B) reveal that I am actually a bit stable, and in turn=boring. I admit it. I dont have to be boring just to be stable, but I am both.

I thought about it- DAMN, I am 31. I am with it, damn it. I am a fucking ADULT. I am too old for crap. I have a new suggestion: if you are a woman over 30 and not a dumb ass. Stop looking. You had your chance to get married when you were young and impressionable. Once you have a vision in your head of how the world is, and how you want your life to be, you are too smart to fantasize into believing a anyone will give you what you need from a relationship.

CASE IN POINT: I thought about my mom. She had me when she was 25, so at 31, I was 6. I thought of what her life must have been like when she was my age, then I remembered, she knows plenty about dumb-ass men. She married my dad. I am happy to say I remember one example of a good boyfriend (who is now a state congressman- a good one! and has been for years) but she knows as much as I do about rediculous men. Well, almost as much. I got to see what happens when you die, and your child is left to be raised by one.

I really realized after having my tonsils removed, I am really lonely. I would love to have a family, or at least someone to give a shit about me when I had surgery. My dad really sucked at taking care of me. I asked him to be in charge of my medicine. Not surprisingly, I did that, despite being completely out of it from anesthesia. I sent him a link about the stages of my recovery to print for my grandma, I doubt he even read it. I even filled my own humidifier, even though I wasnt supposed to be bending. It hurt. I was dumb enough to think I would be taken care of this week. What a dummy. I am home now, and my roommate is a sweetheart, who certianly cares, but I am good enough now to look after myself. My friends offered to drop in, but I was in the suburbs when they did. I will see them in a few days, but I just would have loved to have a parent on those first few days. I wasn't helpless, damn it I am never helpless. I just wished I could have been. Just rested, let someone else do the thinking for that one day when my body was sliced open.

Speaking of...crying usually feels good. I treasure it when it comes, but right now, it hurts. It is stretching out my throat. I dont know if I should try to stop, or just put up with the pain in my throat.

Even when I do find someone, I need to get closer to my friends again. I have just become to shy with myself. I only want to see people when I have it together, when I'm not crabby or dense or mopey or exausted. I loved being in India with all of those people living together. You annoyed? Well too bad, you are surrounded by people, so get over your mood or we will make it worse. And what happens? You eventually forget what you are annoyed about (some of the time) and you arent alone.

This post wasnt supposed to be about my dad, but it is going there. What am I supposed to do with him when he ages? I can't fucking stand him. For some time I thought I would take care of him, but how? Hes so negative and bitchy. Hes so- stupid (and stubborn about it.) Aha! And I just figured something out...he probably thinks he is smarter than everyone, which makes him even more useless. "Common sense" is for commoners, right?

Uh. OK, that was a pretty good cry for a girl with part of her throat missing. Enough of this.

Sad not to have my ma. It would be good to have her on nights like these.

Oh...and can a person get vicodin withdrawl after only 11 days?

A provacative dream

2008-11-27T01:18:00.002-06:00

Last night I dreamed I was a combination of myself, and "Fergie" from the Black Eyed Peas. I was an actor in a film, and I was fired, for a small thing, but a reasonable thing considering the scale of the film. In the dream I realized that acting is what I really wanted to do, it was where I was meant to be.

Now stop fucking laughing at me! When I say "acting is where I was meant to be" it doesn't mean "I was meant to be a star" I think my dream was about the creative part of me that needs desperately to be let out, I have an artistic mind, and I am quite talented at music (pitch & a pretty voice [to my ear anyway.]) I do write pieces of songs, and come up with art "installations" (no, don't ask me about the one with the latex dildos with faces on them.) I have this in me, why hasn't it come out?

That's easy. When my mom died, and dad was drinking, it was all survival for me. Art represented my dad, the guy who couldn't keep it together, I looked at the men in suits or polo shirts & khakis, thinking "those guys seem to have it together, I need to be like them." Let's face it- accounting offers security, medical careers offer security, singing and drawing don't.

Also, when my brain is stimulated, especially when I was younger, my mind would go crazy. If I read an article about astronomy that interested me, I would think of how much there is to know about space and the universe, and I would think I should learn about all of that stuff, and I would get so overwhelmed that once I started an interesting article I ought to put it down.

Music is the perfect example of me going nutso. The chances of me being a gifted astronomer would be small. I am smart, but not as smart as the people who study that regularly. Much of it would go over my head. But I was raised with music and art all around me. My brain is structured for music and arts, so if I put in the time, I could actually be good! I am not saying I would ever perform in front of strangers, but to just create some music that I like, and to sing and play guitar with my family, perhaps keeping the tradition going, could actually happen.

I just saw the movie "Once" tonight, which is what sparked my memory of the dream. The process of the two of them collaborating made me want to stand up and pace. There is so much in life I need to do! I guess now that the depression has lifted, I am back to the old, anxious girl, overwhelmed by her potential, so remaining instead on her bed, with her computer, reading Dlisted.

And the acting dream brings up memories so far back I barely remembered them. When I was young I put on shows. I loved reciting plays from textbooks on tape recorders. I put on impromptou plays, and I remember deciding one day in my elementary school yard that I would put on a show of the Wizard of Oz. The planning lasted 2 days at least. I was into it. It was going to happen.

I think Jr. High, coincidentally when my dad started drinking, is when the wind left my sails. The teasing finally got through, self-conciousness prevailed. The girl who was a leader and a performer learned to hold her head down. They teased me in elementary, but that didn't stop me I guess. I guess what stopped me was no longer having the ultimate ally, a parent, cheering me on.

Writing this brings me back there to that apartment when he started drinking. It was such an innocent time for me. The time I was still trusting, still- "me." The time when I still believed some of my life would be the same. I had no idea what the years ahead of me would be like. I had no idea that the person I was would dizzolve. I had no idea that Jr high, & high school would be all about fear, terror really. I saw my life go from a decent one, and for things to slip away, and get progressively worse. My innocent mind could only guess that it would only get worse, and that I was doomed to a life of torture and pain. I am so glad suicide didn't enter my mind until I was 18.

I guess that is just why these feelings are popping up now. As I am on the path of getting healthier and healthier, I have to re-learn who I actually am. I am not a yuppie. The yuppie goal was not one I chose because it fit me. I chose it out of fear that there was no other path for my life that could keep me safe. Now that I know I am safe and responsible, I can use some of my time to explore art more, which can free this creativity which is probably causing me anxiety, because I won't set it free.

It's time to stop being so damn "safe."

Explain, please.

2008-11-11T15:10:00.001-06:00

Does somebody want to tell me why I am looking at Craigslist "missed connections" when I have been in bed with the flu the last 3 days?

The best new weight loss plan: the flu

2008-11-09T20:59:00.002-06:00

I was supposed to be at work today, instead I laid in bed, unable to breathe, and hardly sleeping. I went to Jane's house with her 3 year old daughter and 9 month old twins, and my Carrie's 6 month old. It was so much fun! I remember 2 years ago when they told me they were pregant at the same time. I had just broken up with Charles and the news couldn't have brought me down more, but this time it was just fun.

Well we spent the night at Jane's house, but when I woke up I didn't feel well at all. I was supposed to go to a cheesy jewelry party, but I wanted to go because it was with old friends I havent seen for ages. But I couldn't even stay awake in the car ride home! (no, I wasn't driving) And when I got home I was in bed until, well, I am still in bed.

Anyhoo, I lost 2 pounds from not eating anything! yay

Di Crabtree, back in the gutter in record time

2008-11-07T08:23:00.003-06:00

When depression reared its ugly head a week or so ago, I felt a renewed spirit to write, and wondered if "Diana Crabtree" would return to it's mental health oriented roots, but overnight, I have gone from a post about love, and loneliness, back to the theme that dominated "Diana Crabtree" for so many years- ACTION!

I got bangs, and I think I look damn cute. Its time for change America! I am happy to say I am verified "Lice Free" from my infestation from the children's home in India (did I ever write that story on here?) and that is quite a relief. After my haircut I went to some airline friends' house, and had drinks and played board games. Two male pilots were there, a man from New Zealand (you know how I am a sucker for accents) and a sort of douchebaggy, but nice pilot I have flown with before.

I ended up drinking an entire bottle of wine. How did I do that? Wine is weird. I drink it, but don't notice I am getting drunk until I am already drunk. Even then I can't tell as much. Well I came on to this kiwi pilot like gangbusters. He was Buddhist and left wing, but kind of condecending about it. I was excited to meet a Buddhist in my city, because I want to find a sangha, but he proceeded to explain Buddhism and the world to me, which was annoying and boring, but I didn't care, because I would have made out with him even if he was a gun enthusiast, the way I saw it, if he passes, I will go for the douchebag, who I assumed was a sure thing, and, he was.

We were supposed to just make out, but he took all his clothes off in like, zero to sixty in 4.2 seconds, and eventually I obliged his silly hopes. There was no sex, but things were fully inappropriate, and I feel just fine about it. I am hurting. I feel lonely in my life right now, and having my childhood crush be so flirtatious and unavailable was really hard for me to deal with. I just felt like I deserved a good makeout session. Maybe I do deserve sex (yes I do) but not in my friends' living room.

The douchebag was the perfect victim for my mojo-recharging lust. He is not an actual douchebag, he is a dork, really. He is a nice guy, and yet not very crushable. My only regret is he is Italian, yet has removed all the hair from his chest and privates. What the hell is up with that? My lust for the Mediteranian, Middle Eastern & South Asian men is not for their abnoxious patriarchy, it is for their lucious dark chest and arm hair. The room was dark anyway, but I made sure to mock him for it anyway.

So now I am home. I left the apartment at 6AM. It started snowing and visibility was so bad I pulled into a community college parking lot and took a nap. I am glad I left, I was not sleeping well, and it just feels right to leave the scene of the crime. I feel confident that he will be a gentleman about it and not tell anyone. Again, he is only douchebaggy by appearance, inside he is a nice, but goofy guy. I am quite grateful for the favor of letting me take out my sexual frustration on him, I am sure it was quite the sacrifice.

Its called a crush because it hurts

2008-11-05T20:48:00.003-06:00

I couldn't write this yesterday, yesterday wasn't about me, it was about Obama. What a wonderful day. My heart wasn't heavy yesterday, but it is now.

When I was a child, there was a boy named Daniel Schneider. He was a nice boy, friend of a friend, younger brother of my friend's big brother. Sort of in the periphery of my childhood life. I had a childish sort of crush on him, not like I wrote "Diana Schneider" on my notebooks, I just noticed him, and he became sort of a template in my mind, a nice, smart, good boy.

I went to a different Jr. High than him, then we went to the same high school. He symbolized, a bit to me, the old world I lived in before my mom died, while I was still innocent, and relatively happy. When I went to Jr. High my grades slipped, I became a "bad" girl, and boys like Dan seemed so distant to me. They would never like me. Different social classes. He was a "smart" boy, I was "stupid" (too anxious to focus on a schoolbook) and that was that. I remember once talking to him, and asking about Bosnia. Weird. He didn't remember me from high school apparently, but I did not bring that memory up, because I am embarrassed to have been so casual in talking about Bosnia, where people suffered so much.

So I had added him as a friend on facebook months ago, and of course I facebook stalked him a bit, looking at his pics, seeing how he looks now, and left it at that. He would regularly update his status, but thats all the "communication" that took place. Well one day he left a comment on a status update saying "I know why this rep is so scary looking, her face doesn't move" He mentioned he would be doing door knocking for her competitor, and I mentioned he should call me when a group does that, because the Dem. office never called me, and I have offered to volunteer TONS.

He did contact me, and he suggested we carpool. I was nervous, but the second I got in the car it was just warm and friendly. It was just me and him, and everything was calm and relaxed immediately. It started with a touch on the arm, which is a nice way for people to connect, but it didn't take long for me to sense that the attraction I felt was mutual, which I took as quite a compliment. We went to the office and got our instructions, and went out into the field to start knocking on doors.

We spent 5 hours together, talking, laughing, it was great! Basically it was like an awesome date. But you see, this was no date. He is married. He has a young son, and a baby on the way. I'm not a bad person, I know it means he is off limits, but the crush was deep. To make it worse, he touched me...a lot. He touched my arm, he let his arm rest against mine. He touched my knee, he put his hand on mine, he even put his arm around me! I was fully aware that this was inappropriate, but my dream boy- no, not just my dream boy, the boy who became the template of what sort of image I would like a boy to be like, was touching me! I loved it! I did try to subtly move away, like by talking with my hands so he wasnt touching me anymore, but I am sure I sent non-verbal cues back to him. I couldn't get myself to say out loud "um, you are touching me an awful lot."

The lamest time was at a gas station, where there was some sort of "get the gasoline smell off your hands goo" that he put on his hands. It smelled like wintergreen, and I said it smelled good, like wint-o-green lifesavers. He got out of the car, got some of the goo, and rubbed it on my hands. Quite transparent. I told him how when you bite a wintergreen lifesaver in the dark it sparks, and he said something like "we can check it out..." and I am like "eh...no, I have seen that before, you should show your son that." *eyes rolling*

At the end we got some lunch, and we chatted. I learned that Mr. perfect's dad was an alcoholic too. It goes to show you cant judge a book by its cover. He drove me back to my car, and fortunately, he did not seem to want to linger for long after. I am glad. I had thought about it in my head, and actually thought "if he kisses me I will let him, THEN I will tell him it's not right, and then stop. How much worse is the actual kiss than the attempt? Not much." I feel guilty for the thought, though I realize it did NOT happen, and so I don't know what I would actually do if it did.

I drove straight home, and made my decision between chemistry.com, and the toy. I grabbed my credit card, and went out and got myself a new boyfriend. I named him Daniel. Daniel is not that great in bed, unfortunately. But, I already committed, I can't return him after I used him!

Fortunately he hasn't written the normal follow up "yeah Obama won! Thanks to us, go team!" he is ignoring me and I am ignoring him. Maybe he also realized how inappropriate things were. But the problem is, just because my brain knows it's good we aren't speaking, my heart doesn't get it. All my heart can understand is I spent the day with a boy I like, and he liked me. My heart feels pain to know I can't talk to him, see him again. It feels like another breakup.

I am also sick and fucking tired of this pattern of "clicking" or whatever with married and attached guys. Just a week or two ago I had this captain who looked like Tobie Maguire. I thought something was there, then "zing" I learn he is engaged. Then there is my beloved Dutch pilot. He is 47 and I totally have the hots for him. We sat and chatted, and the chemistry is unmistakeable. One of the things we chatted about is the daughter he is soon to adopt, as soon as the paperwork is finished. Then howabout the men I knew before they were married? Marathon Man and I cant remember the name I invented for him, but the bicycle man (who keeps inviting me to ride on his motorcycle- um, awkward!)

I don't want someone elses man! I can't even have a fantasy about them, because there is always a hurt woman, sometimes with a child, in the way of my turn-on. I chatted with a friend (another attached crush) who pointed out it could be fear of commitment. But you know what? It's not! I really want to find a partner, and its not working! My heart can only take so much! Mike and Jimmy were such a one, two punch, that I can't fathom putting myself out there again, and then we have these 2 guys, the captain & Dan, sending me the signals, making me feel brave enough to come forward, but I cant answer those signals! They are off limits. Well I am sick of off limits men!!!

Hmm, maybe it is not ME thats attracting them, its me thats attracted TO them, because they arent trying to get me, so I like them. Isn't that why women like gay guys so much? I don't know. If I am sitting and thinking about this so much, maybe it is time to go looking for someone. I dont know. Until then, I have my new friend who is mine and mine alone.

...oh, and to add to the list of attached men...Jackass Toronto Musician who put my name in a song. We arent talking now because he is a Jackass, and I think he is probably single now, (because he is a jackass) but for ages he has flirted with me, even though he had a girlfriend, and they had an "arrangement" good for them, still nothing worthwhile for me

The boy I have a crush on...

2008-11-04T22:48:00.002-06:00

...IS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No tears yet, I am tired from door knocking. Pray for him, every day. Poor guy! Lost his grandma. She never got to see it. :(

...BARACK OBAMA IS PRESIDENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Better buy? Chemistry.com or sex toy?

2008-11-03T22:35:00.003-06:00

I took the test on Chemistry.com to see what kind of matches it would generate for me. So far it has been a failure in the ones they created for me, because a large percentage of them have been conservative. I thought that my profile was de-activated, but that must have changed when I updated my profile, because suddenly I am getting all of these e-mails "so and so is interested in you."

This is much better for my ego than the other dating sites I have been at, but I cant see who these guys are, because I have to pay first! It costs $50 for one month $90 for three months, and who the hell knows what it is for 6 months. Too much. In a way I can appreciate the idea of it costing alot, it weeds out the unemployed weed smokers, but I don't want to pay that much and find out they are all conservatives, or even if they aren't, I'm just not sure I want to date anyone right now, but I do want nooky.

So what's a girl to do? Well, I have spent the last few hours looking at sex toys. I have a lovely realistic dildo and a fantastic vibrator, a $12.50 conair massager that has lasted me 5 years. I love it, but I miss the easiness of the rabbit vibrator I once had, and broke. You just "get comfortable" turn it on, and it does all the work. It's more like a man, you just lay back and get lost in the moment.

I am searching and searching for the perfect one (toy, not man.) It has to be made of silicone (healthier for your body & less likely to break) and I want it to be sort of skinny, since I havent had sex for almost a year, and I want it to feel good, not hurt. I have found a few that seem good (hard to find a skinny rotating one, which is interesting) and the price? Around $80, almost the same price as Chemistry.com.

I am serious when I say I don't know which to pick. A real man could possibly be better than a sex toy. Oh, I am damn serious when I say could possibly, not for sure. A real man has the possibility attached to him that one of us can get sappy and fall for the other, which is great when it happens to both people, but in my experience it seems to only happen to one or the other. A real man requires socializing and hair and makeup doing and shit like that. A real man can last too long, or not long enough, OH! and a vibrator will give me orgasms.

I am leaning towards vibrators. I really have lost interest in men. Fuck them. I have dated so much the last 2 years, and when I think about it, there are a few of those relationships I never got over, namely Alan, Mike, and Jimmy. Did I tell you Jimmy wanted me after him and his Office Max girl broke up? What a flattering offer, to be the second choice & backup plan. So romantic. Mike dumping me really ended it for me. I really let myself fall for him, and that was a big mistake. I should have been more cautious, but I WAS very cautious. He sent me every cue that he liked me too. He looked at my myspace daily (for months after it was over too) and seemed really attracted to me. He had sex issues obviously.

And Alan, who seemed to be falling for me until the evening I told him I like sex alot. It was in a moment when he had confessed to me that he used to do lots of drugs, and I felt this desire to help him feel less vulnerable by being vulnerable myself. That threw me for a loop, from that moment on I could see the wheels turning in him, searching desperately for something wrong with me. It would have been great if he had told me he didnt want to be serious when I brought it up, pretty much giving him an out, but I suppose standing someone up on valentine's day is another way to do it.

There is also a man in India. He is the brother of the pastor who runs the children's home, and to date someone else prevents that from ever working out. I fell so in love with the kids in the children's home, and with his family. I don't know how I could make it work, but dating someone new would kill that opportunity.

I think I am leaning towards sex toy. It will be hard for me to feel comfortable spending that much money, though I deserve it, and I think its a good investment in my health. Orgasms are great for stress and I think if I had enough pleasure sexually, I would be less likely to go out looking for it, or appearing too "eager."

So now I just have to pick the perfect model...

Hey! Where's my parade?

2008-11-02T21:12:00.002-06:00

I feel proud of myself, I went to workout tonight. I don't think I mentioned it here, but I am in a study about breast cancer, where I am supposed to exercise 5 days a week and let them take my blood and stuff. I was doing very, very well until this week, where I drank 3 out of 7 nights. Not only did I drink 3 out of 7 nights I got my work schedule wrong and had to go to work on a day I thought I had off. I only had 2 workouts in for the week, and I had given up, deciding I would just start a new week fresh tomorrow.

But then I saw it. I was finding TV online and I learned that "The Pickup Artist" had a second season. I absolutely loved the first season, so I was excited, but when I turned it on, there were beautiful young girls in a swimming pool. On Halloween I didn't feel I met an acceptable quota of men flirting with me, or glances, and I am at a very high weight, and feeling a bit old. Seeing those girls reminded me of what needs to be done. I started gathering my stuff and left for the gym.

I only had time to get 1 & 1/2 workouts in, so I settled for one. I felt tired, and it was late, I didn't know if half a workout would count, so I am just calling it a loss and came home to rest, to have a good week, perhaps with 7 workouts instead, to make up for this week.

I got home, expecting a parade, including guys wearing fezs, driving tiny little cars, but no such luck. The only reward I get is knowing I gave up, but changed my mind, and decided I deserve better, and worked out. I suppose thats good enough. Though I like those little cars.

I'd rather clean my room then sleep

2008-11-02T01:30:00.003-05:00

I can't decide if it is a blessing or a curse that I have neighbors with a child downstairs. I feel this strong desire NOT to go to sleep, and I am in that awesome, motivated mood that can produce miracles of productivity, too bad it's 1:32 in the morning, and productivity like that can earn me an enemy in my sleeping downstairs neighbors.

My sleeping schedule is all out of whack, because of a fun, but very drinky week. I flew with a very cute Tobey Maguire-lookalike captain, and a beautiful, and surprisingly awesome 24 year old first officer. Nights 1 & 2 of the trip both had long layovers, where we went to a smoky dive bar BOTH NIGHTS, then on night 3 we had very short layover, and yesterday was day 4, and halloween, which involved beer, and another late night.

I don't even know how late I slept today to be honest, but it must have been late, because I didn't have too much of a hangover. I had to finish the vital task of filling out a background check for Linda, and I delivered it to the post office to try to assuage my guilt for taking so long to fill it out. I stopped at a few stores and came home a few hours later. It wasn't until Saturday Night Live came on that I finally started to get some cleaning done. What I did between those times is anybody's guess. What DID I do????

I am fortunate that I can sleep in as long as I want tomorrow, and it wont interfere with my schedule, but I need to get myself back to a normal-person wake up time (or at least closer to 10 than to 1PM!!!!) The depression that popped up last week seems to have gone away with my period, but I can see the consequences of not keeping my body healthy, and I really, REALLY don't want to let myself slide back into a depression! It has been "gone" a long time, but not long enough for me to be confident that I won't end up glued to by bed, with unbrushed teeth and unwashed hair, feeling no motivation to live, or feel any hope that tomorrow might be better. To try to put into words what depression feels like is difficult for me. It has been so long that I can't remember the torture, and honestly, I have no desire to think about the memories enough to do a good job. If I want to remember how it feels, I guess I can just read from the first few years of my blog. This week long, minor depression, is a good reminder that I have to take care of my health, so I dont have to remember it personally.

Writing this post (or maybe the time passing to write this post) has helped me feel sleepy. I feel proud of what I have gotten done today, even if it wasn't much. The background check is sent, the rent is paid, the sunblocking window shades have been sewn to be used on the outside of my car. I rearranged some of the plants in my fishtank & poured out some old water. I bought some fancy co-op shampoo & chatted with a friend, and got some of my room cleaned. When I write it all down I have gotten more done than some days off I have, so I should recognize that point instead of wishing I had done more. Tomorrow I can hope to match todays productivity, and hope for a little more.

The depression is back

2008-11-01T15:31:00.002-05:00

Hey folks? Miss Diana? I missed her too. Not sure why I couldn't write. Not that it matters, but it is my diary, so I haven't made any promises. Still, I owe myself to have this record of my life. Oh well.

Last night I dressed up at a witch and went to a bar that I used to go to when I was younger. It was a amazing. The creativity of the costumes was amazing, and I felt so strongly that I was with "my people." The best part, was I was standing on the balcony in the corner with my friends blocking the view of me, so I danced my ass off. I am sincere when I say I would be a go-go dancer if I was offered the job. I dont really think of it as degrading, the goal of it is to create an atmosphere that gets you in the mood to dance. I have only seen a few go-go dancers in my life, so maybe my perception of what it is is skewed, but when I was in germany, I jumped on a speaker and started dancing, and my friend told me the energy of the people dancing went up when I did. I had a great time dancing like crazy up there, with no one to see me, thinking I am showing off, or trying to rub their penis on my butt.

You know, worrying about having penises rubbed on my butt didn't seem to be a problem. All these awesome, creative boys around me, no one tried to talk to me. Maybe it was because I was in a corner, surrounded by my friends most of the time, maybe it was because there were an equal amount of creative & cute girls there. One thing I wonder, is if I looked old to the people there. To me they looked my age, but I don't know if I am accepting myself as 31 yet. I cant help but think few people there were my age, because they were home with their damn spouses and children.

Anyway, being there I noticed, yes, I am indeed depressed. I have been for a week. Its mild, but real. Also, this week, I have been taking terrible care of my health. I have drank 4 out of 7 days, eating crap (or nearly nothing) and not getting enough water. When I drank about 16 oz of water I immediately noticed I had more energy. I also have had PMS and the time of the month, so I look forward to taking better care of myself and getting my less crazy hormones back.

With my depression in remission, the only secrets left in my life have been my love/sex life, so my blog has probably not been very constructive for the readers. But I need the rest/transition from having my identity be all about my disease. I am a person who has depression, not a "depressive." It has been an awesome feeling to become Diana again, not the woman struggling to claw her way out of the depression, to desire to live again. Too bad I had to discover that the real Diana is so damn narcissistic ;)

I am helping Cancer!

2008-09-24T10:19:00.000-05:00

…Wait, that didn't come out right. I meant I am helping cancer researchers, and I am so excited! I am participating in a study called XXXXX. It involves studying the effects of exercise on hormones related to breast cancer, genetic markers, and fat percentages. They take measurements, have you exercise 5 days a week, then they take further measurements. Of course there is a control group. The control group doesn't exercise. I suppose I shouldn't complain if I get put in the control group, since I haven't exercised much since the running clinics ended, but I have felt very motivated to get my health back on track, since I am becoming more tired since putting on weight and returning to a sedentary lifestyle.

So here is what happens if I get in the exercise group… I am required to workout 5 days a week, and I get to see a trainer once a week to adjust my workout and assist in motivation! On top of that I get a free Y membership during the study! This of course is what motivated me to join, but something else has grown in me since I started thinking about it. I am actually going to help fight cancer, and help the scientific process, which has always been important to me.

This morning I was listening to NPR, and heard about new methods of funding disease research. When listening, as happens most of the time when hearing stories about diseases, I get this feeling in my gut that I wish I could do something. I can't explain how nice it is to know that I am! What is especially heartening is the requirements for the study are you have to be 20-30, never had a child, not be on the pill, and be able to commit to the parameters of the study. I was 30 when I signed on to the study, so I am one of the rare people who actually meets that criteria!

I don't have a personal relationship with Breast Cancer. My Great Grandmother died of it I think, and my mother died from an accident, too young for me to know if she could have gotten it. But having lost a mother, if I can help prevent people in the future from losing their mothers prematurely, that is close enough to my heart to be worth it.

If you are a woman 20-30 who has never had children, you should consider signing up for the study. I know you can't be on the pill, but you can ask the people in the study, you may be able to join the study after going off of the pill. Even if you can't join it yourself, if you know young women in the twin cities who meet the requirements, let them know. You can add WISER as a friend, as well as join the group. The person participating in the study gets $300 too, whether they are in the exercise group or not.

WHAT'S THE SCAM?????????????

2008-09-01T01:18:00.003-05:00

You must concede I live an interesting life. Not a glamorous life, not an enviable life, but an interesting one. The way I keep my life interesting is by being open. I am a cynic, and a skeptic, but I still believe that *maybe* this person in front of me is telling me the truth. Why discount someone before you have the evidence, why not start with giving them the benefit of the doubt, and work from there?

Today, at a Holiday in in Oklahoma, a young, good looking man said something to me when I was walking from the computer room to the restroom, I did a double take, thinking he was with my company, then kept walking. On the way out I saw him at the end of the hall and said "I thought you worked for my company" He said "you're a flight attendant?" and I said yes "and he said something about most flight attendants being old and decrepid. I just shook my head and went back in the room.

From a distance he was cute, but close up he just looked like a janitor or something. He was wearing hip-hoppish clothes, so he couldnt be a janitor, but who knows. I was just thinking "well, he is a dumb ass, but I appreciate getting the attention, because a chub like me doesnt get it as much as I would like"

He ended up coming in the room and talking to me. He claimed he owned a record company. (he was like, 24) He offered me a job working on a private jet. He said he just fired his last F/A for selling drugs. He hit on me like crazy too, which was like sexual harrassment cases begging to be filed, but, again, what if it was true? Better to pretend to believe him now and maybe get a good paying job than to write him off right away, be wrong, and miss out on a good opportunity.

I am a cynic, and a skeptic, but I will be honest, he was a good liar. Not only did he have me going, I still believe him now! Is it because I hold so tightly to that dream that one day I will be "discovered" and be offered some cushy job (well I was told I had "something special" about me by a casting agent- too bad it was from NYNDM (new york name dropper man, see 2005) ) Is it that my fantasy is so ingrained in my head that I will believe total bullshit to validate this?

Why do I want to call so much tomorrow? I checked the number he gave me, it was a land-line in Iowa. STILL! I want to know WHAT THE SCAM IS!!! Why was he so convincing? What was his goal?

I have learned that a fractional jet company I have thought of applying at is hiring. It feels like this cute little guy with the saggy pants was put in my life to get me to apply. I got so excited with the idea of working around big shots, (while keeping my cool- of course) so if that is what I want, the fractional company would give it to me! But the job wont be mine without a resume!

Still, tomorrow, while I am not calling the guy, I am going to be wanting to SO BAD 'cuz---whats the scam???

AN AFTERTHOUGHT: I know now, I am not a whore. When I was seriously entertaining the idea that this clown could be for real, I stood firm in my mind that I would not sleep with anyone, even for a job making 90K a year. But. Just because I am not a whore, does not mean I am not a hoochie. I learned about myself that, if offered $90,000 with benefits, I would wear any rediculous uniform, as long as I wasnt naked. I guess a persons true colors come out when money is involved ;)

I was in India

2008-08-22T01:11:00.002-05:00

Hey yall!

I was in India.

So without a month of writing, I wonder how many readers I lost? I know that the blog is my diary, and readers are only observers, but I feel like I let people down when I don't post.

It was a great trip, I did a meditation course and volunteered at a childrens home.

I got diarrhea, headlice and a yeast infection on my lips.

Tomorrow I go back to work.

Hope everyone is well

Sleeping is Rad

2008-07-18T10:32:00.001-05:00

I slept. Nearly 7 hours. I feel so amazing, so...HAPPY!

Well, here I go...I am hopping in the shower, throwing on some makeup, and then hopefully packing and leaving. I can't believe this is happening!!!

Wish me luck!

I might go to India tomorrow

2008-07-18T02:58:00.003-05:00

Yeah, I am supposed to go to India. I was supposed to go yesterday, because I am just insane enough to think I could pull it all together in time, but fortunately I couldnt find my immunization card, which I believed to be mandatory, so that little yellow card saved me from my ambition.

I didnt sleep at all last night, and today I took a 4 hour nap, then stayed up until now (3 am) and I have decided to sleep, because I am losing my mental capacity.

I have it all layed out on the table in the living room, so hopefully I'm not missing anything. I still have a few things to do, but I have just decided to turn in, because I am lacking in the energy, mental or physical to keep it all together.

On that note, I ought to turn this thing off so I can actually sleep (I just bought a futon, and am giving away my bed frame that I have had over 10 years!) <----kind of sad actually!

Namaste!

My difficult life (An e-mail I just sent my friends)

2008-07-09T00:30:00.003-05:00

Hey Emma and Jennifer,

I wrote down my itinerary, involving Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, and it looks like this:

MY CITY-Amsterdam
Amsterdam-Delhi
Delhi-Mumbai
Mumbai-Nairobi
Niarobi-Entebbe
Entebbe-Masaka
Masaka-Lyantonde
Lyantonde-Entebbe
Entebbe-London
London-Detroit
Detroit-MY CITY

It took seeing it on paper to see what an insane idea of doing both India and Uganda in one month is. It seemed much less insane when I imagined India being where Saudi Arabia is, but even if it was there, this would be insane, especially for someone flying standby. So now I need to figure out where the hell I should go.

Pros India
I already have the visa
I have never been to Asia
I have always wanted to go to India

Pros Uganda
I have a once in a life time opportunity (well)
I could see Hufiz
I know a few people, so I could have places to go
I could go to Kenya and see Charles
I have a travel companion (my friend Maria's son)
I already have books/balls/etc for the Ugandan school & gifts for Hufiz
If I cant get on the flights I want, I wont be ruining someone else's trip.

Right now it's pretty much even. I am leaning Uganda because the opportunity to be a part of installing a well doesnt show up every day, especially for someone outside the Aid field. But, on the other hand, I have always wanted to go to India, and the idea of not going, after I have gotten my hopes so high (and the visa) would really bum me out.

I guess the deciding factor is if the well plans can be coordinated.

I am so sad, which is dumb. There are people with real problems in this world (hmmm, in India and Uganda to name a few) and I am feeling so sorry for myself that I cant do both. Dumb.

My neglected adolecence

2008-07-08T13:55:00.002-05:00

My dad never beat me. My dad never sexually abused me, for these things, I am lucky, very lucky. I am also lucky that for the first 9 years of my life, I had a parent invested in me, and for 2 years after the death of my mother, I at least had a nuclear family, flawed as it was. I was not abused, but I was neglected, and even the neglect was mild in the spectrum of child neglect. I lived in a house dirty enough that it could be on a news program, my father filled the house with cigarette smoke, and he ignored me, and my development, from the ages of 12/13-18, when I was finally able to ignore him too.

I always had food, though not vegetables until I started eating lean cuisines. The power was never shut off, and though my dad would lay passed out on the porch with the door unlocked, I had shelter. But my dad was drunk. Passed out drunk, from the time he got home from work until I went to bed. His ex-wife died, then he had to become a full time parent, then his second wife left him, and he started drinking tequila sunrises "to relax." In no time they became tequila & OJ, then just tequila, then skip the glasses, then at least half a bottle a day. He broke some ribs from trying to get down the stairs to go to the bathroom, which he told me, unaware of how hearing your father broke his ribs is not funny, but traumatic.

When I look back, from my "safe place" I forget how traumatic it all was for me. When I have a hard time commiting myself to anyone but the perfect man, I kick myself, thinking I am being irrational, and I forget that I am where I am for a reason, and my avoiding trusting men has been a survival instinct that has served me, and kept me safe, and was due to the trauma of my childhood. A pink spot on my shoulder has given me a reminder of what my childhood was like.

In jr. high I got an itch on my arm. Where the itch was turned pink, and started to have little bumps on it. I dont remember if I told my dad or not, I probably did, but most of the time when I talked to my dad he would say "uh-huh" or "oh?" and obviously be ignoring every word I said.

The little red patch grew over time, it grew bigger than a cherry tomato. I was terribly embarrassed by this strange blotch on my arm, but somehow did not feel I had any control over it, so I just lived with it. I probably avoided sleeveless shirts, and just went on with life, feeling like I was hideous and diseased. One day my grandma and aunt took out a health book and compared the pictures to my rash. They decided it was something called "rosy ring" and I don't remember what happened next. All I remember is that once I was at a doctor, we found out it was ringworm, a very common and very easy to treat fungal infection. It is very common with people who own cats.

That was a nuanced example of my neglect. One I didn't recognize at the time, but one that seems glaringly obvious now. If your child has a rash on their body that lasts for months, and grows, you take them to the doctor. If you cant afford a doctor, you take them to a free clinic. If you cant afford a free clinic you experiment with different creams until it goes away.

Last week I had a red bump on my shoulder the size of a pimple. It didnt go away in a day or two like a pimple or a bug bite, it grew. When I got home from my trip I put some anti fungal on it and after a week it is almost gone. Not sure how I got ringworm again, but I was just at a home with cats, and I am sure my immune system is pretty weak because I havent been eating or sleeping well lately. It was just so easy. I tried with a little anti-fungal cream and solved the problem. The point is I noticed the problem.

I will say this. I did get to the doctor when I pushed my dad to take me. When I was 17 or 18 and had my suicide note written (I was intelligent and and observant enough at that age to know that "suicidal ideation" is a sign that depression is at a dangerous point) and when I went, the doctor prescribed Zoloft for me, and my life began to turn around for me.

My dad hated the term "dysfunctional family" for good reason. A term like that drew attention to the fact that I wasn't getting what I needed as a child, that him giving me food & shelter and saying "I trust you" wasnt the equivelent to making and enforcing rules.

Thank god for my mom's social security, tons of therapists and medication, and family members who didnt take me out of my nightmare home, but at least paid attention to me. And to my grandma and aunt, who actually noticed that children shouldnt have large rashes on their arms, and opened a book about health, telling me that I matter enough that I shouldnt have skin diseases.

Say a prayer to your preferred diety(ies) for the children who suffer through so much worse

The golf club princess

2008-06-30T23:22:00.005-05:00

One thing I like about my airline is most of the people are middle class and normal. There are a few lower-class arses, and a few upper-class arses, but most people behave like human beings and have their heads on their shoulders. But now and then we get a twat.

On walks a teen with a Chanel bag and some ridiculous patent wedges on her feet. Of course she is in the front row so I have to look at her snotty mug. Her dad, a nice man, was sitting behind her, so after overhearing them discuss golf I had it in my head that she was the daughter of a professional golfer and was another obnoxious princess who's parents misguidedly pampered, and created a monster.

When we began to accelerate for take-off suddenly the we slowed way down. I remained calm, knowing that an alert must have popped up, and takeoff needed to be aborted. The captain announced that we had hit a bird, and needed to go back to the gate to have the plane looked at by maintenance. The little princess asked "we hit what?" and I said "a bird" she said "what?" and I said "a bird" and waved my hands like wings. She said "we have to go back because they hit a bird?" and I said "Sometimes they can damage the aircraft." I overheard her say to her dad "I have never seen anything like this" and I am thinking to myself "Oh really, in your 19 years of life & and flying you have never seen anything like this?" I could not believe this girl.

On the way back to the gate I see a tabloid in my face and she says, with a flat look on her face, "want a magazine?" This sort of endears me to her, she has shared her magazine, and I liked the way she was nice without the cliche smile. Stuff like that amuses me. I looked through it, and handed it back, and said "I'm done" she said "already?" and we both said something about liking to look at the pictures. She then taps a Korean lady across the row with the magazine and just sort of grunts, the Korean lady takes the magazine and her and her travel companion look perplexed.

We got to the gate and suddenly there was quite a production. A crane was brought in, and the plane was surrounded by maintenance men. Even a man in a tie was there. Apparently the DNR takes DNA samples now to track the killed birds. I had time to walk through the cabin with water and Pepsi, but the time at the gate was relatively fast, and soon we had the door closed and we were on our way. While walking through the cabin the girl lays down without a seat belt I say "Pardon me? Do you have your seat belt fastened?" and she sort of laughs and says "No" and I say "Could you please fasten it so we can get going?"

I don't remember anything special about the flight. The lights went out in the lav, but the circuits were reset, and other than that it was uneventful. Most people slept through it all, so I didn't have to do much for the service. Before we landed I did my final walk through, collecting newspapers, cups, and any other trash from the flight. I went to the galley and filled out my paperwork and sat down for landing. As the passengers were leaving I heard her dad say "You left some papers" and she said to him "I did it on purpose."

Of course I looked at the papers, and learned that she is a golfer. There was a list of potential endorsements, a workout schedule, and an e-mail from some jeweler endorsement saying "this is your allowance for the remainder of your contract, there is a lovely piece of jewelry for $14,000 we recommend."

I had a few thoughts. One, I was happy to see a snotty young girl who had EARNED her snottiness. I imagine she paid for that Chanel bag, not her dad, and that her sense of being the center of the universe was because of her own accomplishments, not because of a pampered childhood. This is refreshing, since I see too many girls who walk around with a sense of entitlement but having done nothing to earn it but be born to white, rich, doting parents.

The other thought I had was why in heaven's name did she leave confidential papers like that out? Was she trying to prove a point? Like I was mean to her (I wasn't) and look what a mistake I made? Was she showing off? Or was she just really sloppy about protecting her privacy? (Her e-mail address might have been on one of those papers.)

In the end I wish her the best. I thought she had an obnoxiously big head, but wouldn't most of us have one if we were given such attention at such a young age? I feel hope for her that she develops a normal, healthy sense of self, which is hard for young celebrities, and that she grows out of this phase eventually. I thought I saw a spark of a sense of humor when she offered me the magazine, I may have been projecting, but I choose to see it. I only want good things for women athletes, and I don't think it is fair to hold them to a higher standard of behavior than the very low bar set for male athletes.

The top ten reasons stockings are better than pantyhose, by Diana Crabtree

2008-06-30T01:18:00.003-05:00

Feel free to copy and paste this top ten list and send it as a mass e-mail, just include my name & link in it. Why? I am an attention whore, thats why.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The top ten reasons stockings are better than pantyhose...

10. If you get a snag on your ankle, you can switch the snag to the inside, and it will be less visible.

9. Your husband (or wife) will think you look sexy while getting dressed.

8. If you get a run in one leg, you haven't destroyed the whole pair.

7. It is unhealthy for your lady parts to be suffocated in nylon

6. If the phone rings while you are putting them on, you won't have the second leg dragging on the floor.

5. Using less fabric is better for the environment

4. There is no waistband to roll down, creating a sexy "Muffin Top" look.

3. If you think someone is cute, you can spread your knees apart 11 inches, and flick your tongue like Gene Simmons. (The seam of pantyhose would ruin the effect, and lets face it, would be trashy)

2. You can use the bathroom without praying that you don't snag them while pulling them up and down.

And the number one reason stockings are better than pantyhose...

Cool Buns

www.dianacrabtree.blogspot.com

Not a nice dream

2008-06-25T00:45:00.002-05:00

I just remembered my dream last night. I heard a sound, and saw something move on top of my bookshelf, and it was my grandma on top of a bookshelf, she had had a stroke!

My cousin and I got her down and decided to eat her (huh?) and then later on found out that if we had given her CPR instead of eating her there was a chance she would have made it.

Tonight's lesson: If your grandma has a stroke, don't eat her!

The second half of the now-over love affair

2008-06-23T20:24:00.002-05:00

Continued from:
http://dianacrabtree.blogspot.com/2008/06/torrid-affair-leads-to-weight-loss.html

Everyone went back to the hotel, and back to the "Dominion Room" for more drinks and music. I ended up at a table with the bride and groom, Jimmy, and the best man and his girlfriend. Again there was this subconcious urge to sit by him, but I tried to go against it, and eventually ended up at the opposite end of the table, getting to know the best man, who was a nice guy. Jimmy was eating pistachios one after another. At one point he randomly threw a shell at me and it almost went down my shirt. I threw one at his head and it landed in his hair. Later he complained about being hot, and I the words "take it off" came out of my mouth before I realized I was going to say them.

That night people asked if Jimmy could stay in the suite. It would mean being in the same room as me, and he kept asking if it was okay. I told him it was totally no big deal, I told him I often have guy roommates. We talked and joked into the night, and finally went to sleep.

Finally, the day of the wedding came. By this time I am sick and tired of the f-ing mall (I had been there a number of times, it was right across from the hotel) but we had to go there for our hair, and I got my makeup done at a kiosk for buying $25 of sparkly makeup. The day before I had met the hairdresser, and she said to me "I ahm going tooh mayke yooh beouuteefuul." She was great, from Iraq. She was telling me about her perfect children, and I asked for her orthapedic surgeon son's phone number (she didnt give it to me.) My hair was cute. Not as cute as my friend does it, but it was very nice.

We got to the Unitarian church and there was a get ready room. I taped towels on the door so no-one could see the bride in her dress, a good thing because the men were getting ready next door. I had no steam left really. It had been a long week and I was tired. We got ready and lined up for the wedding. While we stood in line, people from the meditation group were putting cushions in the room. It was so bizarre! They may not have been American-born, but you would have thought they could figure out this was a wedding and respectfully waited to put the cushions in the room! The wedding planner put her foot down and made them remove them. They seemed surprised. I find that so weird.

The ceremony was nice. I got eye contact with Jimmy once, I avoided it the rest of the time. When I told him he looked like Tim Allen (a combination of Tim Allen and John Cusack) he said he was going to grunt like Tim Allen during the wedding. He didnt. After it was over it was pictures. The photographer wanted me there to help make people laugh and grab bouquets and stuff. I felt flattered to be used, but I was just tired and sick of it all. There was so much tension in the place. Both had divorced parents, and the bride's mom's side of the family are fun, but gossipy and one was quite bitchy.

The dinner had great food, but we all just sat at the table and didnt say much. It wasnt fun. I was tired and felt like my seat was going to fall backwards. Then the mother of the bride had some idea of having a parade up to the reception. I am sure it looked great, but I just wanted to get it over with.

We got to the reception hall and loud music was not for me. I sat, enjoyed the cake, and chatted with one of the performers from the wedding. Then there was some dance. I didnt want to do it, but the brides mom said I had to. If I had to dance, I was looking for Jimmy to dance with. When his sister grabbed him and I said "I want to dance with sweaty" and he said "you can cut in." I asked the brides brother and he was like "I dont want to dance" and I'm like "yeah, duh, neither do I" finally I danced with my uncle.

I wanted to find a bathroom, so I walked through an open door. There was construction, but I thought maybe I could connect to the bathroom by walking through it. Also, it was so peaceful in there, so I kept walking farther. It was actually really cool. It felt naughty to be in there, and It went so deep through. I lingered a minute, but then finally went out when I realized it wouldnt connect. I had to go back to the church to go to the bathroom. I appreciated leaving.

When I walked out of the bathroom and looked in the mirror I felt like I looked like the fat girl in "My big fat greek wedding." I got struck with this sense of sadness, I figured "Jimmy liked me until seeing me in this dress, he didnt realize I was fat until now. It bummed me out. However, soon after I arrived back at the reception, we found each other (he got me a margarita) and I ended up showing him the back area. (I called them "the catacombs")

We chit-chatted. His dad's second wife's grand-kid came in and we teased him a little, but when he started going in deeper I told him be careful, and Jimmy made him leave. He said something about me being cool, and I said something about him being cool and one of us said something about it being too bad we live so far apart and I said "well we could always have the cliche fling" and we both seemed to like the idea. We walked to the very, very back of the catacombs, into a bathroom with a tiny toilet in it, and made out like banshees. I commented on how I thought he would be shy and timid, and that I was happy that he was so confident and aggressive. And he grabbed me and kissed me hard. At one point he asked me if I was drunk enough that he could take advantage of me, and I had to think about it, and shrugged my shoulders. He took the second half of my margarita and poured it in his glass.

I cant remember the transition from the making out to back to the church, but I had mentioned we had to decorate the car. No one had planned to decorate the car! We tried wet chalk, but it didnt leave a mark, so we scrounged and finally settled on masking tape. It was a lot of fun, and it provided the perfect alibi for our shenanigans.

By the time I got back to the reception it was just about over. I wished it was longer, because by then I had changed into my clothes, and felt much better. We all went to the dominion room and hung out a bit, and somehow I remember being upstairs, kissing Jimmy before he was about to take a shower. I was unbuttoning his shirt for him, and seeing his hairy chest nearly sent me over the edge. I went back to the dominion room and he texted asking how long I would be. When it was all over I didnt want to wait for everything to be quiet, but once it was, he rolled into my bed, and it was so amazing. To like someone, be mutually attracted to them and kiss them is so, so sexy. He knew what to do, and it drove me crazy.

At one point I touched him and it was so freaking huge. He was fresh from the shower, and I desperately wanted to, so went down on him, even with my aunt and uncle in the next room. He was going to finish, and I let him, and I liked it, I had no problem with it. I loved making him happy. He sounded so very happy. (I like what I do, and I know how to do it ;) ) He did some lovely things to me too, and I didnt have an orgasm (because I dont with guys) but It was incredible.

I didn't want him to go to his bed, but I didn't want us to fall asleep accidentally. So eventually we laid down in our own beds. After what could have been 5 minutes, or could have been 20, my eyes opened to the light of my phone. The power was going on and off. I whispered "did the power just go off?" and we ended up on the balcony. It was surreal, the dark courtyard with little power except from the generator, and music playing!

In the morning my aunt caught him leaning over me, and when Jimmy was leaving I walked with him, and kissed him by the elevator, just as my uncle came around the corner. I am sure they are mad at me, sure I had sex, which I wouldnt have, even if I had a condom, because it would be disrespectful, yet we still went down on each other, so how is that more respectful? not sure. I was already feeling a-social and tired, and having them irritated with me didn't help. I hid in the basement at my aunt's stupid day after brunch, which was mostly her loud irish sisters.

And that was that. I thought Jimmy and I would see each-other on the 28th, and I was going to get a room away from the pilots so we wouldnt wake them up. I bought him a 4 pound bag of pistachios. I was going to go in for a fresh coochie-wax this weekend. But the day before yesterday I wrote him and said "what do you think about next week?" but I didnt have to write that. He is a big texter, and he had only texted me twice after that night, the week after, and on father's day, when I texted him "happy fathers day" and he said "Why thank you" and nothing more. I knew. When a boy likes you he tries. If he's shy, then he takes the bait when you start a conversation. It was never going to happen. He knew this girl a year, he was probably seeing her while we were at the wedding. (He was texting someone on the first day.)

I am feeling much better today. Thankfully, yesterday a hot workout dude was chatting with me in the excercise room at the hotel and maybe was going to ask me to dinner (twice he asked when I would know if my flight was cancelled) sure, he knew I was an F/A and must of assumed I was an easy lay, but at least it shows I'm not a dog. Today I chatted with a German engineer (you know how I love the Germans) and having my name put in a song by a sexy and talented (albiet jerky) musician made it all a little easier.

I am also doing well with the weight watchers. I have been counting points on my ipod, and yes, I am not being perfect, but I am monitoring and limiting my food. I feel in control. And running was surprisingly easy! :) I feel confident that I will get back down to 185, and probably just stay there and be happy with it. 175, 150 would be nice, but if I can look in the mirror at 185 and feel pretty, then 185 it is.

I will move on. It is happening quickly. I just have to keep my confidence and move forward. I cant dwell on feeling used. I do, but I participated in it. I didnt want promises, but I wanted to get him without promises.

Am I a muse?

2008-06-23T18:13:00.002-05:00

Toronto dickhead musician sent me, and others a new song, and there is a lyric "Goddess like Diana" except instead of Diana, it's my real name, much less common.

Hmmmm?

That's me! A muse!

I want

2008-06-22T22:38:00.004-05:00

Hung, hot, a great kisser, knew what he was doing in bed. Big, dark eyebrows, oh! And that hairy chest and arms! AK!

Also sweet, smart, nerdy, and clean cut.

So what he was a manager at Office Max? He is a responsible person, and I got to see that I am not obsessed with status like I was worried I was, I just want a quality guy.

I cant take it. I want him so bad. And I cant just go and find another guy with chemistry. I LIKED him, that is what made the chemistry and making out exponentially better. I wanted to see him, have sex with him, and let my feelings go where they would. If I got hurt, if it couldnt work, I was willing to take that risk. But I was also willing to hope it could work, because he was that package. A nice boy, but I wouldnt have to "settle" for a guy who sucks in bed, in order to get a sweetheart. FUCK!

Also, I thought I didn't like white American boys, but that was almost a plus. I wasnt thinking about our ethnicities or any of the worlds problems. Not that I think that all the time with guys I date, but I think about it often.

I am so upset. Not as upset as I was about the Mike breakup, but I do think this guy was a good match. I mean very good. I mean very, very good. I felt like I could understand how people "fall" in love. Like consumate love, Friendship, Sex, & Companionate. I didnt have that with Charles, though I loved him.

I need to lose weight. Not so guys will like me, they already like me, but so I can have the confidence to take chances.

I need sex. Good sex. Sex I don't have to give up. Sex with friendship. Sex with loyalty. Sex with partnership. I realize the chemistry fades, but I need it now. I need it. Why do the work of a relationship otherwise? It's the positive reinforcement to keep trying though its hard. Sure it fades, but usually by then the other parts have developed.

I'm so in denial. I still feel this hope that he will call me and say "I cant do it, when you said **** I got to thinking, and I can't just settle for her." Yes, this is my actual hope. When I sit and think about it I know it's stupid, but I am just still somehow in denial. And lets say he did do that. Would I feel the same about him? Or is the spell be broken. I would forever be the second choice. Not a feeling that makes you feel valued. Sure, he has worked with her a year, but I still feel so awful.

I have gotten so close. So close to something real happening. But instead of feeling pleased with my progress, I am getting so frustrated. I am saying "something is wrong with me." I know that is the wrong response. I am so close. I am letting myself get hurt, which means I am letting myself feel. But I don't want to find "someone" I want him!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, I want to find someone, in my city. No, I want him.

I want one for MEEEEEEEEEE! Where's mine?

2008-06-21T21:33:00.003-05:00

I always spell definately wrong. I need to practice spelling it right. De-finite-ly. definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely

Good for me!

2008-06-21T21:24:00.002-05:00

So I bought some coconut candies for my aunt. I told my cousin I would probably eat a few. Well I didnt want to open them because I was worried once I started I wouldnt stop, and I did a good job, until tonight.

I took the wrapper off the key lime. I ate one, and looked at the box. 150 calories, PER CANDY. I then took the wrapper off the almond one, and didnt have a second. 300 calories just didnt seem worth it :)

I cant do this!

2008-06-21T20:22:00.003-05:00

I think I am pushing my feelings away, because I don't want to write this post. If I dont write, I dont have to analyze and think about it.

The grooms brother has some dumb girlfriend now. It wasnt in my for-sure plan to want to have a relationship with him, but I wanted to see where it would go. I really liked him. A nice guy in the street, a whore in the bedroom

What a loser. What does office max girl have that I dont? I think I am good enough that the fact I live in another city, and will be gone for over a month still makes me a great match.

Right now no guy can compare to him in my mind. It sucks to see it's not mutual

its four am, fuck

2008-06-20T02:57:00.003-05:00

I am writing this from my iPod. My computer is in the room, but I am supposed to be getting to sleep, so it is off. There are many factors of why I am awake, but a big one is that I am worked up from a website I posted on, and the reactions I am getting.

Last week, when trying to find info on the fate of my company, and in consequence, my livelihood, I found a hiring site, where people were asking aout starting at my company. I wrote a post about the reality about it, and I got a handfull of responses calling me negative and jaded. I can't explain how much this upsets me, I pride myself in my positive attitude and my caring for others. Peoples responses were "you are negative..." you know what, I'm not going to say them, they were so unfair, one, in the same sentence, said I thought I was too good, and maybe I am bitter because I am "only going to be a flight attendant," and am not going to do any other job in the future.

I want to know who this demon woman is! She doesn't know who I am either, but that makes it worse I think. I don't think she would have been so boldly dismissive of me in person, it hurts my feelings though, still.

What makes this really dumb is, she is probably a recruiter. I just can't fathom that when I am warning people about what it takes to survive my airline, she is writing about how rosy it is, which bugs me because I think people have a right to know, and because it makes me feel like the sacrifices I made are untrue.

I would not be surprised if I have PMS. I have to feel good that I told the truth, and the people who read it are responsible for their own choices.

I spent more than 600 dollars today on luxuries- it makes me feel stressed, not the equivalent happiness that $600 should buy

2008-06-16T21:34:00.004-05:00

I made the decision to buy an ipod touch. Most people would hear this and say "that's extravagant" and I agree, but I am not buying a fancy-pants mp3 player, I am buying a wi-fi machine to keep myself from destroying my laptop by taking it on trips, and people, I'm close.

Yes, OWNING a computer is extravagant, having e-mail period is extravagant, but I just feel more connected when I have access to my computer. I treat my social phobia with a bit of tolerance, I don't force myself to leave the hotel room when I need a rest from people (and don't want to get dressed, ha ha! Also, the crew lounge now has wi-fi access, and on 3 hour sits at the airport it is a real blessing to have e-mail access, whether to pass time, or to be productive. I also hope to put a yoga routine on it and workout now and then. I wont hold my breath. HA HA

I also bought an 8GB flash drive, because my computer is whacked, and everything needs to be swept away and start fresh. The Flash drive can hold my precious uganda pictures too, which is important, because I am one crash away from losing it all.

I also bought the COOLEST thing: a laptop cooling pad!!! It was $20, and TOTALLY neccessary! My laptop gets scary hot, I am not sure what I am more scared of, the computer dying, or a fire!!! It seems to really work, and it feels nice on my legs :)

But thats not the end of the luxuries. I also bought a ION USB turntable. I have over a hundred records from my parents, and to not have a record player is a waste. This one is especially cool, because it lets me put records into MP3 form. How cool! I can listen to Joni Mitchell and Sweet Honey in the Rock on my new Ipod :)

This sounds odd, probably stupid, but I bought all those things today because I "had no choice." I have put off buying them for ages, because I hate spending a lot of money, but if I don't buy them now they will no longer be at Costco (they rotate products so you buy them right away instead of waiting) and my computer is going to die soon, inside and out, if I dont protect it.

Also, if I take an extravagant trip to India, then I dont want to take this computer. It was a huge blessing to have it in the airports during my trip to Uganda, to find out flight loads and for priceline.com (that saved me HUNDREDS!- and kept me from sleeping at the airport for 3 days!)

In the end, spending $600 might save me $1,000 (for my computer.) And I admit, I feel very happy to have these things, I just don't want to spend all my money, especially since my airline could be out of business in a year.

I have spent the money, and I feel fine about it. I trust myself that I am not going to go crazy with spending, I actually had to push myself to get these before they were gone (I was psyched about the ipod, but I thought it would be closer to 200 at costco- oh well, it will be, in a week or so, ha ha)

I'm so depressed I dont want to go to India

2008-06-13T21:58:00.001-05:00

I'm overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed by everything. I am too overwhelmed to write anymore

Torrid Affair leads to weight loss

2008-06-09T15:20:00.002-05:00

I think I am finally ready. I think I am finally ready to do the work to lose the weight again.

The groom's brother, who was only a groomsman, not the Best man, which would be a better cliche, was so freaking hot, I can't believe it. I could be writing about the amazing wedding, being with my amazing family, but apparently my vagina has more pull on my brain than my heart.

He arrived on day two. Glasses and hat, he was the perfect nerd. I heard voices in the hallway, I had a green face mask on, and so I opened the door and said "Welcome back guys!" this was his first impression of me. The perfect first impression.

I made a point to avoid looking at him. I suppose this is the normal response when you are attracted to someone. I am very attracted to the groom, and think he's a sweetie, so I am not sure if the initial attraction was because of phermones, or just wanting my own version of the nice boy groom.

We ran into each other as a group, and I barely acknowledged Jimmy. Again, it must have been a subconcious trick to avoid letting on my feelings, or it was a subconcious seduction. Not sure. It was subconcious.

Before the rehearsal dinner, the bride and I were on our way to the elevator, and there was this handsome guy in a button down shirt and dress pants. He is my dream boy, stuffy-ish business guy. Had married written all over him. The bride said "you are ready already?" and I assumed he was some cousin, or more likely, a husband of one of the cousins. After a few minutes of them talking, I realized it was Jimmy! WOW. He looked GUUUD. My eyes went right to the hands, and I was happy to see naked, naked ring fingers.

At the rehearsal I approached him. I told him that I didn't realize he was the same person. I said "I thought you had curly hair" instead of "I didnt realize you are fucking hot." He didnt remember my name (arse) and when I told him my real name, not my nickname, that everyone in the fam calls me, he was like "Ooh, thats so beautiful" ha ha

So at the rehearsal dinner I wanted to sit near him, but not be obvious. I sat with a seat between us, hoping enough people would show up that the group would move down. Instead, a few seats were open, so I moved over, by suggestion of the bride. While there Jimmy did a sweet speech, holding back tears, his mom was crying, and instead of going around the table and hugging her, he said to her: "eat your pie." He also ate a coconut shrimp for me, even though he doesn't like coconut.

to be continued...

maid of honor has fling with groomsman at cousin's wedding

2008-06-07T23:02:00.002-05:00

I'm so cliche

back to the party...

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride, THANK GOD

2008-06-05T00:07:00.002-05:00

Nah. I'm kidding. But still, weddings stress me out. I wouldnt mind getting married or being married, but the whole planning a wedding just sounds bad to me.

I am in Baltimore, staying at my uncle's, the father of the bride, and ready for a few days of wedding fun. Did I mention I am the Maid of Honor? I haven't done much work, but I am happy to say I bet my toast will be better than anyone else could come up with :)

I hate non-rev traveling, but I love it once I am at my destination. This afternoon my spacy brain told me I had to leave at 12:30, when it was really 11:30 that I needed to leave, but in the end it was lucky, because there were tornados in Baltimore, so the later flight was preferable.

I need sleep more than I need to write, but I felt like commemerating the occasion.

AW crap! I just realized I am in a different time zone, so it's super late. CRAP!

Good Article (what should I look for in a guy?)

2008-05-29T23:26:00.001-05:00

http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/spiritualdating/4340/am-i-too-picky-when-dating

How not to help the homeless

2008-05-29T18:46:00.001-05:00

Yesterday Emma and I walked to a coffee shop to plan our trip to Bangladesh/India, on our way a man "hard on his luck" asked for a dollar. I agree that you should never give a pan handler money, especially here in my city, where we have social services available. The reason I believe I should never give a pan handler money is they will likely spend it on an addiction, and some pan-handlers make a lot of money from pretending to be in dire need.

However, there is a basic principle. If a person needs food they need food. If they are an addict, then they REALLY need food, because they wont spend any money on food, only their addiction. So I have a policy if someone (In the US or Canada) begs, I will give them food, but never a penny.

So Emma gave him some spare change, and I said "I will buy you some food if you want" frankly expecting him to say no. Sadly, twice "hungry" people have told me no. "Could I have some money for food? No, I dont want your food, I want your money." So when the man said yes I was surprised.

There was an indian restaurant steps away with a menu out front. I was pointing out that there was some rice and dal (lentils) and I forgot that not everyone lived with a pakistani dude, so I accidentaly said "Dal" instead of "Lentils" and the guy started saying "Doll? Doll?" and said "Do they have a hamburger on there?" Emma pointed to a Super America across the street, and said "you can get a hotdog there" and I all three of us thought that was a great idea.

As we were walking in he asked if he could have something to drink, and I said "I can get some juice" and he said "No I dont like juice" and I am like, "fine, I can get some pop." So as I walk in I am planning to get him 2 hot dogs, a soda, and a salad. We approach the hot dog machine, and he points to some big hot dogs and says "I want those." I walked to the cooler and found some veggies and dip and approached him and made my bleeding heart speech "you dont have to eat these, just take them" and he said "I don't want that! I dont like carrots!" with such intensity I backed off on my "just take them" pledge.

So he is pointing to the big hot dogs, but they have a sign that says "not ready." so I say "eh, those arent ready, but those are" and he says "I dont want those ones, I want those." So my patience is being tested, and I say "look, my friend and I have things to do, I dont have time to wait for that" and he insists he will put it in the microwave, so I say fine. There is one bun, so I just get him one. He goes to get his orange pop, and I look Emma in the eye, and say "I know, I'm stupid" and he heard me.

So then he goes to the cooler with burgers and says "can I have this?" and I say "no" and he says "can I get some chips?" and I say "no." And he is standing in line with me and saying "your not stupid, your not stupid" and the more he says it, the stupider I feel. He says "can you just spare one extra dollar for the bus?" and I say "no." He says "your not stupid, you bought food for a hungry man" and I look at the hot dog and sunkist, and say "This doesnt really count as 'food'" and he kept blathering on, while I regretted not just walking by the jerk when he asked for money.

So I made the decision a few hours later, not only will I never give money to a panhandler, if I give them food, I will pick it out. I will offer them a turkey sandwich and salad (ranch dressing is fine) and if they say they dont want it I will say "okay, have a nice day!" and move on. I cant believe I let a jack-ass pressure me into paying for food that I don't believe in. Besides the protien in the hot-dog, giving that type of food to a person who's body is probably hurting from hunger & drugs/alcohol is like throwing money in the garbage. All it does is fills his hunger, and probably makes him sicker than he already is.

I look forward to providing healthy food to the next panhandler that approaches me, I can either get the warm fuzzy feeling of having given food to a person in need, or I can have another funny story about a person turning down food when they claim to be hungry.

Living with a transexual vegan can be tedious

2008-05-29T12:35:00.003-05:00

One thing that makes me lucky, and makes being from a minority group unlucky, is that when you are in a minority group, and are often excluded and judged, you become obsessed with whatever your "title"/identity is. I am so gayed/transed/sexismed out. If your whole life is about how sexist/homophobic/racist whatever the world is, you see nothing else. I love getting to work and not hearing any statements about gay/transexual/or "women's" issues.

But the thing that is really annoying me, is the Vegan thing. Fine, you dont eat cheese, but you wont eat rice cheese, because it has casien in it? Or you wont eat smart balance margarine, you will only eat earth balance, because smart balance might have some tiny dairy product added to it? TIRING!

Honestly, i am just having a tiring week, and I am annoyed with her, like I would be with any roommate. If she were "the average" girl I would probably be annoyed with her being shallow. I suppose I can enjoy her veganism because I can stick my nose up at it while she is sticking her nose up at my eating style ;) And, she is inspiring me to eat more vegetables, which I love.

"Love at First Sight" or "Fun with Ethnic Stereotypes"

2008-05-28T23:47:00.002-05:00

I truly believe that love at first sight is possible. A person falls in love at first sight, and then they start a relationship, and fall in love for real eventually. Sometimes a person falls in love at first sight, and then they dont fall in love for real, but they forget that they fell in love at first sight, so it doesn't count. So any-whoo I fell in love at first sight this week.

My racist vagina has the hots for (east) Asian guys lately. It's not that my vagina only loves Asian guys, Asian guys are just added to the list of men who I have the hots for now. Now it's up to East Asian guys, South Asian guys, Europeans, Latinos and Middle-Easterners. My vagina is very cultured.

So this week a hot as hell Asian dude was on my plane. He kept smiling at me, and looking at me every time I walked by, and I was in mad, mad love. To add to my love for him he was reading some technical looking stuff, which meant he was a smartie. I chatted with him and all of a sudden heard a Latino type accent, and when I looked at his name on the manifest, and it was Jose Wong. OH MY GOD I AM IN LOVE! Based on never-inaccurate-ethnic-stereotypes he is the man of my dreams. Smart, ambitious & hard-working, like an Asian stereotype, and lusty and passionate like a Latino stereotype. If he asked me to marry him on the plane I would have said yes.

At the end of the flight he was still hanging around on the plane when everyone got off, so I said "last one off has to clean the plane" and we chatted a moment. He mentioned, without prompting, that he is Chinese, born in Mexico, and working in the US. I gave him my e-mail address, without being subtle at all.

I havent heard from him, and I just googled his name to find, he's married! Of course he is. But you know what? I now have gotten to look into the eyes of the man I love, once again, and all the heartbreak of learning of his wife aka "the other woman" is worth it.

I miss him. Hmmmmmmmmm

...you know, I'm pissed

2008-05-27T23:50:00.002-05:00

Geez! Who asked him? I am back to feeling all low and fat and ugly, and for what?

Why did he have to say that fucking "no chemistry" crack? I felt plenty of chemistry! Fine, the first time he rejected me without my prompting he was just saying "I don't want to date anyone right now" still stung, but just in case, he had to clarify: "I am not attracted to you, did I mention that?"

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Maybe if I am not dating, I shouldnt be friends with guys either. Not if it means getting rejected out of nowhere. God, he really knew how to make me feel like shit.

Tonight put the "kwa" in awkward

2008-05-27T23:06:00.003-05:00

I just got home from the comedy show...thank god I am home. Not sure if I wrote this on my blog, but I was invited by the guy I went on an online date with to go to a show with a famous comedian, at first he said he would go in drag (from a joke we had told) and once I had established that he was serious I got really excited about it, because I love the drag aesthetic, and I was excited to see what I could create (on both me and him.)

A week or so ago, on the same day I got an e-mail from Charles, he tells me he is not going in drag. I was REALLY disappointed, and I told him that, because I thought it was lame that he said he would do it, and then backed out, and then his response was the very weird: "You said you were just interested in being friends, thats what I want in my life right now." It wasnt that big of a deal to me that he wanted to be friends, but it came out of absolute nowhere (thats a BIG leap, me putting lipstick on him, to me dating him!) And being rejected when I didn't bring it up really caught me off guard, so it hurt more than normal. It was like being afraid you might get hurt if you go outside, so you stay home, then someone knocks on your door and punches you in the face.

He had invited me to have dinner beforehand, and I accepted, but I was at costco and didn't feel like rushing, so I called him back and told him we should eat dinner on our own. I also put an envelope full of money in his glove compartment. The show was only $60, thank heaven, but I still didnt want him paying for it. I offended him, but I dont care. If he felt it was so important to clarify that this wasnt a date, then we can happily go dutch. (He didnt even hold doors for me- yuck)

It was such a awkward time. I felt resentful, even though I thought I was doing pretty well at first, basically though, I didnt feel the need to make an effort this time, and the conversation, based on his skills, fell flat. I just wasnt in the mood, I just worked 6 days in a row, including my birthday. Things would have been just fine if he hadnt said "I just want to be friends, you so obviously wanted more since you wanted me to wear heels and false eyelashes." The way things were going before was very flirtatious and joking, but now I felt pressure to not show my undying love for him. I will be honest, I was probably feeling interested in him, but that doesnt mean he had to nip it in the bud, and if he was going to, at least he should have done it at a moment that made sense.

I am just glad the night is over. The comedian is/was okay. I can see why people love him, I certainly like him, but there are comedians out there that make me laugh much harder. The beginning was really annoying, the crowd was laughing so hard at everything he said, like kiss-ass laughs, but eventually people relaxed and laughed for real, and even groaned at his bad puns (3 times.) His response was pretty funny, he was like "you can go"

I know myself. I clam up if I have been hurt.

...ha ha, he just sent me a myspace message saying "I know we dont have chemistry, but we should definately hang out again" I am just like "speak for yourself DECK" (I guess I was attracted to him, especially tonight, it might be because I am horny) Thank you, thank you for ONCE AGAIN hurting my feelings when I didnt ask.

I am a tulip

2008-05-17T23:39:00.002-05:00

For real y'all. I have this thing bubbling up in me, and I dont know what is going to come up.

In my dreams, I am constantly confronting people and saying whats on my mind. Some people say nightmares are practice for dealing with real life, it appears a more assertive Diana has and is emerging.

But there is more. This heartbreak from Mike was like a final straw. I am glad about it, but I am for real done with men for awhile. I may need to get some sex, but I am not wanting a relationship, I just don't think anyone can satisfy me right now. The only thing that will satisfy me is to become the adult I want to be. When I say the woman I want to be, I mean the adult human being, sort of like with the same meaning "be a man." People never say "Be a woman" they say "You are being a woman" and they mean it as an insult. What I want to be in my life is a woman. An in control adult. And I am not talking about my personal life. I am talking about myself as a citizen. There is something growing in me, and damn it, it's radical!

This is why I see myself as a bulb. For years I have buried myself in mainstream anonymity, it kept me safe while I healed the wounds of my mother's death and father's abandonment via alcohol. But something is rumbling in my tummy. I just see visions of myself in dark basements looking at blueprints and planning protests, while avoiding the police. I am hopeful that we wont have a next president continuing the course this country is going in, but if our civil liberties are taken away, which they continue to be, what is next on that slippery slope. Could it be in the future that people could get arrested for peaceful protests? Could it be in our future that people get tortured for peaceful protests? Could it be in our present?

I feel like right now I am trying to figure out reality. I am finally ready to put aside my blinders of "Us" and "Vogue" magazines, (not Dlisted though, Dlisted IS reality) I need to dig deeper, trying to understand what is really going on in the world and America, and what needs to be done to make the world just, then go in that direction.

If I am a planted bulb, soon to sprout, how many people like me are there? I felt really inspired today, seeing "Dave Chapelle's Block Party." It made me think of woodstock. Are the 60's coming back? Are American youth too spoiled and soft to challenge the status quo? Are we too hypnotized by Prada and Chanel? I don't know.

I just hope that whatever comes up is balanced and accessible. I find some radical people to be really tedious, because they reject everyone except the people like them. I hope I continue to listen as much as I speak. I don't know what is coming, I am a little frightened, and a little proud.

I cried at the airport

2008-05-13T22:49:00.002-05:00

The day before my birthday, I cried at the airport. Scheduling was an ass, and the lady at the yogurt store gave me a dirty look and said "NO" meanly when when I asked if the yogurt place was closed. I didn't care who saw, and sadly, no-one saw, because no one was looking.

UPDATE: my period was 2 days later

My most favorite, and least favorite Africans called me

2008-05-13T14:41:00.002-05:00

My least favorite, Joseph. The one who stole the orphan Hufiz' school fees, claimed to be dead then called me to let me know he was alive. Yeah. I ended up hanging up on him. He had no remorse in his voice, it was as if he didn't even do it! I don't want to waste anymore typing time on him.

The other caller: CHARLES!!!!

Ok, Charles isn't my favorite African, Hufiz is, but Charles is a close second. It was so great to hear his voice, even though the phone cards cut off a lot. He is visiting the US on vacation, and I am so happy about it. He can bring books for Hufiz and I can just hug him, and know he is alive and safe.

Thank you Keely, thank you for being unpleasant!

2008-05-09T23:30:00.004-05:00

I was just looking at hot ghetto mess, and remembered a rediculous racist thing I said as a young woman. I repeated some joke that a black comedian had said, and said that the Cosby show, with a black doctor and a black lawyer was unrealistic. I feel sick to my stomach just remembering that, and I want to avoid thinking about it any further, because I don't want anymore humiliating memories of myself as an ignorant ass.

So Keely, my bi-racial friend since Jr. High, was extraodinarily bitchy to me last time I saw her, and when I say extraordinary, I mean for the average person. For her, it was bitchy business as usual. Well I realized tonight how much she blessed me by being a big enough bitch that I never want to speak to her again. Now I never need to be reminded of my ignorant past. No one but her knew about the Cosby joke re-telling. Nobody but her knew about my gaffe of saying her boyfriend is a sweetie, even though he "tries to look all thuggish" (racist because it associates black fashion with thug-ism.) I never have to be reminded of the time I called her friend "D" by the name of her friend "C" (That wasn't a mistake because they were black, but of course it was interpreted that way, and can never be seen any other way.)

Most people are forced to be accountable to their stupid thinking/actions of the past. I am free of them, but she will have to carry them with her forever, because she never gave me the chance as an adult to redeem myself, and to see me for what I was: nervous, eager for approval, curious, and ignorant, but not intentionally. I have always had a good heart, and as I look back on myself, I see that, but forever, when she looks back on me, she will carry a racist person with her, because she never took the chance to see anything more.

When her and I lived together she was so mean to me. I got used to it, like a battered wife I guess, and it took her cousin to call her on it in front of me to realize that she, in fact, was a bully, instead of me deserving it for being...who knows, 5' 7"? For whatever reason a person could believe they deserve to be bullied. In a way we both had the same mental issues, the difference was I saw myself as needing to change, and she didn't.

So Keely, you are such a bitch. Thank you for that. The sentence for my ignorant youth has been commuted, although I plead guilty. Even better, I am freed from the prison of having to deal with you. Halleluja!

(I can say, seriously, she had a bad effect on my self image for years, like an abusive husband. Her little sister, who she also bullied, is now a prostitute)

I am so crabby!

2008-05-08T22:48:00.002-05:00

Wow! I havent felt this crabby in awhile.

Ok, this is going to be a stupid post, because I am too tired (and crabby) to write anything.

I think I am crabby because I am tired from the beer last night, and because I ran today ! :) ! :) And maybe because I am hungry, but I cant be sure, because I was tracking weight watchers points, and I ate twice as many as I should in one day. Also, I am stressed about my cousin's shower coming up saturday. I am annoyed that things are not organized, but I am the maid of honor, so I should have made sure they were (her cousin wanted to throw the shower) I dont know what to get her, and I have to clean my room tomorrow too.

Maybe I just need some sleep. Sorry for the boring post

Drunk with no victims in sight

2008-05-08T01:43:00.002-05:00

Ha ha. I am in my hotel room drunk. Not extremely drunk, but drunk enough that I just want to close my eyes and fall asleep without brushing my teeth, and drunk enough that I cant type.

My captian's birthday is today, and the F/O and I got him some cookies, I wrapped the box in maps from the flight magazine, and tied it with a bag tag. I taped it all together with pieces of bandaid, I am so awesome.

So I am sort of hot for this guy, though he is married, and just had a little girl. I am pretty certian the chemistry is mutual, because he picks on me SO BAD. I really would like to give him a birthday present...OH SHUT UP DIANA!

My hornyness has improved lately (meaning less insane.) I think I have discovered the reason for it, I have been working out more, and the sun has been out more, so all my electrons are firing.

Ok, I dont want to write anymore. I want to roll over, with unbrushed teeth & no medication, and just fall asleep. I wont do that, but I will get up and brush before it's too late.

Peace.

Oh, and I loved that airport cop. He was so hot, and had no ring on. I want a NY guido so bad. Is that racist? Yes. But I'm part greek, so it's the same right? Who knows. Get this girl a fling.

I'm a girl again!!!

2008-05-06T13:23:00.003-05:00

AH! What a feeling! I have waxed my lower legs and (TMI alert) trimmed down the out of control hedges, I feel feminine and touchable again!

Its a dangerous prospect, me being touchable, because it means I might let someone touch, but I can't help it.

I'm not worried, I think I would only allow a positive person in my domain. Except a new artist moved in my building, and when he saw me all gussied up for a play Linda took me to he showed definate interest. Then again, he took interest in the made-up, dressed-up Diana, not the normal ponytail & jeans Diana, so I don't take it personally, though it's nice still :)

I am just doing so well. Sun & excercise are giving me energy and zest for life.

Enough with the nightmares already!

2008-05-06T10:53:00.002-05:00

I have had nightmares the last 4 nights, what gives? The weird thing is my life is going really well right now, so I find the whole nightmare thing really confusing.

Last night was the worst of them all. I lost my job. I had to go into this big process where me and another woman were supposed to compete by explaining why we should keep the job, and I did, but she didn't and she still got the job. When I asked for an explination the guy was all venemous and hateful of me & my informal way of being.

That nightmare was so bad I had to get up and get something to eat. Then, I had another nightmare! I dreamt that I had taken a plum at the airport, thinking it was included as part of a continental breakfast, but I was wrong, so I paid with a 20. Then the people told me I had to wait to get change, and after waiting so long I was going to delay the flight, I had a shouting match with them. This is 2 nightmares in one night!

My guess about the nightmares is I am probably burning more calories than I am eating, so maybe my body is protesting a little at night. I have nightmares when I am too hot, of if my nose is plugged and my mouth is too dry, so the weight loss thing is my guess. I have been excercising every other day and the recovery process of course could be causing the nightmares too.

Oh well, I guess it's better to have an awesome life and bad dreams than to have awesome dreams and a bad life.

The hor-nayest girl in the world

2008-05-02T14:12:00.004-05:00

Ok, so my heart has been broken, so I don't want a boyfriend, and my new goal in life is to only have sex if it is with a boyfriend, or soon to be boyfriend. So what is a hor-nay girl to do?

I am proud of myself from this weekend. There is a musician in Toronto who I have the hots over the internet for, and he has the hots over the internet for me. But, like every musician, he appears to be quite slutty, or at least he seems to think the world revolves around him. He has been quite rude over IM, hanging up abruptly, making me think he is responding to something I wrote, and he has my phone number, has never called, and hasn't given me his (not that I asked for it either)

Well we were supposed to meet on one of my overnights this weekend, and I didn't feel confident that he wasn't thinking something would happen. So I intentionally did not shave my legs (which I have done before to try to stop something from happening) I told him online about it in the afternoon, and his response was "ewww! Gross!" and I am not sure why it pissed me off. I too, think it's gross (sorry hippies ;) ) I think it looks very manly, but that was the point, It could keep sex from happening. I guess it made me mad because a guy who cares about you would be cautious about how you would feel. They might say "eww" but it shouldn't matter because when you sit and have a conversation with me, my pants are on. Also, I have hairly legs, its because I am lazy/have not had/will not have sex for awhile. I am not a freak because of it. The hair grows there. He's probably the kind of guy who would be grossed out by pubic hair. Stoopit. (oh, and side note- the not shaving trick rarely works. They usually want me anyway)

So I was really proud of myself. I was still willing to see him, but I took the phone off the hook at midnight. I know these types of guys. He would finally call at 2AM. I remember staying up late for Detroit guy, just to have him act like a ghetto asshole when I was starving to death and dead tired waiting for him so I could give HIM a present. Ideeot. I also took the windows IM program all the way off my computer. I have no desire to speak to him anymore. If he comes to my city on tour, great, if not, who cares. The only thing I got from our friendship was inspiration to make music (and to ask Mike for more attention) besides that, the only thing Toronto musician dude has to offer me is annoyance.

So good for me. I am hornay as a MF, but turned down some cheap and easy sex, (I was on my period which helped, I doubt he would be respectful about it) I have two other potential victims in my sights. One is Sadiq, He is back in my life, sortof, but he was bad in bed. He came in like 30 seconds, which was fine the first time, but the second time it just seemed selfish. He also woke me up in the middle of the night for sex when I asked him specifically to wait for 5AM. That was so selfish and rude. I am still pissed about that. Victim #2 I dont think I could resist if he came on to me. We went on a date from an online dating service back in the day, and we hung out the other day and he was cool. We are going to see Eddie Izzard next month, and we will be in close quarters because we are both going in female drag, and I am doing his makeup, which means being close up, and lots of touching. I just think I am too weak to turn down some safe dick right now. I am having dreams about it for some reason.

Poor me. My life is really difficult.

(wow! It has been 4 months since I have had sex! Good girl!)

I called the health department on my company!!

2008-04-25T09:54:00.003-05:00

Uh! You wont believe what I just did! I just called the health department against my company (or the airport.) I am in a southern hub, and a toilet is backed up, and a sign says "toilet is out of order, AGAIN." The bathroom smelled like an outhouse, and it was so bad that when I was trying to wash my hands, I heaved 3 times really strong, and if I had stayed longer I would have thrown up. The last time I gagged like that in a bathroom was in a pit latrine by a hospital in Uganda. I can't believe the employees at an airport are supposed to survive something like that. It is an hour later and I am still sort of nauseous!

It seems stupid to make this a race issue, maybe I should say I think it could be a class issue. Middle class people wouldnt be put in those conditions, and maybe middle class people would know that it is illegal (right?) and know that there is an authority above the managers. In addition, maybe middle class people arent as used to being treated like shit, and when you are abused regularly, you just learn to cope, and save your energy/pick your battles.

One thing is, maybe there are other channels I could go through, like the company, but I don't think it could get that bad without people having already complained to management. I just "can't stomach" being in the city of my airline's headquarters, where the CEO's mansion is, and knowing the employees go through that. And I am not talking about Pilots and Flight Attendants by the way. We spend most of our time upstairs. I am concerned about the rampers, who might have a split second between flights to use the restroom, and not have time to go upstairs.

Predjudice as this might sound, there might be a "southern work ethic" going on here. My e-mail address is in my profile, so you can correct me if you think I am being unfair. For international readers, the North and the South have some cultural differences (there are plenty of regional cultural differences in our large country) and we sort of turn our noses up at each-other. The north, of course, is better, but of course, also, I am from the north, so I do think that. I have to get to my next flight so I cant get too deep into it.

All I can say is I am glad I called. Yes, I am sticking my nose in another city's business, but maybe someone needs to.

I live in the f-ing twilight zone

2008-04-22T17:18:00.003-05:00

What the hell is going on?

I set my clock yesterday to match my phone, and my computer was an hour fast for no good reason. Now my phone matches my computer and my clock is an hour slow.

What is going on? Am I being punk'd?

The Zeitgeist Movie

2008-04-20T14:57:00.009-05:00

I love laughing at conspiricy theories. I was instructed to watch "Zeitgiest, the movie" and I assumed it was a movie about religion. It is, and it's about 911, and its about banks. I am watching it right now.

Here is the thing. It all makes a lot of sense. I am very attuned to manipulative propoganda, yet somehow the maker of the documentary has earned my trust. I think this quote did it :

"That being said, It is my hope that people will not take what is said in the film as the truth, but find out for themselves, for truth is not told, it is realized."

I hate that I am too lazy to look up any of this stuff on my own. I hate it because it's probably true, and if I did the work of looking it up I could verify or disprove it, so since I am not doing the research, I can just float in the comfortable cloud of doubt, which can equally be called DENIAL. Denial that my civil liberties are being eroded, and have been eroded.

And Obama is going to be assasinated (thats not in the movie.) This is my prediction.

One thing that is on my mind while watching this is the power of films to expose the truth. No, I am not talking about documentaries. I am talking about fiction. Movies like "The Matrix" and "V for Vendetta" (oops! I just realized they are made by the same people! LOL!) Can illustrate scary, scary, mindblowing truths in a way that can alter a person's understanding of reality while fooling them into believing they are being entertained, and while fooling the people being described that it's "just a movie."

You could say the same thing about books. Books are for sure MORE powerful than movies, but uneducated people dont read books. Uneducated people are easier to manipulate to gain power, so a movie is a good medium to counter the message.

I need to get some of my intelligent friends to watch it, see if they laugh at me for liking it. I am not saying it's a well made film, but I like how much it's making me think.

It's very possible I am a dork, I saw this documentary while I was tired and "open" to messages that take a small amount of truth and expand on them into a wild convoluded theory, but even if thats true, there are definate truths in this. And Americans are too blisfully distracted by TV and luxury to examine them. (And BTW, I am not doubting the tying of the Jesus story to the pagan stuff, i have believed that for years)

Watch it, just for fun. Feel free to send me an e-mail of your opinion.

UPDATE: Woah! I just saw the quote "When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will no peace" attributed to Sri Chinmoy Ghose, who I read about in Runners world as being a kooky cult leader! Bad move Zeitgiest dude, to align yourself with an immoral kook, and to probably have the wrong person given credit for the awesome quote (though awesome quotes can be written by cult leaders"

UPDATE 2: I like the way I wrote about it on Myspace. People should watch "Zeitgeist, the movie" as science fiction. 1984 is science fiction, though it is very valid and important.

UPDATE 3: I watched this movie on 4-20 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

The muse is a bitch

2008-04-19T01:15:00.003-05:00

She shows up at the worst time, at night. Especially when I need to be getting to bed. I have my running clinic in the morning, and the last thing I need is to get my heart racing when it's time to sleep.

I have been corresponding with a man who's music I like very much. Things seem to be going in a romantic direction in his mind, which is probably bad because he may be mentally unstable, but he is an artist so of course he is.

Now he wants me to be friends with his guitarist. I feel like this is also a romantic thing, but I am not going to cut things off just because of that. He had said we would be friends, so why worry about it? Well I was getting aquainted with the guitarist over IM, and the muse hit me again. When I start discussing creativity with people who practice it regularly I get this rush like "I want to be in that world!" because I know that I am creative, always have been, and I havent given myself the appropriate chance to express it since college. Probably since I went to that soul-crushing Catholic college.

So here I am inspired. I want to pull my keyboard down, but I just know I will get lost in it, and I really need to sleep.

I wish I could control her, but I suppose I havent tried yet. I am sure there are things I could learn about myself that could help me figure it out.

Big work news

2008-04-14T20:03:00.002-05:00

While writing my last blog post, I recieved a text message about some big news that might affect my job.

Oh PLEASE let me still have a job after this!!!!!!!!

Linda has been such a crab lately

2008-04-14T19:41:00.002-05:00

I just had an annoying experience with Linda. We have an optional run club meeting at 6:30. Well at 6 I sent her a message on myspace (she was online) saying "do you still want to go?" about a minute later she sent me an e-mail saying "do you want to go?"

My charger was in my car, and my phone was off because of the battery, so I was glad to catch her online. I wrote back immediately and said "wow I just sent you the same message on myspace, hahahahahah" No response

At 6:08 I wrote "why dont we meet there" no response

At 6:17 I wrote "please write back so I know what you are planning" no response

I just decided to meet there, in case she read the e-mail and went straight there. I got ready and went to my car, and turned on the phone. I didn't listen to my messages because I wanted to save the battery for coordinating with her. When I called i noticed the signal in my fucking car was smoking! Something is screwed up about my windshield wipers, but I am too lazy/untrusting to have them fixed. So I was about to tell her that I was coming, but when I saw the smoke I started paniking and said I was going home. She said "thats fine" I hung up so I could turn to go home. It was rush hour traffic and I couldnt turn so I decided to go the extra 6 blocks to the run club and deal with it later (I feel too anxious now anyway) I called her and she said she isn't going.

When I got home I plugged in the phone and heard her messages. The first said she wanted to go, the second said "if you dont call me in 10 minutes I'm not going." I accept that it is my fault that my phone was shut off, but why did she e-mail me, and then not check to see if I e-mailed back. I mean, I e-mailed IMMEDIATELY after she sent hers. It almost feels like she subconciously wanted to not go, so she made it seem like it was my fault. So annoying.

This isn't the first time she has been this way. Last week she acted SO WEIRD. She had goodwill stuff, and it's always fun to dig through goodwill stuff. She has let me before, and I have let her before. So I said "fun! I want to look in there" and she was REALLY resistant. It was bizarre! I think it maybe because she was donating some things that I had given her from Mexico in High School.

I think the reason she gets this way with me is she married a dude with ADD. I like him, don't get me wrong, but he can be rude (or impulsive, if you prefer.) I feel like she is impatient with me, thinking I am just like her husband. Or, she has so much tension about her husband, that she holds it in and takes it out on me.

I sent her a text message taking full responsibility (not even mentioning the odd sending of an e-mail and not checking for a response) and she is yet to text me back. Oh well. I know this will blow over, but I hate that she is like this. She hates her job, she is in debt from her wedding, and she says her inhaler that she uses before running makes her agitated. Grrrrrr.

I saw my "friend" I don't like- AGAIN!!!

2008-04-09T23:59:00.004-05:00

I happened to be in a completely diffrent hub in the crew lounge, and who should walk in? Girl I dont like! EH!

She just makes me feel so awkward. Basically I can tell she is depressed or false (or both) she pretends to laugh at jokes which is really off-putting, and she pours on the compliments. She kept commenting on my hair, and today it was greasy and disgusting. People complimenting you about something you feel self-concious about is really off-putting.

She had said something about men, and I said "mmm, I am not going to date anymore, I am going to make music instead" instead of saying the normal thing "good plan" or laughing at me, she said something like "there is meaning in that" or some shit. And I said "yeah, meaning I dont want to date anymore, instead I want to fill my time with being creative" And this twat calls herself a "life coach."

Thats the thing that gets to me. This bitch NEEDS a life coach- OH! OH! there is more! I had a people magazine with JLo in it, and I was making fun of JLo's conspicuous consumption, and she defended it! I guess her spiritual path thinks mink wraps for babies is a great thing! (real folks, read it)

So, I decided to leave a little early, because I just wanted to get away, and she decided to come with! I told her my gate and she said she likes a bathroom around there. I was like "yeah, I like ones out of the way too" -best answer I could come up with. So I am walking and she wants to show me the place she hangs out or something. So I just want to stay at the top, and let her point to it, but she goes on down the escalator. So I'm like "eh, bye I guess" and she says "come down" and I'm trying to explain that I want to get to the gate, and she is asking about my times and saying I have time or something. So I come down the stupid escalator, and I'm like "eh, great bathroom...I guess" and she's like "I thought you needed to use the bathroom." Yeah, really weird.

So this woman creeps me out. I wish I never got buddy buddy with her, but on the surface she seems like a earthy-spiritual type. But get closer you realize she is a nutjob. And now she has my e-mail address. Ew. If I didn't work with her she would be cut out so fast. I felt icky.

Yup, I don't like her

2008-04-08T23:06:00.003-05:00

Have you ever had a friend, and one day realized "I don't like her/him?" I dont know how it is I came into being "friends" with this girl, but its official, I just dont like her. (this is "I dont need to vote because only god has power, not people" girl)

I have some story on my blog about her taking advantage of me giving her a ride, but I can't rember what fucking name I called her. Protecting peoples privacy is such a drag.

I wont stop being "friends" with her, because its work, and its better to have friends than enemies, but GOD I wish I didnt give her my e-mail address!

These things have nothing to do with eachother...or do they?

2008-04-08T19:00:00.002-05:00

1. I just gave a girl my e-mail address. A little later whe I brought up politics she said something that implied that God has all control over everything, so she doesn't vote. Like voting is a waste of time because god is in control. Damn, and I already gave her my e-mail address.

2. I just ate a salad, and I realized, when I eat vegetables, I become happy. Not sure why, but it's pretty consistant. Next time I have a meltdown I will eat a veggie sandwich and see what happens.

The end.

Minorly depressed

2008-04-06T16:41:00.002-05:00

I can feel I am a bit depressed. I hope it doesnt last long. I hope it can be excorcised with art or something.

I had another awful dream, during a daytime nap I felt was my right, partially because I am working a "High-speed" tonight, which means 4 hours rest, which means I dont plan to sleep at all I think.

My dream involved Gene Simmons & Hugh Hefner, and a lot of dehumanizing of women. My reaction was a mix of pain and hedonism. I was happy to wake up, even if I had plenty of orgasms in my sleep.

By the way. Mike wrote me 2 e-mails last night. I think he wants a girlfriend without the effort or sex. whatever

I was pregnant

2008-04-06T10:32:00.002-05:00

Last night, in my dream, until I woke up, I was pregnant.

It was exciting, but naturally it was scary. The father was a band member who was not my boyfriend, but was a very sweet guy who I was probably in the early stages of seeing. I had planned to tell him at six months for some reason.

Wow. That dream was intense. A little life was growing in my body. I was not as excited as I imagine I would be if I got pregnant (by accident) because reality was setting in, I couldnt work the hours I was working, and where would I live?

In my dream my family already knew I was pregnant, because I was in the background of a home video, rubbing my belly lovingly. Ha ha

WOW! that dream was INTENSE! I was relieved to wake up with a round, but empty belly.

...or maybe not

2008-04-06T01:01:00.002-05:00

Perhaps this is not all about Charles, but Charles is the relationship I can manage to cope with. Barely, by the way. I have a picture of mike opened on my screen right now, and my brain keeps pushing away the way I felt. It's too raw. The worst part, is admitting that he doesn't feel the same way. It is such a violent blow. It's like I am the stupidest person on the planet. I feel that way a lot.

I think I have a very romantic mind. I just want to fall. Fall in love. If I am going to develop love over time I don't want to plan it that way. I wonder if I am unrealistic. Why did I fall for Mike so hard, so fast? He just matched what I wanted. I wanted a smart boy. A responsible boy. A boy I had chemistry with. A caring boy. Which right now I don't feel like he is, but he is, I am sure, feeling sad about hurting me. That's not of course what I want. I want him pining over me, but you cant want things into existance. I play the fool, once again.

You know who else comes in my mind everytime I break up with someone? New York Name Dropper guy. He was a first for me too. He was older than me (much older I learned later) and talking to him was one of (or maybe the first) time I connected with a man. I still pine for him now and then, but I know he lied to me, and was probably married. Also, (as his name implies) he was insecure, and hid behind the people he knows & works with. I remember being very impressed when I was suicidally depressed, and less impressed when my health returned. I believe he was also less impressed, with the less star-struck Diana, especially when he dropped names of people he worked before a weekend he was supposed to see me, but didn't. The message was clear "I was with important people" which of course, proved that the alternative, me, was not important.

3 guys who didn't treat me as important, just like my dad did, my only parent. I don't know if I enter patterns where men dont treat me as important, but I know I cant stand it when they don't.

Mo treated me well. Even though it was long distance. I guess I got sick of being on the phone.

wooh, that cry felt great!

2008-04-06T00:37:00.002-05:00

I just made the decision that I should sketch Mike's picture. To spend time observing his face closely. Its ritualistic, thats all I can say to explain it.

I decided instead to sketch Charles first, and the moment the idea came in my head, my knees buckled, my head and shoulders collapsed and I started to cry.

Two way love. I guess thats what I had. For the first time in my life, and so far, the last. I have to start dealing with it. Its been a year. I have dated half a dozen people since him. I think Mike was the first time I opened to the thought it could happen again.

I bonded with our daughter. I had already met her. We were going to be a family. Thats what I thought in my head. But when he left to Kenya, it wasnt right. He was gone 2 weeks before even calling me. The relationship I had in my head was in my head. I wasnt his partner. I wasnt the one he turned to. His mom had typhoid and I didnt know until after the fact.

In the end, I feel so alone. I have many people in my life. But no parents. I have, and will, be the one to hold myself up. Don't think for a second though that I dont appreciate the people in my life and who have been in my life.

Brilliant observation on my part

2008-04-05T23:49:00.003-05:00

My life has a hole in it. A man could fill that hole, Mike did, but that will only satisfy me for a year or so, and then I will be right back to where I am, feeling this dissatisfaction.

Instead I need to fill that hole with creativity and accomplishment. That is all that will satisfy me. If I find a partner, great. But that is not what is missing from my life.

I have recently been struck by the fact that I meet so many amazing, interesting people, but I am not particularly interesting. I love praising & admiring others, but when I do I often feel a jealosy, not from the attention, but from the sense of accomplishment they get to feel.

Mike broke my heart, so now I am feeling "that ache." That ache has brought out amazing things in me. Maybe something new is about to come out.

------------
Afterthought...

I am broken. He broke me, and I have to put myself back together. Just like in Buddhism, the only way to enlightenment is through suffering, I am dismantled, which is a gift to allow me to put myself back together in the way I want.

And I feel very protective of myself right now. I am tired of giving my energy away. I am actually pleased Mike put up a new ad, the night we broke up. It proves he is foolish. There aren't a million mes floating around. He will figure that out soon enough. It is, however possible, that he doesn't want a me. I might be more than he can take. That's ok. I am glad to know now, not later

The pain keeps coming back!!!

2008-04-05T00:03:00.006-05:00

It's an ache. A lonliness. It goes away for a bit, but then it returns when I forget to pretend it's not there.

I am thinking to myself "thank god it's over- because he wrote 'dating should be fun-but not that kind of fun' " When the truth is I am not happy it's over. I am hurt. HURT HURT HURT.

And again, the pattern continues. The woman punished for liking sex.

What I know I need to do is mourn this somehow. I am thinking I need to do something creative. I have a big, awesome keyboard, so I need to pull it out and let it out. Pain brings out great creativity. And great pain creates moving art.

And this pain is the pain of Mike, compounded with the pain of Charles, compounded with the pain of my dad. All three acted like I didn't matter. Didn't pay me the small amount of attention I needed. And I don's require much.

I am so grateful for hot pilot's call last night. And for Myspace (I have gotten lots of attention from there- I like it :) )

(oh, speaking of myspace, I see Mike looked at it tonight. So he hasn't forgotten me altogether at least. No, don't worry. I'm not holding on to hope. I just like knowing I cant be forgotten in 2 days)

OUCH! Mike has a new craigslist ad up ALREADY!

2008-04-04T21:43:00.002-05:00

Eww. Yeah. Already.

This ad isnt as good as his first was. And this one says "Dates should be fun, but not that kind of fun" What the hell does that mean?

Ow. Eww.

2008-04-04T00:10:00.001-05:00

still, after the rush of the hot pilot conversation...the sadness comes back :(

Another thing to cheer me up- prospects

2008-04-03T23:52:00.002-05:00

OK, so these arent all good prospects, because many of them would not be good matches, but here are the sprouts that could, if watered, grow in my life.

-A dude I went on a pleasant but awkward mini-golf date with a few years ago found me on myspace, and we are in touch
-A sweet soldier on myspace (who I dont want, because he should have a christian girl) but he is nice
-I dont remember the name I gave him, but the Pakistani IT dude who I freaked out on when I stopped taking the risperdal. He randomly got back in touch with me.
-This canadian musician. His band added me on myspace, I commented on their page, and he wrote me and gave me his e-mail. He might be a player, but it's still attention :)

So I am not an unpleasant hag. People are interested in me because I am tired of feeling bad about being fat and am just confident with what I've got. They are interested in me because I like to tell jokes, and I want the world to be better (even if I am not an activist.) They like me because I like me. I'm glad I like me enough to ask for what I deserve, because how else will I get it if I don't demand it?

Did I mention the hottest (and worst spelling) pilot on the planet told me he has the hots for me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Imagine this was your week

2008-04-03T23:30:00.002-05:00

Saturday you lay in a man's arms, and look in his eyes, and feel a connection that you may have never felt in your life.

The next day you are glowing. But each day after that you get sadder, and sadder, because you dont hear from him, by phone, e-mail, or text message. You start flirting for hours on IM with a musician in Canada to fill the void.

On wed, after signing off with Canada-man, you realize that what you want is to hear from your guy. You see he has been looking at your myspace, but you have no direct attention from him. You write him an e-mail, telling him that only communicating on saturdays makes you feel sad. His response is "can we call this off?"

You write back "yes, I am glad we are, because I don't want to get hurt, and I can I have stronger feelings for you than you do for me" and he writes back "I'm exasperated. You make it sound like a competition."

The next day (today) he calls and wants to get together for coffee saturday. You tell him you need a month or so before you are ready to be friends. He sends a number of persistant e-mails about meeting saturday, and you get a twinge of hope that he may talk you out of the break-up. But then he sends a text saying "I just don't want you to be sad"- he doesn't want you back, he wants to clear his concience of the guilt of breaking your heart. You write back that "no one is wrong, we just want different things" and he finally says "okay, call me when you are ready"

On your myspace yesterday you manipulatively posted that you are having a bad day, knowing he looks at it. You are hoping that he will know he matters to you, because you wonder if he is pushing away out of insecurity. Mo writes you. The sweetie. And so does THE HOTTEST PILOT IN THE WORLD who also happens to be drunk, asks for your "fone number" and you chat with him for an hour.

This pilot, who can best be described as a Ken doll, tells you a number of times (with the disclaimer that he is in love with someone else so he is not hitting on you) that he is really attracted to you, and that you are an amazing person, and many other flattering things.

So yes, that was my week (so far...whats next?)

Sent: Wednesday, April 2, 2008 10:47:39 PM Subject: Re: I feel sad

2008-04-03T00:52:00.003-05:00

Diana,

Well, I’m not sure how to respond. I don’t think I’ve been so negligent. It’s only been a little while since I saw you, 78 hours to be precise.

To be honest, I did feel a bit of a horn dog. I think that’s the first time I’ve ever used that term, “horndog”. But the thing is, I think I was the one who got taken advantage of. That’s my fault.

I think you’re pretty good at figuring out people’s feelings Diana, but then you go and internalize things. You’re right, I’m not ready for a serious relationship, at least not right away. You kinda scared me when you talked about oral sex, haha. I’m definitely not ready for that.

I don’t know. Can we call it off? I really don’t want to hurt you, and I didn’t know you felt sad or used. I liked hanging out with you. But, I don’t think I can keep up with you in terms of a relationship.

I was thinking about calling you to talk about this, but I’m pretty sure I would be much less articulate and much more awkward if I called.

I’m rambling, but I really wanted to let you know thatI liked talking with you. I think you’re pretty empathic. And it was fun meeting someone else who likes fish.

It’s not like we can’t hang out still. We can still watch movies together, and go on bike rides. I’d really like that. I thought it was really sweet thatyou offered to let me use your bike, but that you have to put the tires on first.

Can I call you tomorrow? I would like to talk.

Mike

--------------------------

Mike,

Well, odd as it sounds, I feel better now, even though we are calling it off.

The fact that 78 hours doesnt feel like a lot to you is concrete proof that my feelings are much stronger for you, than yours are for me.

Another reason why I feel better is you day you felt like a "horn dog" as if that is a bad thing. In my opinion it is a way 2 people who like each other bond with each other, and make each other happy. When I mentioned oral sex I wasn't offering it, I was trying to learn about you, to understand you better. I don't like recieving oral sex, it makes me feel shy, so I was trying to see if I could understand where you were coming from in not wanting me to reciprocate with you.

I probably can't talk tomorrow, I am on a trip, I am overnighting in -------, and my cousin is here, so I will be with her or at work for tomorrow and the next day until 8PM.

I'd like to be friends, but maybe after awhile. I have been falling pretty hard for you. I need some time to recover.

I want only good things for you

your friend,
Diana

WOW! Did I click send?!?

2008-04-02T15:35:00.002-05:00

Mike,

I am not going to make it very long like this, this "saturday only" communication thing. I like you more each time I see you, and this last time especially. To be apart for 7 days feels very lonely. Especially after being intimate, I actually feel sort-of used, I don't think you used me, but that is how I feel.

I realize that you havent asked for a commitment, but I never could agree to one in the future if this is how things would be. My heart can't take it. I for sure don't want to have sex either if it would be like this. I would spend the week feeling broken hearted.

I am thinking maybe you don't want someone serious in your life right now. Or maybe you don't want me in a serious way in your life right now. That is fine. Like you said in your craigslist ad, there are no guaruntees, and hurting people is not your intention. It would probably hurt less, or the same, as it feels right now.

Diana

......................................................................

You see...you ignore a girl, you dont keep her. I swear its mother nature or something. Charles would probably be an American citizen right now, even with the bad skills. But he ignored me. He NEGLECTED me.

I ask for SO LITTLE from a man. If he can't meet the few expectations I have, then I do neither of us any favors by keeping him around. I will only resent him, then we will both be miserable.

I cant explain the ache in my chest right now. I am falling for him so hard, and I cant take it to only communicate on Saturdays

I almost feel like it has gone too far already. I am pissed, and my heart is closing up to protect itself. Charles broke my heart. I still havent recovered from that. Mike could hurt me 10 times as hard, because I see 10 times the potential as I had with Charles. I really REALLY like him