Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Here is the process: If you are down in the dumps becuase you just had a break up, are considering a break up, or are feeling unsure about a relationship, put on, in order, Sex and the City DVDs (Blockbuster stores have unlimited movies for like $15. And even better is Netflix online) Watching 4 drop dead georgeous characters, with beautiful outfits and apartments, dealing with the same issues you do, is wonderful. It is an opportunity to objectively watch relationship scenarios and figure out "what you would do." This worked marvelously, last November, to help me deal with New-York-Name-Dropper-Man. Of all of the men this past year who have affected me emotionally he has affected me the most.
I met him years ago. I was living with a man at the time. (Hassem- another person who has shaped me HUGELY) I was his (NYNDM's) and his associate's waitress at a steakhouse. He looked like a young Paul Wellstone. I didn't neccesarily consider him good-looking, but I found myself really drawn to him. The way he spoke was very authoritative, I found myself lingering around the table a bit. At the end of the meal he invited me to an event he was involved with (a cheezy with a capital "C" cheezy event) I took his card and said I might like that.
At the end of the night I was exausted. My social phobia would not allow me to go to something like that alone, even if I were dressed and groomed immaculately, and I wasn't able to find anyone to go with me at the last minute (funny, I didn't even ask my boyfriend, hmmm.) I called and left a message of thanks but I can't make it. I also vaguely remember having a sexual fantasy about this guy, something involving dominance I am sure.
The next day he called me! We talked on the phone for about an hour. His cheezy event job was his "fun" job, his real job was as a casting director at a pretty well-known firm. When I spoke to him I thought of him as a lost soul. He seemed like such a NYC stereotype, so fast moving, so "cool" instead of warm. He even dropped a few names (ugh!) He said something that felt great to me. He said I was a breath of fresh air. That meant so much to me, from anyone, but expecially someone who is a casting director in NY. I was so excited the next day saying to myself (half-jokingly) "I've been discovered!" Dispite my sexual fantasy I thought NOTHING about dating this guy. I was in my 20's and he had to be at least 40.
Fast forward to Sept 11. I went back to my old college in the north of my state, where we witnessed all of it on TV. I started getting depressed, I thought that Sept 11 might make our country more empathetic, more aware of how it feels to live in many countries in the world, but the opposite happened. It didn't help to be experiencing it amongst the sheltered rednecks that inhabited my small, religious school.
One day I was watching a TV program and some car dealership ad had an American flag on it. I was so pissed I turned off the TV. I was so sick of these reminders that so many of my fellow citzens would not become more educated about the world after an experience like this, but instead see it as a merchindising opportunity. Something struck me, I could just turn off the TV, but someone in NY didn't have that option, they had it right in front of them. I sent him a postcard saying this, and how sorry I was.
Months later, when I returned back to the "real world" (the city) I made the decision to move back where I would be more likely to recover and prevent another suicide attempt. I was at home on the computer, and out of boredom looked up my college e-mail account. He had called the school looking for me! I e-mailed him and he called me at least 6 times before he got a hold of me!
I was still on the brink of suicide. I was working as a pancake waitress, with no goals for my future but to not kill myself. I had two roommates, an ex-heroin addict who had become a born again bisexual "punk" Christian, and a 19 year old closeted flamer that wanted every minute of my time and attention. My life sucked. But NYNDM's voice, and his compliments of my CHARACTER, reminded me of the person I used to be, and gave me the will to live. I had never considered dating an older man, but he was so wonderful. He not only helped me see life was worth living, but he was the first person I felt willing to open my heart for, I saw myself in him. (Oh, and a straight man who likes musical theater is always a bonus!)
We talked for hours. While suffering through my NIGHTMARE training for the airline, he kept me sane. I really bonded with him, and I wanted to tell the world I had found someone. I cared so much about him, I wanted him to be my boyfriend. But I didn't feel comfortable saying I was "seeing" someone when I hadn't "seen" anything but pictures for 2 years. I really wanted to go to the next level. In spite of my fat-ass at the time I wanted to show him physically how I felt about him. And I wanted to see New York! Money was tight, I really couldn't afford the $25 it cost to fly their direct, and he was wary of driving all the way to white plains, where I could fly for free. At one point I decided, "fuck it" I would splurge on the $25 and come see him.
I tryed and tryed to schedule a visit with him. This was very difficult for me as it was, my body was adjusting to flying, and he seemed unable to find a time to see me either. I finally reached the boiling point, I broke up with him. If I couldn't see him, and even more importantly couldn't have sex with him, then we didn't have a relationship.
I dated a few more people, but kept thinking of him. A year later, while doing well in the man department, I wrote him an IM, not with romantic intentions, just to be in touch. He helped me so much during my depressed time, I just wanted him to know that. He called me and it was like a waterfall, we were swept back together before I even realized it. I knew this time it would work, I wasn't as depressed, I was slimmer and more confident, and I had the money and time to come see him. I was going to do everything in my power to make it work, so if it didn't I could know there was no "what if" because I had done all I could.
I had one thing in my head though, he has to be real. No more phone-boyfriend. We had to spend time looking in each-other's eyes and go places together, or it wasn't real. I was patient, but made it clear how eager I was to see him. I was willing to re-arrange my schedule because I knew he was busy. I did this for maybe 2 months, and then I started to get pissed. I wrote him an angry e-mail. Fish or cut bait basically. And he stepped up to the plate! He called me every day (except weekends) and said he would take some time off work to see me.
So we had a plan. It would be a Monday and a Tuesday. The previous Thursday he said "this week might not work out" and I accepted that possibility because he was doing something for the Kerry campaign, I wouldn't argue with that! But he never called to give me a difinative "no," he just left me hanging. On Monday, when I was supposed to be on the plane to see him, he called to tell me about his weekend. No apologies, no explainations. The event wasn't even on the day I was supposed to come see him so there was no excuse. To add insult to injury he did an ultimate name drop. He told me a story of how he hung out with an actor I am fond of at a Red Sox/Yankees game, because they bonded as sox fans in NY. It was as if to say "I blew you off this weekend, but its okay, because I hung out with someone important, unlike you, who is completely disposable."
I broke up with him that day or the next. I was devastated and relieved at the same time. I was seeing a more down to earth man a little before him, and the juxtaposition really showed what a big phony NYNDM was. The funny thing is I think he liked me better when I was depressed! I think I was much more reverant to his "important" job (oh so important- casting underweight people in flashy, expensive ads to make Americans feel overweight and poor so they buy stuff to feel better about themselves.) I do think he had some great qualties in him, but he was much too caught up in this Manhattan image to see what a caricature he was.
Even though I knew I had made the right choice, it was hard to give up the idea of the man who was able to open my rock-hard heart. If he was worse than all the rest, how could I keep my heart from closing up again? This is where the "Sex" therapy came in. I went to the Blockbuster nearby, got the unlimited membership and started watching them from the beginning.
As I watched I analyzed, something weird was going on with him, what was it? I came up with 3 possibilities. The first, the most likely one: he was married. He never called on weekends or from home. Two: He was "slumming." There is a "Sex" episode where Carrie meets a friend who has a secret girlfriend who he likes but is embarrased by. NYNDM kept saying he wanted to go to Disneyworld or something, where he wouldn't be "bothered by the actor waiters" LOL, poor guy. Three: He was impotent. What kind of guy keeps a girlfriend around who isnt giving him any sex? What kind of guy keeps a girlfriend around who says "I want to come see you and fuck your brains out" and doesn't show up on her doorstep the next day? an impotent one, that's who! I brought up these possibilites to Linda and she had the best answer: "It's probably all three" LMAO!
Sex And The City offered me an escape from the pain in my life, while keeping my mind on resolving the problem. More importantly, it drew my attention to something more valuable than dating...girlfriends. The show is not about the sex, its about the friendships, and I missed mine. I realized from watching that I have been ignoring the people that really matter, and I have been a better friend ever since.
Now as I am feeling very lonely and very horny I think it is time for more "Sex" therapy. I used to be very open and sex-positive, but I kept developing feelings for unworthy people and realized that sex might be a little too powerful to mess with casually (besides- my oats have been sown...plenty.) So I am horny as hell but don't want to have sex with any more jerks.
And I know its going to be a long time. The Beautiful German has not written me since his nice e-mail, and it is approaching a month since our tryst. Kareem sent me a laughable e-mail saying he "still" has feelings for me TWO WEEKS after I wrote him saying "Don't do me any favors...you are wasting my time if you not interested" and my ex-friend was a reminder of how many men that I have slept with didn't care for me for anything but what I gave them.
It doesn't make it any easier to fly with two men for a week straight. The F/O last week was adorable, sweet and single. But he wasn't for me, and I don't want to "dip my pen in the company ink" like some people. Oh speaking of- she STILL kept calling me- so I wrote a direct but complety respectable note saying I don't want to be her friend because I was nice to her but she lied to and about me and to stop calling my house. I didn't even bring up the lesbionic stuff, no reason to, it is perfectly acceptable to be madly in love with me LOL.
So I am going to be celibate for ages it seems. I hate that. I worry that with The Beautiful German I was too aggressive, because it had been so long. I don't want to scare off potential dates with my eagerness, nor do I want to lie to myself and say I like a guy, just to get him into bed. I get tempted to call Timothy Bearclaw, my own personal sex-god, but I like to think I have moved on from such things.
So until I meet someone I will enjoy "Sex" with Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha. Maybe with a little help from my little latex friend named "The Ambassador."
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Dr. T was so right! If I saw a program where a person turned out like me after the loss of a parent through death, another parent through divorce, and then an entire adolecence of neglect, I would say "Wow- he/she really beat the odds! They may not be a CEO, but for what they came from, they are remarkable!"
She was right, part of my problem is I am not understanding the reality, I am a traumitzed child. I can't compare my situation to people from intact, nurturing families, because they have the major advantage of healthy childhood development. (side note- they don't deserve my ire for not seeing what they have. Everyone should HAVE a healthy family. My situation SHOULD be the exception. I have to stop turning my envy into judgement.)
I can see the core of this inability to recognize my "traumitized child" status. No-one else did. At least my dad didn't (naturally- he caused the most damaging trauma!) When the term "dysfunctional family" came out I was so pleased! "Thats us daddy- see, I am right, I am not getting what I need! Now that we have a name for it we can fix it! Daddy? Daddy can you hear me? Please wake up! Dad, please wake up and come inside so we can lock the door, I am scared" He would guilt me for saying we were a dysfunctional family. We were "non-traditional." I was getting what I needed: "love."
He often would tell me that he loved me, that I was a "good kid" and that he was proud of me. I know these things helped me, I am glad I had that much, but I needed more. His refusal to admit that I wasn't doing well, and my family not removing me from his care sent me the message that my environment was acceptable. This meant my feelings of severe anxiety and instability were character flaws, not a result of an anxious and instable environment.
I think I need to keep reminding myself about the impact of abuse/neglect/parental drug abuse on kids. It really brings me back to reality. I am setting myself up for failure to compare my accomplishments to other people's, because the starting line was different. I have lived in a fantasy where I have convinced myself (I don't know if other people are convinced) that I am from a normal, middle-class background. I think it's more pleasant to imagine that when you are terrified of the future. Perhaps now that I have developed a bit of stability and security, I am ready to remember things. To remember my real adolecence, not the one I tried to invent by joining cheerleading and danceline.
No, the world does not need to know that I was traumitized during my brain development, but I need to.
Saturday, April 23, 2005
This week I thought I was going crazy. I was very concerned.
I have been really sensitive, I have been wanting to eat tons of crap, and I almost snapped on some passengers, wrote what I wanted to say.
Turns out- it was only PMS! Yay!
Final Summation: I am not psycho, except for one week a month- YAY :)
mood: PMSy, fat
On day one I was still crabby and in shock from the accusation. I had the cast of the tour of "Chicago" who were cool, but also this little twerp who was acting as if I were a waitress who serves 50 people at one time, wants to give you everything, but doesn't expect a tip. When this kid got on the plane he put his feet in the seatback pocket! (I didn't tell him to take them out. I can't remember being told of any Federal Aviation Regulations against putting your feet in the seatback pocket :))As he left the flight this kid gave me the wierdest smile like "you can swoon now" I recognized him now...it was the boy who is famous for being the little brother of a boy who is famous for being in a boy band.
Last night we "hit the town" in Philidelphia. This afternoon we went to a great resturaunt called "Panini's" in Philly, and we are going to go look at tourist sites soon :)
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
He apologizes, and asks you to understand where he is coming from, having been a victim of identity theft. He says he would forgive you if it happened the other way around.
WAIT, don't answer yet. He comes from a country that is famous for corruption (no, not the US) Almost every person I have met from this country has warned me not to trust people from this country.
Assuming that what is said about this country is true, that there is a large handful of corrupt people (no judgement implied-I assume if it is not just a stereotype it is likely rooted in colonialism & poverty) if you were raised in a culture where people try to scam you alot, you might approach this situation like he did. It might seem less extreme to accuse your own friend of identity theft if you have had friends scam you before.
WOULD YOU FORGIVE HIM?
I am not saying I can necessarily forgive him. I can forgive him but I don't know if I will ever care about him or trust him again. But I still want people's opinions, to help validate or challenge my feelings.
BTW Thanks Spider and
Jay for validating what bullshit this was- I felt like I was in the twilight zone, thanks for bringing me back.
Thanks Satan for being sensitive and not picking on me yet. Maybe you feel guilty for putting the dishonesty into the identity thief, and mistrust into the accuser, or maybe you are being careful in order to avoid another one of OG's stilettos ;)
he said [7:55:38 PM]: can i ask u something
he said [7:55:41 PM]: ?
I typed [7:56:01 PM]: what?
he said [7:56:07 PM]: remember when u asked me when my date of birth was
I typed [7:56:12 PM]: no
he said [7:56:21 PM]: and i asked y
he said [7:56:29 PM]: come on remember
I typed [7:56:32 PM]: you know this is me, (my name) right?
I typed [7:56:53 PM]: I may have, to know your birthday
he said [7:56:57 PM]: and ur answer was that u wanted to send me a gift on ma birthday
I typed [7:56:59 PM]: but no, I don't remember
he said [7:57:21 PM]: but how come u have never sent me stuff on ma birthday
he said [7:57:38 PM]: u know why
I typed [7:57:52 PM]: probably because we hadn't spoken for years
he said [7:57:56 PM]: because u had a different motive
I typed [7:57:59 PM]: and you never got anything for me
he said [7:58:04 PM]: no
I typed [7:58:06 PM]: fuck you, no I didnt
I typed [7:58:16 PM]: you have time now, meet me now
he said [7:58:23 PM]: i am still talking about 3 yrs ago
I typed [7:58:46 PM]: I didn't do whatever you are accusing me of, I want to meet with you to prove it
he said [7:58:56 PM]: k
he said [7:59:06 PM]: we'll meet at ten
I typed [7:59:27 PM]: why not earlier, you have time now to accuse me of things, you should have time to let me defend myself
I typed [7:59:39 PM]: I dont deserve this
I typed [7:59:54 PM]: the only thing I have ever done wrong to you is not taking you to wal-mart
I typed [8:00:14 PM]: this is bullshit and you should at least give me the benifit of the doubt
I typed [8:00:57 PM]: you havent even fucking told me what "I did" yet
I typed [8:01:05 PM]: this is such a crock of shit
I typed [8:01:08 PM]: by the way
I typed [8:01:34 PM]: if you are so concerned about it why havent you brought it up until the day before I have a 5 day trip?
I typed [8:01:50 PM]: You better fucking bring the books I gave you to return them to me
I typed [8:01:57 PM]: I can't believe this
I typed [8:02:08 PM]: at first I thought you were going to give me a chance
I typed [8:02:20 PM]: but now you are just throwing insults at me
I typed [8:03:02 PM]: And now you cant respond?
I typed [8:03:14 PM]: Its because you know I am fucking telling the treuth
I typed [8:03:21 PM]: and you are being really unkind
I typed [8:03:31 PM]: Maybe you have had too much weed and steroids
I typed [8:04:24 PM]: I am not going to meet you if you dint respond
I typed [8:04:32 PM]: I have THE RIGHT to defend myself
I typed [8:04:46 PM]: I didnt do what ever this stupid fucking thing is
I typed [8:05:33 PM]: What the hell happened to you? When you got here you were an intelectual
I typed [8:05:43 PM]: now you act like a football player
I typed [8:06:02 PM]: I DONT DESERVE THIS
I typed [8:06:33 PM]: respond
I typed [8:06:52 PM]: If you don't respond it proves I am right
I typed [8:07:03 PM]: I HAVE the proof!
I typed [8:07:48 PM]: Why didnt you send ME a birthday present?
I typed [8:07:51 PM]: I know why
I typed [8:08:00 PM]: because all you wanted was to FUCK me
I typed [8:08:10 PM]: you never gave a shit about me besides that
I typed [8:08:23 PM]: you probably had a girlfriend at the time
I typed [8:08:42 PM]: see how it feels to have someone accuse you of things? it doesnt feel good does it?
I typed [8:09:14 PM]: You fucking accuse me of anything again without giving me a chance to respond I will call the fucking cops
I typed [8:09:26 PM]: dont accuse me of something I didnt do!
I typed [8:10:19 PM]: what are you afraid of?
I typed [8:10:26 PM]: why arent you responding?
I typed [8:10:54 PM]: what are you afraid of? Knowing you have hurt me by accusing me of something untrue?
he said [8:11:44 PM]: dont have to get all crazy on me
I typed [8:12:01 PM]: you would be mad too if someone accused you of something you didnt do
he said [8:12:04 PM]: i just cant believe anyone could do shit like that
I typed [8:12:09 PM]: I DIDNT
I typed [8:12:25 PM]: you are accusing me of "it"
he said [8:12:36 PM]: well calm down till i see you cos now u r acting like u really did it
I typed [8:12:38 PM]: and I dont even fucking know what "it" is!
I typed [8:12:47 PM]: what would you do?
I typed [8:13:04 PM]: if someone said "you wanted my birthday so you could hurt me"
he said [8:13:09 PM]: show you my proof
I typed [8:13:12 PM]: you didnt even give me a chance!
he said [8:13:21 PM]: well
I typed [8:13:27 PM]: fine, but show me it before accusing me
I typed [8:13:38 PM]: or tell me what I did
he said [8:13:38 PM]: i dont know how else i could have done this
he said [8:13:47 PM]: cos all i want is the truth
I typed [8:13:56 PM]: If I did it I will tell you
I typed [8:14:09 PM]: but I cant confess to something, if I dont know what it is
I typed [8:14:43 PM]: I deserve the benifit of the doubt, just as you would if you were accused of something
he said [8:16:23 PM]: what r u talking about weed and steroids
he said [8:16:26 PM]: for
I typed [8:16:36 PM]: because you are being so mean
he said [8:16:46 PM]: do u really thing thats what i do
I typed [8:16:48 PM]: my feelings are hurt and I lashed out
I typed [8:16:55 PM]: well you have been strange lately
he said [8:16:57 PM]: wow
he said [8:17:04 PM]: this is a new one
he said [8:17:17 PM]: i never knew that was what u thot of me
I typed [8:17:18 PM]: but I was trying to give you the benifit of the doubt
he said [8:17:35 PM]: k gotta go now
I typed [8:17:36 PM]: because I would be angry too if I thought someone had done me wrong
he said [8:17:43 PM]: american idol is on
I typed [8:18:00 PM]: if you watch american idol instead of meeting with me
he said [8:18:05 PM]: no
I typed [8:18:07 PM]: than why should I stay up late?
he said [8:18:15 PM]: we agrred to meet at 10pm
he said [8:18:34 PM]: oh no you r not staying up late
I typed [8:19:02 PM]: I dont understand this (his name)
I typed [8:19:09 PM]: I dont even know if this is you
he said [8:19:18 PM]: i dont understand it either
I typed [8:19:29 PM]: I wonder if this is actually his ex girlfriend, finally got his password
he said [8:19:37 PM]: lol
I typed [8:20:14 PM]: Should we instead meet next week, and fill out police reports?
I typed [8:20:27 PM]: I didn't do anything, I have nothing to hide
I typed [8:20:34 PM]: involving the cops will prove it
I typed [8:20:53 PM]: they can investigate me and everything
I typed [8:21:52 PM]: if we found proof would you apoligize
I typed [8:21:54 PM]: ?
I typed [8:27:42 PM]: Okay, its official
I typed [8:28:02 PM]: We did not AGREE to 10, I was only willing to meet at ten to help you
I typed [8:28:10 PM]: next week, at a police station
I typed [8:28:18 PM]: we will fill out police reprote
I typed [8:28:21 PM]: reports
I typed [8:28:29 PM]: I have nothing to hide
he said [8:31:40 PM]: k
he said [8:32:00 PM]: do u want me to believe that u didnt do it
I typed [8:32:05 PM]: yes
he said [8:32:26 PM]: now tell me why i should believe you
he said [8:32:38 PM]: i really trusted you
he said [8:32:52 PM]: but i dont know what to think anymore
he said [8:33:13 PM]: cos
he said [8:33:25 PM]: something is goin on right now
I typed [8:33:31 PM]: I really want to feel compassionate, but on my mothers name I didnt do anything, but you are still accusing me
I typed [8:33:37 PM]: it hurts my feelings
I typed [8:33:52 PM]: I want to help you figure it out
he said [8:34:01 PM]: you need to be considerate
he said [8:34:08 PM]: for a bit
I typed [8:34:21 PM]: but it hurts to be accused, especially to turn something like asking your birthday into something vicious
he said [8:34:24 PM]: i am only trying to get the truth outta you
I typed [8:34:42 PM]: I am sorry about insulting you a few minutes ago
he said [8:34:55 PM]: and u r telling me
I typed [8:35:02 PM]: but you are being inconsiderate by watching TV instead of meeting with me
he said [8:35:18 PM]: something u think i should believe it is the truth
he said [8:35:25 PM]: no
he said [8:35:34 PM]: i was actually studying b4
I typed [8:35:48 PM]: but you just said "american idol is on"
he said [8:36:02 PM]: i noticed american idol was half done
I typed [8:36:12 PM]: whats going on?
I typed [8:36:23 PM]: will you call me, I am suspicious that it isnt you
he said [8:36:30 PM]: well i recieved a letter telling me that
he said [8:37:00 PM]: my info is being used and that i should start taking corrective actions
I typed [8:37:23 PM]: If I found that out I would be upset to
I typed [8:37:34 PM]: dont you think the police is corrective actions?
I typed [8:37:51 PM]: If I did this, would I want to go to the police?
I typed [8:37:55 PM]: I really do
I typed [8:38:02 PM]: I am implicated in this
he said [8:38:06 PM]: and i thot about the time i lost stuff from ma wallet that contained ma ss card
he said [8:38:17 PM]: of course i would go to them
I typed [8:38:19 PM]: if my name is involved, a crime is being commited on me too
I typed [8:38:25 PM]: well lets do that then!
he said [8:38:34 PM]: but at the same time i wanted to know if it was u
I typed [8:38:41 PM]: Its not me
he said [8:38:51 PM]: cos i dont want u to get in deep trouble
I typed [8:39:01 PM]: I wont get in trouble
I typed [8:39:08 PM]: I didnt do anything
he said [8:39:49 PM]: i just wanted u to say u did it and appologise
I typed [8:39:50 PM]: I will meet with you today, but we have to involve the police also
he said [8:40:07 PM]: cos i dont think the damage so far is too much
I typed [8:40:22 PM]: I didnt steal your wallet, your SS card, your photo, anything
he said [8:40:38 PM]: i am already dealing with the police
I typed [8:40:42 PM]: good
I typed [8:40:53 PM]: my phone number is ###-###-####
I typed [8:40:56 PM]: have them call me
he said [8:40:58 PM]: u r not involved in anyway
I typed [8:41:00 PM]: have them visit me
he said [8:41:08 PM]: dont worry
he said [8:41:15 PM]: yet
he said [8:41:23 PM]: but they r working on it
he said [8:41:32 PM]: if it was not u
he said [8:41:43 PM]: i am sure the truth would come out
I typed [8:41:43 PM]: well if my name is involved, I want them to call me
I typed [8:41:52 PM]: will you apoligize?
he said [8:41:59 PM]: i said u r not involved yet
I typed [8:42:02 PM]: I am
I typed [8:42:10 PM]: I have been accused, I am involved
he said [8:42:17 PM]: nope
he said [8:42:38 PM]: i didnt want to get you involved until i heard from u
I typed [8:42:48 PM]: but you accused me
he said [8:43:06 PM]: it was a way of getting the truth
I typed [8:43:07 PM]: what if something happened to me, and I accused you, before asking you
I typed [8:43:22 PM]: well it shows how much you care about my feelings
I typed [8:43:46 PM]: which precint did you report this at?
he said [8:43:51 PM]: i am sorry if i hurt your feelings but u gotta think about mine too
he said [8:44:06 PM]: cos i am a victim of fraud right now
I typed [8:44:07 PM]: I was, at first
I typed [8:44:24 PM]: but you accused me of things without giving me a chance
I typed [8:44:38 PM]: what precint is it
I typed [8:44:48 PM]: I want to call them and request they investigate me
I typed [8:44:57 PM]: so my name is clear
he said [8:45:02 PM]: k i believe you
he said [8:45:06 PM]: now
I typed [8:45:11 PM]: please tell me
he said [8:45:39 PM]: cant tell u anything that will hurt the case
he said [8:45:48 PM]: they r still investigating
he said [8:45:59 PM]: this is ma future ma life
he said [8:46:06 PM]: so be reasonable now
I typed [8:46:11 PM]: how would it hurt the case if I call them and tell them I have been accused of something?
he said [8:46:42 PM]: u have not been accused of anything
he said [8:46:47 PM]: period
I typed [8:46:50 PM]: Hmm, ah yeah I have
he said [8:47:17 PM]: i am just conducting ma own investigation on ma own
I typed [8:47:35 PM]: so you lied, you havent filled out a police report?
he said [8:47:46 PM]: i lost ma wallet when i was with u 3 yrs ago
he said [8:48:07 PM]: and a few months later you asked for my date of birth
he said [8:48:23 PM]: so that gives me reason to be suspicious
he said [8:48:39 PM]: dont ask me that
he said [8:48:45 PM]: i cant tell u that
I typed [8:48:49 PM]: okay
he said [8:50:02 PM]: u there
he said [8:50:21 PM]: can we still meet tonite
he said [8:51:49 PM]: can we?
I typed [9:00:29 PM]: will you please call me?
he said [9:00:52 PM]: k
I typed [9:06:58 PM]: will you please call me right now? you have my number
It was actually him. He was trying the "I know what you did" thing to get me to tell him what I did.
Yes, I did get my apology.
First, I'm almost late for class.
I come home to a letter from my grandpa about his wishes for his death.
I call work, and find out I can't swap my schedule, which means I may miss my next appointment with Dr. T.
Then, I am accused of doing something immoral and illegal, and I don't even know what it is.
Since I haven't swapped to a new trip, I have to work tomorrow, and so I had to rush downtown for shoes to go with our new uniforms. Payless shoe store is gone, so I had to spend $22 on a pair of Target shoes, probably the same quality as the Payless would be, and when I am there I see a girl who myself and 2 other bitches ditched in elementary school to sit with the popular girls, leaving her all alone, humiliated. Oh, and a few years later her dad died.
I am just wondering whats next.
Oh, and I realized it's April 20th 4/20, and I can't smoke weed anymore, because my company drug tests. Who needs it though? My life feels confusing and bizarrely amusing without it!
he typed: wanna know why we have not lkingbeen t
I typed: yes please
he typed: wanna know why we have not been talking
I typed: yes please
he typed: really
I typed: ok, I will be strong
he typed: be honest with me
I typed: Yes
I typed: I can take it, I like honesty, even if it hurts
he typed: y did u do it
I typed: do what?
he typed: have you ever done anything tome
he typed: as in anything wrong
I typed: no, and if I did, I would hope you would tell me
he typed: i want the honest truth
I typed: I swear on my mom's name I cant remember anything
I typed: I was afraid you were using me when I met you
I typed: that wasn;t nice
I typed: thats all I can remember
I typed: I thought I apoligized for that
I typed: if not, I do apoligize, it wasn't fair.
he typed: hey
he typed: what have you done wrong to me
he typed: i thot we were friends
I typed: Please remind me so I learn from it.
he typed: but i saw some proof of wrong doin pointing towards you
I typed: (his name), I don't do intentionally unkind things
he typed: remember when i was looking for my ex's pic and..... years ago
he typed: i finally found who took it
I typed: You think I stole a picture from you?
he typed: but i would not do anything but i want to know why
he typed: not a pic
he typed: come on dont play dumb on me
he typed: you know what i am talking about
I typed: I am serious (His name), I am not playing dumb
he typed: hey
he typed: you dont want me to get mad do you?
I typed: Go ahead and get mad
he typed: k
I typed: but please be clear
he typed: ttyl
I typed: (His name), what reason do I have to play dumb
I typed: I know I was not fully trusting of you years ago
he typed: we will see who is really gonna be in trouble
I typed: but that was laa men
I typed: Why dont you be clear please
I typed: years ago it was all men I didnt trust
I typed: please just say what you mean?
he typed: what did u do with ma SS card?
I typed: I will take accountability for anything I do wrong
he typed: social security card
I typed: You think I took your social security card?
I typed: What motivation would I have to take that?
he typed: still not being truthful
he typed: good
I typed: Honestly, why would I?
he typed: i would show you why i am saying all this
I typed: What makes you think of me?
he typed: it is big proof
I typed: (His name)
he typed: dont worry till i get done
I typed: I have had nothing to do with your SScard
he typed: i will show you what i have
he typed: so u can explain it
I typed: I am not concerned, I know my name will be cleared
he typed: ok
I typed: I am really curious though
he typed: where con we meet tomorrow
he typed: can i meant
I typed: we can meet now at caribou
he typed: u mean u did not do it
I typed: No
I typed: absoulutly on my mothers grave!
I typed: I wouldnt say that
he typed: then why do i have ur old cell phone number
he typed: on ma shit
I typed: what have I done to you that is psycho
I typed: and what have other people done to you that is psycho
I typed: maybe it was revenge from me "stealing" you from your psycho ex?
I typed: do you want to meet today?
I typed: We can walk into a police station together
he typed: i want to know what has been goin on
I typed: I swear I dont even know what tyou are talking about (I am guessing things)
he typed: k what do you think happened
I typed: I dont blame you
I typed: well I am guessing some identity theft thing
he typed: but do u remember when this happened
I typed: no, all I remember is you had said your ex had my address, which I thought was sortof creepy
he typed: in a computer lab in the west bank
he typed: i am talking about 3 yrs ago
I typed: No, I really don't remember, can you remind me?
he typed: or rather 4 yrs ago
he typed: k
he typed: i will bring what i have
he typed: just dont worry
he typed: we will see tomorrow
I typed: do you want to meet now?
he typed: k?
I typed: I do
he typed: i have stuff to take care of today
I typed: just a sec, let me check my work schedule
he typed: i will let you know when i get done
I typed: ok, because I think I work tomorrow
I typed: I do work tomorrow, can we meet tonight?
I typed: I still wish you would tell me what its about
he typed: i will show you tonite then
I typed: thanks, what time?
I typed: this is freaky
he typed: i lknow it is
he typed: cos i never thot u could do shit like that
I typed: I doubt I could
he typed: cos i truely thot u were a friend
I typed: I have done things wrong to mes hearts
I typed: but I dont break the law (except traffic violations)
I typed: mans
I typed: what time can we meet?
he typed: how about 10pm
I typed: ok, but if you can make it earlier please do, because I have to get up early for work the next day K?
he typed: 10,is the time i have
I typed: Ok, but please squeeze me in if something sooner opens up
I typed: do you want me to bring anything?
he typed: do you remeber your old cell no
I typed: no, can you give me a date, I may have files with it
I typed: what company was it?
I typed: I have had verizon & tracphone
he typed: i will show u all i have
I typed: do you have a date? of when incident (incidents) occured?
he typed: see u tonite
I typed: so I can look in my records
My grandma is already gone, and he has been terribly lonely without her. I am much healthier now than I was a few years ago, so I think I have a much better chance of surviving it, but I am just falling to pieces thinking about it.
I am feeling very selfish right now. Grandpa is depressed and tired. He is losing his memory and is not as focused as he used to be. This is normal. It happens. So does grieving. I cant wish this away. I can't run away from this.
This just sets my mind off. If Grandpa dies, that means my Grandpa on my dad's side will die eventually too. This also means the impossible. My Grandma on my dads side will die too. And they are old. It will likely happen in the next 20 years. My aunt who is a surragate mom to me will die.
The only death I don't fear is my Dad's. I know when he dies I will finally be able to love him truely, I will not need to hate him anymore. He will never be able to hurt me again when he dies. I also know that when he dies he will no longer be in pain.
I am healthy enough now to see suicide as a far off thing. When Grandpa dies I am going to have to FEEL the pain, and deal with it. No more turning into a rock. No more trying to be cheerful, as if pushing it aside will accomplish anything. I am going to have to be a grown up and cry. To actually deal with it and cope.
I hate the fact that I am bawling so loudly that I am sure the neighbors can hear. I hate that I have been crying for nearly a half hour. But I know the alternitive. Its holding it all in, like holding your breath for years and years. Or cruder, but perhaps more accurate, holding in your bowels for years. What starts as normal, healthy waste will become rotten and poisonous if not released.
I have done that before. As a teen one night after crying for the hundreth time about my dad drinking I decided I needed to stop crying about it. I knew I couldn't fall apart every time he did this, I had to keep my head together since I was the only one looking out for me anymore. It worked too well. I stopped being able to cry anymore at all.
Not crying at all hardened me and I became sort of mean. By forcing myself to stop crying, I guess I also sent a message to myself that I don't have the RIGHT to cry. These are the cards I was dealt and so I had to play them, crying about the cards I got wasn't going to give me better cards. I made the mistake of witholding compassion, for myself and others. When I look back, my frozen heart reminds me of the hearts of those politicians and voters who don't want to fund school lunch programs because they want to punish the parents for procreating. My politics remained morally upright, (perhaps I was giving other people in my situation the compassion I needed for myself) but my thoughts were mean and judgemental.
This pattern changed when I became suicidal, and now I am learning that I still have work to do on how I should treat myself. All in all, I know this work is worth it. To be able to cry for a half hour is a blessing. In the past few years I would have swallowed it all down. Figuratively and literally, I would have eaten food instead of letting myself feel the feelings. Sadness is a blessing. Anger is a blessing. Grief is a blessing. They are all feelings, which need to be experienced to remain a healthy, balanced human being. The alternative, holding the feelings in, to return to an earlier metaphor, is shitty.
For no reason other than my natural inclination to fidget with things I had the safety pin on the battery, completing the circut I guess, but it wasn't sparking or anything. I was just fiddling with it and left the safety pin laying on top of the battery.
The battery got warm! oops. I don't know why exactly I thought it was appropriate to lay a piece of metal across battery terminals or whatever they are called.
Yes, I have been too busy doing things like this to post.
BTW I just touched the battery to my lips. Bright. Maybe I should go to bed now.
Sunday, April 17, 2005
At 3:00 today I was just seething. Really angry. It's
been hard for me to figure out whats going on.
I just ate a large portion of not-fried
chinese-american food and had a large frozen yogurt
cone, and the anger is better.
This means one of 2 things was going on. One, maybe I
haven't had enough calories, my moods were very
consistant with having low blood sugar. Now perhaps I
have replenished my glucose, and thats why I feel
alright with the world.
The other alternative is this anger is a step towards
my growth. Maybe it is one of the layers being exposed
as the other layers of dysfunction are being peeled
away. If this is what is going on, I have just
effectively self-medicated with food.
The verdict I have, since I do not know what the
reason for my angry mood this trip and the reason it
has been quelled now, is that I need to closely
monitor my food intake, make sure it is a healthy
level, not too little, not too much, and healthy types
of food, so I can create a baseline of my moods
without the influence of food negative or positive.
I must also keep close monitor of my moods every few
hours. It is much easier to notice great or awful
moods than it is to notice calm, uneventful moods.
mood: hella better!
Saturday, April 16, 2005
This theory started last trip on the day I went to Chili's with the FO. Chilis has some delicious "southwestern egg rolls" which are basically beans and cheese in an eggroll shell and fried, with a cream dipping sauce. Him and I split an "appetizer assortment" he added a cup of soup, I did not. I figure if I am eating calorie laden crap I need not add extra calories.
Well about a half hour(how long it takes to digest)later I felt sort of down and insecure. I didn't analyze this too much because soon after I met the beautiful German. Since I have started doing better I have been sad, anxious, shy, or angry plenty of times, but not depressed.
Well now it has happened again! I have felt sort of rotten since starting this trip. I really shouldn't be feeling crappy, I should be feeling great, I am seeing results in therapy and my classes are nearly done. But I have felt really blah. I have had very short work days but I have done less trash collections than usual, a signal that I am getting lost in my own head/magazines and losing touch with my enviornment. I am not connecting with people as well, and in fact I am getting some of the hyper-sensitivity that has plauged my life (like I'll get insulted just by a look or a tone of voice.)
So what is different from this trip as opposed to any of the others? Well for one we have new uniforms. I feel pretty ugly, which can affect my mood, but I dont think I acually look ugly, I think its in my head. I am really wondering if it is what I have been eating!
For lunch on friday I had a salad, but it was an iceberg lettuce (yuck) salad so I decided to put ranch dressing on it to make it palatable. I usually have a low fat vinagrette or italian, and I use it sparingly, the flavor comes from the greens. I figured it would be fine to use this ranch dressing because the meal would be about 350 calories. Then for dinner I found an awesome steak salad. I put blue cheese dressing on it. On this day I was craving chocolate (I always love chocolate, but I never crave it) So that evening I ate an ice cream sandwich. This morning I had a fatty muffin, some fruit and half a belgian waffle. For lunch I had my usual breakfast. For dinner I had a large burrito, one of those huge ones that are 2 portion sizes and ate the whole thing, plus the chips. I was alarmed by that at first, but seeing the small volume of food I had eaten today I think I was just hungry. I also ate some candy from my captian.
My calories may have been fine, but what I was eating may have caused my depressed moods! I had eaten very high-fat, high-sugar food these two days. I read in "psychology today" about "smart foods." They said that eating too much fat creates a "sludge" in your brain. This is literally how I felt.
I have already learned about an ugly relationship I have with sugar. Sugar spikes your blood sugar, so insulin pours in and your blood sugar crashes, leading you to crave more sugar. Interestingly I have found a connection between sugar and my body pain too.
I am going to go back to my healthy eating, I hope it makes a difference. I would be happy to find out that I have to eat healthy to keep from being depressed. When I discovered sugar pop gave me backaches I had to stop drinking it! How empowering that would be to know I could strongly affect the depression by my diet! There is even a book about this, called "Potatoes not Prozac." It suggests that many people with depression actually have a "sugar sensitivity" I purchased it years ago but was so tied into the sugar high/low cycle I never believed I could stick to it. I think it is time to pull it back out.
I will closely monitor my moods to see if it makes a difference! Wouldn't that be great if it's true! I feel so great after eating a salad with olive oil...I am getting excited imagining the possibilities!
You know what else improves depression...getting adequate sleep.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Yesterday I went to a baseball game with my sister Linda. We had a blast. It was fun watching the game, but we could not have been more stereotypical, we talked non-stop for nearly the entire 2nd half of the game! If thats not bad enough we talked about weight loss and other stereotypical women things. Yes we were rude. I wish we had sat farther away from every one so we were less abnoxious, but in our defense, we were in our own row, and the people around us were in their own rows one or two behind us.
3 times last night we broke out in uncontrollable laughing. People, when this happens, cherish it. The ability is not guarunteed. During the last 3 years I hardly was able to laugh at all. I could be amused, but the laughter rarely came naturally. The first laughing fit was on the city bus, when I made a sweet, but politically incorrect statement about hallucinations. The second time was at the game, when I absentmindedly spit ice cubes back into the soda we were sharing. The third time had to be the funniest. Linda is training to run a 10K, she is training with walking intervals. There is a term called "Fartlek" a Swedish word for "speed play" that I read about in the very excellent book Galloway's Book on Running (I highly recommend this book. For someone who has never run a minute in their life, to someone training for a marathon- I could write a whole post on how much I like that book) Linda was saying something negative about her training, something suggesting she should be doing more. I was adamantly against her thinking, I have overtrained myself into exaustion dozens of times, which doesn't improve your health, it just sends you back to the couch! I reacted with intensity "NO! Fartleking is the best possible thing to be doing! Trust me I have ALOT of experience in this!" If that doesn't sound funny enough as is, apparently a guy down the row heard what I had said, and made a face appropriate to hearing such a statement out of context!
A big mistake I made was drinking half of a huge diet coke at 9 in the evening. If I have any caffeine after six I usually have trouble sleeping. When I got home I got on the computer, but I stayed on longer than was healthy. I was mildly obsessed, at 2 I was tired but I kept saying "one more thing, one more thing" and didn't get myself to bed until 4 in the morning. I woke up a half hour after class started! I am pleased to say this never happens to me. I often sleep in until the last minute, but not PAST the last minute. I was embarrassed but I went as fast as possible. I skipped breakfast and REALLY noticed the difference in my eating habits today.
After class I did accomplish things in a way that made me happy. I went to H&R block, and afterward made the decision to stop at the tailors on the way home in a really relaxed, boring way "like getting a tank of gas" as Dr. T said it should feel like. I was very pleased with my accomplishments for the day, and tried to dwell on them instead of my unhealthy choice of drinking soda last night.
As my reward, I tried to watch the "Coupling" DVD, but fell asleep. I don't know if it was my tiredness, but I did not like it much. I usually love anything the BBC offers. I love "Absolutely Fabulous", and recently fell in love with "The Office" but the humor on this show didn't seem as nuanced as the type of comedy I like. Maybe I was tired, maybe I was having painful flashbacks from the American episode of "Coupling" but it didn't do much for me. I am going to give it another try however, because a show all about sex is my kind of show!
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
The price of the pain would still have been worth it for the pleasure of spending time with a man who I clicked with and respected. That Saturday should help me through years of dating. It can be like a measuring stick in the dating world, I can remind myself: "This is what it feels like to click- you don't feel worshiped, you feel understood. You don't see him as an ideal, you see him as a person you like. You feel like two people, not two facades"
What did his message say? It was a short considerate sentance saying he is too busy to write and will get back to me. (and it had the word "kisses" in it! tee hee hee hee hee) I also recieved a note from Kareem. His apoligized for not getting back to me when I called him inviting him to hang out (BTW this e-mail was 4 days later...he didn't even call the day I invited him to say "sorry- cant come- make other plans") Kareem's latest e-mail was different than his past ones, it was much sweeter, but I still told him how I felt, that if he isn't really interested I would prefer he be honest, because his indifference is more hurtful than rejection. I can see a distinction between how the two men react to me...can you?
Monday, April 11, 2005
Dr. T had heard of this before...it's called "Psychothymia" (but Im sure its spelled differently.) I am not sure if the word applies to the behavior of taking on alot to make up for lost time, or if the word applies to the result. Either way it is a pattern for me. I do the same thing each time: I expect huge things of myself and not surprisingly become depressed when I can't learn to perform brain surgery overnight. This pattern isn't working for me, so I am prepared to try something different.
I am very concerned about falling into another depression. I am nearly certian it will happen again, but I need to do SOMETHING to keep myself out of a severe one. I am VERY concerned that if I fall into a deep depression I will become suicidal again. I am willing to do the work that it takes now, because when you are depressed, the same amount of work takes 10X the effort.
So Dr. T helped me to prioritize the most pressing things that need to be done. They are tailor my uniform, do my taxes, and research my graduation tour. She helped me see that I have a few weeks with the tour, a few days with the taxes, so priority 1 is the tailor. The funny but not so funny thing about me is in my head I can turn the activity of going to the tailor into a huge production. I visualize a long walk in which I will have to pass panhandlers, letcherous men who wont leave me alone and snotty rich girls who laugh at my clothes. Basically I imagine that every bad thing that has ever happened to me will happen to me when I go to the tailors. Dr. T pointed out it should be as small as stopping at a gas station to fill the tank. I agree, and appreciated the permission to not think so much.
Here is the assignment: Go to the tailors, you're done. As you go you are to think about something else (the beautiful German?) so you don't get all worked up on how huge a trip to the tailors is. Afterwards reward yourself, your done, rent a movie, get a cup of coffee. Don't think about what you have to do the next day, just relax and be proud. I knew from experience that when I am proud of accomplishing things I often am motivated to do more. That is fine, but problem is I will do so much that the next morning I feel overwhelmed, thinking the next day will have to be like that, and don't get out of bed. I agreed with Dr. T that for the sake of seeing what the results are, that it would be a better idea to just stick with the one thing.
So I did it. Wow it felt so great! I not only got the feeling of pride for accomplishing my task but the feeling of having nothing more to do for the day was wonderful! I did have to go to class, but I tried to go into that with the same mindset. I also purchased myself an extravagant reward. I don't plan to do this everytime, but I bought it as a reward for this task as well as rewarding myself for the courage of going to a therapist, knowing I would have to think about painful things, and the courage to try new ways of doing things, even though they frighten me. Here is my awesome reward to myself:
It is so wonderful, even more so than I imagined. Someday I will figure out how to put sound on here so you can hear the soundtrack that shares the neurons with the thoughts I put on this page. Until then here are the lyrics to the song that has me bellydancing in my livingroom (thanks to Deek Deekster and OG for the lyrics idea):
Lyrics to #7 "Get Confused" (words are by David Byrne wow!)
Do I like to have confusion?
Yes I do
Am I, am I in any danger?
Yes I am
Do I like what‘s happening?
Yes I do
And can I deal with it directly?
Yes I can
I take the trouble, I take the time
I get the feeling that I‘m doing what‘s right
I may be reckless, maybe a fool
But I get excited when I get confused
Will I have to start all over?
Yes I will
Had I the right to make those statements?
Yes I had
Shall I meet with opposition?
Did I justify my actions?
Have I forgotten what the question was?
Yes I have
Have I forgotten what the question was?
When I, when I, when I get confused.
mood: excited ;)
I kid, but its for real. Dr. T today noticed something that I thought I had stopped doing. I still beat myself up. If reducing my drill-seargent self talk has made this big of a difference (I have gone from suicidal to not depressed, and I am on the lowest possible dose of my antidepressant!) imagine what replacing all of the meanness with constructive self-talk would do.
She explained to me something important, and I know it's important because it makes sense and will be difficult for me. A person's self image is developed around ages 3-8, and continues to a lesser extent through adolecence. My mother died when I was 9, so I was traumatized during my brain development. My mother was very invested in my development, my dad and step-mother, bless their hearts it was their best, but they parked me in front of the TV and if I did something wrong said "don't do that." I sensed pretty well that I was a burden, extra work that neither of them were ready for. Then when I was 11 and the step mom left the REAL fun started. The dad decided the stress of an ex-wife dying and wife leaving him was too much, so he checked out (passed out drunk on the porch every night.) Things like help with my development and hmmm, my stress of losing a mother, a step mother and now a father...not important, in fact, I was a mean person to make him feel guilty by saying stuff like "Dad, I really need some structure, could you please make some rules for me and then enforce them?" God I was a bad daughter to him.
These things happened when my self-image was being formed. It may have happened in the past, but they are a part of my brain development. When dealing with myself I get so mad! Why are you doing these rediculous things? You are almost 30! But I am dealing with a person who has had trauma during her brain development. A traumitized child. I need to keep this in mind in my self-talk, and be encouraging, not shaming.
And she said something that sounded cliche to me but is probably right. I dislike myself, I think I am unworthy of love and respect so I sabatouge my own success. I know this is the case with men, perhaps it is the case in the professional world too. I am working hard to treat myself better, but am cautious to go "too far" because I want to stay modest. Well maybe what I consider "modest" is bullshit. Maybe I want to keep myself in my place, "don't go thinking you are worthy of too much, because you are a mean selfish person." By the way I am crying now. I guess the tears mean I am on to something.
Sunday, April 10, 2005
I feel like you are cruel for living in Germany. I feel like you are cruel for existing, because I could fall so madly for you, and I feel so inadequate.
You are beyond appealing. I never thought I could find a scruffy beard, dirty clothes and smoker's breath so beautiful. Everything that came out of your mouth seemed so authentic, I was unequipped to interact with a person so lacking in artifice. Your flaws are beautiful just by their sheer honesty.
I admire your courage and modesty. You don't have a shread of that arrogance so common in people who have accomplished alot. And I envy and admire your willingness to put yourself in danger, in spite of what you know.
I can't say I am glad to have met you, but I prefer it to not having met you. It hurts. Oh my god it really hurts.
When I met you I had a feeling that the universe wanted me to learn something from you, I think what it wanted me to learn is to be genuine, to not conform to things that don't fit, and to not settle for men, and friendships that don't fit either.
How do I cope with this pain? Constructively. I have to be the best, most authentic person I can be. I must channel this pain instead of turn it inward on myself. I must be productive with my time, and if I see you again, I can be closer to the person I am, which deepens the potential for true human connection.
You are beautiful.
You are so beautiful.
mood: pain, uncertainty, pining
Women are famous for ignoring such things, we make excuses for why a person is not behaving as if they are interested. They are shy. They are stressed out. They are afraid of getting hurt. But ladies, I know from experience, and from the Horse's mouth...they may be all three of these things, but if they like you...you'll find out.
Why do we do this? To protect our equally-fragile ego. We like to think we are such a progressive country when it comes to women's rights, yet so many women spend their money on clothes and beauty, instead of investing their money for their future. We have our own jobs, but still so many women define themselves by the men they date and marry. So we will deny someone's lack of interest, so we can feel appealing, because if you are a woman and you are unappealing, what are you?
I really enjoyed the book "He's just not that into you." (I will add a link later)It told me something I already knew, if a man shows only mild interest, than he is only mildly interested. How simple. The concept in that cute pink little book, advertised in Cosmo and Glamour, has helped me alot this past year. And it helped me last night.
I released the energy I had invested in my interest in Kareem and Derek. In the case of Kareem I decided its better being alone, with no potential realationships on the horizon, than to feel as if someone was settling for me. It really hurt, but I did it. In the case of Derek, I think I am just not his type.
Yesterday evening, on my flight, I met a lovely scruffy man in frumpy skater clothes, who fed my spirit. We discussed politics, religion, & sex, all of the best topics to discuss with someone you just met, and had a wonderful time.
He lives in Germany, and may move to Israel/Palestine in the next year so I am aware that a future may be far fetched. But the universe told me that meeting him has something to teach me. I cannot settle. I cannot conform. Settling and conforming are what are CAUSING my depression. I must be me, fierce and alone, and then, if it is meant to be, I will find someone compatible with that fierce independant self. If I do not meet someone, and I spend my life without a life partner, at least I will spend my life as Diana, not as someone artificial.
Thank you Universe! I am listening!
Saturday, April 09, 2005
I had dinner with the F/O, we talked about how he met his wife (at a bar, ha ha)His story was so much how the stories are supposed to go. And I knew at that point what I already know but hate...Kareem is...just not that into me. EHHHHHHH!
He should be, But whatever. He waits 4 days to e-mail me back, and I gave him my number, and instead of calling me he e-mails me his number. He wants to take what I am willing to give but thats it. I am not surprised, he met me with Lorraine, a very unflattering context. I am dissappointed. I see potential there, but what can I do if hes just not that into me.
Then today, who do I see at the airport? Derek! I called out his name (running into him at the airport, what a great way to get his attention!) I introduced myself and caught something that I certianly missed. Remember when I said he may have a non-gay same sex crush on Michelle? Well what if he has a gay same sex crush on Michelle? DUH! I asked him where he was traveling and he said "I'm going to new york for the weekend" in that vauge way that people avoid mentioning their sexuality when they dont know some-one well enough.
So I am taking applications for new people to crush on! My old crushes just arent that into me! WAHHHHHH!
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Lucky, lucky me, I was up to par. People even seemed impressed. I don't mean to be negative, but it could be that they were surprised, assuming I was shy or inarticulate, because often, well, I am.
I am so glad we arent recieving grades, because I would be rewarded for my disrespectful skim job. This isn't material I have to memorize in order to pass a test. This is a creation that someone put their soul and emotions into. I am being blessed with the honor of introducing the work the artist toiled over, and helping the audience understand the message the artist intended to send. I am actually pleased that I did what I did, because I learned a VALUABLE lesson! I must not, ever EVER do this on a real tour. I must be completely prepared. I am glad I recorded the details of my torment, so I may revisit them when I am considering furthur procrastination.
I was rewarded though. We passed Derek in one of the galleries. Our eyes met and I got a delicious SURGE of adrenaline. That can't be chemistry. He is too far away for me to smell any pheremones. Regardless, I was high on that shot through my chest for nearly five minutes. prrrrrrrrr
mood: tired, relieved, LUCKY!
Ok here goes...
yeah, thats good.
yum, thats good too (but whole milk and real sugar would have been good-er)
note to self: don't write posts when you have had no sleep. Your internal censor shuts down.
mood: tired, nice
The presentation should be the same as we would behave on a tour. I feel prepared to spout off info about the piece, I DO NOT feel prepared to go through the process involved in a tour (it's supposed to be a dialogue, not a lecture, so I will have to think on my feet! NOOOO!)
I really am quite terrified. I feel fortunate to have this "personal" journal. It is helping me to put the feelings I am having into a form of some sort, instead of just hanging there, in my chest, choking me.
I am going to go to the coffee shop and get a cappucino and a cinnimon chip scone. It is an unhealthy choice to use food as a reward and it is an unhealthy choice to use food to cope with stress, but I really am craving a cinnimon chip scone, and I have promised myself ALOT these few weeks "Don't eat that now, because you aren't craving that specific thing, when you DO crave that specific thing you may have it" Maybe my craving is rooted in stress and maybe I am allowing it as a reward, but I am going to eat it and I am going to enjoy it damn it!
When I come back I will do some visualizing of the presentation going very well, and I will make a plan.
Oh man I dread this. Right now I am questioning my commitment. I MUST begin my graduation tour much sooner than I started this paper!!!
mood: tired, anxious, hungry
Now I have to plug in dates and add facts. Completing this will finish the 2nd 3rd of the paper.
The last part will be final editing & Bibiliography, and of course the obligatory wrangling of the printer, which I bet a dollar will give me trouble tonight.
After that I have to come up with a presentation. I will keep it relatively easy. I hate that I am dumbing it down. Had I done this sooner I could have gone really in depth (I will also be dumbing down my image, that sucks, but its too late to change the past)
Then (if time) I will sleep. Get up, make myself presentable, buy some cappucino, and get to class.
I feel much more in control now. I can see whats ahead.
mood: tired, dissapointed, still mad. I am finally relaxed and can see the potential that this paper had. I could have written something great, and now, because I have procrastinated, I have to settle for mediocre.
Let's not do this again, OK?
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
I am so mad at myself for putting this paper off! I have to do a presentation on it tomorrow, and its not even written!
I AM SO MAD AT MYSELF AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
mood: mad, disappointed, anxious, tired
When we left I was just annoyed as heck. My roommate Emma, who I do love, has this superiority problem. I think she is pretty wonderful, but if your wonderful you don't need to remind people of it. OG put it so well, people who act superior are actually insecure.
If you are confident in your beliefs and skills, then you arent threatened by people having different beliefs and skills. She doesn't shave her legs or wear make-up, good for her! But that doesn't mean something is wrong with you if you DO wear makeup or shave. I am impressed that she is happy with herself even though she isn't like everyone else, why not just be okay with that? Again, I am glad she is at her boyfriend's (so glad...stay there!)
By the way, what ticked me off so much? She decided to get passive aggressive about a pepper! Yes, a pepper. She was trying to take the whole pepper and I asked her for 1/4 of it. (I picked it out) She wanted to know when I would use it, like what day. She was like this with lettuce and with bread. She didn't want to buy bread because it wasn't on sale. I finally had to say "well I will buy one loaf then" Why would you care enough to want to stop someone from buying bread? I really am going to snap on her soon. She also makes snide comments about the messy house but only ever does dishes and takes out the garbage. She makes less of a mess than I do, but if this were the reason she could pick up her part of the mess and then complain. Instead she sits passivly and feels superior.
OK, that turned into a rant. Oops. Now its time to snuggle up with Hans Hofmann and learn all about what makes him tick.
mood: still crabby, but much less so. A more vigorous ride may have helped, but sister's bike doesn't go as fast (and pacing is a good thing when its only the 3rd ride of the season)
Here is how I feel now:
anxious and insecure. I got up the courage to go to the museum library, and an art historian/curator chick was really snotty to me, like I smiled at her and she ignored it...thanks, makes the social phobia MUCH better...what a bitch
Irritated. Emma can leave. I mean really. I really adore her but I have grown bored of her superiority. It's cute at first but it gets old.
Anxious. I put this paper off for too long. thank god Emma is at bf's
Lets see what the bikeride does
There is a scene where all of the friends and aquaintences Viktor has made all do a little bit to help. One hands him slippers, another gives him a "good luck" stress squeezy ball, they all cheer for him.
This set me off (thank God!) The tears came pouring out and crying is one of the blessings that I have begun to earn back on my path to health. For years I haven't been able to cry, and in the past year I have gotten better at it, but today was a waterfall.
I meet so many amazing people in my life. Kathleen, the cheerful TSA woman with a thousand hairstyles, doesn't know how many days she has changed a bad morning to good, just by saying hi cheerfully. And Getahun, at the mexican resturaunt, he remembers my face and greets me like a friend. People are angels, and this applies no matter what religion you are. If you believe in a supreme diety, we are the ones who do much of that diety's work, by following the diety's instructions (you know that voice that tells you your friend needs you to stay 10 more minutes-thats the diety talking.) If you worship in the forces of nature, we are vessels to send positive energy forward, we can change a persons bio-chemistry just by smiling at them when they buy mexican food from us. Regardless of the explination you choose to describe the universe, we have power to affect the world, and by tiny acts.
Only a month ago I started on here. I was so afraid to put my feelings out there, they are so unflattering, even though I am anonymous. I may sound strong right now but that is because of the encouragement I recieved to be brave enough to tell the truth. I posted about how messy I am, and Spider wrote "LOL" I didn't feel judged. I posted about a humiliating experience with a man, including sexual behavior I am devestated about. And she told me I deserved better, and not to feel stupid. She is one of those angels. She has given me a pat on the back when I needed it. Yesterday I kept checking my blog, I needed her input on how to cope with what happened yesterday!
I can understand her stress. It is easier to believe you are useless than accept that you are special. If anyone reads her blog, you can see problems (she very bravely shares them, and she has been judged in the comments she has recieved- but she stays brave) But can you believe that she is 21? With kids? In school? Building a life for herself and her family? And if you knew some of the awful things she has seen and been taught, you have to wonder how she can still be the person she is?
She is in the DEPTHS of depression and anxiety, but these serious diseases are not enough to shade this bright light she has her heart. There is something special about her and maybe that is what has gone wrong. She has made some bad choices because she didn't think she was worth better. I think that the truth can be overwhelming. To believe that you are worthless is scary. To realize that you have something very special about you is terrifying.
When I was depressed I hated people's positive attention. When they would say "why are you with him, you could get a guy who makes you happy" I hated them because I knew they were right, but I was too afraid to be alone, so I wouldn't dump him. When people would say I could be whatever I wanted, I knew they were right, but I was scared of embarrassing myself in the business world, so I stayed a waitress. My problem was and is, looking at too much all at once. An MD is earned one paper at a time, one lecture at a time, one paragraph of text at a time. My mistake was looking at my life as if I had to do it all at once.
I think thats what happened yesterday with Spider. She saw that the security blanket she was holding on to (affair) was toxic to her well being. She was being verbally pummeled (the cop told me that the verbal tounge lashing she was getting from her husband was more than any normal person could take- and this was how he was IN FRONT of a cop!) Not to mention the guilt she had of holding on to these lies all of this time. She was floating and thought there was no way out. I have been there. I remember now. God I am sorry I wasn't better at helping yesterday.
The Terminal has taught me something else. Hoffman, Warhol, & Shiraga are my stress relievers, not the source. This paper I have to write is a blessing and not to be feared. If I do a bad paper and look silly in front of the class, thats okay. But its not okay for me to run away. I fell down yesterday by skipping the second half of class. Now I must pick myself back up, and go to the library to research my paper.
Please continue to pray for Spider pray that she sees reality- that she is wonderful and pray that she is brave enough to believe the truth, even though it is scarier than the lies her illness and husband told her yesterday.
Please pray for OGtoo. She is under a lot of pressure, and needs uplifiting, She may seem perfect to all of us, but she is human too, and gets worn out. Pray that she takes good care of herself and does her best.
Monday, April 04, 2005
I want nothing more right now than to stuff my face with food!!! But at the same time I am not doing it. The more I think about what happened tonight, the more I want to make healthy choices, who has supported me he most in this? Spider!
Right now I am so frustrated. I don't know what things I did right and what things I did wrong. I got upset. She quit taking her medication, (breaking a promise to me) and kept getting in contact with her ex-affair, a charmer who cheated on his wife 20+ times! I said to her this afternoon to cut it out. My timing was awful. I am notblaming myself for what happened today, I just forgot how sensitive a person is when they are that sick, had I remembered myself in those depths, I would have realized what she needs is calm, loving coaxing.
On the other hand, I can't be of any help to her if I am not taking care of myself. I can only be online a certain number of minutes a day or I will neglect other parts of my life. Her and I discussed this already, neither of us wanted the other to neglect themselves and be a martyr. Sure, she is sicker than I am, but only because I have 7 years more practice of making healthy choices. Besides, when I was 21 I didn't have the responsibilites of children escalating my anxiety.
I know she is going to survive this. I am just so glad she is in a safe place right now. I am still afraid she will "abandon" me like my father did (choosing sickness over health) I dont want to lose her like I lost him and Andi. I know that whatever choices she makes, I can't let them affect the choices I make... MARTYRDOM IS UNHEALTHY! It is still painful for me to see this, and it was really upsetting this week witnessing her obsessing herself into a hole about a man who seems rediculously selfish.
But again...I can't help her, only professionals and herself can help her. I can only say "good job" that is the limit to the power I have in this situation, and so I cannot beat myself up for it. Martyring myself, neglecting my own life worrying and trying to fix her life makes us both worse off. If I am sick she will no longer have a friend there for her who can cheer her on, because I will be just as sick.
Oh, and speaking of the word "friend..." I feel like online can not be a person's sole social outlet and still be healthy, it can only compliment a social life. The reason I say this is because I think there is something important about face to face interaction. But I realized tonight that this woman, even though I have never met her in person, (we haven't even spoken on the phone) is my friend.
I have a paper and presentation due on wednesday, I have to make healthy coping choices.
Ones I have already made:
-I did not eat food to reduce the anxiety.
-At dinner time I made sure I ate, and I chose healthy nourishing food, so my brain has what it needs to think healthfully.
-I avoided (and will continue to avoid) alcohol and other dangerous drugs
-I called a friend to help me calm down
-I went for a walk, to take myself away from the situation, once the danger had passed
-I have taken advantage of this anxious energy and am putting it into school.
-I have plans to go on a bike-ride tomorrow (social and excercise)
-I have reflected on how I should deal with it if I feel suicidal (nip suicidal ideation in the bud when it is mild/SEEK not avoid professional help)
-Valued self-preservation (I have grown to care about Spider, if I am to be of any help to her, I can't be swept away by her torment)
Things I have done wrong:
-I should have gone to class after I knew she was safe.
-I feel like I could have done a better job talking her down, the cop was able to, shouldn't her "friend" be able to?
I am so glad she is in a hospital right now. What she was dealing with was HUGE, I wouldn't want to have to take accountability for that when I was on a medication that wasn't working well, along with other challenges going on in my life. I wish she would have gone to the counseler, but if her self-preservation is that low right now, than a hospital is a place where she is safe, and perhaps can feel safer creating a plan.
I can't help but think of myself 3 years ago. It woke me up to how powerful my illness is. I hope so much that her life has finally hit bottom, so she may begin the slow, but rewarding path to health.
spidey right now
If you pray, please pray for her.
I spoke with the police officer who went to the house. Her husband is taking her to a hospital right now (thank god)
If you EVER think "maybe I should kill myself" even mildly, that is called "suicidal ideation" and it is a symptom of depression and signals the need for medical help. If you ever even entertain this type of thought you must tell a doctor ASAP, because if it gets more serious you will not have the energy.
I am beside myself right now. I want to take her pain away but I can't. What I can do is take care of myself, not let myself get sicker. I will write more in a minute. I need to breathe.
mood: worried, angry (god-damn disease!)
Sunday, April 03, 2005
went back to bed
decided to not be the same as last good day, so didn't put expectations on myself
wrote post, learned some HTML
put away dishes
hung up clothes
laundered bathmats & shower curtain
scrubbed shower floor
scrubbed kitchen floor
talked friend through crisis
went bike riding with sister
gave her old bike, made her day
bonded like crazy
went to coffee shop with creepy gathering taking place
left coffee shop
decided to go to resturaunt/bar together
couldnt find place
went to another place
saw another childhood friend
got kicked out of resturaunt bar for only having a passport, expired ID, and photocopy of valid ID
went to cute middle eastern deli
met cute egyptian who went to the college my roommate might go to
got to look at cute egyptian who lingered at our table
still 40 minutes left of day to enjoy
Saturday, April 02, 2005
I had decided I had nothing to lose, he lives in Boston, so if he rejects me all I am losing is more long-distance frustration. I decided to send him a copy of my "muse" post. He is the inspiration for the muse analogy. I decided this was a good idea for three reasons.
The first reason I chose to send the post is because he is an artist. My writing is how I am dealing with and explaining the world. He seemed to think my fear of relationships is actually dis-interest in him, which is far from the truth. Sending him the post was a creativity-oriented way to express my feelings about him.
The post was an opportunity for me to drop that I have psycological challenges, so I don't have to carry around a secret. I just casually, with self respect, wrote something like "Like you, I have taken care of myself since I was young, I use writing to help me deal with the depression that comes with all of that" this way I have no shame, it is a part of who I am, it adds to my character, it is not a flaw.
The most important reason I sent this is I made myself vulnerable, I expressed my true self and my honest feelings (very hard for me) If he rejects me, it is ME he is rejecting. Having that written about you would either make you really like someone or really dislike them. If he likes me I can be confident that he knows the best part of me, my brain. If he dislikes me I can be glad to be over with it with the least amount of hurt, because I would know that once he knew me he would decide I wasn't for him.
I wouldn't have sent that post if he was not an artist. I don't think an investment banker would appreciate my metaphor-brain in the same way. I did make one mistake. I copied the WHOLE post! I included the 3-way marriage and horniness part! When I realized what I did I edited out those parts and only included the information that pertained to him (well the horniness pertains to him but that doesn't mean he gets to know that) I titled the new one "please delete the other one and read this instead" I hope he did. I don't know.
He expressed real interest. He said all sorts of flowry stuff about stuff like leaving fingerprints on the world, really awesome. I am excited I guess. He is really interesting and I love the idea of spending time with someone who will value my new blossoming creativity, not see me as too analytical. Oh and I want to do him.
I got on the plane and saw that the captian was a different guy than I thought, so I needed a different strategy. There was a pair of bi-focal aviator glasses left behind so I put those on and walked up to the flight deck completely normally, and stood there. This broke the ice a little becuase then I tried on their glasses and we talked about what names we have for the different glasses. Cory was not what I expected. I expected an asshole jock type, someone sort of mean, because who else would stay with someone like Lorraine for so long? Instead he was a dorky boy-next-door type. My "ponch" glasses ploy worked, he didn't associate my name and bring up Lorraine.
When I was preflighting the forward entrance compartment I heard Cory talking. I heard the words "psycho" "she" "spy" & "shower." It took everything in my power to keep from laughing out loud. I lingered for a bit, but realized he might think I am listening for her and so I got up and left.
I felt really conflicted at that point. I could validate his feelings about her so he could get quickly away from her as far as possible, but then I would be bad-mouthing a co-worker with something not relevant to safety. I went in the flight deck and said something like "What do you think is more morally repugnant, to share an opinion that you developed based on things shared in confidence? Or to withhold information that you think could help someone?" Without missing a beat he said "To withhold information that could help someone."
I asked him if he loved her, if he did I would have said that she needs medical help and if he truly loves her will insist that she recieves it. He said no and I told him that I think she is a sociopath, which I do. He told me these nutty things she would do. She would snoop through his stuff and hang out at his apartment when he was gone. She even moved into his building, which he expressed discomfort with. He finally broke up with her when she was at his house and he went to take a shower, he knew he couldn't trust her with his phone so he brought it in the bathroom. She tried to sneak in and take it...as if you wouldn't notice someone in your bathroom!
I shared the Boston story with him. I wanted him to see how unethical she is, and to explain why I feel the desire to say these things about her. I was proud of myself. I left out the part about her "liking" me, because that is not ethically wrong (in fact there is nothing more right! lol) I only brought up that she told Hottie-desk-clerk-Kareem that she thought I was a lesbian and liked her, which is a mean thing to tell a boy that the lesbian-in-question happens to be interested in! We all got a good laugh out of the stories we shared and bonded quick.
That night in Tulsa we had a long enough lay-over that we could have a few beers. These guys were so fun and funny. They treated me like one of the guys which I loved and hated at the same time. When I asked why they don't behave like I am a lady, the captian said (I believe him, he seemed sincere and thoughtful in his answer) it was because I was "cool." I was still mockingly annoyed, (why can't he think I am a cool GIRL not boy?) He explained that I treat him like an equal, not "above" me (the captian is the highest in the chain of command on the plane), and that since I was comfortable swearing like a sailor, I must be pretty laid back (I guess I can't fucking argue with that.)
Even though they were very openly talking about porn and sex they were not rude. They were like little adolecent boys, talking about the things that make them happy. Boobs, boobs and boobs. When I spoke they treated me like a person, not solely as a boob-haver, so even though many of their comments were tasteless, I enjoyed their company more than I enjoy most Bevis and Buttheads' company. Besides, the things they were talking about were only slightly more tasteless than the things I say to my girlfriends about my partners. Oh and the captian slept with Lorraine too. Thats fine, there is nothing ethically wrong with sleeping with as many people as you want, (as long as you arent cheating on someone), but even if it is ethically ok, it is still a pretty funny coincidence!
So no, I did not have sex with him, not with my body anyway. We did flirt like mad-people though, which felt nice. He is too young for me but he is very sweet. I think our flirting was a way of bonding, like we are both telling each-other non-verbally "you didn't deserve to be treated so unkindly." I did make a statement at the end of the trip about not being proud for how we made fun of her, that I was doing it as an emotional release and it was really not okay. He seemed to know EXACTLY what I was saying. He said "Don't worry, your alright with me" with a tone like he knows I am not a malicious person. He was a pumpkin.
Friday, April 01, 2005
He broke up with her because she snooped through his stuff, cheated on him, and was a liar.
I can't believe I did this, I always saw pilots as off-limits, but I was so mad at her for trying to steal Kareem (especially since she was with Cory at the time) so I had sex with Cory at the hotel in Tulsa!